Category Archives: Your Family

Coping with Anger

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angerThis is part 3 of this week’s series on Parental Anger

No matter what we do to try to prevent it, there will be times when we are angry in front of our kids. We want to have some concrete strategies for how we can manage that anger so we don’t become a scary out-of-control parent. (Believe me, I don’t say that judgmentally – I’ve had my “scary mommy” moments – like one time when I was yelling at my son for spilling a drink (and really because I was stressed out by things that had nothing to do with him or the drink) and he was saying to me “You’re a bad, bad mommy.” Yes, I’ve been there…)

Come up with strategies that work for you. Here are some ideas.

  • Take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
  • Concentrate on counting to ten. Try not to say anything or do anything to your child before you reach 10.
  • Put your hands in your pockets. This helps you resist the urge to hit or physically threaten.
  • Or, shake the tension out of your hands.
  • Remind yourself that this isn’t an emergency or a crisis – you have time to calm yourself down. (I know many of my meltdowns happen when we’re running late to get somewhere, and in that moment I feel like I have no time at all to deal with something. But honestly, it’s better to spend 30 seconds calming down and then moving forward than spend several minutes melting down and dealing with the repercussions of that!)
  • Ask for a break / give yourself a timeout to calm down. Go to another room if possible.
  • Remember that you care for the person you are angry about, even if it’s hard to feel that in the moment.
  • Try to assess what’s really happening? Are you angry about the child? The situation? Something that is someone else’s fault? Or something that’s your responsibility?
  • Use I statements: “I am stressed because we’re running late. I need us to make a plan for how to find your shoes in the morning.” not “you always make us late. It’s your fault you can’t find your shoes.”
  • What do you want your child to learn from how you respond to this?
  • Things NOT to do: blame, shame, preach, moralize, ridicule, label, criticize the other person, bring up all their past transgressions, or use this one incident as a reason to say “you’ll always be ____” or “you’ll never be ______.”

See more Do’s and Don’ts at http://www.extension.umn.edu/family/Parents-Forever/resources-for-families/yourself/emotional-and-social/dos-and-donts-of-managing-anger/.

photo credit: try harder via photopin (license)

Preventing Parental Meltdowns

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calmThis is part 2 of this week’s series on Parental Anger

Every parent will have bad days – times when we’re overwhelmed and stressed, and find ourselves yelling at our kids. We want to do what we can to reduce these meltdowns. Regular readers of my blog may notice that some of these tips relate quite closely to my Tips for Taming Toddler Meltdowns, because we’re human beings just like our kids are, and we need some of the same basic stuff to be happy…

  • Eat, Sleep, and Be Well: Just as a toddler is more likely to melt down when hungry, tired, or sick, so are we. As much as possible, take care of your body.
  • Reduce Stress / Make Lifestyle Choices that Make it Easier to Be Happy: The more generalized stress we’re living with, the more likely we are to get upset easily and have a hard time calming ourselves down. Here are some ways to reduce stress
    • Make a list of people and situations you find stressful. Can you reduce your exposure to them? Can you make a plan for managing them? Can you ask someone to support you in dealing with those situations?
    • Take deep breaths, meditate, or visualize yourself in a peaceful place.
    • Move, dance, exercise, or go for a walk outdoors.
    • Make time for self care and for doing things that you enjoy.
  • Get support from others. Talking to others (especially other parents) can help!
  • Figure out your triggers: what are things that are likely to trigger your anger? What can you do to reduce your chance of encountering them? When one of your triggers is happening, it can even help to say to yourself “this is the kind of thing that really makes me mad… how can I manage my feelings in the next few minutes?”
  • Look for consistent patterns: If you’re yelling at the kids every morning before school, think about what you could change in the routine to help mornings go better. If you’re battling with your child over the same issue over and over, maybe it’s worth looking at it in detail when you’re calm, and deciding exactly what the rules are and what the consequences are for breaking them.
  • Heal your past: If you have unresolved issues in your emotional / family history, get support with processing them, so you don’t take that historical anger out on your kids.
  • Acknowledge present stresses: “Mommy is really overloaded with work right now and really worried about how she’ll get it all done. So, she may be acting angry more than usual. But it’s not your fault.” Or “I’m really in pain today, so I’m having a hard time being patient.”

