I teach Discovery Science Lab and Family Inventors' Lab, STE(A)M enrichment classes in Bellevue, Washington for ages 3 - 9. I am also a parent educator for Bellevue College, a childbirth educator for Parent Trust for Washington Children, former program designer for PEPS - the Program for Early Parent Support, and a social worker.
If you have worked your way through my full series on Learning to Play Ukulele, and are ready to play around some, here’s a fun approach.
Lots of pop songs are written around a standard chord progression. They’ll describe it as I V VI IV. (Within a key, these are the first, fifth, sixth and fourth chords in the scale.)
So, in the key of C, you’d play a chord progression of C G Am F. In G, it’s G, D, Em and C. In the key of D, it’s D, A, Bm, and G.
So, try just playing the chord progression: for example, strum C twice, then G, then Am, then F. Does that remind you of any song you’ve heard?
It might remind you of Don’t Stop Believing by Journey? Or I’m Yours by Jason Mraz? Or Let it Be from the Beatles? Yep, it’s in all those.
In the video below, they play snippets of all these songs that use this four chord progression. Journey — “Don’t Stop Believing” James Blunt — “You’re Beautiful” Black Eyed Peas — “Where Is the Love” Alphaville — “Forever Young” Jason Mraz — “I’m Yours” Train — “Hey Soul Sister” The Calling — “Wherever You Will Go” Elton John — “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” (from The Lion King) Akon — “Don’t Matter” John Denver — “Take Me Home, Country Roads” Lady Gaga — “Paparazzi” U2 — “With Or Without You” The Last Goodnight — “Pictures of You” Maroon Five — “She Will Be Loved” The Beatles — “Let It Be” Bob Marley — “No Woman No Cry” Marcy Playground — “Sex and Candy” Men At Work — “Land Down Under” Theme from America’s Funniest Home Videos Jack Johnson — “Taylor” Spice Girls — “Two Become One” A Ha — “Take On Me” Green Day — “When I Come Around” Eagle Eye Cherry — “Save Tonight” Toto — “Africa” Beyonce — “If I Were A Boy” Kelly Clarkson — “Behind These Hazel Eyes” Jason DeRulo — “In My Head” The Smashing Pumpkins — “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” Joan Osborne — “One Of Us” Avril Lavigne — “Complicated” The Offspring — “Self Esteem” The Offspring — “You’re Gonna Go Far Kid” Akon — “Beautiful” Timberland featuring OneRepublic — “Apologize” Eminem featuring Rihanna — “Love the Way You Lie” Bon Jovi — “It’s My Life” Lady Gaga — “Pokerface” Aqua — “Barbie Girl” Red Hot Chili Peppers — “Otherside” The Gregory Brothers — “Double Rainbow” MGMT — “Kids” Andrea Bocelli — “Time To Say Goodbye” Robert Burns — “Auld Lang Syne” Five for fighting — “Superman” The Axis of Awesome — “Birdplane” Missy Higgins — “Scar”. In the video , they are in the key of D, using D, A, Bm, and G.
So, you could choose any of the songs off that list, do a google search or YouTube search for “[song title] ukulele” and find a chord chart and a video and start learning that song, playing with that four chord progression.
Another common progression, called the 50’s progression or the doo-wop progression, in Nashville numbering is I VI IV V (the same chords as I V VI IV described above, just in a different order). In the C major scale, that’s C–Am–F–G
Just a few of the songs that use it are: All I have to Do Is Dream, Beyond the Sea, Blue Moon, Breaking Up is Hard to Do, Chain Gang, Crocodile Rock… find more here.
Note: I have a more general post on talking to children about the concept of death that I would recommend for most readers. This particular post is much more specific than that – it is focused on how to talk to a very young child (age 2 to 5) about the impending / expected death of a parent (or a grandparent.other adult who is very involved in the child’s day to day life.) It may be relevant as someone is nearing end of life or has been placed in hospice care.
First, I want to acknowledge that this is a very heartbreaking thing to have to talk about. For you, as the adult who is in the midst of this difficult situation and will have these sad conversations with the child – this is hard emotional work, and I encourage you to seek out support for yourself as well and to do the self-care that nourishes you through these hard times.
