I’ve written before about the importance of “mirrors and windows” – choosing books and videos and toys for your child that both reflect back to them their own identity and experiences, AND that give them a window into the beauty and richness of diverse identities. For a presentation on the topic last week, I gathered a collection of books to share as examples – I am sharing here to give insight into some of the lovely books that are available. I also link to lists of other recommended books on that topic.
These books are for preschool or early elementary age children.
Muslim Families: Ramadan Moon by Robert (video) about how families celebrate the month of Ramadan. Or The Proudest Blue: A Story of Hijab and Family. Ibtihaj Muhammad.
Indian Families: Tomatoes for Neela by Lakshmi. (video) Neela loves cooking with her amma (mother) and learning about her paati (grandmother) who lives in India and the family recipes.
Amputee: What Happened to You by Catchpole (video) A child with one leg is playing on the playground and wishes other kids would stop asking what happened and start playing with him. (Note: as a leg amputee myself, I can say that this book is an example of how any one book on diversity never tells the story of everyone who has that identity. I do not mind when people ask me about my leg…)
Autism: All My Stripes by Rudolph. (video) Features Zane the zebra and illustrates some things autistic children may find challenging and some things that make him wonderfully unique.
Blind: My City Speaks by LeBeuf. (video) A visually impaired child who uses a white cane explores her city with her father and performs in a concert on her violin.
Deaf: Hands and Hearts by Napoli. (video) A child and her mother spend a lovely day at the beach, communicating in sign language. The book teaches 15 signs.
Families who are Separated
Military Families: Lily Hates Goodbyes by Marler, illus Stoltenberg. (video) Alternatives include: Night Catch and I Miss You!: A Military Kid’s Book About Deployment. These all address sadness related to deployment and coping tools for managing it.
Children with a parent in jail: Visiting Day by Woodson (video). About a child and their grandmother taking the monthly bus trip to visit the child’s father in prison. Alternatives: Far Apart Close in Heart by Birtha (video) and the Night My Dad Went to Jail by Higgins.
Divorced Families: Two Homes by Masurel. (video) A child talks about their two homes – one with Dad by the water, and one with Mom in the city.
LGBTQ: Gender / Sexual Orientation
Gender Identity: Introducing Teddy by Walton. (video) Teddy explains to a friend that in her heart she has always known she was a girl and wishes her name was Tilly. Other options, which are about Gender Expression: Jacob’s New Dress; My Princess Boy – both about boys who love to wear dresses and how their family / teachers support that.
Gay or Lesbian Parents: Stella Brings the Family by Miriam B. Schiffer (video) about a child who brings her two dads to the Mother’s Day party. Or Families Families Families! by Lang. (video) covers all sorts of family configurations (though it uses animal characters rather than humans so it may be more abstract for your child to understand humans also have diverse families.)
You may also like this post on choosing books for your child (includes info on where to find books, including libraries, online books and videos of books), and if you’re in King County Washington, tips on using our library.
Book titles are linked to listings on Amazon – as an affiliate, I do get a financial bonus from Amazon if you purchase something after clicking on the link. The videos are to read alouds on YouTube. Some of these are approved by the creators of the book, but others may be copyright violations – I encourage you to seek out and purchase books written by diverse authors to support their work.
Recently a parent asked me: “what’s the best first pet for my child?” She had grown up in a culture where most people didn’t own pets so had never had one herself. But she had found that pets are a big part of American culture. For example, a common question at school is “what kind of pet do you have?” Or teachers give assignments to describe your pet. She didn’t want her child to miss out, but didn’t know where to start.
I wrote another post on all the factors to consider when getting a first pet for your child. Some definitely take a lot more work than others! This post is just about my recommendation for a first pet – the betta fish (also known as a Siamese fighting fish.)
