Author Archives: Janelle Durham

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About Janelle Durham

I am a parent educator and social worker, and teach music and science to children age 1 - 8.

Child Care Basics

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For an infant or young toddler, your options for child care providers include family or friends, nannies, au pairs, family child cares, and child care centers. Let’s look at each:

Family, Friend or Neighbor Care

Many children are cared for by grandparents, aunts/uncles, or family friends – this is actually the most common form of child care. This care might be provided in the child’s home or the home of the caregiver.

The advantages are that the caregiver is someone that the parents have a long history with who will also likely continue to be a part of the child’s life for many years. So it can be part of a loving, connected relationship built on trust. There may be shared language, culture, and traditions. This type of care tends to be the most flexible schedule option so can work especially well for people with non-traditional work schedules or on-call responsibilities. Plus, family care is often offered free of charge or in exchange for room and board or other arrangements.

Some disadvantages are that the caregiver can sometimes feel unappreciated or feel like they’re being taken advantage of, and the parents and caregivers may have more conflict over the “right way” to care for the child. These can be navigated but it’s important to be sensitive to the need for open, honest dialogue. Also, while some family members provide excellent, stimulating learning environments for the children, that is not always the case, since family members are less likely to have training in child development and child safety. (Note: Zero to Three has great child development resources to share with family caregivers, and here’s a list of child safety topics that all caregivers should be aware of.)

Tips for choosing this type of care: https://www.childcareaware.org/families/types-child-care/ and making it work for your family: https://www.childcareaware.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/All_in_the_Family.pdf

Nanny

A nanny is a professional child care provider, who comes to the child’s home to provide care (some nannies are live-in care providers). The parents are the employer and they set the terms of a contract: what the schedule will be, what services will be provided (e.g. will the nanny provide any housekeeping or meal prep in addition to child care) and hire a nanny that agrees to that contract. The advantages are that you can customize the agreement to your own needs, a nanny is someone who has chosen child care as their profession and typically has a passion for caring for children, and the same nanny may remain with your family for years, providing continuity of care. The disadvantage is that the hiring process can be quite lengthy (and you have to understand taxes and insurance – though working with a nanny agency can ease some of the burden). And if the nanny is sick or quits suddenly, you may have to scramble for a new plan.

Some families nanny share – this plays out a lot of different ways, for example, the nanny is with family A on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and with family B on Thursday and Friday – this is good for families with part-time work. Or the nanny watches both children every day in family A’s home – this is good for parents who want a playmate for their child.

Learn more about how to hire a nanny. And questions to ask a nanny in an interview. Or check out How to Choose the Best Nanny.

Au Pair

Au pair refers to someone from a foreign country, typically between the ages of 18 and 26. Like an exchange student, they live in a host family’s home and attend school part-time (6 credits) while also providing child care as “part of the family.” They will stay with a family for 12 months. The family provides room, board, and a small salary. (Maybe $450 a week vs. $900 a week for a nanny in the same market.) The schedule can be more flexible, working around the parent’s work schedule and the au pair’s classes, but with a maximum of 45 hours of child care provided each week. Advantages: low cost, exposing your family to a foreign culture and possibly another language. Disadvantages: the au pair may or may not be that interested in child care – for some, this is just a way to visit a new country. One year commitment.

Au pairs are more for older children than for babies. They can not be placed with a family whose baby is less than three months old, and can only be placed with an under 2 year old if they’ve had a special 200 hours of training.

Learn more about nannies and au pairs: www.care.com/c/live-in-nanny-vs-au-pair-whats-the-difference.

Family Child Care

Providers care for children in a home / residential setting. Typically there are one or two caregivers and a small number of children, with a range of ages. Some are licensed and follow safety and health requirements, some are not.

Advantages: many families like the home-like environment, in a smaller setting your child receives more individualized care. If you have two children of different ages, they can be together at child care rather than separated into age groups as they would be in a larger child care setting. Fewer people in the child care setting means less potential for exposure to illnesses. There’s typically a consistent caregiver, with less turnover. Often lower cost than nannies or child care centers.

