Tag Archives: Parenting

child drawing

Prepping for Preschool

child drawing
credit: photo by Erika Fletcher, Unsplash

When children are about to start preschool, parents may worry about how their child will adapt. Here are steps you can take to ease the transition.

Prepare Yourself

If you are anxious, your child will pick up on that, and they’ll be anxious too. So, before you start talking to them about preschool, do whatever you need to do to build your own confidence about it. Get support from others if needed. If your child does notice your anxiety, calmly say “I’m feeling worried now just because this is something new – here’s what I’m doing to remind myself it will be OK.”

Planning for Success

If you’re still trying to choose a preschool, think about what kinds of settings and routines work best for your child, and if possible, choose a program that matches their needs and interests. For example, while some children are ready for full day preschool five days a week, that can be overwhelming for some children. If your child gets overstimulated quickly with social activities, consider starting small with a program that meets only a few hours a week, and gradually build up to more, or consider a cooperative preschool where they can stay with their child in the new setting to help make the transition easier.

Teach Skills

In the weeks or months before starting preschool, here are some skills to work on with your child:

  • Teach self-help skills. It’s hard on a child if they have to wait for a teacher to help them put on their coat for outside time or wait for help getting their lunch containers open.
    • Help them learn how to put on their shoes, put on and take off their coat and put things in a backpack.
    • Help them learn how to open their string cheese or yogurt containers by themselves.
    • Teach toileting, handwashing skills, and also practice how to use hand sanitizer.
    • Make sure they know to cover their cough by coughing (or sneezing) into their elbow, and they know how to blow their nose and throw the tissue away.
  • Teach social skills: how to make friends, how to invite someone to play with you, how to ask to play with a toy someone else is using, taking turns, and so on. Set up playdates to practice skills.
  • Create routines. What routines can you establish at home to make it easier to get moving in the morning? If you’ll need to be up earlier than you’re used to, can you adjust bedtime? Learn about school routines and use similar practices at home. (e.g. wash hands before snack time.) If your child will use new tools – like a lunchbox or water bottle – get them early and practice.

Read Books / Watch Shows

One of the best ways to introduce the idea of preschool (before even talking to your child about the fact that they will be going to one) is to watch shows or read books about preschool and about starting school. (Here are my recommended picture books about preschool.) Choose ones with a positive approach. (If your child is NOT feeling anxious, don’t choose books that talk about how worried a child might be… that can actually introduce anxiety!)

Preparing them for Preschool

  • Talk about what to expect at their school. Visit the school if possible. Or look at pictures or a video tour, visit the outside of the building and walk around. Show your child pictures of the teacher. Get some materials like they’ll have in the classroom and practice using them at home.
  • Teach and practice how to interact with a teacher. Explain that the teacher is there to help them and take care of them. Explain that the teacher is in charge. Teach how to get a teacher’s attention (raise your hand, touch their arm) and how to ask for help. Teach that sometimes they have to wait for a grown-up to be available to help. Play listening games (Simon Says, Red Light Green Light, or Copy this Rhythm).
  • Pretend play. Pretend to be going to school – who will play the parent? The child? The teacher? Play at things like: waiting in line (with stuffed animals), doing circle time, taking turns, raising hands, asking the teacher for help, saying goodbye at drop-off time.
  • Set clear expectations about your role at preschool. If you will be dropping them off and leaving, talk about how the drop-off will go, what you will do while they’re at school, and when you will pick them up. Create rituals for drop-off and pick-up time. Reassure them that although this may be a new experience, and they may feel a little worried, you are confident that they will be OK.

