Tag Archives: Parenting

When/Then and If/Then

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Two useful discipline tools for parents are the “when / then” and the “if / then” statements.

When / Then

This statement basically says “when you do [this positive behavior], then you will get [this positive social reward].”

Some examples:

  • “When you’ve brushed your teeth, then we get to read a bedtime story.”
  • “When you finish cleaning up your Legos, then we get to play a game.”
  • “When you’re ready for school, then you can work on your drawing.”
  • “When you’re sitting down in your chair, then I will give you your dessert.”
  • “When you’re sitting in your car seat, then I will tell you a joke.”

The statement clearly explains to your child what you want them to do. (It also implies that you are totally expecting your child to do this positive thing, now that you’ve explained to them what’s expected.) And in return for doing it, they can expect to continue to have your loving, positive attention.

If / Then

Notice how different the tone is when you say: “If you do [this negative behavior], then you will get [this consequence.]”

  • “If you don’t brush  your teeth right now, then no bedtime story!”
  • “If you don’t put your Legos away, then you can’t play with them tomorrow.”
  • “If you’re not ready for school on time, then you can’t draw.”
  • “If you don’t sit down now, then no dessert tonight.”
  • “If you don’t sit in your car seat by yourself, I’m going to put you in there.”

These statements assume they are likely to do something wrong, and tells them that if they do, they will experience a negative consequence.

You don’t want to start here: First, assume the best of your child! Giving a “when / then” first gives them the best chance at making a positive choice and being rewarded for that.

If the when / then didn’t work, that’s when we turn to if / then.

Think about your tone when presenting these statements. These don’t need to come off as angry threats that sound like “If you don’t cut that out, you’re going to be in big trouble with me!!” They can just be matter of fact statements about the natural or logical consequences of their actions. You may even let your tone show that you’re a little disappointed that you won’t be able to do what you had hoped – that encourages them to try harder to win back that positive social reward from you.

  • “If you can’t finish getting ready for bed in the next five minutes, then we won’t be able to read a bedtime story, and that will make us both sad.”
  • “If you don’t sit in your car seat by yourself, then I will have to put you there and buckle you in. Then I can’t tell you the great joke I have saved up for today.”

Test these two tools out over the next few days, and see how it goes. Does your child respond better to one than the other? Which do you feel better about using?

Learn about lots of other tools for your Discipline Toolbox, including: the Attention Principle,  Substitution and Re-direction, and Natural Consequences.

 

[cartoon images from white-garden.blogspot.com, marked free to share and use]

Your Discipline Toolbox

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There are lots of different techniques for guiding children toward good behavior. Learning about discipline tools is like stocking your toolbox for home maintenance. If you have a good solid foundation, and you perform routine maintenance, you may not need to pull out your toolbox very often. But we all have  little repair jobs from time to time that require a basic, all-purpose tool, and some days we have really big issues that need specialized power tools to address, and sometimes we call in a professional to help. This post will orient you to all the tools in your toolbox, and help you figure out how to use the right tool for the right job, in the right way.

[Note: This post is intended as an overview… there are lots of links to more details on each technique. If you prefer video content, I also offer a video overview of the Discipline Toolbox.]

What is Discipline?

Discipline means guidance. It means being a good example, setting clear expectations for how we want our children to behave (not assuming that they know how), and setting clear limits on things they cannot do. And, when they do misbehave, we let them know what behavior was not OK, we remind them we still love them, and will tell them how to be better in the future. This style of discipline not only guides behavior, it also builds trust and respect between parent and child.

Building a Strong Foundation

All discipline is grounded in a positive relationship. Here’s some ways to build that foundation:

  • Play together—often!
  • Have snuggle time and special time and let them know you love them.
  • Listen to them—build a “Love Map” of what’s important to them.
  • Validate their emotions—their feelings are always OK. (Some behaviors are not.)
  • Be consistent and trustworthy.
  • Ask for respect from them and treat them with respect.
  • Teach how to be good: talk about values; model, coach, and praise good behavior.

