Category Archives: Emotional / Social

Touch, Consent and Bodily Autonomy

When my older two kids were in college, my youngest was in preschool. On campus, there were lots of discussions about the importance of consent – asking before touching someone else – and standing up for your right to tell others whether or not it’s OK to touch you and how you like to be touched. It turns out that all those kinds of conversations can be done at a developmentally appropriate level with a preschooler, and lays the foundation for long-term healthy relationships.

Personal Space – My Bubble

It is helpful to teach preschool age children the idea of a personal space bubble – have them reach their arms out to their sides, in front, and behind to make sure they’ve got plenty of space around them and they’re not bumping into anyone or anything. If they can touch something, they need to move a little to be sure nothing is in their bubble.

During coronavirus, we taught our preschoolers The Bubble Song (video) from Magic in the Music. You can adapt this song for personal space: Sing “You gotta keep your bubble, bubble, bubble” 3 times, then “And you gotta ask ‘fore you pop into mine.” As they sing it, they can dance around, reaching their arms out to form their bubbles. Other people taught ideas like airplane wings or bird wings – if your wings bump into anyone, make more space.

This was helpful for teaching social distancing to reduce illness spread, but it’s also just a helpful idea for kids in general. It’s easier for kids to concentrate in group time when there’s not somebody else bumping up against them. It’s easier to keep kids in a line if they know to make a little space in front of and behind them. And it encourages them to be more aware of their surroundings so they don’t bump into the easel or the desks. For teachers and parents, it’s nice to sometimes have a little room to breathe between us and the children. But this idea of a personal space bubble can also lay a good foundation for talking about consent and bodily autonomy.

Consent: Ask Before Entering

Once they know about the personal bubble, we can teach the idea of not invading other people’s bubbles without permission. If they want to hug or kiss someone, or hold hands, or sit in a grown-up’s lap, they can ask first. (If you’re nursing a toddler, you can absolutely request that they ask first before nursing.) For a child who doesn’t use many words yet, you can teach the sign language word for please, and how to show what they want to do.

Teach that when they ask, they have to wait for an answer. The person might answer yes, they would like touch now too! If so, you are welcome in their bubble.

Or, they might say no, or might not say anything – anything other than an enthusiastic yes should be treated as a no. They might also say something like “no thanks, but I’d like a fist bump.” Whatever they say, it’s important to respect that.

And if you still want touch, you could ask someone else, or you could hug a stuffed animal or snuggle up in a blanket.

It’s also worth noting that we all have different moods on different days, and that someone who wanted to hold your hand yesterday might not want to hold it today, and that’s OK.

It’s OK to Say No

It’s important for children to know that their body is their body, and they have the right to say who can touch it and how. If someone asks, it’s OK to say no thank you, or it’s OK to offer an alternative – like “I don’t want to be touched right now but I’d love it if you sit next to me while we draw.”

If someone doesn’t ask before touching, it’s OK to say “please don’t kiss me.” Or “you need to ask before you touch my hair.” If someone doesn’t respect their wishes, or touches them in any way that makes them uncomfortable for whatever reason, they can say no and they can tell a trusted adult.

Other Ways of Expressing Affection

Offer children lots of options for appropriate ways to touch or express affection so that they have alternatives to offer when someone says no to them, or when they want to say no to touch from someone else. We can shake hands, fist bump, high five, wave, bow, jazz hands, blow a kiss, say hello, sit near someone, walk side by side, make them a gift, and so much more.

This is a great place to reinforce ideas about diversity – we have different ways we like to express and receive affection and it’s important to respect that and learn to speak different love languages.

Model these Skills

Be a role model for how to ask for consent – ask your child if they want a hug, ask if they want your help wiping the food off their face, and so on. If there’s a safety issue, you could offer a choice: “you and I need to be holding on to each other in the parking lot – would you like to hold my hand or do you want me to carry you?”

When I wrestle with my son, I ask him if he wants to wrestle. I will stop in the middle of it, and say “is this still OK?” He knows that if he ever says stop, I will stop right away.