But, although it is challenging, I think it is important to have these conversations. To be honest with children about the realities of the upcoming loss. Trying to shield the child from anticipatory grief will only make it harder for them when the loss happens and the full grief becomes a part of their life. Talking about it now allows them to begin to process it, and allows you to create meaningful and loving moments with them as you begin with saying goodbyes.
Let’s look at what a child this age is capable of understanding, and some key ideas to talk with them about.
Explaining Death to a Young Child
Before talking about the upcoming loss of a child’s loved one, it’s best to start by making sure they have an understanding of what death is.
Explain what death is in very concrete ways – this is not the time for flowery metaphors like “go to a better place.” Instead, share these ideas:
Death is the cessation of life functions. Use simple terms and examples from their life experience. “Do you remember when your pea plant died, and it stopped growing and started to shrivel up?” “Do you remember when we saw that dead squirrel in the park? They looked like they were sleeping, but their heart had stopped, and their brain didn’t work anymore.”
Death is permanent. Once something has died, it will not come back to life. If someone we love dies, we won’t see them again.
Everything that is alive will someday die. Some things / beings live a very long time, and others live for a short time. Sometimes death happens suddenly, sometimes someone is sick for a long time before dying.
Death is caused by physical reasons. Describe in a simple, non-graphic way what can cause a death.
Even though someone may not be alive any more, we can always hold them in our memories.
For a preschooler, age 2.5 – 5: Even if you clearly explain what death is, they may not be able to grasp what you mean. Permanence is hard to understand. They may believe death is temporary and reversible, and may ask things like “but when will they come back?”
Teachable Moments
I often recommend that parents wait for teachable moments to talk about death. For example, if a child sees a dead bug on the window sill, or an animal that was hit by a car, or they hear that a friend’s pet died. Those are times a parent can introduce the topic. Or any time a child asks about death, calm, matter-of-fact answers are helpful. You can take advantage of these same moments. But, if you, or a close family member, is facing the end of life soon, you may feel the matter is too urgent to wait for teachable moments to appear, and may intentionally bring it up through conversations, or pretend play / storytelling, or through media.
There are many shows and movies where a character dies that you could use to introduce the subject. Two that I know of that are focused on helping a child understand death are the Mr. Roger’s goldfish episode and the Daniel Tiger episode.
If you have some time (days or weeks) to prepare, you could gradually sneak little conversations about death in and around all the normal toddler and preschool daily activities – don’t force it and don’t talk about only this… trust that you can gradually bring these conversations in.
If we use vague euphemisms, it’s confusing. Saying “mommy is sick” or “grandma went to sleep” or “daddy is going to go away soon” can cause a child to worry that the next time anyone gets sick in any way, or goes to sleep, they too will die, or any time any one leaves the room or the house, they might not come back. (This video talks more about how it’s helpful to use the word death instead of euphemisms.)
So, be clear about what disease is happening (e.g. cancer), what you might guess the timeline will be and what to expect. (As much as you can guess.) You don’t want to overwhelm them with details, but do give an honest overview.
An extremely important thing to address is who will care for them. Reassure them that they will be OK, and all their needs will still be tended to.
Having this conversation will be hard for you. You may cry. It’s OK. You can be honest with your child about how you are feeling. (Do be sure to get lots of support elsewhere so your child does not feel like they have to help you feel better.) But it’s OK for them to see your feelings.
How They May React
When you tell them, they might be very upset. Or they may have very little reaction. It may just be too hard for them to really grasp the meaning of the situation.
Even if your child won’t talk about it, they may play this out – you might see pretend play scenarios involving hospitalization, death, and dinosaur attacks and more. This is a normal part of them making sense of it all.
They may have times they worry a lot about it, there will be many more times where they seem to have no awareness of it and are just focused on being happy toddlers / preschoolers. This video is very helpful for understanding how this is developmentally normal.
Even if they aren’t voicing any concerns related to the illness, they may show some of these behaviors: regression (e.g. needing diapers again after having been potty trained, or thumb sucking after they had stopped), clinging, sleep disturbances, separation anxiety, or fear of the dark. You might see anger and temper tantrums. It is fine to give them extra support and be a little more relaxed about “the rules” but don’t go too far into total permissiveness. Having the old familiar routines and rules is actually reassuring to children and helps give them security that although there will be some huge changes, other things will stay the same.