When Classes Begin

  • Don’t make too big a deal of the first day. That anticipation and excitement can turn into anxiety. (No big photo sessions!)
  • Don’t introduce all new clothes and shoes and backpack on the first day. Let them wear familiar and comfortable items. Pack their favorite foods and pack the exact same lunch for the first several days so they know exactly what to expect. Ask your school’s policy about “transitional objects” – having a toy from home might help them adjust to all the new things around them.
  • Allow extra time to get there – you want time to relax beforehand and remind your child what to expect. (Note: this is especially true if you have a child you think of as shy – I call them “slow to warm up.” These children do best when they can arrive a little early, before most of the other children, and settle in. They don’t do well running in frantic and late to a full and busy classroom.)
  • Build a relationship with the teacher(s), other kids, and other parents. When your child sees that you feel comfortable interacting with them all, they will feel comfortable too.
  • When it’s time to leave, keep your goodbyes brief and radiate confidence that they will be OK. DO say goodbye – don’t try to sneak out when they’re not looking. Tell them what they will be doing while you’re gone, and when you’ll return. (Be sure to honor that promise.)
  • Make your goodbye ritual simple and sweet. Make sure your child is either settled into an activity or knows that to do next, or hand them off to an adult for care so that when you walk out the door, your child has something else they’re focused on other than the sight of you leaving them behind.
  • Lots of children have moments of separation anxiety at first, and may be sad or crying when it’s time for you to go. Resist the rescue. Be caring and validate their feelings but stick to the plan and leave. Trust the teachers to be the professionals they are and manage common challenges of separation anxiety. Typically a child who cries at drop off will cry only briefly and soon calm down.
  • After class, give your child a chance to debrief and talk about how the day went.

Handling the Challenges

Even if you “do everything right”, your child may have bad days, with separation anxiety, biting or hitting, not sitting still for story time or other challenging behaviors. That’s developmentally normal!

Some things that help: if your child is having big feelings, acknowledge them, don’t just try to distract them away. Regression is normal – for example, a child who was potty trained may have accidents. Don’t punish or shame, just acknowledge the issue and say “let’s try to do better tomorrow.” If your child is really clingy, maybe they just need more snuggling for a while – soothe and reassure them.

Children who know they are loved try hard to be good. If they’re misbehaving, ask yourself – is there a skill or support they’re lacking? If so, help them build it. Ask yourself: could they have an underlying need that is driving the misbehavior? If so, meeting that need may resolve the issue. Be patient and remember that any challenges are just a phase. Just keep doing your best every day and encourage them to do their best, and you’ll make your way through to the other side of this big life step.

Note: if you’re in the Seattle area and looking for a great part-time preschool option, check out the co-op preschools offered by our local colleges’ parent education programs. I teach at Eastgate Co-op in Bellevue.

A Case of the I-don’t-wanna’s

Yesterday, my whole day, I was in a mood. The “I don’t want to do that” mood. And in response to everything! Not just work and housework, but for everything I thought of doing, my response was the same. Play ukulele, which I always enjoy? I don’t wanna. Have dinner in the park with friends on a lovely day? I don’t wanna. Go to the family camp that I LOVE next week? I don’t wanna.

This is SO not my usual approach to life.

So, where was it coming from? I think it’s worth exploring, because it gives me insight into my own self care (and perhaps may contain ideas for other busy working parents) but also, because sometimes our kids have a case of the “I don’t wanna’s”, and it’s exhausting – not just trying to force them to get their chores done, but also trying to talk them into doing things we know that they enjoy and having them refuse.

So, what sank me into a “winter of discontent” on a beautiful sunny day?

  • Not enough sleep. Two nights before I’d had to stay up late to complete some work and get up early. That morning I’d awoken at 5:45 on a day I didn’t need to get up till 7, and no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get back to sleep. So I think part of it was just being tired.
  • Too many demands. I just have a lot going on this summer, and every time I finish one project instead of getting a break, I have to jump straight into the next one, and I know yet another project is waiting in the wings needing my urgent attention. I want to be clear that I like doing all these things… they’re all projects I would enjoy… it’s just the non-stop nature of them at the moment that is dragging me down.
  • Not enough down time. Our brains, our bodies, and our souls need a break from time to time. A time to putter around the house, or lay in the hammock, or walk to the park, and rest our thoughts. I think especially in the summer, as it feels like everyone else is taking time off, it’s even more of a drag to feel like you don’t get any breaks.

So, I need to: prioritize sleep till my body catches back up, take on fewer commitments or maybe find ways to “lower my standards” on the projects to get them to the “good enough” point instead of the perfect point, and give myself permission to take some down time when I can.