Practice these Skills

When children in my class are playing in a physical way (like crawling over each other in a ball put, I’ll occasionally pause the play for a moment and say “is everyone having fun? Are you all OK with this or do we need to change anything?” If anyone looks in any way uncomfortable, we stop the play and make some ground rules. One of the preschools I teach at only has a couple rules: “Everyone gets to play. Everyone gets to feel safe.” These are great ideas for grounding that conversation.

Private Parts

We can teach children that some parts of their body are private – we cover them with clothes when we’re out in public, we don’t touch other people there and they shouldn’t touch us there, and we only touch those parts on ourselves when we’re in private spaces like our bedrooms or bathrooms. Teach that those parts are the ones that are covered up by a swimsuit – bottoms for a person with male body parts, top and bottoms for a person with female body parts.

Teach correct anatomical terms to children: penis, scrotum, anus, vulva, vagina, nipples. Having the correct words helps them communicate clearly with you, caregivers and doctors. (You can also teach that these are not words we run around yelling on the playground.) Learn more about talking with children about sexuality.

Children should know that if anyone ever touches their private parts, asks a child to touch theirs, shows pictures or asks to take pictures of private parts, they should tell a trusted adult right away. Parents might need to touch those parts to teach you how to keep them clean or doctors might need to touch those parts to be sure that they are healthy, but they should always ask.

Safety Net

Children should have several adults who are their “safety net” of trusted adults that they can talk to about any touch that makes them uncomfortable, or really that they can talk to whenever they are uncomfortable with anything or wondering about anything. Ideally I like a child to have five people on their list, including someone who is not in their family – teachers, scout leaders, ministers, soccer coaches… This is helpful when they are children for issues like abuse. It’s helpful when they’re teenagers if they have questions about sexuality, substance use or other complex topics. When my older kids were teens, they each had contact info for multiple adults who could bail them out of any bad situation they got themselves into, and that was a huge reassurance to me.

Talk to your child about their safety net and make sure they know what adults can be resources to them.

Book Recommendations

Check out my post on great kids’ books about touch, consent, and no means no.

Mindfulness Bottle

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Image from https://www.etsy.com/listing/155339699/8oz-calming-glitter-bottle-princess-pink

In my science class for kids, we make “discovery bottles” when studying chemistry. These are clear plastic bottles filled with liquid and glitter – when shaken the glitter swirls up and is suspended throughout the liquid, then it gradually settles back out. In this video, the glitter settles very quickly – if you want to slow it down and keep the glitter suspended longer, you can add glycerin, corn syrup or dish detergent to make the liquid more viscous.

Mindfulness bottles can be used in several ways:

A visual metaphor for escalated emotions: you can talk with a child about sometimes our feelings and thoughts get all stirred up – maybe we’re running late, and we spill our milk, and we can’t find our favorite toy – everything feels so chaotic and upsetting. If we can slow down and breathe for just a moment that helps de-escalate those big feelings.

A calm-down tool: When they’re feeling overloaded or escalated (in the yellow zone), they can shake the bottle, and then as they watch it settle, take some deep breaths to let go of the too-big feelings and too-busy thoughts and settle down.

Learning about the Brain: Heart Mind Kids says “You can use a glitter jar as a tool to explain how the brain works, in conjunction with the hand model of the brain. When your emotions are rising up, the brain (the bottle) floods with cortisol (the glitter) and you flip your lid (shake the bottle), losing access to the prefrontal cortex, its flexibility and reasoning capabilities. As you breathe, the cortisol dissipates (the glitter settles to the bottom of the bottle) and you feel calmer and the prefrontal cortex comes back online, making it easier to feel calm and make better decisions.”

Transition Tool: give to a child when one activity is winding down and it’s time to move on to the next. Having a moment with the glitter bottle may help them shift their attention and be ready to move on. These bottles can work especially well with some autistic children, helping them to focus and to calm down as the swirling glitter settles.