There are a lot of things in any child’s life that are out of their control, and especially for your child in this moment. Giving them choices anywhere you can (like what clothes to wear or what to eat for breakfast) can help them to feel more powerful.
It might also be helpful to give them “jobs” they can do to help out, even if it’s as simple as bringing a cup of water or snack to the ill person, or helping to fluff their pillow. Feeling like they can make a difference for the person they love is empowering to a small child.
When to Have the Conversation
With an older child, like an elementary age or middle school child, a parent would be able to plan this out – plan a quiet time for a long uninterrupted conversation in a private place for a single focused conversation. The reality of small children and attention spans and how much they can take in at a time means that you just have to be on the lookout for an opening… when you have a moment where things are quiet and neither they or you are tired, stressed or hungry, there may be a chance to start the conversation. While you have their interest and engagement, keep going. But watch their cues. When they wander away, or disengage, or start pushing the conversation away, let it go. You can talk some more some other day.
Don’t put off the conversation waiting for the perfect moment to get it right. There is no perfect moment. The important part is to start the conversation, don’t avoid it.
And know that this is not a one and done conversation. Your child may continue to bring it up off and on, and ask questions, and ask to be told again something you think you’ve told them several times. This is part of the process of them taking in and understanding the information.
Answering their Questions / Concerns
Some common questions come up for kids. Listen for them, or even if they don’t voice these questions, you may want to talk about these issues proactively.
“Is it my fault?” Kids are naturally very self-centered. They may wonder/worry that they caused the illness because they were mad, or bad, or whatever. They need to be reassured that it’s not their fault.
“Are you leaving because you don’t love me?” Reassure them this is not the case!
“Will _____ die too?” If one loved one is dying, they might worry that others will too. I don’t ever promise that won’t happen, because none of us can promise that. But I do tell them I think it is HIGHLY unlikely.
“Will I die too?” I think it’s only fair to say “yes, you will die someday but I think it won’t be for a very long time.” If they ask “Can I die too to be with you?” let them know that as much as you love them, you want them to live a long and beautiful life.
“What happens after you die?” You can share your beliefs with them about this. Other important people in their lives might share different beliefs. That’s OK. I say it as “No one knows for sure, but here is what I believe.” Whatever you share, it is helpful to be clear that a dead person’s body will not come back to life and someone who has passed will not be visible / tangible to them in the same way as before death.
“Will it hurt?” Be honest about whether the dying process may or may not hurt and how health care will support that. But say that death itself does not hurt, and after death, there is no pain.
“Can we fix it?” Tell them that you really wish you could, but some things can’t be fixed. Reassure them that you are doing all you can to help these be as easy as it can be on everyone, and that even though it is still very hard, in the long run, you know they will have a happy life.
Books to Read
These are some books that could be effective for the person whose passing is nearing to read to the child. (You could even make a video of them with the child in their lap reading it aloud to them.)
With each, I include a link to the book description* and also a link to a video of a read aloud so you can see if the book feels like the right fit for your situation.
You’ll Find Me by Amanda Rawson Hill. (Video) This is beautiful. “I will not always be greeting the morning with you, but you’ll find me… in the way the sun spills through your window whispering wake up sleepyhead… I will not always be holding you tight in my lap, but you’ll find me… in the first notes of a familiar song…” The image at the top of this post is from this book.
You’ll Always Have My Love by Jennifer Chobar. (Video) Although I don’t think the rhymes are the best children’s writing, I do think there are beautiful messages in this book! I think it would be a very sweet thing for the person at life’s end to read to the child, if their belief system includes the idea that they’ll be watching over the child after they die.
When Mama Goes to Heaven by Jayna Russell. (Video) Talks about how the person they have lost can still be “found” in all the beauties of the world.
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr. (Video) Could be read after someone’s passing, but I also think it could be read beforehand, as a chance to preview what the feelings might be like and how to hold them gently.
