In a meeting yesterday, I learned something that was a new idea to me: teaching kids that when another child is doing something they don’t like, they should “Talk, Walk, Squawk.”
I have learned that it is a fairly common “bullying prevention strategy” taught to elementary school students. I think the method would also work well with preschoolers, but I would never present it as bully prevention at that age. When preschool age children push, or steal a toy, or say something that feels hurtful, it’s very rare that it’s an intentional “bullying.” They push because it’s hard to wait for your turn on the slide when your impulse control is still developing, they take a toy because they want to play with that toy and their empathy is still developing, they say whatever comes to mind without being aware how it could feel to someone else.
But I do like the basic idea at the preschool level, because it gives kids an easily understood collection of options for what to do when another child is doing something that bothers them. (Note: some examples describe this as “what to do when someone is being mean to you”, but that assumes ill intent from the other person.)
You could choose what order to teach them in: some start with a “walk away” plan – you can always choose to remove yourself from the situation; some start with “stop” – first you say “stop” to quickly let the other child know you don’t like what’s happening; some start with “talk” – explaining what you don’t like (although I’d recommend instead teaching to explain what you would like the other child to do instead – we know children are more likely to respond well if you tell them what TO DO, instead of what not to do).
It’s also important to teach “Squawk.” You could think of this as “tell a grown-up”, but I prefer “ask a grown-up to help you problem solve the situation.” The tell a grown up approach could fit into a more authoritarian model where the grown-up intervenes and punishes, the ask a grown up for help fits better in a model where you’re supporting the children in learning their own problem solving skills, and learning what it means to interact well with others.
You can also teach children how to respond to being told to stop. Stop what you are doing, take a deep breath, try doing something different or asking a grown-up for help. They should know that if someone says stop, they should stop, even if they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.
This post is the text of a handout I created for orientation at my co-operative preschool (I’ve added links for learning more), so it talks about how we do things in our classroom, but all of these 12 principles apply to parents and teachers in all settings.
Respect! Let’s commit to a fundamental belief that everyone here (kids and parents) is doing the best they can given their developmental level, skills and knowledge, and challenges in their past and current environment. And… we all have bad days. When you have a bad moment, call yourself on it, apologize as needed, forgive yourself and commit to doing better. When someone else is having a bad moment, don’t judge.
Kids do well if they can. If someone (kid or adult) is “mis-behaving”, ask yourself: What skills do they lack? What support do they need? What stressors are making it hard to do well right now? When those things are noticed and addressed, behavior improves.
Everyone does better when they know what to expect and what’s expected of them. Consistent routines, clearly explained expectations (not “unwritten rules” they need to guess), well thought-out limits and follow-through on promises (both promised rewards and promised consequences) create an environment where a child can do well.
All feelings are OK. (Not all behaviors are.) We all have lots of big feelings. We’re all learning how to manage them appropriately. When a child is calm, we can teach appropriate ways to express feelings. When someone has big feelings, it helps to validate that. If their feelings led to bad behavior, also address that: “Wow, you were mad she took your toy. I understand. But you hit her, and that was not OK.”
When someone flips their lid, co-regulate before anything else. When we are calm and feel safe, we have access to our whole fully developed brain. So a young child can speak in sentences, follow the rules, make fairly good choices. But, when we are really scared, or sad, or mad, or just overwhelmed by too much stimulus or too many demands, we “flip our lids.” We can’t speak, we can’t be reasoned with… If you have a child who is in full meltdown, it’s not the time to teach or to explain or to ask them to make better choices. Instead, co-regulate. Get yourself calm, get down to their level, speak in a quiet voice. Set clear limits and tell them what needs to happen next.
Every kid is unique and has different needs and capabilities. We are a multi-age class, so our kids are at different developmental stages. Development is asynchronous, so you might have a child with high skills in one area and low in another. Also, we all have different interests, different temperaments, different sensory and support needs, different degrees of flexibility before we hit a breaking point. If you find yourself worrying that your child is “behind” other children, or find yourself judging other children for areas they’re struggling in, remember this range. Judge each child’s progress based solely on – is this child progressing well from where they used to be?
These kids are little. They’re still learning. These kids are practicing everything. Practicing kindness, practicing sitting still and listening, practicing good choices, how to do things without making a mess. They’re going to make a lot of mistakes along the way or have days they’re not doing well. We’ll just keep working on it. Instead of telling them “don’t do that”, tell them what TO DO. Instead of assuming they know how to behave well, tell them what would be a positive action to do in that moment.
Growth Mindset/ Power of Yet. “You can’t do it yet, but you’ll get there.” At times, a child can almost do something – they’re working on a puzzle, and they know how it’s supposed to work, but just can’t do it. That is super frustrating!! Don’t feel like you have to rescue them – sit by their side for support and encourage them to keep trying – suggest things to try but don’t jump in and solve it. When they make mistakes, say “hmm, we learned something that doesn’t work. What else could we try.” But… also notice when something is just too hard (or at least too hard in this moment). Teach that it’s OK to say “I can’t do this yet. I can set it aside and try again some other time.”
Process over Product. With crafts, we might have a sample of what a final product could look like. But the process is always more important. We honor a child’s right to make their own choices about what to do. (As long as they’re following the “make don’t break” rule.) What they learn in the process of doing something is more important than the product. So, while you are welcome to help them to do it themselves, please don’t just jump in and do it for them so it will “turn out nicer.” That’s not the point!
We are child-led, play-based. We set up a variety of great learning opportunities, but it’s up to the child to decide what they want to try, and how long to do it. If they start a project and don’t want to finish, that’s OK. If they only try two activities in a day, they didn’t “miss out” on everything else. They focused on what mattered to them.
