Tag Archives: Parenting

Getting through the Day with a Young Child: Daily Routines

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scheduleBenefits of Routines

Establishing a daily schedule with predictable routines can make life with a young child more manageable. Children feel confident and are more independent and competent when they know where things are, how things work, what to expect, and what steps need to be done in what order to accomplish what they need to accomplish. They are less likely to battle things (like cleaning up toys or brushing teeth) when they know they are just something that has to happen every day. They are less likely to melt down when they are well-rested and fed on a regular basis. Children feel safe and secure when life is predictable, and the more secure they feel, the more energy they can focus on playing, exploring, and learning. And for tired parents, routines mean that we don’t have to think as much about what to do next – we know! Instead of spending hours trying to decide where to go and never actually getting anywhere, we say “It’s Tuesday. Tuesday is library story time! And off we go. (And, of course, routines can be flexible when needed – you can change the plan, but it’s often nice to feel you HAVE a plan.)

Building a Daily Schedule

Start with mealtimes, naptime, and bedtime. Spend a few days keeping a journal of what you are currently doing, and see what the patterns are. Then write down what your ideal schedule would be. Make a plan for how to move in that direction. (For example, if your child stays up till 9:00 or 9:15 every night, you can’t declare that “starting tomorrow, you must go to sleep at 7:30.” But, you could do bedtime at 9:00 one night, 8:50 the next, 8:40 the next, and so on.)

Then fill in the rest of the schedule: together time, solo play time for your child, and lots of physical activity – I’d recommend a minimum of an hour a day of physical activity, but more is better. Build in hygiene habits (hand-washing, tooth-brushing), and clean-up times. If there are chores that need doing, put those just before a favorite activity, so they always know that as soon as they finish their clean-up they get to play.

Reinforce the routine by talking about “this is how we always do things.” You can make a poster with pictures of the daily cycle. [Note: Try to keep a weekend schedule similar to the weekday schedule.]

Morning Routine

If you have a child that wakes up earlier than you want to be up yourself, then make a basket of “quiet morning toys” for your room, and set limits on how/what they can play early in the morning, and how they know when it’s OK to transition to louder morning activities.

If you have a child who will sleep late and who you have to wake up, go ahead and spend time taking care of yourself, and getting yourself ready for the day first. Then put on some cheerful morning music, start with morning hugs and kisses, and read a few stories together to start them on their day.

Morning routine might include getting dressed, breakfast, brushing teeth, feeding the dog… try to do the same activities in the same order, each morning. You could make a small flip book showing the steps in morning routine. Hang it on their doorknob. They can walk themselves through it each morning.

Along the way, you can offer choices, but only offer simple options that you can live with, and keep the number of options small. A good rule of thumb is to take their age plus one: so, a one year old would be offered two choices: red shirt or blue shirt?

Getting out the Door

If you notice that every single morning, you’re stressed and yelling “hurry up”, start a new habit: do some work the night before to lay clothes out, prep some food, and so on. Also, whenever you return home from an outing, re-pack your diaper bag or whatever else you know you’ll be taking with you the next time you leave.

Set an alarm on your phone for ten minutes before you have to leave. When it goes off, remind your child of the steps they need to do to be ready on time. Tell them they can have a few more minutes of playtime, then you’ll start the leaving-the-house countdown. While they have their playtime, you get all your things ready to go so you can give them your full focus in those last few minutes. Two minutes before time to go, do the final steps of shoes, coats, picking up your bags and heading out.

Naptime

A “typical” one-year-old needs about 10 – 13 hours of sleep at night, and one or two naps (a total of 2 hours of nap.) A typical two-year-old needs 9.5 – 12 hours a night, and one nap (1.5 – 2.5 hours). Most children begin to give up naps by age 3, but you may still have a “quiet time” in the afternoon if that’s helpful for them (or for you).

To settle your child down, try an abbreviated version of the bedtime routine. If he falls asleep, let him go till he wakes himself. Don’t feel like you have to wake him to be sure he’ll sleep at night – good naptime sleep begets good night-time sleep. If your child won’t sleep, you can still enforce a quiet time in their room. Be very matter of fact that they must stay in their room for a certain amount of time, and can only get up when you say it’s OK. If you are consistent every day, they’re less likely to fight it. If they learn that sometimes you let them get up early, they’ll fight for that every single day.

Dinner Time

If dinner prep time is hard every day, then plan for it! Have an activities basket that only comes out at that time (keeps it special). Involve your child in meal prep. Give yourself plenty of time to get things done despite distractions. Planning out meals in advance can make this time less stressful. More mealtime tips here.

