Tag Archives: Temperament

The Slow to Warm Up Child

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Any early childhood educator can tell you that some children leap with both feet into any new situation, trying new things, chatting easily with strangers, and rolling with any new experience that comes their way. Other children will enter the classroom slowly, hover on the edges (or behind their parents’ legs), gaze around with big eyes, duck their head when someone talks to them, and be hesitant to try new activities. These children get labeled as shy or timid or resistant, and the implication is often that there’s something wrong with the child or some problem they need to outgrow.

Let’s instead think of these kids as the slow to warm up kids. They need time to observe a situation, time to figure out how things work, space to decide whether they feel comfortable with someone, and respect for their right to move at their own speed. If they feel pressured to change, then they can turn into shy kids… shyness often is based in a fear of being judged negatively.

Instead, we can accept that this cautious approach may be a core part of their temperament, respect that introverts have many important strengths, give them plenty of time to flourish in their comfort zones, and also give them concrete tools that help them when they need to take on new experiences.

Understanding Temperament

Temperament is used to describe a child’s in-born personality. Researchers talk about 9 different temperament traits, and then how they cluster to form personality types. The slow to warm up child may be: cautious of new situations, slow to adapt to change, sensitive to things like noise and bright colors/lights, serious, and low activity level. Some also have very intense reactions to challenges.

There is no temperament type that is the best or the worst – they’re just different. Whether a child’s temperament is easy to work with or challenging often depends on “goodness of fit” with their environment and with the people in that environment. If a parent is an extroverted athletic person, and their child is as well, and they are running and shouting on the playground together, that’s a good fit. That child and parent may not fit as well at library story time. Or if that parent has another child who is slow moving, hesitant to try new things, and likes quiet places, that’s not as good of a fit.

For all children, no matter their temperament, it is helpful to them to have plenty of time in “good fit” settings – if they are in places they feel comfortable, with people they are comfortable with, and doing things they enjoy, they will really thrive. The science of brain development shows us that when children feel safe, their oxytocin flows and their brains have a high degree of neuroplasticity – they are open to learning and growing. When children are stressed and anxious, it is harder for them to learn. So prioritize finding safe spaces for them where they can relax and learn.

And… all children also need to learn how to stretch – how to push outside their comfort zone and cope with settings that aren’t as easy, and work with people who might not do things in the ways they would be most comfortable with. So, caregivers can give slow-to-warm up children challenges that help them work out their adaptability muscles. We can and should have them try things that are hard for them. But when we do that, a little extra support from their parents and teachers can help them to be successful.

Could it be more than just temperament?

Some parents with a slow to warm up kid wonder – could this be autism?

There are some common characteristics. A slow to warm up kid may not like sudden loud noises, and that can look like sensory processing issues that are common amongst autistic children. A slow to warm up kid may avoid eye contact, as does an autistic child. Autism is a spectrum disorder – some children display intense behaviors that are unmistakable. Others are more subtle and could be hard to tell apart from a slow to warm temperament.

A key question could be: once your child has warmed up and is comfortable somewhere, do they engage in play and learning in ways that are similar to most other children? If they continue to act in ways that seem different from other neurotypical children, you might choose to learn more about autism and about assessment and see if that feels like the right description for your child. Keep in mind that about 15% of children are slow to warm up and about 2% of children are autistic.

Either way, here are a bunch of ideas for how to help a slow to warm child be successful.

Set the Stage

Sometimes you’ll choose things that are way outside their comfort zone. But let’s make sure they have practice also with things that are “proximate” to their comfort zone, where there’s only so many challenges to manage once.