They are beautiful to look at. (And watching fish in an aquarium can reduce stress, blood pressure, and hyperactivity.) Betta fish will respond to you when you come to the tank, swimming up to you (unlike most other fish). Some bettas will learn tricks, like following a prop as you move it through the water. They’re also manageable for busy parents to care for, and low cost after the original investment. Betta fish are also good classroom pets for teachers to manage.
I’ll begin with a super-quick overview of how to get started. (I’ve included Amazon affiliate links, in case they’re helpful. I do get a small commission at no cost to you if you click on these and then purchase something.) Further down in the post, there are more details, and links to learn lots more. I am not an expert in this – I’m just a mom whose kids have owned betta fish and we made it work well.
Buying Supplies
Here’s what you’ll need that you can order online or get from Amazon. (Click here for the full list in one place.) It’s best if you get this all set-up and running for about week before getting your fish. (But it may be hard for children to be that patient.)
Yes, there’s a fair amount of start-up costs. That adds up to about $170. (Plus the fish will be ~$10 – 15.) But once you’ve got that, you’re almost done with costs. The food lasts for months, as does a container of water conditioner. The snail and moss balls may last as long as your fish does. (A few years.)
Choosing your Betta
Betta are beautiful, but there’s more to check for than just looks.
At the store, when you move your face or finger up toward the fish’s bowl, does it respond? Healthy betta fish will swim up to investigate when you come near. Some may flare at you aggressively. (In the picture below, you can see the flared out gills as this fighting fish tries to show you how tough he is.) Our first two betta were friendly and inquisitve when we came near. Our third was definitely a tough guy with lots of machismo.
How does the fish look? Healthy betta have bright colors and undamaged fins. Signs that a betta might not be healthy: lethargic, uneaten food in tank, dull coloring, tattered fins, white growns on body, and labored breathing.
Male betta fish have longer and fuller fins and tails.
You generally only want to buy one betta: Bettas are solitary pets – never put two males together in a tank – they will fight till one is injured or dead. Also don’t put a male and a female in the same tank – males are too aggressive. (You could keep a few female bettas together in a larger tank.)
You may see suggestions that you can keep a betta in a very small container (like a big margarita glass) with no pump. That is not a humane way to keep one and they won’t live long like that. (You could live in a closet, but it wouldn’t be a happy life, right?) A 2.5 – 5 gallon tank is best.
This is the tank I had – we bought it at Petco and it’s still in good condition after 5 years. However, the pump creates a strong current. The same company offers this betta tank that has a more betta friendly pump.
The tank must have a lid! Our first betta fish was a jumper. Once I came into my daughter’s room and found something on the floor that looked like a feather – I realized it was a dried out betta fish! I scooped it up and put it back in the tank in time, luckily.
Don’t fill the tank to the very top. Betta originally lived in puddle-like still water (streams and rice paddies), and need to be able to go to the water’s surface to gulp air. (Betta can get oxygen from the air as well as from water via their gills.) Because of this, they don’t need an aerator in the tank.
Heater
Keep the water heated to between 76F (24C) and 82F (27C). Betta are tropical fish, native to Thailand, Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia. In cooler water, they become sluggish and sickly and can’t digest food well. (If your tank doesn’t come with a heater, be sure to buy one.) Don’t put your tank right next to a furnace vent or air conditioner which could have a strong effect on the water temperature.
Filter
Filters reduce harmful bacteria while supporting healthy bacteria, and make it easier to keep the tank clean. The one that came with my tank had a very strong current, which is hard on bettas who evolved in very slow moving waters. So, I only ran it for an hour a day. If your tank didn’t come with a filter, Fish Girl recommends choosing a sponge filter. (Learn about sponge filters.)
Light
Betta like light in the daytime and dark at night. You can put them in a place where they get natural light, but not in bright direct sunshine, which can overheat their tank. They look prettier and it’s easier to see them if you have a bright aquarium light you turn on, but I found that if I left the light on for more than an hour or two a day I got a lot of algae growth I had to deal with cleaning.
Tank Set-Up Needs
Sand or gravel – you’ll need about 1.5 pounds for each gallon of water to end up with 1-2 inches of substrate.
