Many children first show fear around the age of 7- 8 months. The first reactions may be simple startle reactions to loud noises or sudden movements. But a major source of fear may be new people or new situations – this stranger fear and the related separation anxiety is especially common from 8 – 14 months.
But other kids go through separation anxiety from 18 months – 3 years. Or they may experience it when a new stress appears: a move to a new home, a new baby in the house, or starting pre-school.
Ways to reduce separation anxiety: There’s lots of ideas here… if you’re just going to be gone for a short while, you might not use many of these. If you’re going away for an extended period, you might use them all.
Preparation and Practice
Meet the caregiver in advance, spend time together, demonstrate to your child that you are comfortable with this person
Visit the environment in advance, get familiar with. Try a few short stays on low stress days when you don’t need to be away, so that the child is up to a longer stay when you do.
Prepare your child– talk about when/where you’ll be going, and also talk about when you’ll be back. Sometimes talking about this upsets your child, but better that than to be surprised to discover you gone. When talking about this, show confidence that they will handle it well
Read books about parents going away and coming back. Search online for “books about separation anxiety” and you’ll find plenty of recommendations. Important tip: if your child does not yet have separation anxiety, choose books that just talk confidently about how kids do fine when they’re apart from their parents… don’t choose books that talk a lot about separation anxiety – you don’t want to introduce the idea to a kid who doesn’t yet have it!
Packing for the separation (if the caregiver is coming to your home, show them where to find these!)
Make sure your child has some familiar objects – favorite books, or toys, comfort foods
Consider a special activity for your child (e.g. blowing bubbles may be a guaranteed pleasure for your child whether or not you’re there)
Give them part of you to hold on to – a picture of you, a love note from you, a recording of your voice that a caregiver can play if they’re feeling lonely
When the time comes to separate: Say goodbye briefly before leaving, be cheery and positive demonstrating your confidence that they’ll be fine while you’re gone
Don’t try to sneak out! Your child may cry when you leave, but will soon settle down. But if you sneak out, that’s very distressing when your child notices you’re gone.
Ask your caregiver not to mention you unless the child brings you up, but if they do, then to calmly and simply explain where you are and when you’ll be back, then encourage the child to play.
Don’t call on the phone. Your child may be happily settled in, and the phone call may upset them.
Be casual when you return: In the book Owl Babies, when the mother comes home, she says “What’s all the fuss? You knew I’d come back.” And the babies say “I knew it.” If your child tells you (or shows you) that they were sad that you were gone, you can empathize with that, but also reinforce that they were safe and well cared for while you were gone, and you came back just as you had promised.
Life with a toddler can be filled with giggles & glee in one moment and tantrums & tears in the next. Let’s look at the difference between tantrums and meltdowns, talk about why toddlers behave this way, and how you can manage these moments.
What’s the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown?
Tantrums and meltdowns may look and sound the same, but there are different motivations / reasons behind them, and understanding that can help you respond.
A tantrum is when a child needs or wants something they’re not getting. They throw a tantrum, yelling or hitting. They may partially lose control, but you may also see them pause a moment to see if they’re getting a reaction from you and then continue. They will stop tantrum-ing when they get what they want, or they realize that the tantrum isn’t working to get them what they want. (Note: Children younger than 18 months are not likely to be socially savvy enough to throw this manipulation style tantrum, so for them this behavior would almost always be a meltdown not a tantrum.)
A meltdown happens when a child is overloaded – there’s too much stimulation or they have too many big feelings, and they get overwhelmed so badly that they lose control and scream and cry. A meltdown won’t stop because you gave them what they wanted. It stops when the child is too worn out to continue, or they find a quieter place with less stimulation and can calm themselves down, or a grown-up helps them to calm down.
Siegel and Bryson talk about the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain. Bryson says “The upstairs brain… is the more evolved, rational, problem solving brain; whereas, the downstairs brain is more primitive and animal like. When our child is having an upstairs tantrum… they are being intentionally manipulative. They are in control and still make choices. If you give them what they want, they will be plenty happy and go on their way… The best response … is to not give in. … [In] A downstairs tantrum… they are flooded with emotion … like they are losing their mind … they really are not in control. They can’t make a choice anymore, even if you give them what they want, they will continue to lose it. In these moments, what they need most from us is comfort. Now, of course, we are not going to let them knock things off shelves or hurt other people. We may have to hold them and say, “You are not in control right now and I need to help you until you have more control.” In these moments, they need us to calm them down by giving lots of comfort.” (Source)
All children (and adults) can have meltdowns, but they’re especially common with neurodiverse folks, including autistic kids and people with anxiety or sensory processing issues. They’re extremely common for toddlers who just haven’t learned emotional regulation yet.
Triggers: Why do toddlers have tantrums and meltdowns?
