Tag Archives: preschool

Self Discipline and Impulse Control

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temptationOur goal for discipline, in the long-run, is to make ourselves obsolete. Our children need to learn to discipline themselves… We don’t want a child who only behaves well because we praise him for it. Or one who only avoids misbehavior if she thinks she might get caught and punished. Or one who has no real sense of what is good and what is bad unless we’re standing there interpreting the situation.

We want to raise adults who are capable of controlling their impulsive behavior, capable of working hard for a delayed reward (or even no reward other than their satisfaction with a job well done), and who have such a strong internal sense of right and wrong that it guides their every action, and who do what’s right simply because they can’t imagine behaving differently.

Impulse Control and Simple Ways to Teach It

To succeed in school and life, kids need to be capable of: sitting still when they want to move, being quiet when they feel like talking, not letting other kid’s misbehavior lead them astray, and so on.

Lots of childhood games and parenting methods are all about teaching this. Try these:

  • Sing the “Clean Up Song”. Stopping playing and cleaning up takes a lot of self-control.
  • Sing songs like “You shake and you shake and you stop.” Play stop-moving-while-playing games like “Red Light, Green Light” or “Musical Chairs” or “Freeze Tag”.
  • “Simon Says.” It’s hard to hold still when someone says “touch your nose” and touches theirs!
  • Play imagination games like “pretend you’re a castle guard – how long can you stand still?”
  • Use “Emotion Coaching” to help acknowledge that although it’s always OK to have feelings, it’s not always OK to act on them. Help them learn ways to manage their feelings.

Delayed Gratification and Simple Ways to Teach It

Some day your child will be an adult who needs to do her job every day, even when she doesn’t feel like it, so that at the end of the month she gets a paycheck and can pay her bills and then purchase some treat she wants. How will she do that well? If you start teaching delayed gratification now.

  • Make them wait. When they ask for something, don’t get it immediately. Acknowledge the request, and tell them when you will do it. “When I’m done washing this dish, I’ll get the toy.”
  • Encourage children to take turns, wait in line, and share. Toddlers struggle with these things, but we start laying the foundation early so they get it as they get older.
  • Let them get bored. Don’t feel like you have to entertain your child continuously. Sometimes their greatest learning happens when they have to get creative to ward off boredom.
  • Teaching manners also helps. When they drop something on the floor, and scream for it, say “Ask me nicely, and I will pick that up for you.” And then mosey your way over to do that.
  • Offer rewards they need to work for. “If you put away your toys, I’ll read 2 books at naptime.”
  • Be a consistent and reliable parent. If your child can trust that you fulfill your promises, they will be much more willing to wait. Check out this post on the “marshmallow experiment” to learn more.

Right vs. Wrong and How We Teach It

As our children go out in the world, they will continuously encounter new situations, with new ethical dilemmas. We won’t be there to interpret all of these situations for them, so we want them to have their own sense of right and wrong. How do we teach that?

  • We continuously model how we would like them to act. (When we do things we don’t want them to do – yell, swear, etc. – we may apologize for our bad behavior. Don’t just hope they don’t notice, because they do. I      won’t tell you what swear words my 3 year old knows!)
  • We talk about our values. When we read books, or watch TV, or see people out in public, we make observations about the behavior we like. (It’s tempting to criticize bad behavior, but it is more effective to tell      them what TO DO, rather than what not to do.)
  • We praise them when they “do the right thing”, especially in situations where that’s hard. (Like sharing a favorite toy, or apologizing for upsetting someone.)

To Get Involved or Not

One question parents often face is how much to intervene. If children are battling over toys, or pushing to see who gets the next turn on the slide, or threatening to hit, when do we step in? The answer varies a lot by culture. Christine Gross-Loh, in Parenting without Borders, tells about her experience watching kids on the playground in Japan. What she was used to, from American playgrounds, was that parents would quickly step in and referee conflicts between children. In Japan, parents did not intervene. They let the children work it out. They viewed playground battles, the crying that results, and making up as normal and natural ways for children to learn how to get along with others. What impact does that have as children get older? One researcher looked at Japanese and American 10 year olds. When asked why they should not hit others of be mean to them, American children said it was because you don’t want to get in trouble with a teacher or parent. Japanese children said you shouldn’t hurt others because it’s wrong and would hurt their feelings.

