Parenting Pyramid

The Incredible Years Parenting program teaches a wide variety of parenting skills and strategies. One teaching tool they use is the Parenting Pyramid. I have often taught about a Discipline Flow Chart. I am thinking today about how these compare.

They begin with a foundation of positive parenting: liberal use of play, listening, talking, involvement, and empathy. Then they recommend liberal application of coaching, encouragement and praise, and use of the Attention Principle – these all help teach them what behavior you would like to see. This all relates to concepts I’ve discussed when saying all discipline is grounded in a healthy relationship and in step 1 of my flowchart – preventing problems.

My step 2 is to pick your battles. They talk about Ignoring Annoying Behavior.

My step 3 is to tell your child what TO DO. They use a lot of Coaching. They also talk about establishing routines and rewards which create an environment where it’s easy for the child to be successful, because it is clear what is expected of them.

My step 4 is to alert the child to the problem, and let them know that if the problem continues, you will need to escalate up to consequences. They teach the when / then and if / then statements.

My step 5 is consequences. They use time out and logical consequences.

My step 6 is to Move On. They also talk about the importance of this: at the end of a time out, or after the negative consequence is complete, then you return to positive attention, immediately praising any positive behavior, and moving forward with a clean slate.

My thoughts about how these compared is what led me to create my new teaching tool: the Discipline Toolbox.

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When/Then and If/Then

Two useful discipline tools for parents are the “when / then” and the “if / then” statements.

When / Then

This statement basically says “when you do [this positive behavior], then you will get [this positive social reward].”

The statement first tells your child what you want them to do, then it implies that you are totally expecting your child to do this positive thing, now that you’ve explained to them what’s expected. And in return for doing it, they can expect to continue to have your loving, positive attention.

Some examples:

  • “When you’ve brushed your teeth and gone potty, then we get to read a bedtime story.”
  • “When you finish cleaning up your Legos, then we can play a game.”
  • “When you’re ready for school on time, then you can work on a drawing.”
  • “When you’re sitting down in your chair, then I will give you your dessert.”
  • “When you’re sitting in your car seat, then I will tell you a joke.”

If / Then

“If you do [this negative behavior], then you will get [this consequence.]”

This statement assumes they are likely to do something wrong, and tells them that if they do, they will experience a negative consequence.

You don’t want to start here: First, assume the best of your child! Giving a “when / then” first gives them the best chance at making a positive choice and being rewarded for that.

If the when / then didn’t work, that’s when we turn to if / then.

  • “If you can’t finish getting ready for bed in the next five minutes, then you’ll have to go straight to bed without a bedtime story.”
  • “If you don’t put your Legos away in the next five minutes, then I will have to put them away, and you won’t be able to play with them tomorrow.”
  • “If you’re not ready for school on time, then you won’t be able to draw today.”
  • “If you don’t sit down now, then you won’t be able to have dessert tonight.”
  • “If you don’t sit in your car seat by yourself, then I will have to put you there and buckle you in. Then I can’t tell you the joke I have saved up for today.”

Think about your tone when presenting these statements. These don’t need to come off as angry threats that sound like “If you don’t cut that out, you’re going to be in big trouble with me!!” They can just be matter of fact statements about the natural or logical consequences of their actions. You may even let your tone know that you’re a little disappointed that you won’t be able to read the bedtime story or tell them the joke – that encourages them to try harder to win back that positive social reward from you.

Learn about lots of other tools for your Discipline Toolbox here.

Your Discipline Toolbox

There are lots of different discipline techniques you can use to guide your children toward good behavior. Learning about them is like stocking your toolbox for home maintenance. If your house has a good solid foundation, and you perform regular, routine maintenance, then you may not need to pull out your toolbox very often. But we all have those little repair jobs to do from time to time that require a basic, all-purpose tool, and some days we have really big issues that we need to pull out specialized power tools to address, and sometimes we even need to call in a professional to help. This post will orient you to all the tools in your toolbox, and help you figure out how to use the right tool for the right job, in the right way.