Accessories / decor for the betta to hide in / behind: Bettas don’t like to feel exposed, so make sure you have things for them to hide in / behind. Some like to rest on things near the surface of the water, so include some of those in your decor. Choose silk plants rather than plastic, and check all accessories for sharp edges – if it would snag pantyhose, it could harm the betta’s delicate fins. File sharp edges if needed.
Water conditioner. When you set up the tank, or replenish the water, you’ll need water conditioner. It neutralizes harmful chlorine, chloramines, ammonia and heavy metals in aquarium water. The pH of the water should be between 6 and 8 and the hardness between 5 and 35 dGH. Ammonia should be 0 ppm, nitrates < 40 ppm and nitrite 0 ppm. If your tap water comes from a municipal source, you may be able to find test results online for initial set-up. You can get test strips to evaluate your water over time. Do not use distilled water. It is lacking vital minerals.
Moss balls help remove nitrogen and phosphate from the water, and reduce algae by competing with algae for nutrients. (Learn more)
A nerite snail helps to clean the tank. Watching it slowly cruise around the tank adds interest. (Our son said the fish was his pet, and the snail was the fish’s pet.) Learn more about snails. It is better to get the snail before the fish, as sometimes when you introduce a snail into a betta’s existing habitat, it views the snail as an intruder and harasses / attacks it.
Food
We used Betta Bio-Gold pellets. We fed 8 – 10 in the morning, 8 – 10 in the evening. One .7 ounce container lasted more than a year. (FWIW, one guide says to feed 2-4 pellets twice a day. We fed double that and our fish lived for over two years…)
Choose a pellet food with fish as the first ingredient, and protein >38%. Don’t use flakes – they can cause bloating. You can give frozen bloodworms or brine shrimp for treats (thaw them before feeding).
For vacations, fish can go 2 or 3 days without food. When we were gone for a week, we used Pro-Balance vacation feeders. You do need to clean the tank of the residue when you return. When we were gone two weeks, we had someone come in to put in a new feeder on day 8. Our fish didn’t do well after that two week vacation. I might try the Marina buffet blocks. Or learn more here about vacation needs.
Maintenance
For a 5 gallon tank, it’s recommended that once a week or every other week you do a 25% water change. That means removing part of the water (not all) and replacing it with new conditioned water (use water at about the same temperature as the tank). Doing a partial water change helps to reduce the ammonia in the tank, but is less of a shock to the fish than a 100% change.
Once every 3 – 6 weeks, do a full clean and 100% water change. Clean the gravel (put it in a strainer and rinse it) and the silk plants and accessories (scrub and rinse with water, no soap.) More info on cleaning the tank.
There have definitely been times that I was not an ideal pet owner, and I went a lot longer between water changes and tank cleanings than this, and the fish survived. But these are the recommendations.
Note: a fish tank is an eco-system and it can get out of balance – for example, you can have a severe overgrowth of algae where the tank is filled with green gook. The balance I describe here is what worked for us: the moss balls, the snail, only turning on the tank light for an hour or two every day. If I started to see algae growth, I used the tank light less (note, the tank was in a corner of our kitchen counter so there was plenty of sunlight and artificial light in the room, just not direct into the tank.)
Note: If you see a lot of bubbles on the surface of the water, that means your fish is happy! He’s made a bubble nest in hopes of attracting a mate.
Lifespan
Some guides say they can live up to 10 years with proper care, but most pet ownership guides say 2 – 4 years. The three bettas my family has owned each lived 2 – 3 years. I believe that when you take a living creature into your life, you are committing to care for it for its natural lifespan, so I would encourage you to only get a betta if you are open to the idea of having it for 4 years or so.
Helping Your Child Be a Successful Pet Owner
It’s great if your child can take on much of the work of pet care! It’s a great way to learn responsibility. However, you as the adult are ultimately responsible for the well-being of this living creatue you have brought into your home.