Wait for It – The Developmental Timeline of Self-Regulation

This self-discipline is a long time in coming. Our toddlers have a very hard time controlling their impulses, and rely on us almost completely for guidance. Pre-schoolers are better at self-control. And elementary aged kids are even better.

But, to be honest, we need to expect even our 17 and 18 year olds to still have regular lapses in judgment and moments of rash action. That’s because the part of their brain that is responsible for planning, impulse control, and making complex judgments (the prefrontal cortex) is still developing. They often make decisions in the moment based on their limbic system (the part of the brain which processes emotion). Anger, fear, excitement, peer pressure and sexual attraction can inspire adolescents (especially boys) to do things faster than the prefrontal cortex can slam on the brakes.

When they make their inevitable poor decisions, you’ll be glad you’ve got 17 or 18 years’ worth of practice at positive discipline and that you have already built a strong relationship based on trust and respect, but in which you’re still the “boss” of them.

Scaffolding

We can’t expect our toddlers to have self-discipline. We hope our teenagers will. How do they get there? Through “scaffolding” – a process where in their early years we intervene a lot and give lots of clear explicit guidance, but the older they get, the more we hang back, the more we wait for them to find their own solutions, the more we help them reflect on their responses and what they could have done differently. As we fade back, they take on more responsibility for their actions, and live more with the consequences that result.

Learn More:

Self-Regulation: www.parentingcounts.org/professionals/parenting-handouts/information-for-parents-self-regulation.pdf

Video that does a nice overview of benefits of self-control, and gives parents tips for how to help their child learn: www.king5.com/news/learning-for-life/Parent-to-Parent–196937571.html

Photo credit: http://www.freeimages.com/photo/734909

 

Here is a printable handout on Self discipline. Find more handouts on my Resources for Parent Educators page.

Choosing a Preschool – Questions to Ask

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After you’ve thought about your goals for a preschool and made a list of local options, you can learn more about those options by looking at their websites, going to open houses and visiting. Here are some things you’ll want to think about as you do that:

What do they teach?

  • They should work on all the “essential skills” areas listed here. If they don’t, you may need to think about how you’ll work on that skill at home or elsewhere.
  • You should see materials and planned activities that help children build: large motor skills (playground, balls, dance), small motor skills (puzzles, craft supplies), critical thinking skills (sorting games, pattern making), life skills (putting on their shoes, hanging a coat in a cubby), social skills (unstructured playtime with others), music, art, literacy (books, story time), math skills, and pretend play (dress-up corner, dolls, kitchen). This reveals a well-rounded attention to the development of the whole child.
  • Some schools also have a specialty focus: nature-based, language immersion, arts, academic, religion. These can be excellent, but may not cover all the essential skill areas. Again, you might think about how to supplement them. For example, if your child attended a very structured academic program each morning, you’d plan time for unstructured self-guided play, and free play with other kids in the afternoon. You might also choose two preschools… my oldest child went to a theatre preschool two days a week which was very focused on storytelling, acting, and singing, and was structured so that they could produce a mini-play at the end of each month. Another two days of the week, he went to a broadly-focused play based cooperative preschool.
  • What is the daily schedule – how is time divided between the subjects taught? Play time? Quiet time? Outdoors? Snack? Children this age have short attention spans for structured activity, so it’s best in short doses, and they need plenty of unstructured time in between to explore and discover. (Note: If children are at a preschool/child care all day, they should have a naptime/quiet time on the schedule. Quiet time for rest helps us to absorb what we learned during class time.)

How do they teach it?

When you start looking at preschools, you discover a whole world of jargon you never knew: play-based, emergent, teacher led, benchmarks, co-op, Waldorf, Reggio Emilia, and so on. It can be overwhelming.

