Tag Archives: social skills

Social Skills After Quarantine

In 2021, as we are beginning to come out of the isolation of COVID-19, parents may feel a special urgency to make up for lost time on social development. Learning about developmentally normal stages of social development can help you to prioritize what support your child needs and how to help them make connections.

Making Up for Lost Time

Early childhood is prime time for learning social skills. For children that were socially isolated during those years due to coronavirus, parents may worry that their child’s social skills will be irreparably damaged. But children are so resilient – when social play opportunities open up, they’ll catch up!

First, remember – your child has been practicing social skills! Even if it was just one child and one adult living together, there was plenty of opportunity to practice talking and listening, taking turns, playing together, and conflict resolution. (If there were additional people or animals in the mix, even better.) If you want to evaluate whether they’re on track with social skills, check out this checklist of play skills (or this one) that children typically develop at each age – you may discover they are right where they should be developmentally. If they haven’t yet mastered some of the typical skills, the checklist will give you a sense of what to work on.

Learn what’s normal / what’s next:

It’s helpful to know what we’d typically expect at each age for children so as they start to play together, you can watch for these skills. It’s also helpful to know what’s next in typical development, so you can foster opportunities for learning.

Infants – if your baby was home with only you during the first few months, that’s fine! A young baby can get all the social cues and interaction they need from just one or two caring adults. Just practice serve-and-return interactions, where your baby smiles at you and you smile back. Your baby coos and you coo back. (Learn more.) And learn about infant cues to guide your responses. If your baby has the opportunity to interact with additional adults or older children, they will likely happily engage with anyone.

Older Babies. From 6 – 12 months, your baby learns to play more interactively with you and will likely enjoy peek-a-boo, copying your actions, clapping with you, passing toys back and forth, and finding toys you have hidden. Some babies may play happily with all they encounter. However, it is important to know that even in normal times, many infants develop a fear of strangers at around 7 to 8 months, so interacting with other people in person prior to that may help to reduce that. If you’re just introducing your child to other people at this age, reassure yourself that stranger fear is developmentally normal, not just a product of coronavirus quarantine… they will outgrow it just as all babies have always outgrown it. Here are tips on reducing separation anxiety. And more tips.)

Young Toddlers – up to 2 years. Before 18 – 24 months, children primarily engage in solitary play, where they engage with toys, but often appear uninterested or unaware of other children. So, if your child was in isolation during this period, don’t worry about it! If you bring them back into connection with other kids during this period, know that it’s normal for them to not really engage much. They do engage with adults or older children more effectively than they do with peers, so if you’re choosing only one COVID playmate to help build your toddler’s social skills, 71 year old grandma or 17 year old babysitter may be as good a match as a 17 month old buddy. To build social skills, try Floortime play, which begins with child-led play, then “stretches” the play to be more interactive and turn-taking.

Onlookers: Around 2 years old, they begin to shift to spectator play, where they may begin observing other children more. This is a great time to take them to public parks where they can watch other children at play, up close or from afar.

Older Toddlers – 2+ years. Children begin to engage in parallel play. They will play next to each other, often mimicking what the other child is doing. They may not often engage in reciprocal back-and-forth play with a peer, but they are learning from each other. If your child was isolated during this stage, they almost certainly did parallel play with you. If you’re re-integrating them into social play at this age, they can do fine one-on-one or in groups, with familiar kids or with children they’ve just met.

“Stealing” toys is very common at this age. They are not intentionally trying to deprive the other child of something… it’s just that they noticed what the other child was doing and they want to do it now. One of the most effective ways to handle this issue is distraction – let the child who seems more focused on the contested toy keep it, and distract the other child with a new toy. That will work better, and is more developmentally appropriate than telling children to share.

Three Year Olds. Around age 3, children begin to do more associate play. They start to interact more with each other, trading toys, copying each other, or “inviting” the other child to participate in what they are doing. They become more interested in the other child than in the toy. They may work together on a goal – like building with blocks, but there aren’t usually “rules” to the game. They can learn social skills by playing with adults or with older children, but it’s great if they can have peer interaction at this age. It does not have to be in a large group pre-school. One-on-one or a few children at a time is fine. It may be tempting to enroll in classes as your primary place to connect with other kids, but if your main goal is social skills, it is easier for children to learn those in settings that allow lots of free play (a playground, playdates with other families, a play-based preschool, or a family size child care setting) than in a structured class (like a gymnastics or soccer class where the teacher is trying to keep them on task.)

Check out the “skills to practice at home” section below.

Four and Five Year Olds. At this age, they have moved into true cooperative play. They share toys, they share ideas, they create “rules” or agree on which role each one will play in a pretend game, and work together toward goals. They start learning more about cooperation, compromise, and fair turn-taking. Whereas at younger ages, it’s fine to have your child play with lots of different kids, this is an important age for children to have a few consistent buddies to play with repeatedly, to build friendship skills. If they are enrolled in a group setting, like preschool or extracurricular classes, look for children there that they most connect with, and try setting up playdates with that family to give them more opportunity to connect. Or, if you’re still limiting exposures to other kids, find just one to three families for a low COVID risk playgroup. Check out “skills to practice at home” below, and my post on “Teaching Friendship Skills.”

Reducing Coronavirus Risk

Every parent has to make their own calculations, but here are some things to consider.

  • If the number of vaccinated people in your community is high, and the number of current cases are low, there is less risk of community transmission than when there are fewer vaccinated folks and case numbers are growing.
  • The risk of transmission in outdoor, socially distanced settings is lower. The risk at indoors, poorly ventilated, non-distanced settings is higher.
  • If the parents at the playdate are vaccinated and wear masks, the risk is lower.
  • If children (over age 2) wear masks, the risk is lower.
  • Fewer people involved means fewer exposure risks.
  • You can plan activities that make it easier for children to stay distanced, or provide supports to help them remember to be distanced (like hula hoops or sit-upons to mark places to sit.) Teach them to wave hello rather than hugging or high fiving. Have them wash hands before and after play. Save snacks for after the gathering.