[Note: This post is intended as an overview… there are LOTS of links in this post that will take you to other articles I’ve written with more details on these techniques.]

What is Discipline?

Discipline means guidance. It means good modeling, setting clear expectations for how we would like our children to behave, not assuming that they know how, and setting clear limits about things they cannot do. And, it means that when they misbehave, we let them know that the behavior was not OK, but we do still love them, and we will tell them how to be better in the future. This style of discipline not only guides behavior, it also builds trust and respect between parent and child.

Building a Strong Foundation

All discipline is grounded in a positive relationship. Here’s some ways to build that foundation:

  • Play together—often!
  • Have snuggle time and special time and let them know that you love them.
  • Talk and listen to them—build a “Love Map” of what’s important to them.
  • Validate their emotions—their feelings are always OK. (Some behaviors are not.)
  • Be consistent and trustworthy.
  • Ask for respect from them and treat them with respect.
  • Teach how to be good: talk about values; model, coach, and praise good behavior.

Do Routine Maintenance

  • Take care of yourself. Get the support you need in order to have enough energy to be a calm, thoughtful parent.
  • Whenever possible, ensure your child is well fed and well rested.
  • Avoid overstimulation (it leads to meltdowns).
  • Spend time in kid-friendly environments where it’s easy for them to succeed.
  • Set expectations: warn of transitions, and explain what the plans are.
  • Create predictable routines & clear rules so they know what’s expected of them. Set appropriate limits on behavior. (Be sure that your expectations are developmentally appropriate. Don’t ask more of them than they are capable of.)

To Improve Behavior

When there’s not really bad behavior, but there are places where if your child was behaving better, your family life would be smoother and happier, here’s how  to move things in a positive direction:

  • Use the Attention Principle: pay attention to positive behavior you want to see more of.
  • Use When / Then. “When you do [positive behavior], then you get [something positive.]”
  • Create a Reward System. (Read more about praise and reward here.)
  • Create a Routine to address any chronic challenge in daily family life.
  • Clarify rules—your child may do something that they didn’t realize was wrong. You can explain what the problem is and how to avoid it in the future.

To Correct Minor Misbehavior

(Note: If your child is hurting someone or something, skip to the next level.)

These tools are meant to correct problematic behavior. As parents, a big part of our job is to help our children learn to be good people, as this helps them succeed in school, work, and in all of life. To do that, we need to set clear limits on what’s OK and what’s not OK. (Learn here about the authoritative parenting style, which balances high expectations for our children with high responsiveness to them as individuals.)

To Correct Major Misbehavior

These are your power tools. You’re not going to pull them out of the toolbox every day, but they’re there when you need them.

  • Use Time Out from Positive Attention. This gives them (and you) an opportunity to calm down.
    • Note: If your child is in the midst of a major meltdown, this is not a time to try to reason with them… they’re in their “downstairs brain”. (Learn what I mean here.)
  • Impose a Logical Consequence—make sure the “punishment fits the crime.” (Read about the CDC’s take on consequences here.)
  • Seek peer advice, parent education, or professional support as needed.

You may notice that I haven’t talked about one discipline tool: Physical Discipline. Many parents discover that, in the short term, spanking can be an effective way to get a child to stop doing something bad. But, in the long term, it can damage the relationship, cause fear and anxiety in the child, and teach the child that anger and violence are the ways to get things done. It also doesn’t teach them much about why the behavior is bad – they may avoid doing it when you’re around so they won’t get hit, but there’s no reason for them to avoid it when you’re not there. Read more on physical punishment and spanking here.

Sometimes handling our child’s misbehavior can make us really angry. Look here for tips on “What if you’re angry at your child?“.

Move On

When misbehavior stops, or after a time out or a consequence is complete, then re-engage with your child, providing positive attention and praise for good behavior.

It’s especially important to do this if you got angry at your child. Read more about Resolution.

Self Discipline

Our goal for discipline, in the long-run, is to make ourselves obsolete. Our children need to learn to
discipline themselves. We want to raise adults who are capable of controlling their impulsive behavior, capable of working hard for a delayed reward (or even no reward other than their satisfaction with a job well done), and who have such a strong internal sense of right and wrong that it guides their every action, and who do what’s right simply because they can’t imagine behaving differently. Read more on self-discipline and how to begin to teach it.