Creating Memories
By being honest with a child about what’s coming, you create the opportunity to create special rituals and preserve memories. Make lots of videos, take lots of pictures, write letters to be given to them on each birthday, plan a memorial service together, whatever feels meaningful to you.
You can also do more things with all the other adults who will help to support the child after the death, strengthening all those relationships, and showing them that those adults have your trust.
Still Living Your Life
Sometimes when death is coming, families let that overwhelm everything. Every day becomes about that.
It’s OK to still do all the “normal” things that “normal” families do with small kids. And let your kid be a kid! Go to the playground, watch Bluey together, dance together, see friends for playdates, go to preschool or story time, and so on. And it’s OK to have bad days when you’re cranky at your kid, like all parents have days they’re cranky at their kids!
Nearing the end
As the health situation worsens, and the end comes closer, be honest with the child about what is happening and what to expect. Keep reminding the child that they are loved and that they will be well cared for, and although many things will change, that will remain the same.
It might be tempting to keep the child away from a loved one who is becoming quite sick and frail. But it is hard for the child if someone “disappears” from their life before they are truly gone, so follow the child’s lead. If they want to be with the person, let them be! If they are ready for a break, give them a break. Allowing them to have choices in the moment is helpful. There’s no easy path, but again, letting them have some choice and control can help.
Books that can be read to the child after the loss: Missing Mummy by Rebecca Cobb. (Video), Lost in the Clouds by Tom Timm Disbury. (Video), The Memory Box by Joanna Rowland (Video). Something Very Sad Happened by Zucker (Video.) The first two are about the loss of a mother. The third isn’t specific. The last is about the loss of a grandmother. But I believe the reader could adapt these to the child’s situation.
One important thing is that people continue to talk about the person who has died. Sometimes they avoid this because they fear it will make the child sad. It actually tends to be healing and calming to children to continue to hear about this person who was so important to them.
Note about links for book titles: these are Amazon affiliate links, so I would get a small referral fee if you clicked through and then purchased, but I also encourage you to get the book from your favorite independent bookseller.
More Resources:
There are lots more helpful resources on these sites:
Note: my other more general post on Talking to Children about Death covers some of this same info, but also has other tips and resources you may find helpful.
Today I was listening to a webinar with Ming Fung from Agents of Speech. The topic was “Decoding the Real Signs of Speech Delays” and he was primarily talking about parent coaching for language delays.
But one of his messages gave me one of those a-ha moments you get when someone says something that should be obvious, but says it more clearly than you’ve thought of it before.
When you’re trying to teach your child any new skill and it’s just not working, you should ask yourself “is it that it’s too hard? Or that they don’t want to do it?”
If it’s too hard, that may mean you’re trying to move too far too fast, and simplifying things into next achievable step might be more successful. It is better to have small successes than fail at a big reach. Ross Greene says that often when we’re thinking “they don’t wanna do it”, it’s really that “they can’t do it… yet.” And that they need more skills, new resources, or more structural supports to be successful.
If they don’t want to do it, he says “make sure they’re fairly compensated.” If it’s just slightly hard or slightly annoying or whatever, it may need just a little motivation. If it’s a big stretch, it may need a big motivation. If your child has special interests, you could find a way to teach that skill within that interest. (When my youngest child was resisting learning to write and draw, we would ask him to write requests for treats, like “kiss” for a Hershey’s kiss or “Cheez-Its”, and he would draw if we would draw Star Wars characters that he could copy.) Or, if they have a big passion, you can use that as a motivator. (My oldest was very slow to potty train, and saying “here’s the dollhouse you want – it’s a big kid toy. As long as you can keep your underwear dry, you can play with it, but if you need to go back to pull-ups, that’s OK – we’ll put the dollhouse away for a little while till you’re ready to be a big kid.”) Don’t force the learning, but show them there is a value in learning this new skill.
Now, you don’t want to overdo rewards. There are downsides to rewards. But sometimes it is a way to move your child forward toward something you want them to learn.
