Author Archives: Janelle Durham

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About Janelle Durham

I am a parent educator and social worker, and teach music and science to children age 1 - 8.

Relationship Skill #5: Expressing Needs

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Many relationship conflicts arise because one or both of you is not getting something that you need. You can start feeling like opponents on opposite sides of an issue or like competitors for scarce resources. Here are some steps to start thinking like allies again, and being working things out.

  1. Identify what you need. Sometimes you need to figure it out yourself before you can tell your partner. Hint: if you often find yourself saying “You never do X” or “You always do Y” or “I never get to do Z,” there’s a hint in there somewhere.
  2. Communicate that need to your partner. Be clear, and specific. Use the “I” word – “I need this”, not the “You” word – “Here’s what you need to do.” Help them understand how you feel about this emotionally. “It makes me sad when…” “I feel overwhelmed when…”
  3. Ask for help meeting that need.
  4. Listen to your partner’s opinions and concerns. Avoid interrupting, criticizing, defensiveness, and contempt. (Expressed out loud or with body language.) Paraphrase – repeat back what your partner has said, and make sure you heard him/her right.
  5. Ask your partner what s/he needs and work together to get that need met.

Next time you find yourself in conflict, try these ideas. Even better, try working preventatively. When you’re not in the heat of the moment, explore one areas of conflict, and see what you learn together.

I have a one-page handout with more details on this conflict resolution skill. Also check out the Non-Violent Communication method by Rosenberg, one of the key inspirations for this technique.

To see all my posts on relationship skills, click here.

Love is in the Little Things – Every Day

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What are those pictures of? Pictures of a mother’s love and dedication.

In the technical sense, they’re

  • my birth certificate (not the official one I can order from the state, but the original one made in the hospital on the day I was born)
  • my immunization records and my growth records
  • my social security card

So yeah, just “boring documents you keep in a file”, right?

But they’re also tangible signs of all that my mother did for me. If there was an important document, she kept it carefully on file for me, and when I was an adult, gave it to me, and made sure I knew to keep it carefully on file.That birth certificate is 47 years old. On the health records, you’ll see that not only did I attend all my well child check-ups and get all my shots, if you look at the dates, you see my one year physical was scheduled exactly on my birthday. My two year old physical was the day after my second birthday – my birthday fell on Thanksgiving that year.

They’re visible reminders of how hard she tried to be sure that her children were all well cared for. My mom made our meals every day – dinner was always at 5:30. And there was always milk with dinner. Except when we had tacos – tacos were always accompanied by pop or lemonade – quite a surprise to drink that when you’re expecting milk!

She packed lunches. She made clothes. She washed clothes. She read to us and encouraged us to read. She took us to the library – a lot. She took us to church every Sunday. She served on the PTA at school. She taught me to sew, cook, clean, but never to knit. My fault – I refused to learn. She took us to 4-H and scouts meeting (and yes, she was a den leader too). She made sure we made it to school on time all the time. She took us to the doctor when we needed it.

When I was a kid, I took all that for granted. Isn’t that what all moms do?

As an adult… as a social worker… I know that no, that’s not what all moms do.

For all sorts of complicated reasons – from mental health to poverty to homelessness to substance abuse to racism to illiteracy to domestic violence to war and more, many moms are not able to do for their children what my mom did for me.

Probably most adults don’t have their original social security cards, immunization records and growth records, and their original birth certificates on file. Many adults don’t even know if they were immunized. Some adults don’t know when or where they were born. And they didn’t have three meals a day, and they didn’t get to school on time…

With that knowledge, and the knowledge that comes of raising three kids of my own, I no longer take for granted all that my mom did for me. It takes so much hard work, so much commitment, so much love to do what she did for me. With every meal she cooked, every sock she washed, every book she read. Every thing she did. Every day.

She’s 81 now. And I’m 47. And she’s still doing a pretty fabulous job being a mom to a daughter who doesn’t really remember to say thank you for that very often.

Relationship Skill #4: Make Couple Time a Priority

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After you have children, it becomes much more challenging to find couple time, but having that one-on-one connection time is so essential to keeping the love alive in a relationship. Without it, you may find that you and your partner end up in a place where you’re great housemates, co-parents, business partners, and so on, but no longer lovers. (In the physical way or the emotional way.)