Do Routine Maintenance

  • Take care of yourself. Get the support you need in order to have enough energy to be a calm, thoughtful parent.
  • Whenever possible, ensure your child is well fed and well rested.
  • Avoid overstimulation (it leads to meltdowns).
  • Spend time each day in kid-friendly environments where it’s easy for them to succeed.
  • Set expectations: warn of transitions, and explain what the plans are.
  • Create predictable routines & clear rules so they know what’s expected of them. Set appropriate limits on behavior. (Be sure that your expectations are developmentally appropriate.)

Tools to Improve Behavior

Sometimes there are situations where your child is not necessarily mis-behaving but they could be behaving better.  Here’s how  to move things in a positive direction:

  • Use the Attention Principle: pay attention to positive behavior you want to see more of.
  • Use When / Then. “When you do [positive behavior], then you get [something positive.]”
  • Create a Reward System. (Read more about praise and reward here.)
  • Create a Routine to address any chronic challenge in daily family life.
  • Clarify rules—your child may do something that they didn’t realize was wrong. You can explain what the problem is and how to avoid it in the future.

For example, if you are often running late to school in the morning because your child is reading or playing instead of getting dressed, you could set up a routine by writing down what the steps are that they need to do, saying “when you’ve done these steps, then you can read your book”, giving positive attention when they do well and giving them a reward at the end of the week if they’re on time every day.

Tools to Correct Minor Misbehavior

(Note: If your child is hurting someone or something, skip these ideas and escalate to the next level.)

As parents, a big part of our job is to help our children learn to be good people, as this helps them succeed in school, work, and in all of life. To do that, we need to set clear limits on what’s OK and what’s not OK. (Learn here about the authoritative parenting style, which balances high expectations for our children with high responsiveness to them as individuals.)

For example, if you’re trying to get dinner ready and your toddler is banging their sippy cup to get your attention, you might just ignore that. Or you substitute by trading the cup for a drum. If their milk spills, then you can let them experience the natural consequences by having them wipe up the milk, then giving them a cup of water to replace it. Or you could say “if you keep banging your milk, then I will take it away, and you can just have water.”

To Correct Major Misbehavior

These are your power tools. You’re not going to pull them out of the toolbox every day, but they’re there when you need them.

You might use them any time your child is hurting someone or something or is at risk of being hurt. You might also use them for non-compliance – if you used the tools in the category above (telling your child what TO DO, given clear commands, etc.) and they continue to intentionally disobey, then these tools kick in.

You may notice that I haven’t talked about one discipline tool: Physical Discipline, such as spanking. Many parents have discovered that, in the short term, spanking can be an effective way to get a child to stop doing something bad. In the long term, in the context of an otherwise loving relationship, it can turn out OK. However, it’s also quite possible that in the long-term, spanking can damage the relationship, or cause fear and anxiety in the child, or teach the child that anger and violence are the ways to get things done.

Spanking doesn’t teach a child much about why the behavior is bad and how they could do better. They may learn to avoid doing it when you’re around so they won’t get hit, but there’s no reason for them to avoid it when you’re not there, so they don’t gain self discipline skills. Read more on physical punishment and spanking here.

If the power tools aren’t working, seek peer advice, parent education, or professional support as needed.

Sometimes handling our child’s misbehavior can make us really angry. Look here for tips on “What if you’re angry at your child?“.

Move On

When misbehavior stops, or after a time out or a consequence is complete, then re-engage with your child, providing positive attention and praise for good behavior.

It’s especially important to do this if you lost your cool and got angry at your child. Read more about Resolution.

Self Discipline

Our goal for discipline, in the long-run, is to make ourselves obsolete. Our children need to learn to discipline themselves. We want to raise adults who are capable of controlling their impulsive behavior, capable of working hard for a delayed reward (or even no reward other than their satisfaction with a job well done), and who have such a strong internal sense of right and wrong that it guides their every action, and who do what’s right simply because they can’t imagine behaving differently. Read more on self-discipline and how to begin to teach it.

Handout

If you’d like a free, printable handout that summarizes all this information, just click here for the Discipline Toolbox in color or Discipline Toolbox,  Black and White.

Ignoring Annoying Behavior

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The second step on my discipline flow chart is to “pick your battles.” Ask yourself: Is their behavior really a big problem that needs serious consequences? Or is it just annoying? If it’s just annoying, just ignore it.