I recommend writing up a checklist to keep next to the tank. Or use a calendar. Either way they make a checkmark when they feed the fish breakfast and again when they feed it dinner. That lets you keep an eye on whether or not the fish is getting fed. Also create another system for remembering to clean the tank or rotate the water.
You can also encourage your child to find other ways to connect with the animal. Here are some pictures from my son’s “betta log book” and his initial experience with his first pet.
vacation issues – if you go away for a weekend or a week, what needs will the pet have?
lifespan cost and effort: how long will the pet live? how much effort / cost does it take to keep the animal fed? what health care costs might you face?
annoyance factor: does the pet create lots of noise or unpleasant odors or does it make messes that must be cleaned? Is it nocturnal? what about allergies?
reward: what joys can be found in owning this pet?
I know a lot of people start by thinking about the rewards of pet ownership – they imagine how fun it will be to play with their puppy, or snuggle their kitten, or watch the hamster roll around in its ball. Those are all joyful experiences, but owning a pet is also a lot of work and responsibility and there are plenty of non-joyful aspects.
When I was a kid, I volunteered at a local animal shelter. I saw so many good animals relinquished – some of which went on to other homes but many that were euthanized. Sometimes pets were relinquished because their owner’s life circumstances changed in unexpected ways and they weren’t able to continue to care for the animal, but more often they decided they just didn’t want to.
I believe quite strongly that when you take a pet into your life, you are committing to that animal’s health and well-being for its natural lifespan, so it’s important to think carefully before taking on that commitment.
Who Makes the Decision?
If your child is asking for a pet, remember it’s really going to be the parent who ends up being mostly responsible for the pet. Tweens and teens may be more responsible than younger children, but will still need lots of support. So, the adult has final say. If there are multiple adults in the household, they need to talk it through and be sure they are in agreement about the pet and about who will be responsible for which aspects of pet ownership.
So, if my child asks for a pet, I first need to decide whether I’m willing to consider it at all. If I am, then I make my children do all the needed research. If they want a pet, I go through the topics covered in this article with them, and I tell them they have to know the answer to those questions before I will consider the pet, and we have to have a care plan for the pet before bringing it home.
Start-Up Costs
Part of the research is learning about ALL the things you’ll need for the animal. We tend to only think of a few of the supplies at first, then they start adding up. Consider:
cost of the animal itself (note: where possible, please consider adopting a pet from an animal shelter or rescue facility rather than buying a new pet from a store or a breeder. There are many great animals who need a new home! Adoption is also often cheaper than purchasing.)
where they’ll live / sleep: an aquarium? hutch? bird cage? dog crate? pillows to sleep on? What other things are needed to make that the appropriate habitat for them: a light? a heat lamp? a pump? a heater? places to hide?
what are their toileting needs? will you need poop bags? litter box? do you need bedding (e.g. cedar shavings in a rodent cage)
what feeding supplies do you need? food dish? water bottle?
what toys and accessories will you buy to enhance the fun of pet ownership? chew toys? costumes? hamster ball?
any needed medical care: vaccinations? spay / neuter?
for dogs and cats, there might also be licensing fees, pet deposits at an apartment, and so on
Effort – Regular Care and Maintenance
What will you need to do every day to care for your pet? What else will need to happen on a regular basis (like once a week, or once a month)?
Feeding: how much time, effort and clean-up does feeding entail?
Obtaining food: how often will you need to go to the store to buy food – can you get food at any grocery store or do you have to go to a specialty pet store?
Toileting / Hygeine: letting a dog out or taking it for a walk several times a day? changing a litter box? cleaning shavings? cleaning a tank? What supplies will you need and what are the on-going costs?
Cleaning up after your pet: if you have a pet that roams the house, even if they are housebroken, there may be times you need to clean up feces or urine. They may also chew shoes, scratch up furniture and so on. Birds are known for scattering feathers, poop, seeds and more around their cages.