Timer: If you have one that takes a long time to settle, you can use it as a timer. “Shake the bottle, and when it settles down, then it will be someone else’s turn with the toy.”

Take a Break from Conflict: If some people are caught in an argument, talking over each other, have someone shake the bottle and everyone has to be quiet and breathe and calm down while the glitter settles.

Managing a VERY Bad Day. In the book Moody Cow Meditates (Video), a grandfather helps a young cow calm down by having him share all the bad things that happened that day, and as he shares each one, sprinkle a little glitter in a jar. Then he shakes them all up to see how he’s feeling now, and lets them all settle down. Note: this book is really long for a children’s book, and the first half is all about miserable stuff happening to a kid. I would probably just start reading in the middle, when Grandpa enters, introducing it to a child as “once there was a cow who was having a super bad day, just like you’re having right now.”

Find It game: Include one special item – maybe a heart shaped sequin or a star shaped sequin. When they shake it up, they then search / I-spy for that one special item in the swirling glitter. Good for increasing focus.

Fidget: Some people keep a bottle on their desk so when they’re distracted and need a brief brain break, they can shake it, watch it settle, then get back to work.

More resources:

If you don’t want to make your own bottle, you can find lovely ones on Etsy, such as the photo at the top of the post, which is from TheCalmMom shop.

The Slow to Warm Up Child

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Any early childhood educator can tell you that some children leap with both feet into any new situation, trying new things, chatting easily with strangers, and rolling with any new experience that comes their way. Other children will enter the classroom slowly, hover on the edges (or behind their parents’ legs), gaze around with big eyes, duck their head when someone talks to them, and be hesitant to try new activities. These children get labeled as shy or timid or resistant, and the implication is often that there’s something wrong with the child or some problem they need to outgrow.

Let’s instead think of these kids as the slow to warm up kids. They need time to observe a situation, time to figure out how things work, space to decide whether they feel comfortable with someone, and respect for their right to move at their own speed. If they feel pressured to change, then they can turn into shy kids… shyness often is based in a fear of being judged negatively.

Instead, we can accept that this cautious approach may be a core part of their temperament, respect that introverts have many important strengths, give them plenty of time to flourish in their comfort zones, and also give them concrete tools that help them when they need to take on new experiences.

Understanding Temperament

Temperament is used to describe a child’s in-born personality. Researchers talk about 9 different temperament traits, and then how they cluster to form personality types. The slow to warm up child may be: cautious of new situations, slow to adapt to change, sensitive to things like noise and bright colors/lights, serious, and low activity level. Some also have very intense reactions to challenges.

There is no temperament type that is the best or the worst – they’re just different. Whether a child’s temperament is easy to work with or challenging often depends on “goodness of fit” with their environment and with the people in that environment. If a parent is an extroverted athletic person, and their child is as well, and they are running and shouting on the playground together, that’s a good fit. That child and parent may not fit as well at library story time. Or if that parent has another child who is slow moving, hesitant to try new things, and likes quiet places, that’s not as good of a fit.

For all children, no matter their temperament, it is helpful to them to have plenty of time in “good fit” settings – if they are in places they feel comfortable, with people they are comfortable with, and doing things they enjoy, they will really thrive. The science of brain development shows us that when children feel safe, their oxytocin flows and their brains have a high degree of neuroplasticity – they are open to learning and growing. When children are stressed and anxious, it is harder for them to learn. So prioritize finding safe spaces for them where they can relax and learn.

And… all children also need to learn how to stretch – how to push outside their comfort zone and cope with settings that aren’t as easy, and work with people who might not do things in the ways they would be most comfortable with. So, caregivers can give slow-to-warm up children challenges that help them work out their adaptability muscles. We can and should have them try things that are hard for them. But when we do that, a little extra support from their parents and teachers can help them to be successful.

Could it be more than just temperament?

Some parents with a slow to warm up kid wonder – could this be autism?

There are some common characteristics. A slow to warm up kid may not like sudden loud noises, and that can look like sensory processing issues that are common amongst autistic children. A slow to warm up kid may avoid eye contact, as does an autistic child. Autism is a spectrum disorder – some children display intense behaviors that are unmistakable. Others are more subtle and could be hard to tell apart from a slow to warm temperament.