Let’s start with a few examples:

  • If you’re trying to get work done, and your child keeps coming over and whining about a snack, this is certainly annoying. But asking for food isn’t a discipline problem. You could just ignore the child until they ask politely, or you could give the child a hint: “it’s hard for me to understand you when you’re whining. If you used polite words and a nice voice,  I could hear you better.” Ignore them as long as they’re whining. As soon as you hear the polite request, respond to it.
  • If you’ve asked your child to pick up their toys, and they are doing so… but they’re stomping around and making faces while they do it, ignore the bad behavior, and turn your attention to what they’re doing well: “Thanks for getting all the Legos back in the tub.”
  • If your kids are squabbling in the backseat, instead of scolding for that behavior, just say “hey, I downloaded a great science podcast you’ll really like. When you’re ready to listen, I’ll turn it on.” Drive on, ignoring the bickering till they settle down, then turn on the podcast.

Your goal is to ignore the annoying behavior. As soon as you see positive behavior, focus on that. This ignoring method is a corollary to the attention principle. The more attention a child gets for a behavior, the more they will repeat it. So, play plenty of attention to positive behaviors. Ignore the ones you don’t want to reinforce. (Of course, if the bad behavior is significant, you’ll set limits and consequences… Ignoring is mostly for the things that are annoying little things, not the big stuff.)

All discipline is grounded in relationship.This technique does not work in a relationship where the child is often ignored or dismissed. But in a warm relationship where they regularly get attention for positive behavior, ignoring can be effective. It’s important to be clear that this ignoring is not intended as a rejection of your child, just of their current behavior, so it takes place in the context of a loving relationship.

Also, if your child is having strong feelings, don’t dismiss the emotions. Validate the emotions and turn attention toward the positive things they are doing to cope with them, but ignore annoying behaviors that result. For example, my son was begging for more screen time, and I said “I know you’re really sad about not being able to play more.” And “I see you’re looking through your books for something else to do.” But I didn’t acknowledge the repeated begging.

You can also teach your children to use their “ignoring muscles.” If their sibling or classmate is annoying them, they can ignore the other child. If they respond, the annoying behavior continues. If they don’t respond, the other child may give up.

When ignoring, you really want to be bland and poker faced and show no outward sign of noticing or caring about the bad behavior.  Don’t roll your eyes or sigh. Just think: If your daughter puts her fingers in her ears, turns her back and says “I’m ignoring you” and then turns back to make sure your son has noticed he’s being “ignored”, then he’s not really being ignored is he? He’s actually got all of her attention right now. It’s better to walk away and do something else as blandly as possible.

Test this method out, and comment to let me know what you think!

This is one of the many tools taught by the Incredible Years parenting program – check out their book for all the details!

Parenting as Justice Work

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A few days ago, my six-year-old had been playing a video game, and told me the characters said they wanted to make the world a better place. Then my son said “It seems like that’s what everyone is trying to do – everyone wants to make the world a better place.”

He said this a few days after the Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, VA. And I thought to myself “But the challenge is that some people’s view of what would be ‘better’ is very different from other people’s views.”

As we’ve seen this week, some people’s view of a better America is one where everyone is of European descent and where all others have “gone back to where they came from” or have “learned their place.” It’s a view based on hate / prejudice, or driven by fear, or a desire to protect those who are “like me” from those who are different.

My view is of a more just and equitable society, filled with diverse traditions and perspectives, where all members of the society have equal rights and equal protections. My view acknowledges that we are a long ways from that right now, as the marginalized members of our society who may most need the protections are instead the least likely to be well served by our institutions and policies.

What do I, as an individual, do to help work toward my view of a better world? How do I, as a parent, talk to my child about my vision of a better world? What do I, as a parent educator, say to the parents in my classes to encourage them to articulate their own view of a better world and to talk to their children about that? How do I, as a member of a faith community and other communities, work together with others to speak aloud our vision for a better world, knowing that the more voices are united, the more powerful the message is?

Talk about (and embrace) differences

I’ve written three posts in the past, which articulate many thoughts on these topics: Talking to Toddlers About Race; Teaching about Differences and Appreciation of Diversity;  Look Mom! That lady only has one leg! All of these address the fact that children notice differences! (As early as six months, children can classify faces by race and by gender. Source.) They also notice how we respond to them. So, when your preschooler shouts out “Look! That kid has a weird red spot on their cheek!” or “Is that a man or a woman?” or “Why is she wearing that weird robe that covers her all up?” or whatever… think about how to respond. If you “shushhhh” your child, you teach them that the thing they have observed is a shameful thing we don’t talk about in public. If you try to ignore the difference or say “but we’re all the same!” you confuse your child and miss a teaching opportunity.