Sometimes, despite your best efforts and intentions, you will melt down. You will get angry. Read on for tips on handling your anger in the moment.

photo credit: 湯河原町, 日本. Yugiwara Japan via photopin (license)

Parental Anger

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angryParents often ask: “Is it OK to be angry in front of my kids?” “Is it OK to be angry at my kids, or does that make me a bad parent?” “What if my partner and I get in a fight when the kids are in the room?” The reality is that there will be times you’re angry in your child’s presence, there will be times you’re angry at your child, and there will be times you fight with a family member when your child is around. Anger is a very basic human emotion, and we all feel it sometimes. (Click here for a post on your child’s anger and how to respond.)

When teaching your child emotional intelligence, I recommend that you say to them clearly that “Your emotions are always OK. Sometimes your behavior is not OK, so I will set limits on that when I need to. But I still love you even when you’re having big emotions and even when your behavior is bad.” We can set the same standards for ourselves as parents – all emotions are OK, but we want to handle them as maturely as we can in the moment, and repair things later when we don’t handle them well. Rather than trying to hold yourself up to an impossible standard of never getting angry, instead, accept that it will happen and make a plan for how you will manage the situation.

If our children see us get angry and then calm ourselves down, they learn many things: it’s normal to get angry, being angry doesn’t make you a bad person, being angry doesn’t have to mean losing control, and it is possible to calm yourself down from a big emotional meltdown.

This week, I’ll be doing a full series on parental anger. Tune in for

(If you’re a parent educator, who would like a one page printable handout on this topic, click here: Parental Anger.)

photo credit: Yelling Man via photopin (license)

Love Maps

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John Gottman, a prominent relationship researcher, says that successful couples have “Love Maps” of each other’s lives.

These couples have made plenty of cognitive room in their minds for their relationship. They remember the major events in each other’s histories, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change. They know each other’s goals in life, each other’s worries, each other’s hopes and dreams. Without such a love map, you can’t really know your partner. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them? (Source)

I think love maps are VERY powerful.

I know someone who says “Every time my mom calls me, she asks me about the weather. I would love it if someday she said ‘How’s work?’ or, even better ‘I know you’ve been frustrated by budget issues at work – is that getting better?'”

I know lots of parents of school age children whose standard question every day is “So, how was school?” Think how much more powerful these questions would be: “I know you were worried about your math test today – how did it go?” or “You and Chris have been having a great time playing ____ together. Did you have time to do that today?”

Read more about love maps:

http://www.gottmanblog.com/sound-relationship-house/2014/10/28/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps?rq=build%20love%20maps

Relationship Skills for Parents

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In every relationship – whether with our romantic partners, our children, our parents, our co-workers, or friends – we have good days and bad days. We can have more good days if we know and use effective relationship skills. Here are some I find most helpful, with links to find more details on whichever tools resonate most for you. (You can also find a summary of these in my Relationship Toolbox handout.)

Turning Toward your Partner (based on Gottman)

When someone wants to make a connection, they make “bids for affection.” These can be questions, invitations, non-verbal gestures, glances, or touch – anything that asks you to connect. When someone bids for your attention, there are three main categories of ways that you might respond.

Turn Toward: Act in a responsive, interested, positive, and loving way. Reach out, touch them, look at them, smile. Say “I hear you”, “I want to connect with you,” “I’m interested in you.” Ask a question.

Turn Away: Act in a way that ignores them, or dismisses their bid. Look away, wander away. Don’t respond verbally, or respond in a way that has nothing to do with what they said.

Turn Against: Act in an angry way that rejects them and their bid. Walk away, glare, make threatening movements. Use sarcasm or put-downs, roll your eyes. Do the opposite of what they asked you to do.

In the most successful relationships, partners have a 20:1 ratio. They have 20 positive bids and/or turning toward incidents for every one incident of turning against or away. Can you aim for at least 5:1?