  • Are they more comfortable at home than elsewhere? Then host playdates on your own turf before trying the other child’s house.
  • Choose the time of day when your child is most relaxed and flexible for any new activities.
  • Pair a new activity with a familiar activity. “After we try the new music class, we’ll go to the library and pick up some books to read.” (Just be careful not to set it up as a punishment/reward that comes off as “after you do this thing you’ll probably hate, then you get to do something you like” – present them both as positive experiences.)
  • Is your child sensitive to noise and crowds? Then visit places at the least popular times so there are fewer people. (One parent’s child was invited to a Saturday party with all their classmates at a trampoline gym. They went to the gym by themselves on Tuesday morning to get familiar with it before the big party.)
  • Will your child be expected to wear unusual clothes (a gi, a leotard)? Let them wear them at home before the class.
  • Consider choosing parent-child classes or co-op preschool where you volunteer in the classroom rather than drop-off programs for a while till your child is more comfortable with new people.
  • Choose long-lasting programs. When my oldest child was little, we’d do a 4 week gymnastics class, then a 5 week art class, then we’d go to story time a couple times, then we’d try music class. He never got to settle in anywhere. With my other kids, I tended to choose things like play-based preschools that included tumbling, art, story time and music all in that one familiar setting we could attend with the same families for months.
  • Have a babysitter come to your house and watch the children while you’re still at home but busy so your child gets familiar with them and enjoys their attention before you leave them together for the first time.

Preparing – What to Expect

Slow to warm kids do better when things are predictable – they know what to expect and what is expected of them. You can help with this by:

  • Showing them pictures or videos of the activity you’ll do or the place you’re going
  • If possible, visit the location before the event you’ll be attending – you may want to try observing a class before joining the class
  • Review what the schedule will be – what activities will happen and what will be expected of them. Don’t leave out things just because they’re obvious to you… it might be obvious to you that before you go swimming you’ll go into a locker room and change into swimsuits – but if your child doesn’t expect this, it could be one more challenge for them
  • If you can meet the teacher before a class, or meet some of the other kids before an event, that can help
  • Try reading books or watching videos about similar experiences
  • Do pretend play to practice what the activity will be like

Getting Things Off to a Good Start

Make sure the first day goes as well as possible!

  • Allow plenty of time to get there so you’re relaxed, not rushed.
  • Arrive early so you and your child can be some of the first to enter the space. That will be so much better for them than arriving in a classroom that is already full of strangers.
  • Let your child come in gradually, and engage slowly when they’re ready. You may sit together on a bench at a playground for a while before they decide to play.
  • If the teacher greets your child, don’t push your child to respond. If the teacher asks a question, give your child time to respond – don’t jump in too quick to answer for them. If they are clearly not ready to respond, answer the question for them. (But don’t apologize for them! If a child always hears their parent say “sorry – he’s shy”, that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can talk to the teacher at another time, out of your child’s earshot, to let them know that your child is slow to warm and give suggestions on what seems to help.)
  • Many young children do best in a new setting if the parent sits down on the floor and lets the child sit down on their lap and observe for a while. Let them decide when they’re ready to move away – don’t push them before they’re ready. Every time you push them forward one step, they’ll retreat two.
  • If your child needs to make decisions, give them time to think through their options. Let them know they can change their minds later.
  • For drop-off programs, have a goodbye ritual you do each and every time: help your child plan what they’ll do next (“go sit with your teacher so you can hear the story” or “as soon as I go, you can try out the play-dough table”), say your goodbye and walk away as if you’re totally confident that they’ll do fine without you.

Your Parenting Style

Slow to warm up kids can be frustrating for parents. It can seem like they are stubborn, and you may feel like you should be pushing them more. But try to be flexible. If you push, they may get even more resistant.

Slow to warm up kids who worry a lot can cause parents to worry a lot. If you take the sink or swim approach, they may be even more frightened of future challenges. Try to be patient. Empathize with their worries but also convey confidence that they can be OK and they can take on any challenge with the right support.

Never shame your child for their temperament or compare them unfavorably to others. (“Why can’t you be more like _____?”)

Let your child know that you love and accept them. When you ask them to try new things or face their fears, you’re not trying to change them or fix them. You just want to help them grow so they have more opportunities.

Help them Understand their Own Temperament

We want to be careful not to overly label a child and define them as only one thing. Both positive labels and negative labels can limit a child… a child who is labeled a graceful dancer may be hesitant to try sports, a child who is labeled as wild tends to stay that way.