Here’s another perspective:

“[Being “colorblind”] is not realistic. I’m an African-American woman. … When I walk into a room and I am the only black woman, it’s obvious. There’s no benefit in pretending. …  however, [we don’t] need to act awkward around each other. If we’ve embraced the fact that God has created us as equals, there’s no need or reason for that awkwardness. If someone who is culturally or ethnically different from you comes around, it is unrealistic, unhelpful and possibly unloving to pretend that you don’t notice. So, when your child says, “Mommy why is that woman wearing a dot on her forehead?” Instead of asking them to be quiet out of embarrassment, the colorsmart approach is to take that question as an opportunity to positively explain her different, unique culture. (source)

Here’s another thought:

“I’m going to teach my daughter the truth about race — that our brains are wired to notice looks first. … It’s okay to notice skin color. What’s not okay is to pretend color doesn’t exist. It’s the way you acknowledge color, and how you react, that makes you embrace race, hide from it, or run from it. … it’s [our] job to move beyond primal instinct in order to truly accept everyone — no matter what color or culture they may be. … Step out from behind the curtain of color-blindness, and embrace how not everyone is the same.”   (source)

Or, as one of my friends says to her five-year-old: “everyone’s different, and that’s awesome!”

And it’s not enough to say this with your words… your actions also matter. Children pick up and interpret subtle messages from their environment. So, if all the people you hang out with look and talk a lot like you, your child may interpret that they’re only supposed to hang around people who look and talk like them. (Source)

If we don’t talk about race , religion, abilities and other differences, then our child will come up with their own guesses and interpretations. It is better to talk about it openly so they know our views.

Talk about Inequities

As we talk about differences, and embrace differences, we may also naturally talk about equality – how in the United States, we are supposed to all have equal rights, equal protection, and equal responsibilities. I absolutely want to talk to my child about how things should be. But, I can’t leave it at that… I also have to talk about the fact that things in our country are not truly equal.

“If you tell your kid his entire life that all people, regardless of the color of their skin, are exactly the same, then when your white kid is a white grown up and he sees a disproportionate percentage of the people living in poverty have a different skin color than he does, he’s going to assume it’s because there’s something wrong with them. He will blame the people, not the flawed system. If we’re all the same, those people with brown skin can just work hard and be successful, right? …

By teaching your kids not to see color, you’re teaching them that the black men gunned down by white cops must have been criminals, they must’ve been bad guys, they must’ve deserved it.

By teaching your kids not to see color, you are teaching them that systemic racism does not exist… you are teaching them to be complicit in a culture of racism and fear.

Colorblind is not the answer. Skin color exists. Race exists. Racism exists. To ignore it and pretend it doesn’t is not just the wrong way, but is exacerbating the problem. Ignoring race, being colorblind, teaches kids that there’s nothing to talk about, nothing to discuss. White parents need to ENCOURAGE their kids to talk about race, ask questions, learn. Feed the discussion, not the ignorance.

Teach your kids to celebrate differences. Teach your kids that skin color IS important. Teach your kids that race exists, but bigotry shouldn’t. Teach them that our differences make us amazing. Don’t ignore, embrace.”  (Source)

Talk about Privilege

If I acknowledge that it is harder to be black, or Jewish, or gay in our society, I must also acknowledge that it is easier to be white, Christian, or straight. There is inherent privilege in these identities. “Privilege is the “up-side” of oppression and discrimination. It is about unearned advantage, which can also be described as exemption from discrimination.” Source

Privilege can be mis-interpreted.