Disadvantages – if you’re reliant upon one person for child care, then if they get sick or go on vacation, you may not have child care – be sure you know what their plans are for these contingencies. Because there’s only one (or two) caregivers, if they aren’t good, it’s not a good situation. (For example, I once toured an in-home day care where the provider said they rarely watched TV, but I got the sense from the placement of the TV that it was used frequently to keep the kids’ attention occupied. This was not in alignment with my goals for my child’s care.) It’s especially important that the parent and caregiver have a respectful relationship and feel they can trust each other.

Some family child cares have very flexible schedules, some have inflexible schedules. It depends upon the caregiver.

Child Care Aware has an excellent, comprehensive Family Child Care Checklist to help you evaluate a provider.

Child Care Centers

Child care centers are larger facilities, typically with a director and many care providers. Children are typically divided by age group – for example, the infants room, the toddler room, the preschool age, etc. Some centers are non-profits run by churches, schools, or non-profit agencies. Others are for profit and may be owned by an individual or a chain.

Advantages: If a caregiver is ill or has a vacation, typically their absence can be easily covered by someone else, so your child care needs are consistently met. Some parents prefer the single-age groupings where all the toys and activities are specialized to that age group. Some (more expensive) centers may offer lots of activities such as gymnastics classes or music classes. They have to follow the most safety regulations and have more regular inspections.

Disadvantages: There may be a higher level of turnover of staff members and less chance for your child to develop a relationship with a consistent caregiver. Less individualized care. More exposure to illness may mean your child is sick more in their early years (but may be sick less as they get older, since their immune system has had lots of training.)

Check out Child Care Aware’s Child Care Center Checklist for questions to help you evaluate the quality of a center.

For Washington State Families, Child Care Aware offers a very helpful brochure on Choosing a Child Care on Child Care Centers and Family Child Care. It includes info on steps to finding quality child care, staff to child ratios and group size (in WA, for babies under one year, there’s a maximum of four babies per adult caregiver and a maximum group size of 8 children), and financial options.

Learn more

Child Care Aware also offers a helpful overview of types of child care that’s worth checking out.

Interoception

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While you may be familiar with the five senses (hearing, sight, taste, smell, touch), there are more than that, including: vestibular (am I balanced), proprioceptive (where is my body in relation to the things around me, and interoception.

Interoception is your perception of your own internal states: are you hot or cold? are you hungry or thirsty? do you need to pee? poop? move your body to a more comfortable position? are you sick? is your heart racing?

Developing Interoception

When a baby is born, they display the most basic of “feelings”. They are content, or they are distressed. That distress is often caused by an internal experience, such as hunger, fatigue, or pain. But they do not yet have the life experience to interpret what those sensations mean, and what would fix them.

That’s where parents and caregivers come in. We do our best job of guessing what they might need and meeting that need. If we guess right more often than not, they soon learn that when they feel this particular set of internal cues and then they eat, they feel better. Eventually they learn to label it as hunger, and someday they learn that they can eat before the hunger pangs hit to ward off that feeling.

Learning to tune into and trust our internal cues helps us to take care of our bodies. For example, stopping eating when you’re full honors those cues, and can be helpful for developing healthy eating habits. Being told “you have to finish all the food on your plate” teaches you to ignore those cues and keep on eating.

Interoception and Emotions/Behavior

As we get older, noticing and interpreting internal cues is so helpful for taking good care of our bodies, but having interoceptive intelligence also helps us with emotional and behavioral regulation.

We’ve all experienced being “hangry.” When you’re hungry, the smallest irritation sets off a disproportionate wave of anger. We know that when a child is tired, they get cranky or sad. Letting a child move and change positions during group time can help them be comfortable and help them pay attention. When a child just can’t sit still in a class, it is often worth asking whether they need to pee.

If your child is having lots of tantrums, it’s easy to interpret those as behavioral choices. But it’s worth asking yourself – is it possible that instead they are sensory meltdowns? When a sensory meltdown happens, the best way to calm it is with co-regulation. You as the caregiver stay as calm as you can, speaking quietly, holding them gently until they get back to calm. The bridge from them needing your help to calm themselves to being able to calm themselves down to them being able to notice internal distress and dispel a meltdown before it happens is interoception.