What does this tell us about when our child is having a case of the “I don’t wanna’s”? It’s likely a good time to reflect on:

  • Are they getting enough rest? (Learn more about the sleep needs of young children and bedtime routines)
  • Are there too many demands on them? When I say demands, you might just think of chores, or when you ask them to do things they don’t want to do. But honestly, even fun things can place demands on their energy… going to a movie or a restaurant they love requires them to be on their best behavior – controlling your impulses as a young child is hard work. (For kids who really struggle with impulse control, it’s especially challenging.) Playing with friends is fun, but it’s also demanding as you have to keep negotiating social rules, waiting for your turn, being patient and forgiving when other kids aren’t at their best. (For a more introverted child, the social time can especially take a lot of energy.)
  • Are they getting enough downtime when they’re just left to their own devices and allowed to just putter around and “waste time” doing whatever they want to do? Parents often feel pressured to enterain and educate their child at all times. That’s actually too much for your child’s brain to take! For brain development, we need three things: novelty (new ideas and experiences), repetition (the chance to do something again and again to deepen your understanding and mastery) and down time to process it all. So, when they’re “doing nothing”, what they’re really doing is growing their brain!

Learning Parenting Skills from Bluey

TL/DR: Season 3 of Bluey became available on Disney Plus on July 12. If you have young children, watch this show! Your kids will love it, and the characters are excellent role models of loving, positive parents.

Bluey is an Australian children’s show that airs on Disney Plus. It features Bluey (a dog – Australian Blue Heeler), her little sister Bingo, Dad and Mum (Bandit and Chili). The show is simple – just reflecting the everyday life of this little family, and the ways that the parents and children interact. It is aimed at preschool age children, and they love it. Surprisingly, so do adults!

I listen to a podcast called the Filmcast. Hosts Jeff Cannata and Devindra Hardawar often rave about Bluey. Jeff has said “watching this show has made me a better parent.” (Brian Walsh agrees.) Even after hearing these recommendations, I didn’t watch it, because my youngest child is 12 – outside the Bluey target audience.

Then I read something about an episode (“The Show”) that indicates that Chili had experienced a miscarriage before Bluey was born. (There are also hints in an episode called the Bedroom, and infertility is reflected in the episode Onesies.) Bingo and Bluey are doing a silly show, acting out how their parents met and fell in love, and Bingo has a balloon under her shirt to act out Chill’s pregnancy. The balloon pops. The camera goes to Bandit and Chili who grab for each others’ hands with pained expressions. That’s all there is… a scene that may go over children’s heads, but has connected with and been meaningful for parents who have experienced a loss to see their story reflected. Michael Vaughn, a father of a Bluey Fan, said on TikTok: “One area where Bluey excels is making parents feel seen when they’re struggling.”

So, my family gave the show a try. My 12 year old likes it, but has other higher priorities for his screen time. On the other hand, my husband loves it. Bluey’s 8-minute episodes have become his go-to for “I’ve had a long day, and just need to do a little something relaxing before bed.” He’s not the only adult who feels this way, according to this WaPo article.

Why Many Adults Love Bluey

Bluey has a huge adult fan base, and these fans on Reddit explain why. Here I’ll just share a few that are about parenting and learning how to interact with children, but there are MANY reasons to love the show:

  • “I had no idea how to interact with kids prior to watching this show. But after watching Bluey, I could easily play games with my nephew…. We played keepy uppy but we also invented new games… And I had fun doing it.”
  • “I want to watch Bingo and Bluey have a beautiful childhood with great memories of their parents. It’s a way of healing my inner child. … AND if it helps us parent better, we are healing generational trauma, too.”
  • “Bandit is dad goals”
  • “Because you as a parent can relate 100% to every episode.”
  • “I’ve always been afraid of not being a good parent… The show has made me reevaluate being childfree. I just never thought about gentle parenting and seeing other people’s experience with it makes me think I could do it some day!”

This thread covers some of the moments that parents found most relatable:

  • “When Bandit buggers up the cake and just flops down onto the floor. He’s torn between bursting into tears and an almighty swearing fit, but at the same time … needing to continue being a positive role model.” “I feel so seen in that moment.
  • “Any time the kids go ‘Lets play______’ and Bandit says ‘oh no not ______'”
  • “when Bandit says he isn’t the best dad. I have those moments with my children … “
  • “Mum School! The end, when Bluey asks, ‘did I fail mum school?’ And Chili replies, ‘yeah. Ya did. That’s ok. We all fail mum school sometimes. We’ll just try again tomorrow.’ Never have I felt more validated as a mum. “

Parenting Lessons

Here are just some of the takeaways people have from watching Bluey. Clilck through to all the articles to read more.

Romper references specific episodes and what they learned:

  • Pool – always be prepared. (It takes effort to pack up all the stuff, but you’ll have more fun it you do.)
  • Bike – Let kids know it’s OK to fail.
  • Sticky Gecko – Kids move slowly – in their own time.
  • Copycat – We all grieve in our own way.
  • Baby Race – Don’t compare your child to other children or yourself to other parents. Just do the best you can do.