“… privilege does not mean that their lives will be easy or that everything is “handed” to them. People tend to think of privilege in terms of super rich people who don’t have to work for anything. It’s hard to see that we are privileged when we are struggling to make ends meet. The fact is that privilege isn’t so much about what is handed to you, it’s about what isn’t even accessible to others. White privilege doesn’t mean that someone gives you a job for no reason, but it might mean that your resume is instantly taken more seriously because your name is John and not Jamal.” Source

I believe that I am a good person, and that I am smart, and that I work hard. So it is easy to believe that I have earned all the things I have in life. But I must also acknowledge that many things were easier for me to earn when I am white, 4th or 5th generation American, of Christian heritage, middle class, straight, cisgender, well-educated, and had a calm childhood with few things that could be considered adverse childhood experiences. (Read more about me and my identity here.)

What are some of the ways I’ve experienced privilege? In a classic essay on Unpacking the Privilege Knapsack, Peggy McIntosh lists some examples of the privileges I’ve experienced:

  • I can turn on the TV or open the paper, and see people of my race widely represented.
  • I can go shopping… mostly assured I will not be followed or harassed.
  • I can swear, or dress in second hand clothes, or not answer letters, without having people attribute these things to the bad morals, the poverty of the illiteracy of my race.
  • I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.
  • I can be pretty sure that if I ask to speak to “the person in charge”, I will be facing a person of my race.
  • I can be pretty sure that if I need medical or legal help, my race will not work against me.

My kids will also experience these benefits.

“A white kid growing up in a middle-class family an hour outside Seattle like my kids can work hard and become anything they want to be. A black kid growing up in a poor family in Baltimore could work just as hard as my white kids and not end up in the same place. Do some of those kids “beat the odds” and become super successful? Absolutely. But the fact that there are “odds” to beat is exactly the point of white privilege.” Source

So, what can I do? I’m still going to encourage my kids to be good people and to work hard. When they succeed at something, I’ll still celebrate and tell them they earned it. But when they earn access to some option just because of their privileged status, I will also point that out to them. I’ll ask them to question whether everyone truly had equal access. I’ll ask them to notice when other people do not have the same access as they do, and to question why that is the case.

Use Your Privilege

“Privilege means that you owe a debt. You were born with [privilege]. You didn’t ask for it. And you didn’t pay for it either. No one is blaming you for having it. You are lovely, human, and amazing. Being a citizen of a society requires work from everyone within that society. It is up to you whether you choose to acknowledge the work that is yours to do. It is up to you whether you choose to pay this debt and how you choose to do so.”  Source

That might mean speaking up for a person who is being poorly treated at a business due to their marginalized status, or it might mean speaking at a town hall where your voice may be heard better than the voices of those who are often silenced, it might be standing up for someone who is being bullied, or walking alongside marginalized people as they rally for their rights.  There are lots of things we can do as individual adults, and as our kids see us taking action, they learn from our example what our values are.

We can also encourage our children to use their privileges. A mother of a black son (who will transition from “an adorable black boy to a strong black man”) writes:

“We talk to our son about safety issues. We talk to him about being respectful of police (and anyone in authority), about keeping his hands where they are visible, about not wearing his hood up over his face or sneaking through the neighbor’s backyard during hide-and-seek or when taking a shortcut home from school. … Some people are going to see him as a “thug” before they ever know his name, his story, his gifts and talents.” Source

I’ve got an adorable white boy, who’s likely to transition to a scrawny geeky white man. I don’t have to have these same conversations with him. But I can talk to him about racism (and other -isms) and help him understand how to use his privilege to protect others. As the mother of the black son writes:

“So white parents, please talk to your kids about racism. If they see my son being bullied or called racist names, they need to stand with him. They need to understand how threatening that is and not just something to be laughed off. If your child is with my child playing soccer at the park and the police drive by, tell your child to stay—just stay right there with my son. Be a witness. In that situation, be extra polite, extra respectful. Don’t run and don’t leave my son by himself. If they are with my son, this is not the time to try out any new risky behaviors. Whatever trouble they get into, he will likely not be judged by the same standard you are. Be understanding that he can’t make the same mistakes you can.

Be conscious of what media messages your kids are getting about race. Engage in tough conversations about what you’re hearing in the news. Don’t shy away from this just because you can. He can’t. We can’t. I have hope that when white parents start talking about these issues with our white kids, that’s when change starts.” Source

When do we start?

We start talking about differences as early as our kids start noticing them. That’s as young as 6 months for race and gender! They start to crystallize beliefs about group identities as by the time they reach preschool. (Source) We can help to shape their initial attitudes on all these things, but not if we don’t start talking about it till they’re 6 or 7 years old. That’s too late to start.

