In 2023, Pew Research Center published a survey of 3700 parents asking what it’s like to parent in the United States today. Here are some of the results:
Their Experience of Parenting
Parenting is an important part of their identity – the most (30%) or one of the most (57%) important aspects to who they are as a person. The percentage who say it’s the most important range – 35% of mothers say this vs. 24% of fathers. Black (42%) and Hispanic (38%) parents are more likely than White (25%) or Asian (24%) parents to say the same.
Parenting is hard – 62% say being a parent is at least somewhat harder than they expected, with 26% saying it’s been a lot harder. 41% say it’s tiring; 29% say it is stressful all or most of the time.
But I’m excited to see that most are feeling successful: 64% saying they do an excellent or very good job as a parent; 32% say they do a good job, while just 4% say they do an only fair or poor job. And 80% say it is rewarding and enjoyable most of the time.
It Gets Better
Parents of children 5 and older are less likely to say parenting is stressful and tiring than those with younger children.
What are their hopes for their children?
Their top priority is that their children are financially independent, and that they have jobs they enjoy. A smaller percentage say it’s extremely important that their child earn a college degree, become a parent themselves or get married.
What are they worried about?
They worry about their child’s mental health, about them being harmed by others, and about drugs and alcohol. The illustration below shows all parents. In the report, they break it out by race, and you shouldn’t be surprised that lower income parents, and families of color have more worries.
Do They Want to Parent Like Their Parents Did?
Also check out this post on what parents said in response to the question: “compared with how you were raised, are you trying to raise your children in a similar way or a different way?”
The Pew research center asked 3700 parents “compared with how you were raised, are you trying to raise your children in a similar way or a different way?”
43% say they are raising their child similarly to how they were raised. 44% say they are trying to take a different approach. Interestingly, fathers are more likely to say similar (47%) and mothers are more likely to say different (48%). Along racial lines, 49% of White parents said they were raising their children in a way similar to how they were raised vs. 42% of Black parents, 37% of Asian parents and 32% of Hispanic parents.
There were also differences when asked about particular themes.
Family Values
A notable majority of parents (63%) were raising their children with similar values and religion as how they were raised. Responses “…tended to center around instilling respect for others, good morals, and a strong work ethic…. integrity and honesty… good citizens.” 17% specifically focused on the family religious traditions. Only 13% were focusing on different values and religion. “These range from compassion to open-mindedness, which some parents feel were not among the values their own parents taught them as children.”
Although parents did focus on what values they wanted to teach, they also seem to leave space for their child to grow into an adult who might not share all the values they were raised with.
Relationships
With love and relationship themes, 16% said they wanted to parent like they were parented. They “tended to talk about providing their kids with a loving household or giving them unconditional love.” 44% hoped to be different. “Many said they are giving them more love and affection than what they received as a child…” Being an involved parent was a sentiment expressed by both groups, including family dinners and spending time together. “Parents who are raising their children differently [included] not yelling as much and listening more.” Some “underscored accepting their children for who they are. A..others focused on providing their children with emotional support and being more in touch with their feelings than their parents were.”
Discipline
Their approach to behavior and discipline were similarly mixed, with 29% saying they wanted to be similar to their parents and 32% saying different. Some wanted to be stricter than their parents were with them, feeling like they could have been pushed harder. Some wanted to be more lenient with their child, including 1 in 10 specifically saying they would not physically punish a child as they were physically punished.
I know from my 30 years as a parent educator that none of us are perfect parents who are meeting our ideal parenting goals every day! But I have seen that it can be particularly challenging for those who want to parent differently than they were parented. In stressful situations, we can fall into old patterns that once seemed normal to us even if they no longer fit our values and goals.
Parenting Style
They asked about parenting style, but I think their question was really flawed. They asked “which of the following best describes your parenting style?” I wish they had phrased the answers positively as what parents TRY to do: “my goal is to give a lot of freedom” and “I know what’s best for my child, so I help guide a lot of their choices.” Or “I push my child so they will be successful” and “I try not to create too much pressure on them.” Instead they phrased it more as ‘how are failing to meet your goals?’ Do you “give too much freedom” or are you “over-protective.” Do you “not push hard enough” or “push too hard.”
Given their methodology, the only way I can read this is that the “neithers” are the people who feel confident that they’ve found the balance that they are shooting for.
There are a lot of comedy sketches making fun of the “gentle parenting” style. (And to be honest, I LOVE Mrs. Frazzled’s videos where she “gentle parents” politicians.)
But what is Gentle Parenting? Is it effective if “done right”? What are the possible pitfalls to avoid?
Overview
The approach was described by Sarah Ockwell-Smith in The Gentle Parenting Book. In her introduction, she dispels what gentle parenting is not: “It is not permissive parenting… Boundaries, limits and discipline play a crucial role… If you do not discipline your child, how can you be truly respectful of them? …In discipline, there are two active roles – the adult as teacher and the child as learner.”
It is clearly not authoritarian style parenting, where a parent gives orders and doles out punishment if those orders are not followed.