However, thinking about categories can help people understand themselves and help them to feel seen and understood. So, as a child moves into their elementary school years, you don’t want to say “you’re so shy, it’s so hard for you to go into new settings.” But you can say “I’ve noticed that when you go somewhere new, it takes you a little while to warm up. Some things I’ve tried that seemed helpful to you were…” Or “you’ve noticed that some other kids seem to have an easy time trying new things and making new friends, and it feels harder for you. I know you just need a little more time to settle in. But I also know you get there eventually. Remember when…”

The Strengths of Slow to Warm Up Kids

Slow-to-warm kids tend to be great observers, noticing details others don’t. They tend to have good impulse control and think before they act. They may not have a lot of friends, but can be very loyal to those they do connect with. They can be very empathetic. When they are comfortable somewhere, they can be just as happy and just as adventurous as any child.

Look for Role Models

Find friends, family members or others who have that cautious personality. Ask them to talk to your child about what helps them and how they’ve learned by stepping outside of their comfort zones.

Books and Videos

I found some books about kids who are shy, or who worry or whisper. These might be nice reads for you and your child to help them feel seen and maybe inspire them to step outside their comfort zone a bit. Find the recommendations here: https://gooddayswithkids.com/2022/02/13/books-for-shy-kids/

You can also choose videos that have shyer, quieter characters like Daniel Tiger in the original Mr. Rogers, not just loud and bold characters. Help them see the strengths of all personality types.

Resources

Here are helpful resources where you can learn more about how to support a slow-to-warm child.

Your Unique Child

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In my classes this month, we’ve talked about “Your Unique Child: the Influence of Temperament, Gender, and Learning Styles on How you Parent Each Child.”

The key takeaway points from our discussion on “Your Unique Child” are listed below, and I’ve included links to other posts on these topics.

  • Children are born with distinct personalities. We can use concepts like Temperament, Learning Style / Multiple Intelligences and Gender and Introvert / Extrovert to help us better understand them.
  • However, we don’t want to “label” our children (as “the shy one” or “the wild one” or “the musician”) because that limits our view of them and limits their ability to grow and develop into all that they are.
  • There are not good or bad temperaments. But, there are goodness of fit, and badness of fit. A high activity child has “goodness of fit” on the playground, but not in the library. A very regular, routine-oriented child might “fit” well with a similar parent, but not so well with the free-spirited parent.
  • It’s good to know your children’s strengths, so you can give them plenty of experiences that let them use those strengths to build their confidence.
  • It’s also good to know what your child struggles with. On a good day, we may gently push their comfort zones to encourage growth in those areas. But, on a day when we’re tired and they’re tired, or we’re away from home, it may be easiest to adapt to their temperament accommodating how we need to in order to make it through the day. (So, our sensitive child may need a quiet day at home. Our active child may need a day running at the park. Our routines kid needs to bring routines from home wherever he goes.)

Lots more resources on temperament listed here.

More thoughts about temperament

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In a recent post, we looked at toddler temperament and how it effects parenting. I listed 9 different temperament traits – for each one you might list where your child lies on the continuum.

Some researchers and authors have tried to distill these down into four common types, or five common types. Check out the categories below, and see if you think any of them describe your child.

Clusters of Traits

When researchers looked at the 9 categories, they observed three common “clusters” of traits.

Easy Child, aka Flexible – 40%. This child is predictable, open to new situations, extremely adaptable, positive mood, average activity level, and don’t over-react to stressors. An easy child can fit into any environment, is likable, and helps the adults around him/her to feel successful. The downside is that this child can be overlooked or forgotten in a crowd when attention is focused on kids with ‘problems.’

Slow to Warm Up, aka Fearful or Cautious – 15%. May have low activity level, be afraid of new people and new situations, slow to adapt to change, sensitive, and serious. With too much pressure, this child has melt-downs. On the other hand, if he’s never pushed, he may never make any progress. With preparation, support, and gentle, respectful encouragement, this child can do well. This may require a lot of patience on the part of the caregiver who will need support from peers to manage their frustrations.