Ideally, you will find a way to have a regular date night with your partner. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Just a chance to be together, really listen to each other, really see the other person, and remember why you chose to spend your lives together. Celebrate being a couple!  (Here are more thoughts for why that’s important: www.families.com/blog/making-time-for-your-marriage-couple-time)

But beyond date night, think about ways that even a few minutes a day can make a big difference. In an article by Carolyn Pirak (www.parentmap.com/article/make-time-for-your-partner) she recommends making a commitment to 40 minutes a day to improve your relationship: When you separate each morning, spend at least two minutes saying goodbye. When you reunite, spend 20 minutes talking about your days. Take five minutes a day to express appreciation to each other. Devote at least 8 minutes a day to showing affection. Give at least five minutes a day to sharing dreams and planning ahead.

Make a plan for special time together this week. And each day, grab some sweet little moments together.

Here’s some solutions to some couple time challenges:

No time? Here’s some “8 minute date ideas”: https://gooddayswithkids.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/timetogether.pdf

Can’t find a babysitter? Tips for a date night at home: www.romantic-tips.com/datenight.shtml  and http://familymatters.net/blog/2011/04/04/date-night-for-parents-kids/

Can’t afford a babysitter and an expensive date? Cheap date ideas: http://workingmoms.about.com/od/parenting/a/Cheapdate.htm and http://parentingfamilymoney.com/393/inexpensive-cheap-date-night-ideas-for-parents/

Please share comments on how  you make date nights work as a parent!

To see all my posts on relationship skills, click here.

photo credit: Rinoninha via photopin cc

 

Relationship Skill #3: Love Languages

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In Chapman’s Five Love Languages, he describes how different individuals have different “languages” they use to express love, and that we “hear” love best when it’s spoken in our language. Which one of these sounds most like how your partner hears love from you?

  • Physical Touch: Feels most loved when you touch him/her: stroke her hair, hold hands, massage, rub her feet, hugging, kissing, sex. Feels most rejected when touch is missing (or if touch is used in anger).
  • Words of Affirmation: Encouragement and praise are vital. Being acknowledged for work, appreciated for who s/he is, validated for concerns, cheered on for efforts. May be very sensitive to criticism.
  • Acts of Service: Wants active support with household tasks, like laundry, washing dishes, running errands, making a to-do list together and taking on jobs. Feels unsupported when you don’t pitch in.
  • Gifts: Loves any special little thing done just for him/her. Little notes left around the house, something special from the grocery store, pictures of the baby texted during the day. Will be especially upset if you forget a birthday, anniversary or other gift-giving occasion.
  • Quality Time: Wants your Presence: time together, spent talking and connecting, doing activities together. Feels unsupported if you’re off buying gifts or doing tasks instead of spending time with him/her.

Discuss this with your partner. Are you right about what his/her language is? What does s/he think is your language? Sometimes couples discover that if one is feeling unloved, it’s not that their partner wasn’t trying to communicate love, it’s just that s/he was shouting a lot in the wrong language.

(Note: I also wrote a 5 question love languages quiz you can take. Or you can take Chapman’s 30 question quiz here)

Read what other bloggers say about Love Languages:

One person’s experience with how the love languages work in reality on INFP blog

Applying love languages to relationship with your child on GoodTherapy.org

To see all my posts on relationship skills, click here.

Photo Credits:

 

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20 Outdoor Games for Children

For my “Cheap Dates with Toddlers” series: I encourage you to head outdoors to the park of your choice, and try out any of these fabulous outdoor games!  [I don’t re-blog often, but this is a great post!]

Our Little House in the Country's avatarOur Little House in the Country

outdoor games

Hi there, today I am sharing our top 20 outdoor games.  Some of these games can be played indoors but most are more suitable for getting active outside in the fresh air now that Spring is here!  In case you need instructions on how to play these games I have linked them to other great sites and blogs about games for children. I’ve also included some photos of my children having fun outdoors!

Doodles and OOdles having fun with pretend cafe play outside Doodles and OOdles having fun with pretend cafe play outside

  1. Skipping games
  2. Treasure hunts
  3. Parachute games
  4. Duck duck goose
  5. Hopscotch
  6. Hide and seek
  7. Tag
  8. Clapping games
  9. Obstacle courses
  10. What time is it Mr Wolf
  11. Simon Says
  12. Stuck in the mud
  13. Musical Statues
  14. Red light, Green Light
  15. Horse/Donkey basketball
  16. Scavenger hunt (we use picture clues)
  17. Hot/Cold (searching for objects, the closer you get the hotter you are)

    Oodles and Doodles playing parachute games with daddy and a friend Oodles and Doodles playing parachute games with daddy and a friend

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