This year has been an especially tense year related to politics in the United States. “Every year the American Psychological Association takes a look at the leading causes of stress in the U.S…. This year… all the usual suspects like money, health and family are still wearing people down, but one issue is dominating – politics… the future of the nation… 80% of Republicans rated it a top stressor, so did 79% of Democrats and 73% of Independents.” (NPR)
When parents are stressed, we tend to be less patient, get annoyed more quickly – sometimes over-reacting to small things. Our children feel that stress and may wonder if they are doing something wrong that is the reason their parents are unhappy, or may worry that bad things will happen to their family.
If you’re feeling stressed about the election, admit it to your child – let them know that they are right about what they are noticing about your feelings. But also reassure them that they have done nothing wrong and you are not upset at them. Also, reassure them that things will be OK in the end – I know that you yourself may not be feeling confident right now that things will be OK in the long run, but this is a time to dig down for whatever optimism you have, or faith or resilience, in order to reassure your child.
I have an approach for talking to kids about anything that scares them or scares you or raises your anxiety levels high – it’s especially relevant to things we may feel we have little control over (like national elections!).
Be thoughtful about how much exposure they have to the issue that is concerning
If they bring it up, or ask a question, don’t avoid it, just answer it briefly with a simple reassuring explanation.
Talk about how likely (or unlikely) the thing you’re worrying about is to happen.
Tell them what will be done to prevent bad outcomes as fall-out from that.
Reassure them that even if bad things happens, people are tough and resilient, and pull together and make it through.
So, to apply that approach to the election:
Be thoughtful about media exposure:
While you might be tempted to doom-scroll media and social media binge for all the most recent updates, try to save that for times your child is not observing you. If you are checking on things, just remind your child that their world is OK, you just have some worries about things in the outside world but that they are still safe and loved.
In 2016, when my child was almost 6, I did something that I wouldn’t recommend you repeat – I came home from work at 8:30 pm on election night and was upset and turned on the TV to watch – he heard it, got out of bed, and came to watch with me. We were all up VERY late that night, upset over election results. (And I imagine that other parents may have had a similar experience on election night 2020 for opposite political reasons.) A better choice would have been for me to turn it off, get him settled for bed, and then do what I needed to do to process the results. And I could have reassured him from a belief that I DO hold, even though it was hard to hold in that moment: as MLK said “Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”
Responding to their questions
Even young children will hear about the election – I remember when George W Bush was up for election (and with the whole Bush v. Gore hanging chads saga) my older kids who were early elementary at the time had lots of questions. Answer questions as simply as possible, then ask them if they have more questions before continuing to info dump your own anxiety on them.
For younger children, say under 8 years old, I would focus as much as I could on optimistic perspectives, reassuring them that they’ll be OK, and focusing on the things in our personal life that we do have control on and not as much about the broader world that we have less control over.
How Likely / Reducing Harm
RIght now, I have a 13 year old who follows me around asking me “the polls are so close, who’s going to win?” I tell him that millions of people around the world want to know that, and nobody has a good answer to that. Then he asks me again, “yeah, I know, but what do you think is going to happen?” I acknowledge that he’s feeling anxious and that it’s hard to sit in uncertainty.
He wants to know what will happen after the election – he has a lot of worries about what things will be like if one candidate wins.
Because my child is a teenager, I talk more openly about what challenges we would likely face over the next four years, and also talk about what people and organizations who are politically aligned with us will be doing to help mitigate the harms. And about the idea of checks and balances – while not perfect by any means, different governmental systems can reduce the most extreme policies.
Resilience
I also talk about how I’m coping with my own worries about that by thinking about all the positive reasons that I think that even if things are hard for a while (especially for certain marginalized groups), over the next many years things will get better. I talk about the ways that our society has progressed over my lifetime and his grandparents’ lifetime – progress is not fast or easy, but it does bend toward justice. We also talk about what we can do as individuals to help with that progress.
Self Care
If you need support processing your worries about this election, reach out to friends and family. Or, if there is political strife within your friends and family, search online for things like Facebook groups or Reddit forums where you can find people who share your views to help you not feel so alone. (Note: if a forum is soothing to you, stay in – if it just escalates your emotions even further, move on from it.) Do the usual self care things – sleep, get outdoors for a walk, eat well. We’ll get through this.