Difficult, aka Feisty – 10%. Fussy, unpredictable, with-drawing, hates change, negative, and has intense reactions to things that disturb her. This child is exhausting to all around, leaving caregivers angry, resentful, incompetent, confused. This child can be hard to like, and tends to get negative feedback from those around him. Looking for the child’s positive traits and helping to bring those out, and reduce the impact of the negative traits will help over time. Caregivers need breaks from the child, and support for their challenges.

35% of kids didn’t align with any of these clusters of traits. Some have proposed adding the “Active” child, who is similar to the easy child in many ways (positive mood, not over-sensitive) but can be so active he exhausts his caregivers. This child benefits from LOTS of physical activity. It doesn’t mean that you don’t ever take him places where he needs to sit still (church, movies, etc.). But before going to those places, you may stop by the playground to run off some energy!

Tracy Hogg’s 5 types

The Five Temperaments

You may also run across information about the “5 temperaments” from the work of Tracy Hogg author of Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers. Here’s how those types line up with the 9 traits.

Angel Toddler: Moderate energy, predictable, approaches new situations easily, very adaptable, less intense reactions, happy, easy to distract from no-nos. Adapts well to any style of parenting.

Textbook Toddler: Moderate activity, VERY predictable, can be shy at first but quickly adjusts, loves routine (low adaptability), low sensitivity, moderate moods, moderately persistent. Likes routines.

Touchy Toddler: Not regular / predictable, slow to warm up to new situations, not adaptable, HIGH sensitivity, intense reactions, very low distractibility / high persistence.  Needs structure/predictability.

Spirited Toddler: VERY active, bold in new situations, moderate sensitivity, high intensity, high persistence. Needs clear limits, and an outlet for their energy.

Grumpy Toddler:  Active. Sensitive, intense reactions. Negative mood / hard to please. Needs space, control/choices.
To learn more, go to www.ivillage.com/five-toddler-temperaments/6-a-144861; or take a quiz to determine your baby’s type: www.babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=52283.0;wap2

Here’s a list of all the sources I used for my two posts on temperament:

Recommended overviews

Your baby’s temperament, The parent-baby fit http://www.todaysparent.com/baby/baby-development/your-babys-temperament/

Why Time-Out Doesn’t Work for All Kids and Other Secrets From Temperament-Based Parenting at http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Why_Time_Out_Doesnt/

Recommended online quizzes – include customized tips for how to parent a child with your child’s temperament

The Ready for Life temperament quiz (www.readyforlife.org/temperament/quiz/start)

The Infant Toddler Temperament Tool (IT3) http://www.ecmhc.org/temperament/index.html.

Other sources I used

Tips for creating a “Goodness of Fit” between a child and his parents and environment: http://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/unique-child-equation/temperament/understanding-goodness-of-fit/

Goodness of Fit Worksheet for Both Parents to complete: http://parents2parents.ca/files/pages/Goodness_of_Fit_Worksheet_P2P.pdf

Parentmaking. Rothenber, et al. 1995.

How to parent with different temperaments. www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/how-to-parent-with-different-temperaments/

“Temperament and Goodness of Fit” – http://resources.childhealthcare.org/cocoon/dtw/temperament.html

http://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/challenge-of-difficult-children/goodness-of-fit-how-temperament-determines-need/

Parenting your child’s temperament: http://www.babyzone.com/kids/discipline/child-temperament-part-one_73349?page=3

What kind of temperament does my baby have? http://resources.childhealthcare.org/details.do;jsessionid=9E410BA3645AF819662AB5F47E8856EF?id=8121

Is your child’s temperament a good fit with yours? www.deseretnews.com/article/765573111/Is-your-childs-temperament-a-good-fit-with-yours.html

The Importance of Temperament: https://www.childdevelopmentmedia.com/importance-of-temperament-in-infants-and-children-chess-thomas

Early Childhood Temperament Sorter: http://parentingbytemperament.com/earlychildsort.php. Note: this is a GREAT tool for parents of children age 4 – 8. It offers a quiz to determine your child’s type and your own type, and then tips on how to manage both. Not really suited to a toddler.