A key question could be: once your child has warmed up and is comfortable somewhere, do they engage in play and learning in ways that are similar to most other children? If they continue to act in ways that seem different from other neurotypical children, you might choose to learn more about autism and about assessment and see if that feels like the right description for your child. Keep in mind that about 15% of children are slow to warm up and about 2% of children are autistic.

Either way, here are a bunch of ideas for how to help a slow to warm child be successful.

Set the Stage

Sometimes you’ll choose things that are way outside their comfort zone. But let’s make sure they have practice also with things that are “proximate” to their comfort zone, where there’s only so many challenges to manage once.

Are they more comfortable at home than elsewhere? Then host playdates on your own turf before trying the other child’s house.
Choose the time of day when your child is most relaxed and flexible for any new activities.
Pair a new activity with a familiar activity. “After we try the new music class, we’ll go to the library and pick up some books to read.” (Just be careful not to set it up as a punishment/reward that comes off as “after you do this thing you’ll probably hate, then you get to do something you like” – present them both as positive experiences.)
Is your child sensitive to noise and crowds? Then visit places at the least popular times so there are fewer people. (One parent’s child was invited to a Saturday party with all their classmates at a trampoline gym. They went to the gym by themselves on Tuesday morning to get familiar with it before the big party.)
Will your child be expected to wear unusual clothes (a gi, a leotard)? Let them wear them at home before the class.
Consider choosing parent-child classes or co-op preschool where you volunteer in the classroom rather than drop-off programs for a while till your child is more comfortable with new people.
Choose long-lasting programs. When my oldest child was little, we’d do a 4 week gymnastics class, then a 5 week art class, then we’d go to story time a couple times, then we’d try music class. He never got to settle in anywhere. With my other kids, I tended to choose things like play-based preschools that included tumbling, art, story time and music all in that one familiar setting we could attend with the same families for months.
Have a babysitter come to your house and watch the children while you’re still at home but busy so your child gets familiar with them and enjoys their attention before you leave them together for the first time.

Preparing – What to Expect

Slow to warm kids do better when things are predictable – they know what to expect and what is expected of them. You can help with this by:

Showing them pictures or videos of the activity you’ll do or the place you’re going
If possible, visit the location before the event you’ll be attending – you may want to try observing a class before joining the class
Review what the schedule will be – what activities will happen and what will be expected of them. Don’t leave out things just because they’re obvious to you… it might be obvious to you that before you go swimming you’ll go into a locker room and change into swimsuits – but if your child doesn’t expect this, it could be one more challenge for them
If you can meet the teacher before a class, or meet some of the other kids before an event, that can help
Try reading books or watching videos about similar experiences
Do pretend play to practice what the activity will be like

Getting Things Off to a Good Start

Make sure the first day goes as well as possible!

Allow plenty of time to get there so you’re relaxed, not rushed.
Arrive early so you and your child can be some of the first to enter the space. That will be so much better for them than arriving in a classroom that is already full of strangers.
Let your child come in gradually, and engage slowly when they’re ready. You may sit together on a bench at a playground for a while before they decide to play.
If the teacher greets your child, don’t push your child to respond. If the teacher asks a question, give your child time to respond – don’t jump in too quick to answer for them. If they are clearly not ready to respond, answer the question for them. (But don’t apologize for them! If a child always hears their parent say “sorry – he’s shy”, that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can talk to the teacher at another time, out of your child’s earshot, to let them know that your child is slow to warm and give suggestions on what seems to help.)
Many young children do best in a new setting if the parent sits down on the floor and lets the child sit down on their lap and observe for a while. Let them decide when they’re ready to move away – don’t push them before they’re ready. Every time you push them forward one step, they’ll retreat two.
If your child needs to make decisions, give them time to think through their options. Let them know they can change their minds later.
For drop-off programs, have a goodbye ritual you do each and every time: help your child plan what they’ll do next (“go sit with your teacher so you can hear the story” or “as soon as I go, you can try out the play-dough table”), say your goodbye and walk away as if you’re totally confident that they’ll do fine without you.