Bounty Parents shares these takeaways:

  • “Play is the powerhouse of child development… Bandit and Chilli are masters at maintaining connection with their daughters, squeezing precious moments of play between work and household tasks… playfulness is clearly beneficial for them as well.”
  • “Be the parent you want to be, even when you don’t feel like it… Bandit and Chilli frequently give a sigh and a skywards glance before playing yet another game… yet, being a fun and playful parent is clearly a core value for both of them. So they jump right in regardless.”
  • “Bandit and Chilli aren’t afraid to allow them experience the  consequences of their own actions… so children are learning a genuine and useful life lesson.”

Work. Play. Mommy. shares these lessons:

  • “I’m not alone. The creators of Bluey send subtle messages of understanding: messy cars, laundry on the floor, meal planning, convincing kids to eat.  Bluey taught me that I am not alone in these little parenting struggles.”
  • “Bluey helps me talk to my kids about some hard and complex subjects.  Bluey taught me to have some of these difficult conversations about feelings, loss, and even disappointment in words and scenarios that my children understand.”
  • “If you have ever watched Bluey, then you might have inwardly chastised yourself about not being quite as fun as Bandit, Bluey’s dad…. [But] Chili is the voice of reason in the father’s endless shenanigans.  She regularly tells Bluey and Bingo to comply with certain rules…. Chili even lets the girls know that she can’t stay to play when she needs to go to work… Chili reminded me that it is ok to be a mom who is not always fun.” (see also: “Bluey’s Mom Gives Me Permission to be an Introverted Parent.”)

Challenge Community learned to: get back to the basics, be present, say yes, be an active part of your child’s imagination, and unstructured play is important.

Love to Know shares these lessons, again listing episodes that encapsulate the lesson:

  • Takeaway: Childhood only happens once – let kids be kids.
  • Sheepdog: sometimes parents needs 20 minutes to themselves.
  • Bin Night and Omelette: step back and let your child do things themselves.
  • Library, Perfect, and Mini Bingo – our words and actions shape how our children see themselves.
  • We can tell our kids parenting isn’t easy and parents are far from perfect. … Bluey’s parents are upfront about their mistakes and uncertainties.

What I like about Bluey: it feels very realistic in the way it represents life with two young children. Yes, the parents are great in many ways, but they’re not perfect. They love their children dearly, and their children exhaust them at times. I do think it models parenting skills really well, and I encourage parents to check it out.

And the thing Bluey is best at? Modeling how to play with your child.

Playing the Games from Bluey

Several websites have listed out the games found in Bluey: the official website lists 10, Fatherly lists 19. Dad Fixes Everything has 21, and Bluey Wiki has them all. Here are a few to get you started.

  • When you just want to lie down: Hospital. You’re the patient – they examine, diagnose, and treat you. Or Pet Feet. While you lie in bed, they pretend your feet are pets and take care of them.
  • When you’ve got one balloon and need to keep kids busy for a while: Keepy Uppy. Don’t let the balloon hit the ground.
  • On a sunny day in the park: Shadowlands – you can only step where there is a shadow.
  • To teach musical notes: Magic Xylophone – when you play the right note, everyone freezes.
  • To motivate them to do work: The Claw. If they help with a task, they earn coins. You play a claw machine – sit with a collection of toys – they “insert” a coin, and use a joystick (any stick you hold in your hand) to direct the claw (your other hand) to pick up a toy.
  • To teach close observation skills. Fairies. They close their eyes, the “fairy” hides little objects around a room. They find them.
  • If you have an exercise ball: Raiders. Set up an obstacle course to get to a treasure, and then when they reach it, roll the ball at them.
  • When you want to talk to other grown-ups: Boomerang. You pretend to throw your child – they spin out and away, and eventually come back and you throw them again. You could also do ping-pong and bounce a child back and forth between you and another grown-up.
  • After Dark: Torch Mouse (aka Flashlight Mouse). They pretend to be a cat and try to catch the flashlight beam or laser pointer.
  • Fruitbat – pretend to fall asleep reading a bedtime story.
  • Favorite Thing: At the end of the day, each person takes turns sharing their favorite thing of the day.