Understanding Your Child’s Temperament

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From the day they’re born, our children are individuals, with distinct preferences and unique ways of being in the world and interacting with others. One way to understand and explore these differences is through the lens of Temperament. Temperament traits are the inborn, instinctive way that we respond to stimuli and environments. As parents, understanding our child’s temperament helps us both to accommodate their needs – helping our day-to-day lives go more smoothly – and also to gently challenge them to learn flexibility and other ways of responding.

There are three steps to applying temperament to our parenting:

  1. Learn about your child’s temperament
  2. Learn about your own temperament and about whether you and your child are naturally a “good fit” or whether you’ll need to work harder to understand each other
  3. Tailor your guidance and discipline methods to find a parenting style that suits your temperament and meets your child’s needs

One caution before we get started: Avoid “labeling” your child. Distilling all the joys and challenges of your child’s personality down to one label means missing part of the magic that makes them unique and special. Also, once a child is labeled as “difficult”, or “shy”, or “hyperactive” it tends to shape everyone’s interactions with the child, and may make it harder for the child to move beyond that label to develop all the sides of her personality.

9 temperament traits

In the 50’s, Chess and Thomas developed a theory of 9 inborn traits. Think about each of these, and where your child falls on the spectrum of that category.

Activity level: is your child always on the go, so full of energy that it’s hard to keep up? Or is he more laid-back, likely to sit quietly, and move slowly?

Regularity / predictability: In terms of biological functions, does your child eat, sleep, and have bowel movements at the same times each day? Or is there little pattern or predictability?

Approach or withdrawal in new situations: Is your child bold and enthusiastic, always willing to explore, try new activities and meet new people? Or is she shy, clingy, hesitant to try something new, and only comfortable with something after many exposures / much repetition?

Adaptability: Does your child move easily from one activity to the next and adapt quickly to changes in his environment? Or does any transition in activity, or disruption to his daily routine, upset him?

Sensitivity / Threshold of Responsiveness: Is your child easily startled by sudden sounds or disturbed by bright lights, uncomfortable clothing, and unusual smells? Or is your child blissfully unaware of things that trouble others?

Intensity of Reaction: How strongly does your child respond? Are all her reactions big – either ecstatic or miserable or outraged? Or is she pretty mellow and low-key – content or bummed or annoyed?

Quality of Mood: Is your child generally happy and optimistic, smiling and laughing easily, recovering quickly from disappointments? Or is your child moody, negative, serious, or difficult to please?

Distractibility: Is your child easily sidetracked, and easily distracted from what she’s doing? Or does he tend to stay focused on one thing for a long time, ignoring what’s happening around him? (Remember that for a toddler, a “long time” may not seem very long to us as adults!)

Persistence: Will your child pursue the same activity for a long time – even if he’s frustrated by something, he’ll keep on trying? Or does your child lose interest in things quickly, moving on right away if something starts to frustrate her?

After reading through this list, do you have a better sense of how your child reacts to his world?

Please remember: A child’s temperament is neither good nor bad. For example, a persistent child can be exhausting as parents try to distract him from things like electrical cords, but that same child may someday excel in school, pushing through any difficulty until succeeding at an assignment.

Understanding your child can improve your interaction. For example, if you have a child with low adaptability, who struggles with transitions, and with a tendency to withdraw in new situations, then you adapt your parenting. For example, if next week you’ll be going to a company picnic at a park your child has never seen, you could talk to your child about it in advance, bring along familiar toys to comfort her, give her space to retreat back to your reassuring arms, make sure she’s well-rested and well-fed, and so on. You could even go to the park this week and get familiar with it without the added pressure for her of meeting several strangers at the same time. These steps accommodate her temperamental needs. But, you won’t give up on taking your child new places! You’ll need to gently challenge this child to grow and build the skills to be more adaptable and more adventurous over time, and give her the tools to calm the anxiety she naturally faces in these situations.

Your temperament

Once you’ve examined your child’s temperament, think about your own. (And your co-parent’s temperament.) Where are you similar to your child? Where are you different?