Your Parenting Style

Slow to warm up kids can be frustrating for parents. It can seem like they are stubborn, and you may feel like you should be pushing them more. But try to be flexible. If you push, they may get even more resistant.

Slow to warm up kids who worry a lot can cause parents to worry a lot. If you take the sink or swim approach, they may be even more frightened of future challenges. Try to be patient. Empathize with their worries but also convey confidence that they can be OK and they can take on any challenge with the right support.

Never shame your child for their temperament or compare them unfavorably to others. (“Why can’t you be more like _____?”)

Let your child know that you love and accept them. When you ask them to try new things or face their fears, you’re not trying to change them or fix them. You just want to help them grow so they have more opportunities.

Help them Understand their Own Temperament

We want to be careful not to overly label a child and define them as only one thing. Both positive labels and negative labels can limit a child… a child who is labeled a graceful dancer may be hesitant to try sports, a child who is labeled as wild tends to stay that way.

However, thinking about categories can help people understand themselves and help them to feel seen and understood. So, as a child moves into their elementary school years, you don’t want to say “you’re so shy, it’s so hard for you to go into new settings.” But you can say “I’ve noticed that when you go somewhere new, it takes you a little while to warm up. Some things I’ve tried that seemed helpful to you were…” Or “you’ve noticed that some other kids seem to have an easy time trying new things and making new friends, and it feels harder for you. I know you just need a little more time to settle in. But I also know you get there eventually. Remember when…”

The Strengths of Slow to Warm Up Kids

Slow-to-warm kids tend to be great observers, noticing details others don’t. They tend to have good impulse control and think before they act. They may not have a lot of friends, but can be very loyal to those they do connect with. They can be very empathetic. When they are comfortable somewhere, they can be just as happy and just as adventurous as any child.

Look for Role Models

Find friends, family members or others who have that cautious personality. Ask them to talk to your child about what helps them and how they’ve learned by stepping outside of their comfort zones.

Books and Videos

I found some books about kids who are shy, or who worry or whisper. These might be nice reads for you and your child to help them feel seen and maybe inspire them to step outside their comfort zone a bit. Find the recommendations here: https://gooddayswithkids.com/2022/02/13/books-for-shy-kids/

You can also choose videos that have shyer, quieter characters like Daniel Tiger in the original Mr. Rogers, not just loud and bold characters. Help them see the strengths of all personality types.

Resources

Here are helpful resources where you can learn more about how to support a slow-to-warm child.

Children with Shy or Slow to Warm Up Temperaments: https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/198-children-with-shy-or-slow-to-warm-up-temperaments
Parenting kids with slow to warm up temperament: https://www.easternflorida.edu/community-resources/child-development-centers/parent-resource-library/documents/parenting-the-slow-to-warm-temperament.pdf
Understanding Temperament – Approach / Withdrawal: https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/understanding-temperament-approachwithdrawal/
Learn more about “goodness of fit” and how you can help a child who isn’t “fitting” well with a setting or a person: https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/understanding-goodness-of-fit/
Learn more about how to best support children with all different temperamental traits: https://bellevuetoddlers.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/38588-temperamentchart.pdf
For adults who are “slow to warm up”, check out Susan Cain’s writing about Quiet: The Power of Introverts.

Children’s Books about Big Feelings

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Emotional literacy includes being able to understand other people’s feelings, understand your own feelings, and know appropriate ways to express those feelings. One way to teach these skills to young children is by reading books about emotions. Here are some books that are suggested for 1 – 4 year olds.

These are all good books, well worth reading. Personally, rather than buying just one or two of them, I might get several from my library or find them online so we could learn the different lessons that different books have to teach. (Look here for more thoughts on Choosing Books for Children and resources for finding books online.)