Let’s look at two opposite ends of the spectrum of preschools:

  • Structured / Teacher Led: A teacher-led curriculum (may also be called didactic or standards-based) means the teacher prepares the lessons in advance (it might be their own creation or they may use a curriculum written by someone else) and sticks to it. Children are expected to all be doing the same activity at the same time.
  • A play-based / child-led preschool (may also be called emergent or constructivist) follows the children’s interests. They typically have multiple stations set up and allows children to move between things when they choose, spending as long as they want at an activity. The teacher moves around the room, making suggestions and observations to further the learning. Learn more about play-based preschool and activity stations at a play-based preschool.

Most preschools fall somewhere in the middle. You can get a sense of it by looking at their schedules. If you see lots of transitions, and a schedule that says something like “Morning meeting 9 – 9:20, math 9:20 – 9:40, blocks 9:40 – 10, music 10 – 10:20… “, that’s a very teacher-led plan. If the schedule says “Morning gathering 9 – 9:10, free choice time 9:10 – 10:30…”, that’s a play-based format. You can also get a sense of it by looking at classroom materials – If there is a shelf of matching workbooks, that’s a more standardized curriculum. If there are 10 different books about dinosaurs and trains and kittens, that’s a child-led school. Or you can look at artwork that’s displayed: if you see 18 different pictures of a snowman made of three circles, a top hat, button eyes and a carrot nose, that’s a teacher led project. If you see a crayon drawing of a rainbow next to paper covered with star stickers next to a collage with sequins, tissue paper and pompoms, that’s a play based art process display.

If you want more information on types of preschools like: Montessori, Waldorf, Reggio, forest kindergarten, and more, check out my post on Types of Preschools.

When considering which method you prefer, it’s worth keeping in mind what we know about brain development (see this post): Children learn best through hands-on experiences with tangible materials, through interaction with engaged human beings, and in environments where they feel safe and happy.

Who are the students?

  • How many students are in the class? The number of kids per group matters as much as the student to teacher ratio does. For example, a 12 student school with 2 teachers (6:1 ratio) will feel very different from a 24 student school with 4 teachers (6:1).
  • What is the age range of the class? Some parents prefer that all the kids be as close as possible in age to each other, but many schools tout the benefits of multi-age classrooms. The oldest kids have a change to lead and mentor and may build empathy for the younger ones, and the younger ones benefit by the presence of an older role model.
  • What are the cut-off dates for age? It’s usually August 31 or September 1. If you have a child born in August, they might be the very youngest child in a program for 4 year olds. A September baby would be the very oldest. But if you’re able to find a program for 3.5 – 5 year olds, that would put them more in the middle…
  • Diversity? Are all the kids like your kid? Are all the families like your family? Or different? Which do you prefer?
  • Neighborhood: Do the kids in the program live near you? (This allows for easy play-dates outside of class, and maybe carpooling options. If you commute to a school, it can be harder to arrange play-dates.)
  • Families: If you’re doing drop-off, it may not matter as much to you because you may not interact much with them (except maybe at birthday parties), but if you’re looking at a coop you may ask more and observe more about what kinds of parents participate to see if they feel like a good match for you.

Who are the teachers?

  • Student/teacher ratio. For three year olds, NAEYC recommends a maximum group size of 18, with a student/teacher ratio between 6:1 and 9:1. In general, the smaller the better for individual attention.
  • Training. Do the teachers have degrees in early childhood education? Do they attend continuing education opportunities? Do they read books about child development in their off hours?
  • Teachers should have CPR and first aid training. There should be emergency plans for the facility.
  • Longevity / turnover. Learn how long the teachers have been there. If there are lots of new teachers in and out all the time, not only does that mean your child won’t gain the benefit of experience or consistent caregivers, it also may mean that the teachers don’t enjoy their work there! Generally, the longer the better. (Although on rare occasions, longevity can mean burned out teachers and uninvolved supervisors… That’s why we also watch the teachers to see if they enjoy their work!)
  • Do they enjoy kids? Do they sit on the floor with the kids, smile, and engage with them? Or are they standing on the edges talking to other adults, occasionally calling instructions to a child?

How do they handle discipline? What are their rules and how do they reinforce them? How do they deal with inevitable conflict between kids? How do they respond to hitting and biting? Is their discipline style similar to yours? It’s best if children have consistent experiences between home and school.

What is the learning environment like?