Tip: the Bluey website has some fun crafts – some your kids can do and some for you (how to crochet a Grannies costume!)

More Resources:

If you want to learn more about parenting young kids, that’s what this site is all about! To get you started, here are a couple posts on topics mentioned above: Consequences, Play-Based Learning, It’s OK to make Mistakes, and Talking to Your Child about Hard Topics.

Evaluating Parent Advice

As a parent of a young child, you may be actively seeking parenting advice – looking at books and blogs, listening to podcasts or searching on YouTube at midnight or taking parenting classes. Or even if you didn’t seek out advice, it comes to you in the form of unsolicited comments from people at the grocery store, your friends, or your own parents.

It can be overwhelming, especially when the advice is conflicting. When one person say “you always have to do X” and someone else says “you should never do X because…”

I’ve always said that if you get ten pieces of parenting advice, you’ll eliminate one or two right off because you think “whoo, that sounds like a ton of work! I just don’t have the time / energy / money for that.” You might hear one that you think “oh, that just doesn’t seem smart / safe…” But that still leaves a bunch of ideas that seem do-able but you’re not sure which to try first.

Here are some questions to get you thinking critically about the advice you hear, and figuring out whether the advice is a good fit for your family at this time:

What is the source of the information:

  • What is their training? Professional experience?
  • Have they had their own children? Have they worked directly with lots of babies in day-to-day life (i.e. not just in a clinic setting)?
  • Is the advice based on research? (Do they cite their sources?) Or is it based on real-world experience? Or a combination of the two?
  • What is their motivation for sharing this advice – will they profit or benefit in some way if you take that advice? (For example, do they say the only way to solve a problem is to buy their product?)
  • Do they share some of your social identities (e.g. race, religion, sexuality, class) or are they speaking from a very different life history?

Is it relevant?

  • Does the advice apply to your child’s current age / developmental stage?
  • Does the information fit (or can it be adapted) to your lifestyle, economic means, work patterns and other practical considerations?
  • Does the advice align with your cultural values or religious practices?
  • How does the advice make you feel?

    • Is it it respectful – do you feel that the author / speaker respects that you have your own wisdom or do you feel that they’re talking down to / patronizing you?
    • Is it fear-based? Lots of people trying to sell parents something (whether that’s a product, a service, or just their ideas) use fear as the motivator – “if you don’t do X, then your child will never _____.” (FYI, children are remarkably resilient, and there are few things which are actually this critical.)
    • Or does it over promise? “If you do this, we guarantee your child will sleep through the night and will never throw a tantrum again.” (Nothing is that magical!)
    • Does it feel do-able – you can imagine actually doing it and being successful at it?

Is it flexible?

In my experience as a parent and as a parent educator, we are always needing to adapt and accommodate. We may be traveling or have visitors or our child might be in the middle of a growth spurt or we’ve got a stomach bug or what worked for our child last week doesn’t work this week or… 

Any advice that is very rigid and implies that there is only one right way to do something and you can never vary it in any way just doesn’t seem realistic to me, and I never quite trust that the speaker has much experience with children if they don’t know everything has to be adapted to the unique needs of the moment.

Does it fit?

Really, the final question is: does the advice feel like a good fit for you? Does it seem like something you can imagine doing and doing consistently? If so, give the idea a try. If not, continue to seek ideas from other reputable sources till you find the answers that feel right for your family’s unique needs.

Unsolicited Advice

I just want to end with a comment on unsolicited advice. Someone told me that in their mind anytime someone gives them advice, it’s really meant as criticism that they’re not doing a good job. Someone else says that all unsolicited advice feels like “mansplaining” or like the speaker is condescending, assuming that they know everything and you know nothing.

I will grant that some people do these things.

However, I think that most people giving parenting advice mean well. In many cases, they have lived through their own parenting challenges, just like you – they often felt incompetent and overwhelmed, and then they found something that worked for them!! They were so excited and relieved by that experience that they now ‘spread the gospel’ about the idea to random parents they see on the street. 

My approach is I listen to all advice I’m given and I evaluate it. Some is sheer nonsense that I shrug off. Some may not be useful to me at that time but I imagine someday it could be, so I store it away for future reference. And sometimes… that unsolicited advice is exactly what I need to solve a challenge I am currently facing, and I’m so glad the person decided to share it. It’s always worth having new ideas.

For more on this topic, read my post Parenting Advice is Not One Size Fits All.