The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes by Pett and Rubinstein. (Video) This tells of Beatrice, famed far and wide for never making mistakes. One day she slips and almost makes a mistake. She worries about that all that day. She watches friends ice skating but is afraid to join them because she doesn’t want to risk falling. At the talent show: “for the first time in as long as anyone could remember, Beatrice made a mistake. And it was a big one!” She ends up laughing about it, then starts taking more risks, and trying things like ice skating – where yes, she falls down a lot, but she also has lots of fun. Great read-aloud for age 4 – 7.
The Most Magnificent Thing by Spires. (Video.) A little girl wants to make the most MAGNIFICENT thing. She draws it out, and knows exactly how it will work. But when she tries to make it she fails again and again and gets very discouraged. But then she looks at all the things she made, finds the best thing about each, tries again and succeeds. People love all her “failed” experiments and take them home to use. Great read-aloud for ages 3 – 7. I appreciate that it really shows her emotions and how she deals with them, and lets kids know it’s OK to make mistakes.
Rosie Revere, Engineer by Beaty. (Video) Rosie dreams of being an engineer, and builds cool stuff out of trash, but then her uncle laughs at her and she stops inventing till Aunt Rose (Rosie the Riveter in her later years) comes to visit. They build a heli-o-cheese-copter. It only flies for a moment and Rosie is discouraged, till Aunt Rose says “it’s the perfect first try! This great flop is over, it’s time for the next”. They keep building together. Ages 3 – 7.
Jabari Tries by Gaia Cornwall. (video) Jabari wants to build a flying machine to fly across the back yard but it keeps crashing. He reluctantly lets his little sister help, and in the end, gets inspiration from her that leads to success. Nice story with a Black family that includes being inspired by Black inventors and engineers and also shows Dad encouraging a frustrated child to take a break, take a deep breath and try again. For more inventor themed books, check out Izzy Gizmo and Audrey the Amazing Inventor.
After the Fall (How Humpty Dumpty Got Back Up Again) by Santat. (video) Humpty loves sitting atop the wall, looking at birds. But after he falls and is put back together again, he develops a fear of heights and lives a sad life dreaming of flying. In the end he overcomes his fears and learns to soar.
Pete the Cat – I love my white shoes by Litwin and Dean. (video) Although I find many of the 60+ Pete the Cat books to be disappointing, this first one is magic. Pete’s walking along, singing his song, steps in a pile of strawberries, blueberries, and so on. Does Pete cry? Goodness no, he just keeps walking along singing his song.
All of those books model the Growth Based Mindset. If you’re looking for a book that is more explicitly about the mindset, you might also like:
The Magical Yet by DiTerlizzi and Gomez. (video) Talks about how failing at something (riding a bike) can be disappointing and make you want to quit trying. Then talks about the importance of keeping trying till you succeed. Protagonist is a person of color.
Beautiful Oops – Saltzberg (video) is a fun lift the flap which shows how to turn things like an accidental drip of paint, or a stain from a spill, into art. Ends with this message: “When you think you have made a mistake, think of it as an opportunity to make something beautiful.”
Book of Mistakes – Luyken (video). Shows illustrations in progress as the artist keeps making adjustments: “It started with one mistake… making the other eye even bigger was a bigger mistake… but the glasses – they were a good idea.”
The Dot and Ish by Reynolds – this is a two pack of books. In the Dot (video), a child named Vashti is afraid to try drawing. She makes one dot on the paper. The teacher frames it! Vashti decides she can paint a better dot, and makes dots of all sizes and colors. Then she encourages others to try. In the Ish (video), Ramon loves to draw anytime, anywhere. After his brother makes fun of one of his drawings, he gets self-conscious and crumples all of his artwork. Then he discovers his sister has been saving and hanging his art. He learns he doesn’t have to draw the perfect house – something that’s house-ish is just fine. He starts experimenting with drawing-ish, poems-ish, and so on, just enjoying creating.
Note: the book links are Amazon affilate links – I do get a small bonus (at no cost to you) if you click on these links and then purchase anything on Amazon. The videos are on YouTube – I encourage you to use them to preview but then purchase a legitimate copy of the book or get it from your library. It’s important to support authors and artists!
More Good Days with Kids 