There are many things you can learn about a preschool on the web and over the phone and by asking friends, but really the in-person visit is the best opportunity to really learn what the school feels like.

  • Clean and Safe: Is the environment clean? Safe? Well-lit and ventilated? Are there procedures for cleaning? Policies for sick children? Fire extinguishers? First aid kits? Appropriate child proofing?
  • Materials: Is there a wide range of toys and supplies? Look for things which build large motor skills, small motor skills, imagination, literacy, number skills, social play. It’s OK if everything isn’t shiny and new. But, you do want to see materials in good condition. You want to see “enough” toys, but not so many that it’s cluttered and chaotic.
  • Outdoors space: Do they have a place to play outdoors? How often do they use it? Do they go out when it’s raining? If not, do they have some place for kids to run and move?
  • Look at the art on the walls: If it’s all the same, that tells you a teacher is focused on product more than process and very actively guides the process. If there’s a wide range of art, it shows kids are given creative range. Probably for a three year old class you want more free choice exploration, for a four year old class, you might look for more signs of structured learning.
  • Look at the ratio of desk space to open space. If the room is filled with desks, it’s clear that’s where children are expected to spend their time. If there are areas for children to move around, explore, learn socially and learn independently that shows the school values a wider range of learning experiences.
  • Look for worksheets. I once visited a school that talked a lot about how all children proceeded at their own pace, but then I saw a stack of workbooks and skimmed through. Every child was on the same page.
  • Look at the books on the shelves: non-fiction? Fiction? Personally, I want to see a mixture. Children benefit from learning factual information from non-fiction books, but their imagination and creativity benefit from good story-telling.
  • Vibe:  The most important thing you’re “looking” for is something you can’t see. How does it feel? Is it warm, nurturing, full of exciting learning experiences, and full of happy children and teachers? Or is it cold, institutional, uninvolved? We know from the science of brain development that children learn best when they are happy, so look for a place where they will be happy and engaged.

Making the Choice

After you visit a school, give yourself some time to reflect on what you’ve seen. Sometimes what feels like love at first sight sours on further reflection. And sometimes a school that didn’t seem right at first glance may grow on you. Don’t let yourself be pressured by schools that attempt to create a sense of urgency by using words like “waitlist” and “we can’t promise there will still be space” and “only one space left.” Yes, there’s a chance that a preschool will totally fill up while you’re deciding, but if it does, there are plenty of other good options out there. Assuming you live in an area with multiple good preschools (like Seattle’s Eastside!), you can trust that you’ll find something that works for you.

Often the right answer for your child may be a combination of options. Maybe you choose a two-day-a-week academic preschool and a two-day-a-week play-based. Or maybe you choose a structured five-morning program for your child, but ensure that your afternoons include quiet time at home and unstructured play with friends. Or maybe you “homeschool” on the academic skills, and seek out one-day-a-week dance classes, language classes, and so on. Choose the routine that works for you and the experience you want your child to have. Children benefit emotionally from a predictable routine. And their brains benefit from a wide array of experiences. You’ll have to work to find the balance that is right for your family, and right for your child’s temperament.

Choosing a Preschool: Step 2 is learning about your options

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optionsOnce you’ve decided what your needs and goals are for preschool, you’re ready to make a list of local programs.

Get familiar with available options: look at parenting magazines or newspapers or the yellow pages. Do web searches. Find an accredited program: www.naeyc.org/academy/accreditation/search. Search for local child care and preschools, go to www.childcarenet.org/families. Go to preschool fairs.

Ask your friends, families, co-workers and other parents at the playground for recommendations. (As  your child gets older, one of the best sources for recommendations for the next level of schooling is to ask your child’s current teacher(s) or coach for recommendations.)If someone says they LOVE a particular preschool, ask why! It could be that something they love would totally turn you off. Or their family might have different needs or goals than yours. We all have different things we’re looking for.

Once you’ve got a list of interesting options, do more research. Read the school’s website in detail. Call to ask more specific questions. Go to open houses. Most open houses are in January and early February, so start looking early! (Note: if your child is a young toddler, and won’t be old enough for preschool for another year, you’re still welcome to check out open houses early. Sometimes it’s nice to begin checking things out early when there’s no pressure to make a decision.)