So, from very early on, do step 1: talk about (and embrace) differences.

The other steps are more sophisticated, and require a more advanced cognitive level to understand. As rough estimates: when your kids start talking about what’s fair and what’s unfair is a good time to start talking about equality and step 2 – talking about inequities. This would typically be around age 4 – 6. You can talk about recognizing and using privilege as they get into later elementary school, or before then if you note that they are starting to make assumptions about “____ got that because he deserved it and ____ didn’t get it because she’s not good enough” or any other judgments that imply a developing bias.

Resources for learning more:

To learn more about these topics, click on any of the links above to find lots of great articles.

Also check out resources from the Southern Poverty Law Center. For adults, Ten Ways to Fight Hate. For kids (and educators), the resources on Teaching Tolerance.

Look Mom! That lady only has one leg!

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1 leg

I’m an amputee. I had cancer over 40 years ago when I was a teenager, and my right leg was amputated. I use crutches to move through the world. Being an amputee is not a subtle handicap – it’s one you can see easily from 100 feet away. So every place I go where there are children, a child will point and exclaim. “Look, that lady only has one leg!!”

It is fine with me!! Really. This is nothing new to me – it’s just the way my body is. (Plus I am a kids’ science teacher – I thinks it’s great when children notice interesting things about their world!)

I overhear parents respond to their children. Helpful and positive responses include: “Yes, you’re right, she has one leg.” “Yes, you’ve noticed that she’s different from other people you know. But she’s hiking on the trail just like we are.” “What are those sticks? They’re crutches, they help her walk.” “Yes, she has one leg and uses crutches to walk. You and I have two legs that we walk on.” “Yes, there’s all kinds of people in the world, including some with one leg.” “That’s interesting, isn’t it. Let’s talk about it later.” “I don’t know why she only has one leg. It may have been an accident or she may have been born that way.”

On the other hand, I overhear other parents respond in ways that are not as helpful. It makes me sad when I hear things like “Shh… don’t say anything.” “That’s not nice.” Or “hush – let’s cross the street.”

When you respond this way, you are inadvertently teaching your child is that being handicapped is a bad thing. A shameful thing which we don’t talk about in public. You have implied that disability is something we should all feel bad about and that it’s better not to think about it.

And you’ve also discouraged your child from being curious and making observations about the world around them.

Children notice differences. It’s part of what they need to do to learn about their world: Identify similarities and differences in the things they see around them. They are constantly constructing their own definitions of things, including all the ways in which people’s appearance can vary. Whatever the “difference” is that your child is noticing, whether commenting on someone’s physical disability, skin color, tattoos, clothing, weight, hair, developmental disability, or whatever, think about how to respond.

I try to respond in a way that 1) honors the personhood of whoever we are talking about; 2) acknowledges the difference the child noticed, 3) gives them appropriate language for describing it, and 4) finds some commonality between my child and the other person.

Once, on our way into the library, my then 5 year old son said very loudly – “that man is really fat!” I quietly said to him “Yes, people come in all shapes and sizes.” Then I observed: “He’s on his way into the library just like we are. Looks like you both love to read.” Later on, I had a conversation with my son about it. I explained that although we as a family do not believe that it is bad if someone is heavy, other people in our society do. So, saying loudly that someone is fat might feel like an insult to them, and might hurt their feelings. I encouraged him in the future to make observations like that more quietly, or save them to ask me later.

What if your child asks them a question?

Sometimes your child just walks right up to someone and blurts out a question about the difference they have noticed. I never mind that. But some people are very uncomfortable being asked questions about differences, and some people are just exhausted by being asked the same question over and over and always having to step up and answer it. (There’s a great children’s book on this called What Happened to You by James Catchpole where a child with one leg gets tired of being asked about it when he’d rather just play on the playground.)

If your child has already asked the question, you just have to do your best in the moment. If they asked me, you would notice that I might smile at your child and look open and approachable, so you could step back and let me answer the question. If the person looks uncomfortable, you could briefly apologize to that person, and then say to your child as you walk away something like “when you have questions about things, you can always ask me – you noticed something about that person that was different than what you’re familiar with. I can explain it to you.”

Read more about how to talk to young children about differences.