Expressing Appreciation (inspired by Hendricks and Louden)

When juggling day-to-day responsibilities at work, home, and with children, we  we might start feeling disconnected and invisible, or drained and undervalued. One of the best ways to re-fill our tanks is by creating a “culture of appreciation”. Some ideas:

  • Always thank your partner for the things s/he has done. Even if they’re part of his/her “job.” It’s still nice to know that they are noticed and appreciated.
  • When asking your partner to do something, make it a real question (i.e. something they could say no to) not an order disguised as a question. Say please – and thank you.
  • Five minute writing. You each spend five full minutes listing everything you love about your partner – the big things and the little ones. Pour out all the appreciation you haven’t had time to share. Give your list to your partner.
  • Post-its: leave notes around the house, listing what you love about each other.

Speak your partner’s love language (Chapman)

In Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, he argues that different individuals have different “languages” they use to express love, and that we “hear” love best when it’s spoken in our language. Which one of these sounds most like how your partner hears love from you? Which describes how you hear love?

Physical Touch: Feels most loved when you touch: stroke their hair, hold hands, massage, rub their feet, hugging, kissing, sex. Feels most rejected when touch is missing (or if touch is used in anger).

Words of Affirmation: Encouragement and praise are vital. Being acknowledged for work, appreciated for who s/he is, validated for concerns, cheered on for efforts. Sensitive to criticism.

Acts of Service: Wants active support with household tasks, like laundry, washing dishes, running errands, making a to-do list together. Feels unsupported if you don’t pitch in.

Gifts: Loves any special little thing done just for him/her. A card, something special from the grocery store, pictures of the baby texted during the day. Will be especially upset if you forget a birthday, anniversary or other gift-giving occasion.

Quality Time: Wants your Presence – time together, spent talking and connecting, doing activities together. Feels unsupported if you’re off buying gifts or doing tasks instead of spending time together.

Discuss this with your partner. Are you right about what his/her language is? What does s/he think is your language? Sometimes couples discover that if one is feeling unloved, it’s not that their partner wasn’t trying to communicate love, it’s just that they were shouting a lot in the wrong language.

Spend Time with your Partner

Ideally, you will find a way to have a regular date night with your partner. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Just a chance to be together, really listen to each other, really see the other person, and remember why you chose to spend your lives together.

But beyond date night, think about ways that even a few minutes a day can make a big difference. In an article by Carolyn Pirak, she recommends making a commitment to spending 40 minutes a day to improve your relationship: When you separate, spend  two minutes saying goodbye. When you reunite, spend 20 minutes talking about your days. Take five minutes to express appreciation to each other. Devote 8 minutes to showing affection. Give five minutes a day to sharing dreams and planning ahead.

Make a plan for special time together this week. Each day, grab some sweet little moments together.

Conflict Resolution / Communicating needs

Many conflicts arise because one or both of you is not getting something that you need. You can start feeling like opponents on opposite sides of an issue or like competitors for scarce resources. Here’s how to start thinking like allies again, and being working things out.

  1. Identify what you need. Hint: if you often find yourself saying “You never do X” or “You always do Y” or “I never get to do Z,” there’s a hint in there somewhere.
  2. Communicate that need to your partner. Be clear, and specific. Use the “I” word – “I need this”, not the “You” word – “Here’s what you need to do.” Help them understand how you feel about this emotionally. “It makes me sad when…” “I feel overwhelmed when…”
  3. Ask for help meeting that need.
  4. Listen to your partner’s opinions and concerns.
  5. Ask your partner what s/he needs and work together to get that need met.

Next time you find yourself in conflict, try these ideas. Even better, try working preventatively. When you’re not in the heat of the moment, explore one areas of conflict, and see what you learn together.

Speak of “We” More than “Me.”

Couples who mostly talk about “we”, “us” and “our dreams” – versus “I”, “my plans,” “you” and “your problems” – tend to have healthier, happier, and longer relationships. Even when they are in conflict, they have lower blood pressure and lower heart rates than those who talk of “me.” Their facial expressions, tone of voice and body language were all more positive. “We” language helps to foster a sense of connection, interdependence, and shared values. It helps us think of each other as allies rather than adversaries.

Just changing your language reminds you of your partnership.

Here’s a printable handout covering this information on Key Relationship Skills.

Sources: Louden’s Couples Comfort Book, Hendricks’ Conscious Heart; Gottman’s Baby Makes Three.