Instead, she says gentle parenting method fits in the “authoritative” style of parenting. Parents have high, but developmentally appropriate, expectations for the child. They are responsive to the child’s needs, and supportive of the child’s interests. They offer the child developmentally manageable autonomy. They set clear and realistic boundaries, and reinforce them consistently. They show affection and mutual respect. They show empathy, accepting and validating a child’s feelings, while still holding limits. “All feelings are OK, but all behaviors are not OK.”
There are four pillars to the approach: empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries. Let’s look at what that should mean for gentle parenting to be successful, and what pitfalls to avoid.
Empathy not Sympathy
Erin Leonard talks about a potential pitfall of gentle parenting is when a parent uses sympathy not empathy. Sympathy – when the parent feels sorry for the child – might mean they jump in and rescue the child or make excuses for their behavior. They might lower their expectations for their child or bend rules. (Sometimes this might look like “helicopter parenting.”) When this happens, the child learns to expect rescues, learns that they can manipulate their parent, and doesn’t learn accountabillity.
Empathy is “calmly honoring feelings but firmly correcting behaviors… ‘You’re really disappointed. I get it, but you cannot throw things. Go pick [that] up’.”
Respect, not rolling over
Once in a class, I was talking about the importance of respecting your child. One parent responded with “in my culture, respect is something you have for your elders or people who have higher prestige. What do you mean respect children?” I explained that for me, my goal is always to treat everyone with respect. That doesn’t mean deference or submission. It’s more the “golden rule” – treat everyone as you would want to be treated. I treat them as a person , who has equal rights and equal value as me, who I assume has the best of intentions and I assume is who is smart and capable. (In her RIE approach, Magda Gerber talked a lot about respecting babies!) But… respect is always affected by context.
I can be very respectful of an employee and we might feel like near equals most of the time, but when needed, I can exercise my authority. With a child, I can be respectful of them while still understanding their developmental limitations. “I know you’re still learning how to control yourself when you’re mad, and I totally understand why you’re mad right now! It’s never OK to hit.”
I had a 4 year old child at a storytime who frequently pushed his mother, hit her, tried to knock her over… not in anger or anything, just because he was bored. Letting a child do that is not true “gentle parenting” because gentle parenting includes mutual respect and holding each other to a higher standard.
Understanding, not always agreeing
Understanding can mean knowing your child’s interests, their dislikes, their strengths and weaknesses. It involves some warmth and responsiveness, rather than the colder, more standardized approach some authoritarian parents take.
But responsiveness doesn’t mean you let your child eat anything they want to, do anything they want to, and never do anything that they don’t like or that’s outside their comfort zone. One of our key jobs as parents is to help our kids do well in school and then launch into a successful adulthood.
I once had a conversation with a parent who asked me what she most needed to do to be sure her child would be ready for kindergarten. I told her she needed to say no more often and that she needed to make him do more things he didn’t want to do. This mom was a VERY loving parent who was trying to do her best. She didn’t like to see her child unhappy, so always accommodated his whims. But that’s not really preparing him for the way the world works. (And she was also exhausted…) Part of what she needed to do was teach him “when the teacher says it’s time to do X, you have to do X.”
Boundaries
When parenting a baby, many parents choose attachment style parenting, or a child-led approach. They follow the baby’s cues, and respond quickly to meet baby’s needs. That is 100% developmentally appropriate for a newborn. However, as the child gets older, it is best to start creating routines and rules to help guide your child’s behavior. When a child knows What to Expect and What’s Expected of Them, they can be successful in school, and life at home can be more pleasant.
An effective gentle parent would: Set clear limits. Hold them consistently. Plan ahead for how to respond to bad behavior. And then do that.
Some people interpret gentle parenting as never punishing the child. It does mean never physically punishing the child (spanking or hitting). But it is necessary at times to impose consequences for bad behavior. This can be done in a respectful, empathetic way that still teaches the importance of following rules and being accountable for poor choices. Even a gentle parent can be the boss – a loving boss, but still the boss.
I have been teaching parent education classes for 30 years, and have taught expectant parents and parents of kids from birth through elementary school. Sometimes the same family would take many classes, but I also had many I only taught for a short time.
But, next year, I’ll be working in a program as their sole parent educator across all age levels, where the hope is that most families will return every year. So, I have to make sure my parent education sessions are differentiated so that they don’t feel like they’re getting the same thing again and again. There will be some key concepts that are taught at every level as a throughline, but each year has a different focus.
September – Brain Development; How Kids Learn
Overall concept: 4 keys to brain development – novelty (new experiences), repetition (the chance to do things again and again till you master them), down time (no pressure, child led, “puttering around” time), all taking place within a safe and loving environment.
October – Discipline – Helping Kids Learn How to Be Good
Overall concept: The Discipline Toolbox. You set the stage for success with a loving relationship, understanding of their capabilities, predictable routines, and clear expectations. When they get off track, you re-focus and re-direct. When consequences are needed, ensure they are developmentally appropriate, and proportional, then move on.