Goodness of Fit:

Sometimes a child’s temperament is a good match for his environment, which may make him seem like an “easy” child, and make it easy for parents to feel successful – this is “goodness of fit.” Sometimes a child’s temperament is not compatible with the expectations of her environment, and this makes her seem like a “difficult” child and makes the parents feel overwhelmed and incapable of good parenting.

The child’s ‘environment’ is composed both of the social rules and expectations of a particular setting, and the people around him, who all have their own temperaments which influence their interactions. If a child with a high activity level and high intensity level is on a trampoline with his high activity level parent, that’s a goodness of fit, and everyone has a good time with peals of laughter. But, put that same child at library story time, or pair that same child with a low activity level parent who has a high level of sensitivity and is easily overwhelmed by noise and activity, and nobody has a good time.

If you often feel like your child is hard to manage, or you’re often frustrated by behavior that just doesn’t make sense to you, it may be that you and your child have a temperament mis-match. Learning more about your own temperament and about hers, and thinking about how to adapt your usual approach to better match their needs may lead to less conflict. For example, if you really value your own persistence and enjoy focusing on one thing for a long time, but your child is very distractible and gives up and moves on to a new activity whenever anything is challenging, you may find yourself frustrated in the moment, and also worrying about long-term issues like success in school. Can you shift your expectations for how long your child will stick to one activity? Can you learn to appreciate what she gains by moving through a range of experiences? (And yes, over time, you will work with her to gently build her attention span and persistence.)

If, on the other hand, you generally feel like your child is easy to relate to, but certain situations really set him off, consider whether some aspect of his temperament is at play. For example, your child may be happy and easy-going most of the time, but whenever you go somewhere that is very loud and busy, he clings to you or tantrums or hits other children. This may be a child who tends toward withdrawal in new situations and is highly sensitive to his environment. You could reduce problems with some creativity: for example, you might go to a fair as soon as it opens in the morning, leaving before it gets crowded and loud. Or go to the zoo on weekdays when there will be fewer people. Or take your child to the special “mom’s day at the movies” screenings – they turn the volume down lower than it is typically played. When going somewhere for the first time, you may need to accept that your child may only want to be there for a short time before he needs to retreat back to home territory. As your child gets older, you’ll work to help him learn ways to cope with being over-stimulated, and how to calm himself in those situations, but you won’t try to do that on a day when he’s sick or tired or hungry!

Understanding the influence of temperament on how your child responds to his environment and how she reacts to the people she encounters can help you smooth things over when needed, and guide you in understanding where your child most needs your help to develop skills that don’t come naturally.

For more information

Recommended overviews

Tips for creating a “Goodness of Fit” between a child and his parents and environment: http://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/unique-child-equation/temperament/understanding-goodness-of-fit/

This summary worksheet from Amiable Home is a really excellent overview of temperament types and ways that parents can respond to their unique child: https://gooddayswithkids.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/38588-temperamentchart.pdf

Guides to Supporting Certain Personalities

Recommended online quizzes

The Ready for Life temperament quiz (www.readyforlife.org/temperament/quiz/start) not only allows you to score your child’s temperament traits, it then yields a collection of customized parenting tips. For example: “Tips for Working with a Child Who Is Very Persistent: Alert teachers that she often needs some notice to be able to stop her activity and move on. Encourage family members not to give in to her wants all the time. Allow him to keep unfinished projects somewhere to complete after dinner, chores or other activities. Repeat and continue songs, games and books until she is satisfied. Remember he is not stubborn, just persistent and that can be a good thing!”

The Infant Toddler Temperament Tool (IT3) http://www.ecmhc.org/temperament/index.html. Scores both you and the toddler. Then gives you customized “Goodness of Fit” Recommendations. For example: “Your child is less adaptable, you are highly adaptable. Here are some ideas to support the fit between you… Try to establish a normal daily routine. Try not to introduce too much too fast. A new child or teacher in the classroom might be scary or confusing for him, so react sensitively. Allow him to not participate in a new experience if he/she is having difficulty adapting.”

I will list the rest of my sources in my next post.