How can we help build a child’s interoception?

For babies: notice their cues, do the best you can to interpret them and respond to them promptly. This helps your baby learn how their body signals tell them what they need and how those needs can be met.

If we ignore bodily issues, we teach them to ignore them. If we change a wet or dirty diaper promptly it helps them realize that when they pee or poop something happens – that will help with potty training later. But if you often delay diaper changes, they learn to just ignore the situation, and are hard to talk into potty training later.

For toddlers and children, start to interpret their experience. “I notice you’re wiggling a lot, I wonder if you need to pee.” “You’re all sweaty now – I bet you’re hot. Do you think taking your coat off would help?” As with teaching emotional literacy, rather than telling them how they feel, phrase it with curiosity and questions that encourage them to tune in to those inner signals for themselves. “Hmmm… it’s been a long time since we ate, I wonder if you are feeling hungry yet?”

You can also share your own experience: “whoo – I’m really cranky right now… you know what I think is going on? I think I’m hungry and I notice that I get really cranky when I’m hungry.”

Don’t dismiss their experiences. If they hurt themselves, instead of saying “you’re fine”, say “it seems like that really hurts, huh? I’m pretty sure it will feel better soon, but what would help you now?”

When they’re younger, we might teach common experiences, like “if your stomach growls, it means you’re hungry.” As they get older, we can talk about how everyone has unique body experiences: “if you’re feeling worried, where do you feel it in your body? When you feel that way, what could you do to feel better.”

Understanding their own internal needs helps them to meet those needs, and helps reduce the chance that those needs will distract them from learning and from behaving well.

Learn More about Interoception and Sensory Regulation

(Side note: Enteroception with an e is a subset of interoception, and refers specifically to the senses of your gastrointestinal system – hunger, fullness, and urge to have a bowel movement.)

Talk, Walk, Squawk

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In a meeting yesterday, I learned something that was a new idea to me: teaching kids that when another child is doing something they don’t like, they should “Talk, Walk, Squawk.”

I have learned that it is a fairly common “bullying prevention strategy” taught to elementary school students. I think the method would also work well with preschoolers, but I would never present it as bully prevention at that age. When preschool age children push, or steal a toy, or say something that feels hurtful, it’s very rare that it’s an intentional “bullying.” They push because it’s hard to wait for your turn on the slide when your impulse control is still developing, they take a toy because they want to play with that toy and their empathy is still developing, they say whatever comes to mind without being aware how it could feel to someone else.

But I do like the basic idea at the preschool level, because it gives kids an easily understood collection of options for what to do when another child is doing something that bothers them. (Note: some examples describe this as “what to do when someone is being mean to you”, but that assumes ill intent from the other person.)

You could choose what order to teach them in: some start with a “walk away” plan – you can always choose to remove yourself from the situation; some start with “stop” – first you say “stop” to quickly let the other child know you don’t like what’s happening; some start with “talk” – explaining what you don’t like (although I’d recommend instead teaching to explain what you would like the other child to do instead – we know children are more likely to respond well if you tell them what TO DO, instead of what not to do).

It’s also important to teach “Squawk.” You could think of this as “tell a grown-up”, but I prefer “ask a grown-up to help you problem solve the situation.” The tell a grown up approach could fit into a more authoritarian model where the grown-up intervenes and punishes, the ask a grown up for help fits better in a model where you’re supporting the children in learning their own problem solving skills, and learning what it means to interact well with others.

You can also teach children how to respond to being told to stop. Stop what you are doing, take a deep breath, try doing something different or asking a grown-up for help. They should know that if someone says stop, they should stop, even if they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.

Resources: More info about the Stop-Walk-Talk method; A sample social story, a sample poster.

Key Principles for Supporting Learning

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Here are key principles for how teachers can best support learning in an early learning classroom and how parents can do so at home.

Respect! Let’s commit to a fundamental belief that everyone (kids and parents) is doing the best they can given their developmental level, skills and knowledge, and challenges in their past and current environment. And… we all have bad days. When you have a bad moment, call yourself on it, apologize as needed, forgive yourself and commit to doing better. When someone else is having a bad moment, try not to assume the worst of them.