Life can be hard for a toddler. They want lots of things they can’t have. And sometimes things happen that make them so sad, or so mad, or so scared that they are completely overwhelmed. Here are some of the reasons toddlers explode:
1. Rules: They want to do something that’s not allowed, and are angry that you’re blocking them. You might think your rule is reasonable, but here’s what they’re thinking: “I really want to hold those scissors! You were just using them. Why can’t I??”
2. Impossibilities: They want something that’s not possible, and can’t understand when you explain. From their perspective: “Last time I asked for crackers you gave me some. Now, you say you don’t have any crackers??”
3. Lack of control, lack of choices about where they go and what they do. “I was having a great time playing, and you suddenly carry me out the door??”
4. Frustration: They want to be able to do something, but they’re not yet capable of it. “YOU can put the puzzle together. But I try and I try, and it doesn’t work!!”
5. Can’t communicate: They want something but don’t have the words to tell you what it is. “When my big sister asks for something she gets it. When I ‘ask’, I don’t!!”
6. Separation and/or unfamiliar situations: Being away from familiar supports is hard. “I count on you for everything, and you’re not here!!”
7. Fears: The world can be a scary place when you’re small and don’t understand much! “That vacuum cleaner is really really loud. I’m afraid it will hurt me!!”
On a good day, when your child is rested and you’re calm, they may be able to handle any of these things. But when they’re tired, hungry, sick, cold, hot, or overstimulated, even little upsets become overwhelming. Or if you’re tired, hungry, or stressed, you may not notice their early cues and they may end up in a meltdown.
Preventing Meltdowns
Even if you were the perfect parent, and did absolutely everything right, there would still be times when your child would melt down!! But there are some ways that we can reduce the number of tantrums and meltdowns:
Meet physical needs: Your child is less likely to melt down if he is rested, fed, and comfortable.
Be aware of your child’s capacity for stimulation: Children all have a different threshold where they overload. Some children are particularly sensitive to noise, others to bright lights, others to crowds. When planning your child’s activities, think about how much they can manage at a time.
Be aware of triggers: Minimize things you know upset your child. (I am not suggesting you walk on eggshells, trying desperately to never upset your child! But, pick your battles. If something is important to your family or important for their development, then it’s necessary for them to adapt to it. So you do it and you coach them through. But, if it’s not necessary, maybe skip it.)
Set expectations: Tell them ahead of time what to expect, what behavior you’re expecting of them, and what the consequences will be if they can’t behave that way.
Give choices where you can. (But don’t offer choices in the middle of their screaming… if it’s a tantrum, giving choices will make them feel like they won; if it’s a meltdown, being asked to make choices is overwhelming!)
Set limits and follow them consistently: We don’t always give children what they want, and we don’t want them to think they’re the boss of the family. When you set limits, you will face the occasional tantrum, but over time – with consistent enforcement, the child learns and respects the family limits, and will have fewer tantrums than the child who never knows if or when a rule will be enforced.
Watch for early cues of an impending meltdown: Notice when your child is reaching the end of her rope. Let her know that you’ve noticed – that helps her learn to recognize it for herself. Try distraction or a change of scenery.
Talk about meltdowns when they’re NOT having one. Ask your child to let you know when they have one coming on. (Note: it will be a while before they’re capable of that!) Praise your child when they’ve done a good job of calming themselves down – we want to reinforce their efforts at self-regulation.
Talk about and model, positive ways to ask for what they want and to manage feelings. Use Emotion Coaching to build emotional IQ.
Anatomy of a Tantrum – What Research Shows
Researchers developed a “onesie” that parents in the study put on a toddler that would record for several hours, and possibly catch a meltdown. Then they analyzed the pattern of the tantrums. Sad sounds – whimpering and crying – are heard throughout the tantrum; and mixed in were peaks of yelling and screaming – angry sounds. Children tend to build up to a peak of anger quite quickly, then do something physical (throw things, throw themselves on the floor, hit), and then they collapse into sadness.
If parents asked a lot of questions, or tried to verbally reason with the child, it would prolong the tantrum. When a toddler is very angry, he can’t process language, and asking questions just pushes him into overload.
Researchers felt the research-based trick to end a tantrum is to get past the anger. If you think it’s a tantrum, ignore the child or respond with as few words as possible. If you think it’s a meltdown, stay nearby but don’t talk or touch a lot. When the child has released anger, what’s left is sadness, and they will seek comfort.
Don’t “over-respond”. Keep your response calm and low key. You don’t want to pay too much attention to the tantrum as you don’t want to reward the behavior.
Stay calm. A child in meltdown is overwhelmed by the strength of his own emotions, and needs you to model emotional stability to help re-ground him. Stay close by.
Don’t ask questions or try to talk the child down with a lot of words. If you need to talk to change your child’s behavior, or move her to a safer / more appropriate place, give very simple commands. If it’s a tantrum, calmly but clearly re-state the rules.