Handout

If you’d like a free, printable handout that summarizes all this information, just click here for the Discipline Toolbox in color or Discipline Toolbox,  Black and White.

Ignoring Annoying Behavior

The second step on my discipline flow chart is to “pick your battles.” Ask yourself: Is their behavior really a big problem that needs serious consequences? Or is it just annoying? If it’s just annoying, just ignore it.

Let’s start with a few examples:

  • If you’re trying to get work done, and your child keeps coming over and whining about a snack, this is certainly annoying. But asking for food isn’t a discipline problem. You could just ignore the child until they ask politely, or you could give the child a hint: “it’s hard for me to understand you when you’re whining. If you used polite words and a nice voice,  I could hear you better.” Ignore them as long as they’re whining. As soon as you hear the polite request, respond to it.
  • If you’ve asked your child to pick up their toys, and they are doing so… but they’re stomping around and making faces while they do it, ignore the bad behavior, and turn your attention to what they’re doing well: “Thanks for getting all the Legos back in the tub.”
  • If your kids are squabbling in the backseat, instead of scolding for that behavior, just say “hey, I downloaded a great science podcast you’ll really like. When you’re ready to listen, I’ll turn it on.” Drive on, ignoring the bickering till they settle down, then turn on the podcast.

Your goal is to ignore the annoying behavior. As soon as you see positive behavior, focus on that. This ignoring method is a corollary to the attention principle. The more attention a child gets for a behavior, the more they will repeat it. So, play plenty of attention to positive behaviors. Ignore the ones you don’t want to reinforce. (Of course, if the bad behavior is significant, you’ll set limits and consequences… Ignoring is mostly for the things that are annoying little things, not the big stuff.)

All discipline is grounded in relationship.This technique does not work in a relationship where the child is often ignored or dismissed. But in a warm relationship where they regularly get attention for positive behavior, ignoring can be effective. It’s important to be clear that this ignoring is not intended as a rejection of your child, just of their current behavior, so it takes place in the context of a loving relationship.

Also, if your child is having strong feelings, don’t dismiss the emotions. Validate the emotions and turn attention toward the positive things they are doing to cope with them, but ignore annoying behaviors that result. For example, my son was begging for more screen time, and I said “I know you’re really sad about not being able to play more.” And “I see you’re looking through your books for something else to do.” But I didn’t acknowledge the repeated begging.

You can also teach your children to use their “ignoring muscles.” If their sibling or classmate is annoying them, they can ignore the other child. If they respond, the annoying behavior continues. If they don’t respond, the other child may give up.

When ignoring, you really want to be bland and poker faced and show no outward sign of noticing or caring about the bad behavior.  Don’t roll your eyes or sigh. Just think: If your daughter puts her fingers in her ears, turns her back and says “I’m ignoring you” and then turns back to make sure your son has noticed he’s being “ignored”, then he’s not really being ignored is he? He’s actually got all of her attention right now. It’s better to walk away and do something else as blandly as possible.

Test this method out, and comment to let me know what you think!

This is one of the many tools taught by the Incredible Years parenting program – check out their book for all the details!

The Attention Principle

A key concept in the Incredible Years program is the Attention Principle. Children want attention from their parents, teachers and peers. They will repeat behaviors that get attention. They are less likely to repeat behaviors that are ignored.

Ideally, kids want positive attention: praise, rewards, smiles and snuggles. But, if they’re not getting enough of that, they will settle for any attention, even negative. When you see your child behaving well – being calm, cooperative, kind, taking turns, and sharing, reward that with positive attention. If your child is behaving badly, but in ways that aren’t directly harming anyone or anything, like whining or repeating the same words over and over or making vague demands rather than asking polite questions, ignore it.

I imagine this all sounds obvious and you’re probably thinking “yes, of course, that makes sense.” But I want you to think… is this what you’re actually doing?