Kids do well if they can. If someone (kid or adult) is “mis-behaving”, ask yourself: What skills do they lack? What support do they need? What stressors are making it hard to do well right now? When those things are noticed and addressed, behavior improves.

Everyone does better when they know what to expect and what’s expected of them. Consistent routines, clearly explained expectations (not “unwritten rules” they need to guess), well thought-out limits and follow-through on promises (both promised rewards and promised consequences) create an early learning environment where a child can do well.

All feelings are OK. (Not all behaviors are.) We all have lots of big feelings. We’re all learning how to manage them appropriately. When a child is calm, we can teach appropriate ways to express feelings. When someone has big feelings, it helps to validate that. If their feelings led to bad behavior, also address that: “Wow, you were mad she took your toy. I understand. But you hit her, and that was not OK.”

When someone flips their lid, co-regulate before anything else. When we are calm and feel safe, we have access to our whole fully developed brain. So a young child can speak in sentences, follow the rules, make fairly good choices. But, when we are really scared, or sad, or mad, or just overwhelmed by too much stimulus or too many demands, we “flip our lids.” We can’t speak, we can’t be reasoned with… If you have a child who is in full meltdown, it’s not the time to teach or to explain or to ask them to make better choices. Instead, co-regulate. Get yourself calm, get down to their level, speak in a quiet voice. Set clear limits and tell them what needs to happen next.

Every kid is unique and has different needs and capabilities. I teach multi-age classes, so our kids are at different developmental stages. But even children of the same age can be very different. Development is asynchronous, so you might have a child with high skills in one area and low in another. Also, we all have different interests, different temperaments, different sensory and support needs, different degrees of flexibility before we hit a breaking point. If you find yourself worrying that your child is “behind” other children, or find yourself judging other children for areas they’re struggling in, remember this range. Judge each child’s progress based solely on – is this child progressing well from where they used to be

Kids are little. They’re still learning. Young children are practicing everything. Practicing kindness, practicing sitting still and listening, practicing good choices, how to do things without making a mess. They’re going to make a lot of mistakes along the way or have days they’re not doing well. We just keep working on it. Instead of telling them “don’t do that”, tell them what TO DO. Instead of assuming they know how to behave well, tell them what would be a positive action to do in that moment.

Growth Mindset / Power of Yet. “You can’t do it yet, but you’ll get there.” At times, a child can almost do something – they’re working on a puzzle, and they know how it’s supposed to work, but just can’t do it. That is super frustrating!! Don’t feel like you have to rescue them – sit by their side for support and encourage them to keep trying – suggest things to try but don’t jump in and solve it. When they make mistakes, say “hmm, we learned something that doesn’t work. What else could we try.” But… also notice when something is just too hard (or at least too hard in this moment). Teach that it’s OK to say “I can’t do this yet. I can set it aside and try again some other time.”

Process over Product. With crafts, we might offer a sample of what a final product could look like. But the process is always more important. We can honor a child’s right to make their own choices about what to do. (As long as they’re following the “make don’t break” rule.) What they learn in the process of doing something is more important than the product. So, while you are can help them to do it themselves, don’t just jump in and do it for them so it will “turn out nicer.” That’s not the point!

Freedom Within Limits. Everyone Gets to Feel Safe. Everyone Gets to Play. We try to give children lots of choices. They’ll make some good choices and some bad. We want to let that happen so they learn from their mistakes. But, for the sake of safety (physical and emotional) and fairness, parents and teachers must set appropriate limits. We decide what options are on the table, and they decide from amongst those good options. If they do something unsafe or unfair, we set limits. For example, rough and tumble play is tons of fun, but only if everyone has consented and everyone stays safe.

Four Keys to Brain Development: Novelty, Repetition, Downtime, and Safety. Every time we experience something for the first time, we make new connections in our brain. Novelty is so exciting! Every time we see something familiar or repeat something we’re good at, we build competence and confidence. Repetition and routine is soothing! None of us can be learning and doing all the time. We all need breaks to rest and integrate new learning. Finding a balance of novelty, repetition and downtime and ensuring a child always feels safe and loved is the best way to support learning.