Bedtime Routine

Start your bedtime routine before the first yawn. Lots of kids will go from tired-but-not-yawning to yawning to overtired-wild-child if you wait too long. Start winding down about a half hour before bedtime: dim the lights, turn the temperature down in the house so they want to get under their snuggly blankets. Turn off all screens, for you and them. Consider a bedtime snack and/or a bath.

About ten minutes before bedtime, start final steps: pajamas and stories. Set clear limits on time and number of activities. Again, if kids learn some nights you’ll read 5 stories, they’ll ask for 5 every night!

Think about having multiple sleep “cues” that help cue your child to settle down but don’t let them become sleep “crutches” without which they can’t sleep. For example, your child might usually have: bedtime music, bedtime story, pajamas, and favorite stuffed animal. But not always all of them… that way if one night you can’t find the stuffed animal they can still sleep. Or if you’re travelling, and forgot pajamas, they’re still able to fall asleep in their clothes.

Adjust as Needed

Make changes to routine gradually. If you know a big change is coming, talk about it beforehand.

Resource

Everyday learning opportunities. 101 tips for incorporating learning in your day: www.pnc.com/content/dam/gug/PDFs/GUG_Eng_Everyday_Learning_Tips_Download.pdf

photo credit: woodleywonderworks via photopin cc

Sibling Relationships

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siblngsBenefits of siblings

When you search for the word sibling, the most common topics that come up are all about the sibling rivalry. But let’s start by looking at the benefits of siblings:

Siblings have lifelong companions. As children, there’s a built-in playmate in the house, a travel companion, co-conspirator and someone to bond with over how “unfair” their parents are to them. Throughout life, a sibling can be the longest relationship they experience – parents will likely die long before the children, but the sibling will still be there. Not all siblings are friends, and not all siblings love each other – that’s not guaranteed. But they do have a history together that no one can match.

When children go away to daycare or school or summer camp together, they may adapt better. Having the sibling along helps them separate from the parents more easily.

Living in close quarters with each other can help siblings to learn cooperation, conflict resolution, empathy, forgiveness, and understanding for another person’s point of view. This doesn’t happen automatically, but does happen with your support.

For the older child: having a younger sibling is a chance to be a mentor and role model, and a chance to practice responsibility. (But DON’T over-burden him or make feel TOO responsible. He should always know that you as the parent are responsible for the children.)

For younger siblings: Younger siblings get dragged along to lots of activities, but that can mean they learn things earlier: soccer, dance, etc. They can read and write and handle other academics younger because they have the older child as a role model. They have an opportunity to learn from older siblings mistakes (e.g. start planning for college sooner.)

Why siblings fight

  • Having to share their space and possessions all the time, every day.
  • Feeling they are getting unequal amounts of your love, or unfair treatment.
  • To get your attention.
  • Trying to define who they are as an individual, separate from their sibling.
  • Sometimes kids have put on their nice social graces for everyone else all day, and need a chance to vent steam with someone they know “has to” still love them later.
  • Because they’re there – conflict gets the adrenaline pumping, which can be fun!

Setting the stage for positive interaction

[If you’re adding a new baby sibling to the house, check here for tips.]

Personal space and possessions:

  • Teach your children that most toys are communal and must be shared nicely. However, each child has the right to set aside a special place and some special possessions that are theirs alone.
  • If the sibling wants to play with the special toys they have to ask, and it’s OK to say no.
  • For the communal possessions and activities, try to have toys and games that work at different levels that they can play with together – open-ended toys like blocks and play-dough are great.

Be fair and equitable. (Note: This doesn’t mean treating your kids exactly the same at all times.)

  • Make sure each child gets one-on-one attention from you at times – maybe a weekly “date” that’s all about connecting as individuals.
  • There are times only one child can do something both want to do (e.g. press the elevator button, choose where the family will have lunch). Have a way to track whose turn it is.
  • Make sure the kids have equitable, developmentally appropriate privileges and responsibilities. Don’t be overly harsh on your older child and don’t baby your younger child.
  • Apply the same rules to both kids at the same age. (So, if your older child had a 9:00 pm bedtime when he was 12 years old, your younger one should also have a 9:00 pm when she is 12 years old. Even if her big brother is now allowed to stay up later.)
  • If you change any of the rules over time because it’s the right thing to do (yes, we parents sometimes realize we were unreasonably harsh in the past) have a discussion with the older child apologizing that you made them live by a rule that you’re not asking of their younger sibling.

Catch them being good. Kids crave attention from you, and if they don’t get it for positive behavior, they’ll act up to get attention for negative behavior. Especially reward good sibling interactions.