Freedom Within Limits. Everyone Gets to Feel Safe. Everyone Gets to Play. We try to give children lots of choices. They’ll make some good choices and some bad. We want to let that happen so they learn from their mistakes. But, for the sake of safety (physical and emotional) and fairness, parents and teachers must set appropriate limits. We decide what options are on the table, and they decide from amongst those good options. If they do something unsafe or unfair, we set limits. For example, rough and tumble play is tons of fun, but only if everyone has consented and everyone stays safe.
Four Keys to Brain Development: Novelty, Repetition, Downtime, and Safety. Every time we experience something for the first time, we make new connections in our brain. Novelty is so exciting! Every time we see something familiar or repeat something we’re good at, we build competence and confidence. Repetition and routine is soothing! None of us can be learning and doing all the time. We all need breaks to rest and integrate new learning. Finding a balance of novelty, repetition and downtime and ensuring a child always feels safe and loved is the best way to support learning.
Handout
Here’s the handout version of this post – feel free to share anywhere.
I was just writing an end of year email to a parenting class, and wrote down my top ten takeaways from our whole year of learning together. They are also a fair summary of the information you’ll find on this blog:
Children behave better when they know what to expect and what’s expected of them. If a child is not behaving well, ask yourself: What support do they need, what systems would make it easier for them to be successful, what skills do they still need to learn?
With food: parents decide when and where it’s offered and what is offered. Children decide whether to eat and how much to eat. With all choices: Parents decide what options are on the table, children choose amongst those appropriate options.
Kids need time to run, to be loud, to be silly, to explore their world. Make sure there are a lot of “yes” times and places in their day. Taking small and manageable risks builds skills and independence, even if it means an occasional bump or bruise.
We learn from mistakes. Embrace them! Teach your child the Power of Yet: “you can’t do it yet, but someday, if you keep trying, you’ll be so good at it!”
Children learn best when they feel safe and happy, so play-based learning is powerful. Brains develop through novelty – being exposed to new experiences – and repetition – having the chance to do something again and again till they master it. Explore art, the outdoors, large motor play, building things, doing crafts, and more.
There is no one right way to parent. If you, your child, and other family members are happy, healthy, and succeeding at your goals, then all is well. If you’re unhappy or not feeling successful, seek out new ideas and seek out support. (Parenting classes, counseling, support groups or just connecting with other parents!)
You will have good days and bad days as a parent. When you have a bad day and are not the parent you want to be, acknowledge that, forgive yourself and commit to doing better in the future. When you are having more good days than bad, celebrate that! You’re doing a great job.
Today I was listening to a webinar with Ming Fung from Agents of Speech. The topic was “Decoding the Real Signs of Speech Delays” and he was primarily talking about parent coaching for language delays.
But one of his messages gave me one of those a-ha moments you get when someone says something that should be obvious, but says it more clearly than you’ve thought of it before.
When you’re trying to teach your child any new skill and it’s just not working, you should ask yourself “is it that it’s too hard? Or that they don’t want to do it?”
If it’s too hard, that may mean you’re trying to move too far too fast, and simplifying things into next achievable step might be more successful. It is better to have small successes than fail at a big reach. Ross Greene says that often when we’re thinking “they don’t wanna do it”, it’s really that “they can’t do it… yet.” And that they need more skills, new resources, or more structural supports to be successful.
If they don’t want to do it, he says “make sure they’re fairly compensated.” If it’s just slightly hard or slightly annoying or whatever, it may need just a little motivation. If it’s a big stretch, it may need a big motivation. If your child has special interests, you could find a way to teach that skill within that interest. (When my youngest child was resisting learning to write and draw, we would ask him to write requests for treats, like “kiss” for a Hershey’s kiss or “Cheez-Its”, and he would draw if we would draw Star Wars characters that he could copy.) Or, if they have a big passion, you can use that as a motivator. (My oldest was very slow to potty train, and saying “here’s the dollhouse you want – it’s a big kid toy. As long as you can keep your underwear dry, you can play with it, but if you need to go back to pull-ups, that’s OK – we’ll put the dollhouse away for a little while till you’re ready to be a big kid.”) Don’t force the learning, but show them there is a value in learning this new skill.
Now, you don’t want to overdo rewards. There are downsides to rewards. But sometimes it is a way to move your child forward toward something you want them to learn.
Sometimes I hear parents and teachers say “no thank you” to children to correct misbehavior – like when a child is shoving or making too much noise and the adult just says “no thank you” in the child’s general direction.
Not only do I find this odd (in my mind I would say “no thank you” to a child who offered me something I didn’t want, like a bite of their soggy cracker), it’s ineffective, because it does not explain to them what they should do instead. Children are left to deduce what might be wrong about what they’re doing and then make the jump to abstract thinking to figure out what else to do. That’s a big leap for three and four year olds!
It’s so much more effective to be explicit with your corrections. If a child is shoving into line, instead of no thank you, say “Jack, please go to the end of the line.” If they’re banging on the table, instead of no thank you, say “Kim, please stop banging, that hurts my ears.” It’s so much easier for a child to behave well when they’re told what that means. I really recommend this approach for adults.
Should kids use “no thank you” in this way?
I know a preschool teacher who taught her students to say “no thank you” when the other children did things they didn’t like. I think that could be appropriate for three year olds who do know when they don’t like something but may have a hard time articulating exactly what it is they don’t like or what they wish the other child would do instead. Saying no thank you is certainly better than shoving the other child. But by four years old, I like to work with kids on more clearly expressing themselves. I might say “Jeff, you look uncomfortable. Can you tell Kira ‘please don’t lean on me during group time – I like to have my own space.’” Or “Shri, you can say to Olga ‘please stop pushing me.’” It’s polite, assertive, and clearly expresses their preferences.
More Good Days with Kids 