Handout

Here’s the handout version of this post – feel free to share anywhere.

12 Key Principles for Supporting LearningDownload

Music Books for Kids

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Check out my recent post on sound books for the big picture on interactive books where kids press a button to play a sound. This post focuses on some great music-themed sound books. (Pressing a button starts a song, pressing it again stops the song.)

At the bottom of the post, I have a video, where you can hear a sample of what each of these books sounds like.

Disclaimer: Pirouette Kids sent me two of their books to review. This post includes my unbiased review of those books, and info on books from other publishers for comparison.

Pirouette Kids

Their focus in on “music beyond nursery rhymes”. They have four books at this time, the two I review below, plus World Music and Classical Music.

Some overall impressions: I like the size of the books – easy to pack, easy for small hands to hold. The pages are sturdy. The buttons to activate the music can be a little tricky for a child to spot for the first time, and activating them requires pressing precisely on them (a fine motor skill builder) but they work reliably. The speaker is on the back – so, if it’s laying flat on a surface, it is much quieter than if held upright. (That can be an advantage if you’re holding the book as you can adjust the volume a bit. If the child is using it lying flat on carpet, it’s pretty quiet.)

The books can be purchased on Pirouette’s website for $18.99 each.

Pirouette’s I Discover Folk Music

This board book has snippets of 6 folk music tunes (Oh Susanna, This Land, Little Liza Jane, Sarasponda, Home on the Range, This Little Light). Each page has the lyrics for 3 or 4 lines of the song, and a button that plays a 15 second clip. They are all performed by the same musician – Daria, who is pleasant to listen to and not cutesy / chirpy as many performers are when doing children’s songs. The illustrations by Margarita Fomenko, which feature animals doing human things, are pretty cute.

I like the choice of songs – it expands outside the typical kid songs repertoire but still all quite accessible. The 15 seconds is really short. It works OK on some songs, like Little Liza Jane feels complete on its own, but many feel like a song is just getting started then gets cut off abruptly. (They do have full versions of each song available on Spotify and there’s a QR code on the back of the book that takes you there.) For me as an adult who knows these songs well, they leave me feeling a little incomplete, and I wish they could wrap up a full verse or chorus. But that likely won’t trouble a child who is new to these songs.

Overall, it’s a cute book with nice tunes you might not find elsewhere, and I would recommend it.

Pirouette’s I Discover Blues Music

This book has snippets of 6 blues songs – recordings by original artists. There are 3 vocal tracks: Goodnight Irene by Jerry Lee Lewis and his band (1958), Careless Love by Big Joe Turner (1958), See See Rider by Louis Armstrong and Velma Middleton, and 3 instrumental: John Henry Blues by Erskine Hawkins and his Orchestra (1950), Old Stack O’Lee Blues by Sydney Bechet and Nicholas Blue Five (1949), Jumping at the Woodside by Buddy Tate and his Celebrity Orchestra. I love that they included the “real” versions of these songs, and chose songs that children are unlikely to be exposed to elsewhere (a few of these are even new to me, and I thought I had listened to a lot of old blues!) I love the John Henry Blues especially.

Illustrations by Sakshi Mangal are cute, and show animals doing human things. Since many of the songs are instrumental, instead of having lyrics on the page, they have information about the tune, and questions to ask a child. Here are two examples.

and

On Pirouette’s website, they have links to where you can find full versions on Spotify. (Though there’s not a QR code on the book to point you to this page.) A caution though: these are blues songs, so some of the lyrics in the full vocal performance aren’t kid friendly, for example, See See Rider says “I’m gonna buy me a pistol, Just as long as I am tall… Kill my man.” But you can also find instrumental only versions of the tunes. For Good Night Irene, there are kid friendly versions of the lyrics.

These song clips are again only 15 second snippets, but it doesn’t bother me on these like it did on the folk music one… since I know they’re long songs it makes sense that it’s only a sample vs with the folk songs, sometimes I felt like if they’d just had one more line of the chorus it would have felt more complete.

I definitely appreciate the way this book helps to stretch our repertoire of “fun music for kids to listen to.” I recommend it.