Dog Walkers, Day Care and Vacation
How many hours can your pet be left alone? How will that work around your daily schedule of work, school, and children’s activities? Will you need a dog walker? Doggy day care?
How many days can they be left alone? What care will they need while you’re away on a vacation? How easy will it be to find someone to provide that care? How much will it cost?
Some people take their pets along on vacations – if you plan to do so, how will that limit your options for where you can stay and what you can do on your trip?
Lifespan Cost and Effort
In choosing a pet, it’s essential to be aware of their expected lifespan, so you can decide whether you want to commit to the cost and effort for that full time period.
In addition to the effort and costs above, what are some other things to consider? If you’re getting a dog, will there need to be a lot of upfront effort in obedience training? With any pet, as they get older, health issues may cause complications (e.g. incontinent cats, arthritic dogs who can no longer climb stairs.)
Consider vet costs, and how you’ll handle them. I will be honest with you that as much as I’m committed to caring for a pet as well as I can for its lifespan, when our betta fish was ailing, I was researching what I could do – articles talked about taking him to a vet. Buying a new betta costs $15 – I don’t know what a vet visit costs, but I chose instead to provide hospice care at home – keeping him as comfortable as I could for his final days.
For my dogs, of course I took them to the vet and provided all needed basic medical care. But had they developed a complex condition that would have taken thousands of dollars to treat, I would not have done so. If I had that money to spend on pet well-being, it would make more sense to me to donate to a local animal shelter or spay-neuter program which would benefit many more animals.
Your ethical stance on this may be different than mine, but you should think about what it is before you have a pet and before you face decisions about their medical care.
Annoyance Factor
Pets can have behaviors that are normal and natural for them but can be troublesome for humans. Before purchasing / adopting a pet, do some searching online to learn more or ask people you know who own that animal.
Some examples:
dogs bark – some breeds bark a lot more than others
cats jump on kitchen counters; cats mark – spraying urine on vertical surfaces
birds chirp and squawk – often early in the morning
rodents smell bad
although geckos are silent, the crickets that they eat chirp a lot (especially the big ones)
many popular pets (e.g. hamsters, mice, hedgehogs) are nocturnal animals which means they may be asleep all the hours that your child is awake, and may be squeaking, scratching and disruptive at night
fish tanks can get very overgrown with algae if you’re not careful.
There are options for mitigating each of these annoyances, but they are part of pet ownership to consider.
Another issue: are there pet allergies in the household? Allergies to cats and rodents are pretty common, and dog allergies are not unusual (though some dogs are hypo-allergenic.) If you’re not sure if there are allergies, try spending time with an animal before committing – for example, if you’re considering a rodent, perhaps you could offer to pet-sit a rodent for someone who is going on vacation – having it in your home for a week would help you know what you’re getting into.
Reward?
What are the best parts of owning any particular type of pet? Again, search online to learn more and ask people you know who own that type of pet.
Think about what reward you most want and what pet most fulfills that. Some examples:
something pretty / interesting / relaxing to look at in exchange for a fairly low level of care? Fish. Some reptiles. Some birds.
something more active but that is mostly confined to its cage? rodents, some reptiles
a manageable way for your child to practice responsibility? Fish, reptiles, some rodents.
something to cuddle? Some cats, most dogs, some rabbits.
something to get you out in the world and engaging with others? Dogs.
If you’re considering a cat, realize that they can have very different temperaments – some are social, some shy, some playful, some grumpy, some cuddly, some avoidant.
If you’re considering a dog, please realize that different breeds have very different traits – if you want a guard dog, or a dog that plays fetch, or a dog that lies to quietly snuggle, do your research to figure out what breeds match that. Don’t just pick based on appearances.
What’s Best for Your Family?
You can evaluate all the info above and take into account your own goals, limitations, and priorities and make the best decision for your family. I can share just a few examples from my experience.