Skills to Practice at Home

You can boost their social skills by practicing in advance of playdates. Do lots of pretend play, puppet shows and role plays, and talk about the social and emotional experiences of characters in stories that you are reading.

When teaching about emotions, I have always taught children to recognize how facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice all communicate emotion, but especially when masks cover up much of our facial expressions, the other non-verbal cues are especially important to teach.

Practice give-and-take conversations, where you take turns fairly, don’t interrupt each other, and ask the other person questions about what they said rather than always just telling them things. Role model social skills by how you interact with friends, family and people in the community.

Introduce the ideas of taking turns. Play side by side with your child, and occasionally ask: ‘can I play with that toy now?’ Or say ‘you can have that toy for one more minute and then it’s my turn.’ If they try to take a toy from you, say ‘I’m playing with it now. You can have it in a minute. Here’s another toy you can play with now.’ Don’t expect 2 – 3 year olds to be good at sharing and taking turns! It’s a skill that needs to be learned and practiced, and they just have to reach a stage of development where they can empathize with another child’s feelings. But practicing at home gives them a chance to build trust in the idea that if they let you have your turn that you will give it back when it’s their turn.

If your child seems shy or withdrawn, don’t assume it’s because of COVID. It could just be their natural temperament. Just search online for tips to help with a shy or introverted child, or what I like to call a “slow-to-warm-up” child. Some simple ways to help them are: get together in smaller groups in quiet, not chaotic environments; arrive before the other child(ren) to get settled; sit on the ground and let your child sit on your lap till they feel ready to venture out. Don’t push.

Learn more in my post on “Teaching Friendship Skills.” Also check out “Making Up for Lost Time” from Bright Horizons, Helping Your Child Make Friends Again from PBS, and my tips for Successful Playdates.

Stranger Danger vs. Social Skills

handshakeParents of adolescents and college age kids tell me that their kids have a hard time with the basic social interactions of life: ordering food in a restaurant, asking for help finding something in a store, making a phone call to register for a class, interviewing for college or for a job. They try to avoid those encounters whenever they can, and ask for parents’ help when it’s unavoidable. (And likely miss out on opportunities because of the anxiety related to this.) The parents wonder how to teach their kids to talk to people.

Here’s the problem… those same parents often spent their children’s early years teaching them not to do this. They spent years saying “don’t talk to strangers” and are now saying “would you please talk to that stranger??”

When we talk about stranger danger, what are parents afraid of? The “stereotypical” kidnapping where a stranger grabs a child and disappears with them. Does that happen? Yes, there are around 100 – 200 cases of that per year in the United States and yes, that’s a tragedy when it happens. But there are over 70 million children living in the United States! The chance that a stranger will kidnap your child is very VERY small. The chance that your child will grow up into an adult who needs to regularly interact with other people, some of whom will be strangers to them – well, pretty much guaranteed.

The chance that the stranger you encounter is a creepy, dangerous person? Pretty darn small. The chance that they are a perfectly lovely person who could have a pleasant neighborly conversation with you and your child? Pretty darn high.

So, I would encourage us to switch around our approach to assuming that most people are safe to talk to, teaching social skills for basic encounters, and, as they get older, teaching them safety limits.

  • When we have a baby or toddler, we can model smiling, chatting, waving hello with store clerks, waitresses, bus drivers, and people we pass on the street. Our children follow our social cues here and will do the same. However, if we’re waiting for a bus or walking through a “dodgier” neighborhood, we might not engage with anyone around us. Again, our kids will follow our cues. We don’t have to act fearful of the strangers or tell our child to be scared of them – we can just have a few more social barriers up.
  • When we have a preschooler, we can start talking about social skills and when/who to engage. For example:
    • it’s OK to talk to strangers when mom or dad are right there with you, but if your parents aren’t there, don’t talk to the stranger. (There may be exceptions to that rule, like “it’s OK to talk to all the grown-ups at preschool” or “it’s OK to talk to all the grown-ups at church, even if I’m not there with you.”)
    • It’s OK to talk to people who are working in places we go (the librarian, the lifeguard at the pool, and so on.) But, we should keep our conversations with them short, as they have work to do, and may not have time to hear all the details of our day.
    • If your parents aren’t talking with the people around them, probably you shouldn’t either. Later on, you can ask your parents to explain.
    • If an adult makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to speak to them. Mama or Daddy can help you handle the situation.
  • When we have children who are old enough to be out and about without us nearby, then is the time we introduce the idea that all people are not safe, and we teach guidelines to help keep them safe.
    • Again, it’s OK to speak to adults who are working in a place, especially if you need help with something.
    • It’s OK to nod and say hello to people as you pass, but if a stranger tries to engage you in a conversation, move away from them, and to where there are safe adults.
    • If a strange adult says they need help (with directions, with finding a lost puppy, etc.) then go to a trusted adult and let them know.
    • Never go anywhere with a strange adult unless a trusted adult has explicitly explained this to you in advance.
    • Be sure your children know their full names, their parents’ phone numbers, and where the trusted adults are near their home.
  • Also, as kids get older, ask them to use their social skills. If they’re trying to find something in a store or library, teach them to ask for help. If there’s something they need to make a phone call to do, help coach them through it, rather than doing it for them. If they will be doing an interview for college or a job, role play it with them ahead of time.

For more info on teaching about ‘stranger danger’, click here.