Engineers: How Your Approach to Discipline Changes as They Get Older
November – Emotional Intelligence
Overall Concepts: Talking to kids about emotions, and teaching skills for how to manage them helps build skills that are essential to their future relationships, success and happiness. Rather than rescuing them from sadness, teach that they can recover from it. Emotions can lead to bad behavior – you can validate their feelings while still holding limits.
Age-Based Focus Ideas:
Toddler 1: Emotional Literacy – Learning to Recognize their Feelings; Co-Regulation
December – Self Care and Relationship Skills for Parents
Overall concept: The Oxygen Mask metaphor – if parents don’t take care of themselves, they run out of the energy and patience needed to take care of their children. So, self-care is important! And healthy relationships (with all the people in our lives) help us to feel safe, happy and supported, which makes us better parents. So, that’s our focus in December.
Engineers: Relationship Skills; Spending Time on Yourself
January – Development: Raising a Well-Rounded Child
Overall concept: Much of our culture is focused on a few areas of development with academic skills like reading and math getting a lot of attention. But physical skills, social-emotional skills, and independent problem solving are equally important. How do we help support our children’s learning in all these areas?
Overall concept: Helping our children development friendship skills is important! This includes turn taking and sharing (when developmentally appropriate), learning how to join in play and invite others to play with you, and learning about conflict resolution.
Tinkerers: Building Social Skills – Practicing at Home and with Friends
Engineers: Dealing with Rejection and Relationship Challenges – Internal Locus
March – Mirrors and Windows, Roots and Wings
Overall concept: When children are rooted in a strong family connection, it helps them be bold enough to venture out and explore. When they know their family culture and see it reflected in books, movies and other activities, it helps them know they belong and they matter. When they have windows into other people’s lives and experiences, it develops empathy and appreciation of diversity.
Tinkerers: “Sorting by Category” or Taxonomy is a Key Science Skill, So Why Are We So Surprised When Our Kids Make Statements about Stereotypes?
Engineers: Navigating Your Child’s Growing Independence; Differentiation
April – Raising Bold Kids
Overall concept: It may be tempting to want to protect your child from all harm, but they learn by exploring and taking risks, they learn through mistakes and trying again, a few bumps and bruises teach the importance of appropriate caution, and they learn they can recover from disappointment if we don’t rescue them every time they’re sad. How do we balance all this?
Engineers: Challenging without Pressuring – Finding the Right Levels
May – Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
Overall concept: There is no one right way to be a good parent. There are lots of parenting approaches that are quite successful! But knowing what style of parent you want to be, and thinking about what your eventual goals are for your child can give you a long-term vision. When juggling day-to-day demands, we might sometimes fall short of that, or sometimes our child’s needs of the moment change our plans. But having a vision and being intentional helps us to stay on track toward our goals.
Age-Based Focus Ideas:
Toddler 1: Simplicity Parenting – How Much is Enough, How Much is too Much?
Toddler 2: Course Correcting – What Happens When We Have a Bad Parenting Day and Aren’t Living Up to Our Own Expectations about What a “Good Parent” Is?
Preschool: Parenting Style – Are You Your Child’s Boss? Their Friend? A Friendly Boss? Do You Tell Them What’s Best for Them, Or Listen to Their Ideas about That?
Tinkerers: The Road Map – What is Your Eventual Destination, and Are You Heading That Way Today?
Engineers: Being an Askable Parent – Talking about Difficult Topics
I love going to farmer’s markets and I love takings kids along! It’s a chance to be outdoors, walking, surrounded by people of all ages from your community.
The market stalls offer a visual feast… I love the colors and textures: the glossy green cucumbers, the bright red bell peppers, the lumpy brown potatoes, the yellow sunflowers, and more.
Shopping at the market is also a great chance to be more aware of food, where it comes from and seasons. In summer we might go home with lettuce, cucumbers, peppers, and tomatoes for fresh summer salads. In late season, it’s parsnips, sweet potatoes, and squash for autumn vegetable soups. If you have kids, it’s a great way for them to learn about seasons.
All season long, there’s fresh-baked bread, homemade jams and other goodies, and fresh cut bouquets of flowers. Many markets also sell arts and crafts.
Several locations have food trucks if you’d like to grab a pizza dinner or an ice cream cone while you shop. Several locations also offer live music – usually of the folk or bluegrass variety, and can be a nice opportunity for a family picnic while the kids dance around.
Bring re-useable bags along when you come, and bring cash. (Although most vendors do take credit cards.)
2026 Markets on the Eastside
Here’s this summer’s schedule for markets on the Eastside of Seattle
Duvall, 3 – 7 pm (early May to mid October) Taylor Landing, 16201 Main St NE, just north of the Woodinville-Duvall Rd. Bridge https://duvallfarmersmarket.org/
For lots of ideas on fun, cheap activities to do with a toddler or young child, click on “toddler date” in the categories list to the right sidebar (or scroll down on mobile device.) For hands-on STEM activities, check out my Inventors of Tomorrow blog.
During the school year, I teach parent-child classes and STEM programs (for age 3 -8) at Eastgate Cooperative Preschool in Bellevue. Learn about co-op and parent-child classes for families with kids birth to age 5.