Ditty Bird’s Chinese Children’s Songs

Ditty Bird has LOTS of books. Sounds, Songs, Bilingual… the one I reviewed was Chinese Childen’s Songs Volume 1 It includes 6 songs: Two Tigers, Where’s Spring, Little Donkey, Picking Radish, Good Little Rabbit, Where’s My Friend. I love that these are traditional Chinese songs. I do not speak Mandarin but the reviews say the pronunciation is good and that traditional Chinese instruments are used. The recordings are pleasant to listen to. They are as long as they need to be for the complete song, so 12 – 25 seconds.

They include the lyrics, in pinyin and traditional characters, and an English translation. (Unfortunately the English words don’t seem to scan to the tune.) I wish the lyrics were printed in a larger font for all of us who are over 40 to read! The illustrations are cute, showing animals in Chinese settings, wearing both traditional and modern clothing.

Like the Pirouette books, this is a nice small, sturdy board book, with the speaker on the back. The music buttons seem to be the same technology – so they work well, though do require a child to put their finger in a specific place. It is $19.99 on Amazon. (affiliate link). Reviews on Amazon say that durability can be an issue, with some reviewers reporting the buttons stopped working.

I purchased this book because I mean to learn some children’s songs in Mandarin, and although there are many YouTube videos and other resources online, I have not been remembering to use them. Having a physical book on the table reminds me to listen.

I recommend this book too.

Bao Bao Learns Chinese

This company has 3 Chinese books, plus similar books in: Tagalog, French, Spanish, Korean and English. I reviewed their Chinese Volume 1 which includes 6 songs – some traditional Chinese – Two Tigers, FInd a Friend, and Mama is the Best in the World, and some traditional English – Itsy Bitsy Spider, Row Your Boat, and Twinkle Twinkle. It includes lyrics in English, pinyin, and Mandarin. (In a larger font than Ditty Bird.) The Mandarin words do line up with the English tunes. But I can’t make the English words scan well to the tunes for the Chinese songs.

This is a bigger book – a little harder for little hands to hold. The soundbox is to the side of the pages. It does have two volume settings to choose from. Since the buttons are off to the side, a child has to figure out which one to press to get the song that matches that page – the image on the button is just some small portion of the image that’s on the page, so I’m not sure it’s obvious to kids which image goes with which page. (And the soundbox has random shaped openings for the buttons that don’t really line up with the illustrations.)

Songs repeat twice so recordings range from around 30 seconds to 85 seconds. The repetition helps with learning. They’re nice recordings and very pleasant to listen to. They offer super helpful resources on their webpage, like information on how to pronounce Mandarin words, and videos where they talk you through the lyrics of each song, clearly enunciated so you can get the pronunciation right. (I wish they had a QR code on the back that would take me right to that page.) $28.99 on Amazon.

For learning Mandarin songs, if I had to choose just one of Bao Bao or Ditty Bird, I would choose Bao Bao, but am happy to have both.

Singing with Go Go is Fun

There are LOTS of Go-Go books. Including English, Spanish, Mandarin and a Christian themed line. They are $29.99 each. I have the “9 Creative Nursery Rhymes” volume. (I’d swear that what I put in my Amazon cart was one of the Go Go Mandarin books, but this is what Amazon says I ordered and what they sent….) It has 9 songs – Humpty Dumpty, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Jack and Jill, Wheels on the Bus, London Bridge, Mulberry Bush, Muffin Man, I’m a Little Teapot, and Mary Quite Contrary. Many of the songs are pretty traditional, but on Itsy Bitsy and Jack and Jill, they added a little riff at the end, and the Wheels on the Bus became “the Go Go Bus goes round and round.”

This is another large board book, with the controls on buttons off to the right side. There are two volume settings, controlled on that side panel. The child needs to figure out which of the 9 buttons matches the song for the page they’re on (the 10th button is just announcing the name of the book). Songs are up to 60 or so seconds.

Personally, I don’t like the style of these recordings. They’re like Barney the Dinosaur vibe – just a little too enthusiastic / peppy with kiddie pronunciation. I’m not a fan.

Hear samples from every book: