This is part 3 of this week’s series on Parental Anger
No matter what we do to try to prevent it, there will be times when we are angry in front of our kids. We want to have some concrete strategies for how we can manage that anger so we don’t become a scary out-of-control parent. (Believe me, I don’t say that judgmentally – I’ve had my “scary mommy” moments – like one time when I was yelling at my son for spilling a drink (and really because I was stressed out by things that had nothing to do with him or the drink) and he was saying to me “You’re a bad, bad mommy.” Yes, I’ve been there…)
Come up with strategies that work for you. Here are some ideas.
Take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
Concentrate on counting to ten. Try not to say anything or do anything to your child before you reach 10.
Put your hands in your pockets. This helps you resist the urge to hit or physically threaten.
Or, shake the tension out of your hands.
Remind yourself that this isn’t an emergency or a crisis – you have time to calm yourself down. (I know many of my meltdowns happen when we’re running late to get somewhere, and in that moment I feel like I have no time at all to deal with something. But honestly, it’s better to spend 30 seconds calming down and then moving forward than spend several minutes melting down and dealing with the repercussions of that!)
Ask for a break / give yourself a timeout to calm down. Go to another room if possible.
Remember that you care for the person you are angry about, even if it’s hard to feel that in the moment.
Try to assess what’s really happening? Are you angry about the child? The situation? Something that is someone else’s fault? Or something that’s your responsibility?
Use I statements: “I am stressed because we’re running late. I need us to make a plan for how to find your shoes in the morning.” not “you always make us late. It’s your fault you can’t find your shoes.”
What do you want your child to learn from how you respond to this?
Things NOT to do: blame, shame, preach, moralize, ridicule, label, criticize the other person, bring up all their past transgressions, or use this one incident as a reason to say “you’ll always be ____” or “you’ll never be ______.”
This is part 2 of this week’s series on Parental Anger
Every parent will have bad days – times when we’re overwhelmed and stressed, and find ourselves yelling at our kids. We want to do what we can to reduce these meltdowns. Regular readers of my blog may notice that some of these tips relate quite closely to my Tips for Taming Toddler Meltdowns, because we’re human beings just like our kids are, and we need some of the same basic stuff to be happy…
Eat, Sleep, and Be Well: Just as a toddler is more likely to melt down when hungry, tired, or sick, so are we. As much as possible, take care of your body.
Reduce Stress / Make Lifestyle Choices that Make it Easier to Be Happy: The more generalized stress we’re living with, the more likely we are to get upset easily and have a hard time calming ourselves down. Here are some ways to reduce stress
Make a list of people and situations you find stressful. Can you reduce your exposure to them? Can you make a plan for managing them? Can you ask someone to support you in dealing with those situations?
Take deep breaths, meditate, or visualize yourself in a peaceful place.
Move, dance, exercise, or go for a walk outdoors.
Make time for self care and for doing things that you enjoy.
Get support from others. Talking to others (especially other parents) can help!
Figure out your triggers: what are things that are likely to trigger your anger? What can you do to reduce your chance of encountering them? When one of your triggers is happening, it can even help to say to yourself “this is the kind of thing that really makes me mad… how can I manage my feelings in the next few minutes?”
Look for consistent patterns: If you’re yelling at the kids every morning before school, think about what you could change in the routine to help mornings go better. If you’re battling with your child over the same issue over and over, maybe it’s worth looking at it in detail when you’re calm, and deciding exactly what the rules are and what the consequences are for breaking them.
Heal your past: If you have unresolved issues in your emotional / family history, get support with processing them, so you don’t take that historical anger out on your kids.
Acknowledge present stresses: “Mommy is really overloaded with work right now and really worried about how she’ll get it all done. So, she may be acting angry more than usual. But it’s not your fault.” Or “I’m really in pain today, so I’m having a hard time being patient.”
Sometimes, despite your best efforts and intentions, you will melt down. You will get angry. Read on for tips on handling your anger in the moment.
Parents often ask: “Is it OK to be angry in front of my kids?” “Is it OK to be angry at my kids, or does that make me a bad parent?” “What if my partner and I get in a fight when the kids are in the room?” The reality is that there will be times you’re angry in your child’s presence, there will be times you’re angry at your child, and there will be times you fight with a family member when your child is around. Anger is a very basic human emotion, and we all feel it sometimes. (Click here for a post on your child’s anger and how to respond.)
