The Pew research center asked 3700 parents “compared with how you were raised, are you trying to raise your children in a similar way or a different way?”

43% say they are raising their child similarly to how they were raised. 44% say they are trying to take a different approach. Interestingly, fathers are more likely to say similar (47%) and mothers are more likely to say different (48%). Along racial lines, 49% of White parents said they were raising their children in a way similar to how they were raised vs. 42% of Black parents, 37% of Asian parents and 32% of Hispanic parents.

There were also differences when asked about particular themes.

Family Values

A notable majority of parents (63%) were raising their children with similar values and religion as how they were raised. Responses “…tended to center around instilling respect for others, good morals, and a strong work ethic…. integrity and honesty… good citizens.” 17% specifically focused on the family religious traditions. Only 13% were focusing on different values and religion. “These range from compassion to open-mindedness, which some parents feel were not among the values their own parents taught them as children.”

Although parents did focus on what values they wanted to teach, they also seem to leave space for their child to grow into an adult who might not share all the values they were raised with.

Relationships

With love and relationship themes, 16% said they wanted to parent like they were parented. They “tended to talk about providing their kids with a loving household or giving them unconditional love.” 44% hoped to be different. “Many said they are giving them more love and affection than what they received as a child…” Being an involved parent was a sentiment expressed by both groups, including family dinners and spending time together. “Parents who are raising their children differently [included] not yelling as much and listening more.” Some “underscored accepting their children for who they are. A..others focused on providing their children with emotional support and being more in touch with their feelings than their parents were.”

Discipline

Their approach to behavior and discipline were similarly mixed, with 29% saying they wanted to be similar to their parents and 32% saying different. Some wanted to be stricter than their parents were with them, feeling like they could have been pushed harder. Some wanted to be more lenient with their child, including 1 in 10 specifically saying they would not physically punish a child as they were physically punished.

I know from my 30 years as a parent educator that none of us are perfect parents who are meeting our ideal parenting goals every day! But I have seen that it can be particularly challenging for those who want to parent differently than they were parented. In stressful situations, we can fall into old patterns that once seemed normal to us even if they no longer fit our values and goals.

Parenting Style

They asked about parenting style, but I think their question was really flawed. They asked “which of the following best describes your parenting style?” I wish they had phrased the answers positively as what parents TRY to do: “my goal is to give a lot of freedom” and “I know what’s best for my child, so I help guide a lot of their choices.” Or “I push my child so they will be successful” and “I try not to create too much pressure on them.” Instead they phrased it more as ‘how are failing to meet your goals?’ Do you “give too much freedom” or are you “over-protective.” Do you “not push hard enough” or “push too hard.”

Given their methodology, the only way I can read this is that the “neithers” are the people who feel confident that they’ve found the balance that they are shooting for.

How do you set your parenting goals?

Whether you want to be different from your parent(s) or the same, it can help to spend some time being intentional about creating a vision for what kind of parent you want to be. And how to forgive yourself when you fail to meet your own expectations.

You may also check out my articles on Parenting Style, Gentle Parenting, an authoritative approach to Offering Choices, Discipline, Emotion Coaching and Teaching Cultural Identity.