When you read any of these books, read them with feeling! Use your voice, your facial expressions and your body language to illustrate / echo the feelings being described on the pages. Stop and discuss some pages with your child: “Have you ever felt that way?” “Remember yesterday, you felt like that… how do you feel today?” “I feel that way sometimes. When I feel that way, I ____.” “If you felt that way, what could you do?”

Recommended Books

The Color Monster: A Pop-Up Book of Feelings by Llenas. Video. Great attractive illustrations that pop up! Monster’s feelings are all jumbled up, and they sort them out into jars. “This is sadness. It’s gentle and blue… when you’re sad, you might want to cry or be alone. This is anger. It blazes bright red. When you’re angry, you want to roar and shout… this is calm… all your feelings are in their places now. They are easier to understand when they’re not all mixed together.” It’s a nice approach to understanding the different types of feelings, and could be a good companion to some of the ideas about helping children understand the different intensities of feelings and zones of regulation, as I discuss in my Big Feelings post.

The Feelings Book by Todd Parr. Video. Colorful goofy illustrations. Each page shows one feeling: “Sometimes I feel brave… sometimes I feel like making mud pies… sometimes I feel lonely… sometimes I feel like trying something new…. No matter how you feel, don’t keep them to yourself… share them…” It’s just a nice sampling of all the different ways we can feel and how our feelings change and move on all the time.

When I Am / Cuando estoy (Bilingual) by Rosa-Mendoza. (Video) Nice illustrations of diverse children. Each page addresses an emotion and an action: “When I am angry, I stomp my feet… when I am sad, I hug my bear.” Nice simple overview – I would use it as a springboard to discuss other options for things they could do when they have those feelings.

How Do You Feel? by Browne. Video. “Sometimes I feel bored…. I feel confident, but I can also feel shy.” I like that at the end, it asks “how do you feel” and shows images from all the other pages that allows you to review the feelings. The illustrations of an anthropomorphic monkey do a nice job of illustrating the feelings with color, body language, and other visuals – like on the lonely page, he’s very small.

Lots of Feelings by Rotner. Video. “We have lots of feelings. Sometimes we feel happy. Sometimes sad. We feel angry at times. Loving other times.” Each page has multiple photos of diverse children showing the facial expressions and body language of that emotion. I like the end papers on this book that are filled with feeling words: kind, furious, enthusiastic, perturbed, and many more.

A Little Spot of… by Albers. One of my students recommended: A Little Spot of Feelings: Emotion Detective. (Video) She said she thought there were a LOT of feelings covered and it’s too much to read all at once, but her 3 year old has been referring back to it and talking about the feelings it describes, so she says maybe it’s a good reference book. It is part of a larger series: A Little Spot of Emotions is 8 books and matching plushies: anger, anxiety, confidence, happiness, love, peacefulness, sadness, and scribble (tangled). Reviewers talk about how when their children are having a hard time explaining their feelings, they will fetch the plushie that represents how they’re feeling. A Little Spot of Feelings books cover: belonging, boredom, calm, empathy, flexible thinking, frustration, worry, and the emotion detective. (You can get plushies separately.) I like the … Frustration book It talks about what you can and can’t control, and when you get frustrated you can choose to “flip” the feeling around. Check out the video.

Book series Feelings for Little Children, which includes When You’re Mad and You Know It by Crary or If You’re Angry And You Know It by Kaiser (video). These books can be sung to the tune of If You’re Happy and You Know It, and each gives options for a variety of ways to express that feeling. ” “blow air out,” “shake it out” and “give a shout.”

The book series called Let’s Look at Feelings. Video. It includes books like What I look like when I’m Scared, which shows photos of people looking frightened. It very concretely teaches expressions – “when I am scared, I pull my chin in and frown.” This might be most appropriate for children who really have a hard time intuiting people’s feelings and need this to be very literal, such as autistic children.

The Way I Feel Books books, like When I Feel Sad (video), or Angry (video) talk about some of the reasons someone might feel that way, lets them know it’s OK to feel that way, and that the feeling will pass. They’re great for age 3 – 5.

A Is for Angry: An Animal and Adjective Alphabet by Boynton. Video. Although I’ve read HUNDREDS of books to my kids, I own only a very few favorites. This is one of my favorites. “A is for Angry Anteater, B is for Bashful Bear… O is for Outraged Opossum.” So fun to read… with feeling! It just teaches words / moods – doesn’t provide info on what to do with your feelings.

The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning has a long list Books for Supporting Social Emotional Development. They also have a Book Nook section on their website, where they have a selection of about 20 books, where each has a companion PDF including rhymes, songs, games and craft activities to reinforce the SEL lessons in the book. For example, the lesson plan to accompany I Can Share by Katz talks about group time activities, a song, center stations and activities for snack time and outdoors to reinforce sharing.

There are lots more options, like Today I feel silly by Curtis; The Way I Feel by Cain, My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss, and Glad Monster / Sad Monster by Ed Emberley. Find more ideas in this list from Zero to Three. And here are more videos from the Feelings Channel.

I have lots more recommendations for books, including: toddler favorites, “books that sing”, books about science, children’s books about autism, and more. Find all the links at the bottom of my post on Choosing Books for Your Child.

If you’re teaching online classes now, be sure to check out my post on best practices for Sharing Picture Books in Online Storytime.

Note: In the list above, the book title is an Amazon affiliate link which will take you to all the info on the book. If you then purchase anything on Amazon, I do get a small referral fee, with no additional cost for you. The “video” links are to YouTube videos where you can see the book and hear it read aloud. Some of these videos were created by people with permission to do so; others may be copyright violations – I encourage you to purchase the books you like best and support their authors and illustrators.

More Resources

You might also appreciate my posters on “When I feel mad, I can___”, “When I feel said I can___” that address how to recognize and express emotions. Plus these posts on emotional literacy, calm down skills, and the Zones of Regulation tool for noticing and managing emotions.

Building Resilience in Children

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Resilience is the ability to bounce back from hard times. We describe someone as resilient if they are doing better than we would expect given the challenges that they are facing. Since we will all face periods of adversity in our lives, having that ability to weather those periods is key to a happy, successful life.

So, how do we help our children learn to be resilient?

Your relationship with them is the foundation of resilience. Children learn to be resilient in the context of supportive relationships with caring adults, who treat them respectfully, and compassionately, offering emotional support when they’re struggling while at the same time treating them as competent, capable people.

The first step in building resilience to challenges, ironically, is to let them experience challenges. If we always protect them from all hardship, they never learn the skills for how to cope with it.

Harvard researchers say “Let your children experience challenges. With the help of supportive adults, this ‘positive stress’ can be beneficial. Over time, both our bodies and our brains begin to perceive these stressors as increasingly manageable and we become better able to cope with life’s obstacles and hardships.”

Let them Experience Disappointment

In Amy Miller’s article on Motherly, she articulates this beautifully:

“I looked at my 3 year old’s big, sad eyes… I wanted to take away the sadness. [But] as difficult as it is to see my children hurting, I don’t do them any favors trying to take away their pain… We learn as we grow that disappointments happen. We need to learn how to face disappointment head on. Learning to be resilient… is a challenge. But it’s a skill that can be learned. And it’s a skill that requires courage. This is the kind of courage I want my children to have.”

Note, this doesn’t mean that we ignore their disappointment. Validating it and helping them learn to cope with it is part of building emotional literacy. It just means not rescuing them from their sadness. When we let them experience it with our support, eventually the disappointment passes, and they learn that sadness doesn’t last forever.

(Tip: The Pixar movie Inside Out is a great movie to watch with kids, because it speaks of the importance of acknowledging sadness, not trying to run away from it all the time.)

Help them Learn to Manage Anxiety

Researchers at Yale have found that when children are experiencing anxiety, our natural impulse is to want to protect them. It’s tempting to say ‘I hear that it’s really scary… you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.’ These sorts of accommodations actually make anxiety worse – they reinforce that this thing must be really scary if caring adults think they can’t handle it.