When teaching your child emotional intelligence, I recommend that you say to them clearly that “Your emotions are always OK. Sometimes your behavior is not OK, so I will set limits on that when I need to. But I still love you even when you’re having big emotions and even when your behavior is bad.” We can set the same standards for ourselves as parents – all emotions are OK, but we want to handle them as maturely as we can in the moment, and repair things later when we don’t handle them well. Rather than trying to hold yourself up to an impossible standard of never getting angry, instead, accept that it will happen and make a plan for how you will manage the situation.
If our children see us get angry and then calm ourselves down, they learn many things: it’s normal to get angry, being angry doesn’t make you a bad person, being angry doesn’t have to mean losing control, and it is possible to calm yourself down from a big emotional meltdown.
This week, I’ll be doing a full series on parental anger. Tune in for
ideas on how to prevent (or reduce) our anger blow-outs
Life with a toddler can be filled with giggles & glee in one moment and tantrums & tears in the next. Let’s look at the difference between tantrums and meltdowns, talk about why toddlers behave this way, and how you can manage these moments.
What’s the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown?
Tantrums and meltdowns may look and sound the same, but there are different motivations / reasons behind them, and understanding that can help you respond.
A tantrum is when a child needs or wants something they’re not getting. They throw a tantrum, yelling or hitting. They may partially lose control, but you may also see them pause a moment to see if they’re getting a reaction from you and then continue. They will stop tantrum-ing when they get what they want, or they realize that the tantrum isn’t working to get them what they want. (Note: Children younger than 18 months are not likely to be socially savvy enough to throw this manipulation style tantrum, so for them this behavior would almost always be a meltdown not a tantrum.)
A meltdown happens when a child is overloaded – there’s too much stimulation or they have too many big feelings, and they get overwhelmed so badly that they lose control and scream and cry. A meltdown won’t stop because you gave them what they wanted. It stops when the child is too worn out to continue, or they find a quieter place with less stimulation and can calm themselves down, or a grown-up helps them to calm down.
Siegel and Bryson talk about the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain. Bryson says “The upstairs brain… is the more evolved, rational, problem solving brain; whereas, the downstairs brain is more primitive and animal like. When our child is having an upstairs tantrum… they are being intentionally manipulative. They are in control and still make choices. If you give them what they want, they will be plenty happy and go on their way… The best response … is to not give in. … [In] A downstairs tantrum… they are flooded with emotion … like they are losing their mind … they really are not in control. They can’t make a choice anymore, even if you give them what they want, they will continue to lose it. In these moments, what they need most from us is comfort. Now, of course, we are not going to let them knock things off shelves or hurt other people. We may have to hold them and say, “You are not in control right now and I need to help you until you have more control.” In these moments, they need us to calm them down by giving lots of comfort.” (Source)
All children (and adults) can have meltdowns, but they’re especially common with neurodiverse folks, including autistic kids and people with anxiety or sensory processing issues. They’re extremely common for toddlers who just haven’t learned emotional regulation yet.
Triggers: Why do toddlers have tantrums and meltdowns?
Life can be hard for a toddler. They want lots of things they can’t have. And sometimes things happen that make them so sad, or so mad, or so scared that they are completely overwhelmed. Here are some of the reasons toddlers explode:
1. Rules: They want to do something that’s not allowed, and are angry that you’re blocking them. You might think your rule is reasonable, but here’s what they’re thinking: “I really want to hold those scissors! You were just using them. Why can’t I??”
2. Impossibilities: They want something that’s not possible, and can’t understand when you explain. From their perspective: “Last time I asked for crackers you gave me some. Now, you say you don’t have any crackers??”
3. Lack of control, lack of choices about where they go and what they do. “I was having a great time playing, and you suddenly carry me out the door??”
4. Frustration: They want to be able to do something, but they’re not yet capable of it. “YOU can put the puzzle together. But I try and I try, and it doesn’t work!!”
5. Can’t communicate: They want something but don’t have the words to tell you what it is. “When my big sister asks for something she gets it. When I ‘ask’, I don’t!!”
6. Separation and/or unfamiliar situations: Being away from familiar supports is hard. “I count on you for everything, and you’re not here!!”
7. Fears: The world can be a scary place when you’re small and don’t understand much! “That vacuum cleaner is really really loud. I’m afraid it will hurt me!!”
On a good day, when your child is rested and you’re calm, they may be able to handle any of these things. But when they’re tired, hungry, sick, cold, hot, or overstimulated, even little upsets become overwhelming. Or if you’re tired, hungry, or stressed, you may not notice their early cues and they may end up in a meltdown.
Preventing Meltdowns
Even if you were the perfect parent, and did absolutely everything right, there would still be times when your child would melt down!! But there are some ways that we can reduce the number of tantrums and meltdowns:
Meet physical needs: Your child is less likely to melt down if he is rested, fed, and comfortable.
Be aware of your child’s capacity for stimulation: Children all have a different threshold where they overload. Some children are particularly sensitive to noise, others to bright lights, others to crowds. When planning your child’s activities, think about how much they can manage at a time.
Be aware of triggers: Minimize things you know upset your child. (I am not suggesting you walk on eggshells, trying desperately to never upset your child! But, pick your battles. If something is important to your family or important for their development, then it’s necessary for them to adapt to it. So you do it and you coach them through. But, if it’s not necessary, maybe skip it.)
Set expectations: Tell them ahead of time what to expect, what behavior you’re expecting of them, and what the consequences will be if they can’t behave that way.
Give choices where you can. (But don’t offer choices in the middle of their screaming… if it’s a tantrum, giving choices will make them feel like they won; if it’s a meltdown, being asked to make choices is overwhelming!)
Set limits and follow them consistently: We don’t always give children what they want, and we don’t want them to think they’re the boss of the family. When you set limits, you will face the occasional tantrum, but over time – with consistent enforcement, the child learns and respects the family limits, and will have fewer tantrums than the child who never knows if or when a rule will be enforced.
Watch for early cues of an impending meltdown: Notice when your child is reaching the end of her rope. Let her know that you’ve noticed – that helps her learn to recognize it for herself. Try distraction or a change of scenery.
Talk about meltdowns when they’re NOT having one. Ask your child to let you know when they have one coming on. (Note: it will be a while before they’re capable of that!) Praise your child when they’ve done a good job of calming themselves down – we want to reinforce their efforts at self-regulation.
Talk about and model, positive ways to ask for what they want and to manage feelings. Use Emotion Coaching to build emotional IQ.
Anatomy of a Tantrum – What Research Shows
Researchers developed a “onesie” that parents in the study put on a toddler that would record for several hours, and possibly catch a meltdown. Then they analyzed the pattern of the tantrums. Sad sounds – whimpering and crying – are heard throughout the tantrum; and mixed in were peaks of yelling and screaming – angry sounds. Children tend to build up to a peak of anger quite quickly, then do something physical (throw things, throw themselves on the floor, hit), and then they collapse into sadness.
If parents asked a lot of questions, or tried to verbally reason with the child, it would prolong the tantrum. When a toddler is very angry, he can’t process language, and asking questions just pushes him into overload.
Researchers felt the research-based trick to end a tantrum is to get past the anger. If you think it’s a tantrum, ignore the child or respond with as few words as possible. If you think it’s a meltdown, stay nearby but don’t talk or touch a lot. When the child has released anger, what’s left is sadness, and they will seek comfort.
Don’t “over-respond”. Keep your response calm and low key. You don’t want to pay too much attention to the tantrum as you don’t want to reward the behavior.
Stay calm. A child in meltdown is overwhelmed by the strength of his own emotions, and needs you to model emotional stability to help re-ground him. Stay close by.
Don’t ask questions or try to talk the child down with a lot of words. If you need to talk to change your child’s behavior, or move her to a safer / more appropriate place, give very simple commands. If it’s a tantrum, calmly but clearly re-state the rules.
Don’t let your child hurt herself, or anyone else. Keep her from damaging possessions. At times, you may need to physically restrain her to keep things safe – it’s OK to firmly hold an upset child in a gentle and supportive way. Sometimes she will resist the hold for a bit, then shift from anger to sadness in your arms.
Once the meltdown blows over, calm and comfort. Name and validate the emotions they were feeling. Let them know that all feelings are OK. (But not all behavior is!)
Sometimes your child will calm down, but you will still be full of tension and stress from the experience! Think about self-care methods that help you release that tension and move on – a few deep breaths, a drink of water, taking a short break… Get support from other parents.
For older children (3 – 5 years), talk about the situation later that day when everyone is calm. Validate the emotions they were feeling at the time, but also discuss other ways they could have managed those emotions. Develop plans for how to handle similar situations in the future.
Here’s a handout that summarizes the information in this post: Taming Tantrums
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This is part 3 of this week’s series on Parental Anger
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