separation anxiety Archives - More Good Days with Kids

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When children are about to start preschool, parents may worry about how their child will adapt. Here are steps you can take to ease the transition.

Prepare Yourself

If you are anxious, your child will pick up on that, and they’ll be anxious too.

So, before you start talking to them about preschool, do whatever you need to do to build your own confidence about it. Get support from others if needed. If your child does notice your anxiety, calmly say “I’m feeling uncertain now just because this is something new – here’s what I’m doing to remind myself it will be OK.”

Teach Skills

Many parents think about teaching letters or numbers to prep kids for preschool. But the kids who make the smoothest transitions are the ones who can: eat, dress and toilet independently; solve problems and know when to ask for help; and bounce back when things don’t go their way.

In the weeks or months before starting preschool, here are some skills to work on with your child:

Teach self-help skills so they won’t have to wait for a teacher to help them.
- Help them learn how to put on their shoes, put on and take off their coat, put things in a backpack and wear a backpack.
- Help them learn how to manage their lunches: such as opening their string cheese or yogurt containers by themselves.
- Teach toileting, handwashing skills, and also practice how to use hand sanitizer.
- Make sure they know to cover their cough by coughing (or sneezing) into their elbow, and they know how to blow their nose and throw the tissue away.
Teach social skills: how to make friends, how to invite someone to play with you, how to ask to play with a toy someone else is using, taking turns, and so on. Set up playdates to practice skills.
Create routines. What routines can you establish at home to make it easier to get moving in the morning? If you’ll need to be up earlier than you’re used to, can you adjust bedtime? Learn about school routines and use similar practices at home. (e.g. wash hands before snack time.) If your child will use new tools – like a lunchbox or water bottle – get them early and practice.
Teach resilience and self-calming skills. How to recover from upsets and move on.

Read Books / Watch Shows

One of the best ways to introduce the idea of preschool (before even talking to your child about the fact that they will be going to one) is to watch shows or read books about preschool and about starting school. (Here are my recommended picture books about preschool.) Choose ones with a positive approach. (If your child is NOT already feeling anxious, don’t choose books that talk about how worried a child might be… that can actually introduce anxiety!)

Preparing them for Preschool

Talk about what to expect at their school. Visit the school if possible, or look at pictures or a video tour, visit the outside of the building and walk around. Show your child pictures of the teacher. Get some materials like they’ll have in the classroom and practice using them at home.
Teach and practice how to interact with a teacher. Explain that the teacher is there to help them and take care of them. Explain that the teacher is in charge. Teach how to get a teacher’s attention (raise your hand, touch their arm) and how to ask for help. Teach that sometimes they have to wait for a grown-up to be available to help. Play listening games (Simon Says, Red Light Green Light, or Copy this Rhythm).
Pretend play. Pretend to be going to school – who will play the parent? The child? The teacher? Play at things like: waiting in line (with stuffed animals), doing circle time, taking turns, raising hands, asking the teacher for help, saying goodbye at drop-off time.
Set clear expectations about your role at preschool. If you will be dropping them off and leaving, talk about how the drop-off will go, what you will do while they’re at school, and when you will pick them up. Create rituals for drop-off and pick-up time. Reassure them that although this may be a new experience, you are confident that they will be OK.

First Week of School

Don’t make too big a deal of the first day. That anticipation and excitement can turn into anxiety. (No big photo sessions for your socials!)
Don’t introduce all new clothes and shoes and backpack on the first day. Let them wear familiar and comfortable items. Pack their favorite foods and pack the exact same lunch for the first several days so they know exactly what to expect. Ask your school’s policy about “transitional objects” – having a toy from home might help them adjust to all the new things around them.
Allow extra time to get there. If you plan to be a few minutes early, you’ll have time to relax outside just before school and remind your child what to expect. (Note: this is especially true if you have a child you think of as shy – I call them “slow to warm up.” These children do best when they can arrive a little early, before most of the other children, and settle in. They don’t do well running in frantic and late to a full and busy classroom.)
Build a relationship with the teacher(s), other kids, and other parents. When your child sees that you feel comfortable interacting with them all, they will feel comfortable too.
When it’s time to leave, keep your goodbyes brief and radiate confidence that they will be OK. DO say goodbye – don’t try to sneak out when they’re not looking. (Breaks trust.) Tell them what they will be doing while you’re gone, and when you’ll return. (Be sure to honor that promise.)
Make your goodbye ritual simple and sweet. Make sure your child is either settled into an activity or knows that to do next, so that when you walk out the door, your child has something else they’re focused on other than the sight of you leaving them behind.
Lots of children have moments of separation anxiety at first, and may be sad or crying when it’s time for you to go. Resist the urge to rescue them. Be caring and validate their feelings but stick to the plan and leave. Trust the teachers to be the professionals they are. They know how to manage common challenges of separation anxiety. Typically a child who cries at drop off will cry only briefly and soon calm down.
After class, give your child a chance to debrief and talk about how the day went.

