There are a lot of comedy sketches making fun of the “gentle parenting” style. (And to be honest, I LOVE Mrs. Frazzled’s videos where she “gentle parents” politicians.)

But what is Gentle Parenting? Is it effective if “done right”? What are the possible pitfalls to avoid?

Overview

The approach was described by Sarah Ockwell-Smith in The Gentle Parenting Book. In her introduction, she dispels what gentle parenting is not: “It is not permissive parenting… Boundaries, limits and discipline play a crucial role… If you do not discipline your child, how can you be truly respectful of them? …In discipline, there are two active roles – the adult as teacher and the child as learner.”

It is clearly not authoritarian style parenting, where a parent gives orders and doles out punishment if those orders are not followed.

Instead, she says gentle parenting method fits in the “authoritative” style of parenting. Parents have high, but developmentally appropriate, expectations for the child. They are responsive to the child’s needs, and supportive of the child’s interests. They offer the child developmentally manageable autonomy. They set clear and realistic boundaries, and reinforce them consistently. They show affection and mutual respect. They show empathy, accepting and validating a child’s feelings, while still holding limits. “All feelings are OK, but all behaviors are not OK.”

There are four pillars to the approach: empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries. Let’s look at what that should mean for gentle parenting to be successful, and what pitfalls to avoid.

Empathy not Sympathy

Erin Leonard talks about a potential pitfall of gentle parenting is when a parent uses sympathy not empathy. Sympathy – when the parent feels sorry for the child – might mean they jump in and rescue the child or make excuses for their behavior. They might lower their expectations for their child or bend rules. (Sometimes this might look like “helicopter parenting.”) When this happens, the child learns to expect rescues, learns that they can manipulate their parent, and doesn’t learn accountabillity.

Empathy is “calmly honoring feelings but firmly correcting behaviors… ‘You’re really disappointed. I get it, but you cannot throw things. Go pick [that] up’.”

Respect, not rolling over

Once in a class, I was talking about the importance of respecting your child. One parent responded with “in my culture, respect is something you have for your elders or people who have higher prestige. What do you mean respect children?” I explained that for me, my goal is always to treat everyone with respect. That doesn’t mean deference or submission. It’s more the “golden rule” – treat everyone as you would want to be treated. I treat them as a person , who has equal rights and equal value as me, who I assume has the best of intentions and I assume is who is smart and capable. (In her RIE approach, Magda Gerber talked a lot about respecting babies!) But… respect is always affected by context.

I can be very respectful of an employee and we might feel like near equals most of the time, but when needed, I can exercise my authority. With a child, I can be respectful of them while still understanding their developmental limitations. “I know you’re still learning how to control yourself when you’re mad, and I totally understand why you’re mad right now! It’s never OK to hit.”

I had a 4 year old child at a storytime who frequently pushed his mother, hit her, tried to knock her over… not in anger or anything, just because he was bored. Letting a child do that is not true “gentle parenting” because gentle parenting includes mutual respect and holding each other to a higher standard.

Understanding, not always agreeing

Understanding can mean knowing your child’s interests, their dislikes, their strengths and weaknesses. It involves some warmth and responsiveness, rather than the colder, more standardized approach some authoritarian parents take.

But responsiveness doesn’t mean you let your child eat anything they want to, do anything they want to, and never do anything that they don’t like or that’s outside their comfort zone. One of our key jobs as parents is to help our kids do well in school and then launch into a successful adulthood.

I once had a conversation with a parent who asked me what she most needed to do to be sure her child would be ready for kindergarten. I told her she needed to say no more often and that she needed to make him do more things he didn’t want to do. This mom was a VERY loving parent who was trying to do her best. She didn’t like to see her child unhappy, so always accommodated his whims. But that’s not really preparing him for the way the world works. (And she was also exhausted…) Part of what she needed to do was teach him “when the teacher says it’s time to do X, you have to do X.”

Boundaries

When parenting a baby, many parents choose attachment style parenting, or a child-led approach. They follow the baby’s cues, and respond quickly to meet baby’s needs. That is 100% developmentally appropriate for a newborn. However, as the child gets older, it is best to start creating routines and rules to help guide your child’s behavior. When a child knows What to Expect and What’s Expected of Them, they can be successful in school, and life at home can be more pleasant.

An effective gentle parent would: Set clear limits. Hold them consistently. Plan ahead for how to respond to bad behavior. And then do that.

Some people interpret gentle parenting as never punishing the child. It does mean never physically punishing the child (spanking or hitting). But it is necessary at times to impose consequences for bad behavior. This can be done in a respectful, empathetic way that still teaches the importance of following rules and being accountable for poor choices. Even a gentle parent can be the boss – a loving boss, but still the boss.

Learn more

• Gentle parenting: Techniques, pros and cons, and how to start
• An exploration of the meaning of gentle parenting
• What is positive parenting?

Or check out my articles on Parenting Style, an authoritative approach to Offering Choices, Discipline, and Emotion Coaching.