Instead, the recommendation is to first validate the fear, and then help them build a baby-step plan for tackling their monsters. Say: ‘It’s OK to feel scared. Let’s make a plan for how do it anyway.’

Let them Take Risks and Experience Consequences

It’s important to let kids engage in some minor risk-taking behaviors (climbing up high, handling dangerous tools after being taught how, rough and tumble play), even if there’s a chance of some bumps and bruises.

“Risk teaches children how to fail and try again, test their limits and boundaries, become resilient and acquire coping skills… Accidents happen – kids fall and skin their knees… And as tragic as it is in that moment, it’s through that experience that they learn perseverance, they learn determination. They dust themselves off and go try something again and they can overcome it.” Darel Hammond, CEO of KaBOOM!

Be a hummingbird parent (not a helicopter parent): “I hover nearby, but not over my kids. I remain distant enough to let them explore and learn how to solve problems. I teach them skills, mainly by example. I zoom in only when their survival is threatened. My goal is… a resilient life.” (source)

I also believe that we let our kids experience physical discomfort sometimes – playing outside on a cold day, going on long hikes that tire us out, getting caught in rainstorms, walking to the store on a super hot day. They’ll learn that if they whine about it and let themselves suffer, it just makes it worse. If they accept the discomfort and choose not to stress about it, they don’t have to be miserable.

Teach Grit and a Growth Based Mindset

Encourage them to try new things. Use The Power of Yet: When your child says “I can’t do this”, then you need to add “Yet. I can’t do this yet.”

Create a culture where struggle and risk-taking and doing things outside your comfort envelope is valued more than getting the right answer. Talk about mistakes and failures as normal parts of learning. Let them know that everyone, no matter how talented, runs up against things they can’t do. The ones who succeed are the ones who fail, pick themselves up, fail again and persevere till they succeed.

Let them Make Decisions, Practice Problem Solving

Give your children some freedom to explore, making their own decisions, problem solving the unexpected challenges. Ellen Sandseter says “When they are left alone and can take full responsibility for their actions, and the consequences of their decisions, it’s a thrilling experience.” And one that they learn a great deal from.

In order to offer this freedom, we have to have taught a wide variety of skills, and we especially have to have taught decision making and problem-solving. Look for opportunities to problem solve collaboratively. Building things together often offers those opportunities – read about our experience at an adventure playground as an illustration of this.

Tell Stories of People Who Persisted

Researcher Marshall Duke found that children who knew their family histories were more resilient. If the narratives were just about the family’s successes, they were not as powerful as if the narratives told about both the ups and the downs… “we had plenty of hard times, but we made it through together.” It creates a story for the child that “our people” are resilient.

I also think it’s helpful if your reading and movie watching includes lots of instances of diverse people facing hardship and working their way through to the other side.

Re-frame challenges as learning opportunities

Psychologist George Bonanno talks about the importance of how we perceive a challenge in our lives. Re-framing it as a short-term, specific issue to be addressed one step at a time can seem more manageable than if we try to solve it all at once. Also, remembering every challenge offers a chance to learn and grow.

Help them build an internal locus of control

Developmental psychologist Emmy Werner found that “resilient children… were autonomous and independent, and would seek out new experiences… they believed that they, and not their circumstances, affected their achievements. The resilient children saw themselves as the orchestrators of their own fates.” The way I speak about this with children is “you can’t always control what happens to you, but you can always control how you choose to respond to it.”

You can use a framework of “I have… I am… I can…” Have them think about what resources they have, to tell themselves a positive story of who they are, and to think about concrete steps that they can take to help improve their situation.

I also think it’s important for children to be invited to make contributions and be appreciated for their work. You can do volunteer work together, do random acts of kindness for people, and definitely assign chores. Even if children whine a lot about chores, doing chores helps them see that they have valuable skills that can make a positive impact on those around them.

Learn More

Read more about resilience at all the links I’ve included here, and on my article about factors that influence resilience.

Here is a handout on building resilience in children that you can share.