Once you’ve narrowed your list to three or four choices, absolutely go visit! They may have an open house (which may or may not allow you to bring your child along). They may have adult-only visits during the school week where you can go and observe part of the session. They might (if you’re lucky) have child visits, where you can bring your child along to spend some time participating in the activities. The in-person visit is the most important part of the process. Sometimes you have a school that sounded great on paper, but when you get there, it just doesn’t feel right…

Check out my next post for questions to ask at open houses and visits.

If you’re in the Seattle / Puget Sound region, we have fabulous cooperative preschools based at each of our local community colleges. Learn more here.

Choosing a Preschool: Step 1 is figuring out your needs and your goals

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checkConsider your logistical needs for a preschool

Before you start looking at options, think about your “must haves” for preschool. It’s important to start here, because otherwise you might fall in love with a program and then discover that you can’t possibly make the logistics of it work for your family.

Things to consider:

  • Child care or enrichment:
    • Do you need your child to be cared for several hours a week while you work? If so, you may really be looking for child care. Some child cares offer a preschool component, but if your child is there for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, you don’t want all structured time. Children this age need a mix of structure and free play and down time over the course of a long day.
    • If you are primarily a stay at home mom, you may only need a few hours of child-free time a week, and may just be looking for a very part-time preschool for enrichment. You may choose a few hours a day, few days a week program.
    • Note: sometimes names are misleading. Some things called “preschool” do not offer learning experiences. They may be a day care that knows parents pay more for the name preschool.
  • Schedule: What do you need/ want?
    • How many days a week? Number of hours per day? Extended care?
    • Drop off or stay? Do you want a drop-off so you have some child-free hours? Or would you like a co-op where some days you stay with your child? Or would you like to do all parent-child programs. (They’re not called preschool, but there’s certainly dance classes, gymnastics classes and so on that you can do together.)
    • Do you have specific days of the week you must do? Absolutely can’t do? Or are you flexible?
    • What time is the earliest you could be there? What time is the latest?
  • Location: How far are you willing to drive two to three days a week? How far is your child willing to be driven? (Some parents find the “perfect” preschool a long drive from home, and only later realize that it’s not so perfect if they have a child who hates to be in the car!) What will you be doing while your child is at preschool, and would it be convenient to get back and forth to there in the time your child is at class? Is the location convenient for other family members / friends who might occasionally do drop-off or pick-up duties?
  • Cost: What’s manageable for your family? (Note: if all you’re finding when you search for preschool is expensive options, think about where you’re looking. If you look for ads in slick expensive looking magazines, you’ll see ads for expensive preschools that can afford expensive ads. Try asking friends, family, neighbors and co-workers what options they know of. There are a lot of preschools hidden in church basements with no advertising budget but great programs!)
  • Potty training requirements: If you’re looking for a preschool that will start several months from now, it can be hard to predict what your child’s needs will be. As a general rule, the majority of 2.5 year olds are not potty trained, so if you want to start preschool young, you may choose a preschool that doesn’t require this. The majority of 3 year old girls are potty trained (though not all), so it might be a safer bet to choose one that requires it. With boys, it’s less likely, so again, you might err on the side of assuming your son won’t be.
  • Parent Involvement: Do you want to volunteer in the classroom? Would you want to visit your child during the school day? Do you want communication from the school about your child’s day? In what form?

What are your goals for enrolling your child in a preschool?

Before you start asking for recommendations or before you start looking at schools just because someone else said it was great, spend some time thinking about your goals. What do you hope your child will get out of preschool? Look at the list of essential skills: where do you think your child most needs to grow? What are the things you feel least confident providing at home? What do you think will engage your child the most?

At every step of my daughters’ schooling, one of my goals was to choose a school that would preserve their love of learning. All babies and toddlers LOVE to learn new things… but sometimes a bad school experience can lead a young child to decide “I hate to learn” or “I’m bad at learning things” and it’s hard to recover from that. Each time my girls moved up to a new school, I wanted (and was lucky enough to find) schools that honored their passion for learning. It was actually the final deciding factor for my oldest in choosing a college – she chose the place where everyone she met on campus was passionate about learning – there were hugely excited about ideas and geeked out about everything from Dr. Who to the physics of musical acoustics.