Don’t let your child hurt herself, or anyone else. Keep her from damaging possessions. At times, you may need to physically restrain her to keep things safe – it’s OK to firmly hold an upset child in a gentle and supportive way. Sometimes she will resist the hold for a bit, then shift from anger to sadness in your arms.
Once the meltdown blows over, calm and comfort. Name and validate the emotions they were feeling. Let them know that all feelings are OK. (But not all behavior is!)
Sometimes your child will calm down, but you will still be full of tension and stress from the experience! Think about self-care methods that help you release that tension and move on – a few deep breaths, a drink of water, taking a short break… Get support from other parents.
For older children (3 – 5 years), talk about the situation later that day when everyone is calm. Validate the emotions they were feeling at the time, but also discuss other ways they could have managed those emotions. Develop plans for how to handle similar situations in the future.
Here’s a handout that summarizes the information in this post: Taming Tantrums
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Children begin life with very simple emotions, which become more complex over time. Developmental theorists differ in their opinions of exactly when children develop each stage, but the general order of development is:
Distress vs. contentment: From birth, newborn babies have two broad emotional states. They have moments of distress – hunger, pain, overstimulation – the sense that things are not right. When their needs are tended to, then they experience satisfaction, content that once again, all is right with their world. Our role as parents is to meet their needs in a calm, consistent manner. When they are in distress for no apparent reason, and are not able to calm down, our role is to be present, supporting them until they can settle.
Interest and joy: Around 6 weeks to 4 months, babies begin to show strong interest in things around them. The social smile appears at 6 weeks, and laughter in the coming months. As parents, we can notice what they are interested in, and help them to explore it.
Basic Emotions: These emerge somewhere between 3 and 7 months. It is also during this time that children begin to notice other people’s emotional expressions.
Anger – there is a shift from the newborn’s generalized distress to anger that needs aren’t being met instantaneously
Sadness – babies may be more likely to show anger than sadness
Surprise – as babies start to create mental rules about how things ‘usually’ work, then they also show surprise when things happen differently than expected (note, after the initial surprise reaction, they may be delighted, angry, or terrified of what has happened.)
Disgust – any parent who has started a child on solid foods has at some point seen this expression!
Fear – around 6 – 7 months, some children develop fear of strangers, or of new toys, noises, sudden movements, etc. Separation anxiety tends to hang on till around 14 months or so, then decline
The parent’s role is to be present and supportive, begin to label the emotions the child is feeling, and model a calm response to a situation, so when the child looks to you for cues, they see them.
Social referencing – Around 8 – 12 months, when encountering a new or confusing situation, a child looks to their caregiver for guidance. They use the parents’ facial or vocal cues to decide how to respond.
Individual identity: Around 18 months to 3 years, a child becomes aware of himself as an individual, separate from the parent of caregiver.
Self-aware emotions: These emotions arise after they see themselves as individuals, around 18 – 36 months. These emotions either build or diminish their sense of self.
Pride
Envy
Shame – the sense that they are a bad person, or incompetent, inadequate.
Guilt – the sense that they have done something wrong or behaved badly. (Note that this is more about the behavior than about their self-worth.)
Empathy – this takes quite a while to develop, as it requires them to not only see themselves as separate from others, but also understand that other people could have a different view of a situation or a different feeling about it than they have.
A child learns about when they should feel these emotions from the adults around her. If caregivers cheer and applaud an accomplishment, the child learns that it is a thing to be proud of. If the caregiver scolds behavior, the child learns to feel guilty when they do that behavior. (Note: this may not be enough to stop him from doing it! Young children lack impulse control.) If a caregiver tells a child she is bad and should be ashamed of herself, she will be. Try to talk instead about what behavior you hope to see from your child in the future, and express confidence that they will be able to do that some day.
Understanding the causes of emotions. Around 2 – 3 years old, they start to understand what kind of situations typically make people happy. Around 4 years old, they start to understand what situations make people scared or angry (i.e. when I do this, mom usually gets mad), start to predict what people will do based on emotions, and recognize cues about how another person is feeling. (They can label a smile as happy earlier on, and can label an angry or sad face by late preschool.) Talking about emotions and reading books which include emotional expressions can help to build emotional literacy.
Learn rules of emotional display, learn coping skills and self-regulation: From age 4 through adolescence, children sort through the rules of how and when it is appropriate to express emotions. They learn to identify an emotion as it is coming on, and use self-calming skills to manage it. They learn the ability to talk about emotions rather than having to express them physically.
For parents of toddlers, it can seem like those coping skills and ability to self-regulate are a long ways away. We know they’re coming, but in the meantime need to survive days filled with emotional melt-downs and tantrums. In other posts this week, I’ll address ways to manage the melt-downs, and also look at emotion coaching and emotional intelligence.
More Good Days with Kids 