Dogs
For the first 50+ years of my life, I owned at least one dog. I don’t at the moment. Because my past three dogs have each lived 15 – 17 years. That’s a lot of joy and love, and the dogs were a huge part of our family life and memories. But that was also a lot of dog walking, paying for boarding when vacationing, scooping poop, paying vet bills, not being out of the house for more than 8 or so hours at a time, and so on. It’s more than I’m willling to take on right now.
On the other hand, I know someone who has a dog who is a sweet but needy, anxious little dog who needs a lot from her. He worships the ground she walks on and is very sad when she’s away at work or elsewhere. She likes having him to care for because having to stay calm and reassuring for the dog helps to distract her from her own worries.
Rodents (and snakes)
When I was a young kid, we got 2 pet gerbils. One was sweet and cuddly. The other was mean and bit. To my memory, they were pretty good pets overall, until my brother’s friend took the mean one out of his cage and the gerbil bit him and the kid dropped it. I think it was a few days before we were able to find the gerbil in the pantry and get it back into the cage. (This is why you should have the rule of “you can only take the animal out of the cage when there is adult supervision.”)
In college, my room-mate had a corn snake, which was an easy room-mate. Quiet, non-obtrusive, easy to watch or easy to ignore. It only needed fed once a week – it ate pinkie mice. (Brand new baby mice, so young they didn’t have fur yet.) My room-mate wanted to save herself a trip to the store, so one week she bought two pinkies. The snake ate one, and was too full to eat the other. So the mouse just lived in the snake cage for a week… and it turns out that snakes are so stupid that once a mouse has been there for a while, they stop noticing it. So, I ended up taking pity on the terrified mouse and getting it out of the snake cage and getting a mouse cage and suddenly I had a pet mouse.
I had him for about six months. He was a little loud and stinky for an ideal dorm pet, and did need weekly cage cleanings. But it was manageable.
Reptiles
When my daughter was in middle school, she wanted a leopard gecko. (The gecko she got is shown in the picture above, where she’s shedding her outgrown skin.)
My daughter did all the research, took on all the responsibility and so on. The only thing I had to do was drive to the petstore every ten days to buy crickets. In general, the gecko was a very easy pet who provided some entertainment when you wanted it but didn’t care if were busy and paid no attention other than daily feedings.
I swear my daughter told me that the lifespan of a gecko was 3 to 7 years, and that’s what I thought I agreed to. She swears she told me 10 – 15. In the end, her gecko lived to 10. That means that when my daughter went off to college 1000 miles away, guess who took over care of the gecko? And what else did that mean? It means in the end, I drove to the petstore every 10 days for 10 years straight.
Fish
My daughter also had a betta fish for a few years. My youngest has had two betta fish – each lived for about 2.5 years. In that time, the effort was feeding it twice a day and cleaning the tank once a month. And going to the pet store for supplies a handful of times over those 5 years. For my son (who has ADHD), it was a manageable level of responsibility, and the family had the relaxing vibe of a fish and a snail hanging out in their aquarium on the counter.
What’s Best?
Were the dogs a more rewarding pet than the fish? Yes, of course, by far. But, at different times in the life of your family, you may make different tradeoffs between reward and effort. There’s no one right answer, but making an informed choice is important.
Learning More
Whatever pet you’re considering, it’s easy to do lots of online research to answer all the questions I’ve offered here. Do look at multiple sources, and be aware of their biases. (For example, a pet store that wants to sell you a pet and supplies may have a motivation to convince you that pet ownership is easy-peasy.)
Today, on Jbrary’s YouTube channel, I ran across a Douglas Fir song that they learned from KCLS. It’s to the tune of Aram Sam Sam*.
It seemed like a great way to remember some of the most common plants that we see on our preschool nature hikes in the Pacific Northwest, so I added another verse to it and motions.
A Douglas Fir, A Douglas Fir. A tiny little mushroom and a Douglas Fir. X2
Salal, and Sword Ferns. A tiny little mushroom and a Douglas Fir.