When our children are calm, quiet, and well behaved, we often are relieved because it allows us to focus on all the other things we need to do: make dinner, pack a lunch, put the laundry away, or pay the bills. We may not say anything to them, because everything is going fine.

But then, if the siblings start squabbling, or the toddler starts jumping on the couch, or the whining begins, we jump right in with our full attention. “You two stop fighting!” “I told you not to jump on the couch – do I need to come over there?” “How many times do I have to say, no candy before dinner?”

If they’re really lucky, not only will they get your attention, but they might also get a bribe to stop the bad behavior (note that a bribe to stop bad behavior is pretty much the equivalent of a reward for bad behavior….) “If you stop fighting, I’ll get the art supplies out.” “Sit down on the couch, and you can watch YouTube.” “Fine, yes, have a piece of candy, then go play so I can get dinner finished.”

Giving attention (or even rewards) to bad behavior “feeds the monster.” The more that behavior gets attention, the more they will use it.

We do this not just with behavior, but also with emotions. We tend to say “I know you’re mad” or “I can see that makes you sad” a lot more often than we say “you’re calm and content now,” “you enjoy that book”, or “you’re proud of your work.” When noticing and validating difficult emotions, be sure to pair that with a focus on what they’re doing well in the moment. “I know you’re mad, but I saw you resist the urge to hit your brother and try to calm yourself down.” “I can see that makes you sad not to have a turn yet, but you’re doing a good job of playing with another toy while you wait.”

What can you do today to start shifting your attention toward what you want to see more of, and ignoring the behavior you’d like to see less of?

Gift Idea: Personalized Memory Game

Alphabet Memory Game

On Shutterfly, you can make a personalized set of cards for a Memory Game. (This is the game where you lay out several cards on the table face down, and then children turn over one to show the photo, then turn over a second. If they match, the child keeps both cards. If not, they turn them back face down, and it’s the next person’s turn.)

This is actually one of my favorite games for teaching systematic problem solving! (Not only do you have to remember things well, but the best player has a system that helps with memory, such as always starting in the top left, and working your way across – which helps you remember where you last saw that photo of the dog when you flip up its match.) I think every kid should have play the game, and Shutterfly makes it possible for you to choose photos that have the most meaning for your child for less than $20… about the same it would cost to buy a commercial Matching Game.

For the holidays, I’ll be making a set for my mom (she has Alzheimers and fine motor challenges, so the game offers some physical rehab potential as well as a memory refresher about the faces and names of her loved ones). For my son, who is about to turn seven, I will make two sets with matching backs, so that he has a total of 48 cards. That way, when we start playing the memory game with him, we can start with just 4 to 6 pairs and as he gets better, we can make it more challenging by adding up to 24 pairs!

Read on for the full tutorial:

How to Make Your Set:

  1. Go to Shutterfly. (I’d love it if you use this link: bcparents.shutterflystorefront.com. If you start there, it’s the same cost for you, but Shutterfly will donate 13% of your order to the scholarship program for Bellevue College Parent Education Program, which offers over 50 classes for families with children from birth to age seven.)
  2. Under the tab “Gifts”, under the category “Gifts for Kids”, you’ll see “Memory Games.” Click on that.
  3. Now, choose the design you like best, and click on that.
  4. Choose whether you want matte or glossy, then click on “Personalize.”
  5. Click on each card to customize. You’ll upload the photo you want, then edit as you want. You will design 12 cards. They will print two copies of each for 24 total.
  6. In choosing photos of people, a headshot of a single person will work better than full body shots, or group photos, just because the final cards are just 3 x 3 inches, so the final image is fairly small, especially if you chose a design with a big border.
  7. When you’re done with the design, place your order!

Shutterfly also has other great products: One year, we made a wall calendar for both sets of grandparents featuring lots of artwork by our kids. Another year, we made an 8×8 photo book that was a personalized alphabet book. The “A” page had a picture of Uncle Alan, our friend Adam, our child holding an apple, and so on.

Looking for more holiday gift ideas? Click here for thoughts on choosing the best toys for your child.