In evaluating your goals, don’t just think about what you want your child to get out of it. What do you want to get out of it? Do you want to meet other parents? Choose a co-op program. Want to learn more about parenting skills? Choose a program with a parent ed component. Want a few hours a week when you’re not responsible for your child just so you can relax? Choose a drop-off program that has activities you enjoy nearby. Want your child to be exposed to nature but you’re an indoor person? Choose a nature preschool.

Once you’ve done these steps, you’re ready to start researching your options… check out my next post…

Note, if you’re having a hard time coming up with goals / reasons to send your child to preschool, you may want to check out this post on whether preschool is necessary for your child.

photo credit: Mufidah Kassalias via photopin cc

Is preschool necessary for all children?

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muddyhandsI’ve written several articles about how to choose a preschool.

But I want to address a more fundamental question: do all children need preschool? If so, how much preschool do they need? I know that some parents can feel a lot of pressure when the other parents in their social group are all talking preschool all the time…

I recently spoke with a mom who wasn’t feeling ready to send her just-barely-three-year-old child to school yet, but felt like she needed to put him in preschool so that he could learn what he was “supposed to learn”. This mom didn’t feel like she had enough to offer her child, and feared she wouldn’t “do it right.” When she asked her friends for recommendations, all the programs they recommended were 5 days a week, full day. She couldn’t imagine her child doing well with that much time away from her. She was struggling to decide what to so.

It’s important to realize that the learning needs of a preschool age child are really pretty simple and manageable for most adults to meet. Preschools don’t offer some magic formula for future success that the average parent can’t duplicate at home.

Studies show that for children from impoverished backgrounds, whose family members have less than high school educations, there is a very clear benefit to attending preschool in terms of basic skill development. (Learn more: http://tinyurl.com/bez9qra or read any of the many articles that address the research-proven benefits of Early Head Start.)

However, middle class children of educated parents will typically receive in their home environment the stimulation and guidance they need in order to be ready for kindergarten when the time comes, making preschool more optional.

Parents can ensure school readiness by paying attention to the essential skills listed in my last post and helping their children build them. Thinking of everyday life as a learning opportunity helps you to keep an easy focus on skill-building.

Many of these skills can easily be learned from family members at home – set up a craft zone to practice with all the school supplies, read books together, practice independence in dressing, feeding, and so on.

Other skills can be built by family trips out in the community – there’s a lot of math to be learned by watching you cook, lots of science to learn in a trip to the pet store to pick up dog food, tons of vocabulary in every trip to any store, and lessons in patience and self-control at the sushi-go-round.

Social skills and conflict resolution get put into practice during a trip to the park or an indoor playground and sitting down in a group and paying attention to an adult is the heart and soul of library story time.

There are two elements that are easily found in preschool that parents who choose not to do preschool may need to seek out options for:

  1. Times when your child is cared for and must obey an adult other than a family member. This doesn’t have to be a preschool teacher. It could be a babysitter, or a Sunday school teacher, or gymnastics coach, or almost any other caring authority figure.
  2. A stable group of children to play with many times over a long period of time. Most drop-in community programs won’t have consistent kids each week. So you may want to seek out a more intentional community of playmates: maybe neighbor kids if you’re lucky, or cousins, or kids at church, or Daisy scouts, or…

So, if you think your child is ready for preschool and would enjoy it and benefit from it, great! If you’re ready to send your little one off to preschool, great! Here’s information about how to choose the preschool that is the best possible fit for you and your child.

And you could still do all the things I describe above to support your child’s learning and they’ll benefit from that as well.

But, if you’re not ready to send your child to preschool, or you feel your child is not ready, hopefully this post relieves a little of the pressure you might be feeling about “needing” to put your child in preschool. Having more time with you, as their own personal, loving, one-on-one coach in life skills could be exactly what you both need for now.

Here are a couple blog posts where moms share their thoughts about why they’re not choosing preschool: http://playborhood.com/2011/01/is_preschool_important_for_all_kids/ and Is Preschool Necessary
photo credit: bzo via photopin cc