Handling the Challenges

Even if you “do everything right”, your child may have bad days, with separation anxiety, biting or hitting, not sitting still for story time or other challenging behaviors. That’s developmentally normal!

Some things that help: if your child is having big feelings, acknowledge them, don’t just try to distract them away.

Regression is normal – for example, a child who was potty trained may have accidents. Don’t punish or shame, just acknowledge the issue and say “let’s try to do better tomorrow.” If your child is really clingy, maybe they just need more snuggling for a while – soothe and reassure them.

Children who know they are loved try hard to be good. If they’re misbehaving, ask yourself – is there a skill or support they’re lacking? If so, help them build it. Ask yourself: could they have an underlying need that is driving the misbehavior? If so, meeting that need may resolve the issue. Be patient and remember that any challenges are just a phase. Just keep doing your best every day and encourage them to do their best, and you’ll make your way through to the other side of this big life step.

Note: if you’re in the Seattle area and looking for a great part-time preschool option, check out the co-op preschools offered by our local colleges’ parent education programs. I teach at Eastgate Co-op in Bellevue and Sammamish Co-op.

Tip for preschool teachers: consider writing a “social story” to send to your families a few weeks before school to introduce them to all your routines.

Many children first show fear around the age of 7- 8 months. The first reactions may be simple startle reactions to loud noises or sudden movements. But a major source of fear may be new people or new situations – this stranger fear and the related separation anxiety is especially common from 8 – 14 months.

But other kids go through separation anxiety from 18 months – 3 years. Or they may experience it when a new stress appears: a move to a new home, a new baby in the house, or starting pre-school.

Ways to reduce separation anxiety: There’s lots of ideas here… if you’re just going to be gone for a short while, you might not use many of these. If you’re going away for an extended period, you might use them all.

Preparation and Practice
- Meet the caregiver in advance, spend time together, demonstrate to your child that you are comfortable with this person
- Visit the environment in advance, get familiar with. Try a few short stays on low stress days when you don’t need to be away, so that the child is up to a longer stay when you do.
- Prepare your child– talk about when/where you’ll be going, and also talk about when you’ll be back. Sometimes talking about this upsets your child, but better that than to be surprised to discover you gone. When talking about this, show confidence that they will handle it well
- Read books about parents going away and coming back. Search online for “books about separation anxiety” and you’ll find plenty of recommendations. Important tip: if your child does not yet have separation anxiety, choose books that just talk confidently about how kids do fine when they’re apart from their parents… don’t choose books that talk a lot about separation anxiety – you don’t want to introduce the idea to a kid who doesn’t yet have it!
Packing for the separation (if the caregiver is coming to your home, show them where to find these!)
- Make sure your child has some familiar objects – favorite books, or toys, comfort foods
- Consider a special activity for your child (e.g. blowing bubbles may be a guaranteed pleasure for your child whether or not you’re there)
- Give them part of you to hold on to – a picture of you, a love note from you, a recording of your voice that a caregiver can play if they’re feeling lonely
When the time comes to separate: Say goodbye briefly before leaving, be cheery and positive demonstrating your confidence that they’ll be fine while you’re gone
- Don’t try to sneak out! Your child may cry when you leave, but will soon settle down. But if you sneak out, that’s very distressing when your child notices you’re gone.
- Ask your caregiver not to mention you unless the child brings you up, but if they do, then to calmly and simply explain where you are and when you’ll be back, then encourage the child to play.
- Don’t call on the phone. Your child may be happily settled in, and the phone call may upset them.
Be casual when you return: In the book Owl Babies, when the mother comes home, she says “What’s all the fuss? You knew I’d come back.” And the babies say “I knew it.” If your child tells you (or shows you) that they were sad that you were gone, you can empathize with that, but also reinforce that they were safe and well cared for while you were gone, and you came back just as you had promised.

More Good Days with Kids

Research, Resources & Realistic Recommendations for Parents of Kids age 1 to 7

Tag Archives: separation anxiety

Prepping for Preschool