A Red Cedar, A Red Cedar. Some Oregon Grape and a Red Cedar. X2
Big Leaf Maple. Blackberries. Some Oregon Grape and a Red Cedar
For the gestures:
For Douglas Fir, raise your hands high above you with the palms together to help children remember that Dougs have very tall trunks and branches up high.
For “a tiny little mushroom” – if they’re standing up, they can squat down. If they’re sitting, use two fingers to show something that’s really tiny
Salal – touch your thumbs together and touch your index fingers together to make a salal leaf shape.
Sword Fern – pretend to wield a sword
For Red Cedar, spread your arms out to your sides, with the palms down to show the low branches of a red cedar.
For Oregon grape, use your fingers to draw a serrated leaf shape.
Big Leaf Maple, hold your hands up with the fingers spread to indicate the 5 points on a maple leaf.
Blackberries – pretend to eat berries!
For ukulele / guitar chords, I like F and C, but G and D can work too.
I made a set of 8 picture sheets to go with teaching the song, to show them what each plant looks like and how to recognize it.
* Aram Sam Sam is commonly sung in preschools and storytimes. It is said to be originally a song in Arabic from Morocco. What does it mean? Aram sam sam is just nonsense sounds. A rafiq is a friend or companion, and gulli gulli means tell me tell me.
Since it was first published in 1983, Ellyn Satter‘s Child of Mine (affiliate link) has been considered the leading book involving nutrition and feeding infants and children. Her “division of responsibility” concept can be summarized as: You are responsible for what, when, and where. What food you’ll offer, and when and where your child is allowed to eat. Your child is responsible for how much and whether to eat. A short way to say this is “parent provides, child decides.”
Recent trends in the field add the idea of “responsive feeding” especially with infants and toddlers who are not yet communicating clearly. (This handout from the AAP is a great overview.)
What is Responsive Feeding
Responsive feeding emphasizes the interactive nature of feeding. Parents set guidelines (decide what, when and where food is offered), then there is a respectful give-and-take, or serve-and-return, where 1) the child signals that they are hungry with movement, facial expressions or sounds, 2) the caregiver provides food and engages with the child to create a warm and caring environment which encourages eating, 3) the caregiver watches for signs that the child is full and helps wrap up mealtime.
Responding to your child’s cues communicates love and fosters a close relationship. You’re also preserving their inborn appetite regulation by providing food when they signal they are hungry and not pushing them to eat more when they signal they are full. This can lay a foundation for a lifelong habit of following cues and eating only when hungry rather than eating for emotional reasons, eating because they’re bored, or eating to be in the “clean plate club.” This may reduce obesity in their future.
Recognizing Hunger and Full Cues
Responsive feeding for an infant requires knowing how to recognize hunger cues (such as rooting, tongue thrusts, and sucking) and full cues (letting go, falling asleep, long pauses in sucking pattern.) I have a video you can watch to learn about Newborn Cues. For an older baby, eating solid foods, hunger cues may include leaning toward food, opening their mouth, focusing on and following food with their eyes. Full cues might include: spitting out food, pushing it away, closing their mouth when you offer food or turning their head away, being distracted, playing with the food.
When your child is around 9 months old, you can teach sign language basics like the signs for “milk”, “more” and “all done.” Toddlers can then communicate with those signs, and, of course, older children will learn to use words to tell you when they’re hungry and when they’re full. Especially if these are concepts you’ve been talking about and cues you’ve been responding to since birth. (Note: older children do sometimes mistakenly say they’re hungry when really they are bored or anxious or have some other needs.)
A few other tips for supporting responsive eating:
the feeding environment should be pleasant with few distractions (e.g. no TV)
the child is seated comfortably, facing others for interaction
foods are healthy, tasty, developmentally appropriate and offered on a predictable schedule when the child is likely to be healthy
don’t force a child to finish the food on their plate – forcing children to eat usually leads to eating less
don’t use food as a reward or a punishment – food is a basic need and shouldn’t be mixed up with discipline.
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