  • Encourage them to work together – when we can all have a good day, we all get the reward.

Help each child have their own identity:

  • Your children don’t have to do all the same types of things. If your older child plays the violin, it doesn’t mean the second one has to play the cello. She could play soccer instead. Plan their activities separately so each can follow their own passions.
  • Don’t label your children. It’s tempting to say “he is our artist and she’s the math whiz.” But those labels limit them and block you from encouraging their development in all areas.
  • Don’t compare children to each other. (“Your brother always…”)

Help your kids find ways to release the day’s tensions by sharing them with you or each other rather than by taking them out on each other.

Accept that some conflict will happen, and let it happen. Don’t worry that “they’ll never get along.”

Managing conflict

When children fight, it gives us a chance to teach skills like self-calming, being assertive, expressing concerns with words, problem-solving, negotiating, taking turns, and so on.

When a battle begins, try not to jump in to solve everything immediately – see if they can figure it out. But do step in when things become hurtful. Set absolute limits that it’s never OK to hit, bite, kick, or be emotionally cruel.

Before disciplining either child, make sure you have the whole story. It’s easy to assume that the older one is at fault, or that the last one holding the stick is at fault. Stop and ask each child to share their perception of the situation. Often it’s appropriate to punish both kids. If only one is punished for something, ensure that the innocent party doesn’t gloat about it!

If there’s an object they’re consistently fighting over, you may find it’s easiest to just take it away from both of them for a toy timeout.

If the younger sibling ruins something the older one worked hard on, first offer sympathy: “It’s so hard when she wrecks your stuff!” Encourage him to share his anger with you. Then explain that the little one just doesn’t get it yet, and think about how to protect the next special creation from them.

If your child needs to vent about their sibling, let them. They can draw pictures, write, yell, whatever. They may say “I hate my brother.” Instead of scolding them, say “I know right now you’re hating your brother for what he did. I don’t think you hate him as a person, and I think soon you’ll have fun together again. But I get that you’re really mad right now.” Siblings don’t always have to like each other.

A final note about siblings

You may have one child that’s easier for you to like than the other– you have similar temperaments, similar interests – you just understand them better. Gender may also affect this. On good days, we just try to be fair and equitable. If you’re really struggling with a child at some point, enlisting another friend or family member who “gets” that child better may help you figure out some new approaches.

Parent educators: Here is a free printable handout about Sibling Relationships.

Recommended Source: Sibling Rivalry: http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm

photo credit: Ian D. Keating via photopin cc

Parenting an Only Child

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How common are only children?

In the US today, families have an average of 1.9 children. 20% of women only have one child.

Benefits

Raising kids is very expensive, so having just one saves the family money, but also may allow them to fit in luxuries like vacations, private school, and activities they couldn’t afford if they had multiple children.

Having fewer children is better for the environment.

It may be easier for a parent to manage their career with only one child.

Parents of one may feel much less frazzled and overwhelmed than if they had multiple kids to juggle.

An only child doesn’t feel like they have to compete for love and attention.

Strengths of Only Children

Research shows that only children score just as well as siblings on traits such as maturity, popularity, generosity, cooperativeness, flexibility, independence, emotional stability and contentment.

Only children have higher intelligence, are more motivated in school, have higher self-esteem, good language skills (from all that adult conversation), and better relationships with parents.

Parents of only children tend to be happier than those with multiple children.

Sources: www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html?_r=0

www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=114&np=99&id=1926

Potential Pitfalls and how to minimize

Avoid the “lonely only.” Help your child build friendships.

  • It’s easy for parent to become the child’s best friend. Those children may seek out adult company and have a harder time relating to peers.
  • Ensure that your child has plenty of play time with other kids. Especially seek out long-term connections – friends or family your child will have the opportunity to interact with for years. That gives them some of the long-term history of relationhip they would have with a sibling.
  • Consider joining boy / girl scouts, 4-H, church group, or some other long-term group activity.

Help them learn to manage conflict. Only children don’t have the built-in practice at conflict resolution that kids with siblings have.

  • Try not to become too involved in playground conflicts. Children will learn more from the experience if they have to figure out on their own how to resolve it.

Don’t pressure your child to be everything you ever hoped your child (or you) could become. In some families, onlies feel like all the hopes of the family are riding on their shoulders. They can become anxious, pressured perfectionists.

  • Let them be kids. The good news about onlies is that they’re very good at operating in an adult world, with good manners, sophisticated vocabulary, and so on. But make sure you also take some time to go to the playground and let them run around and scream all they want.

Don’t pressure yourself too much. Parent of only children often feel like they only have “one chance to get it right” and are very hard on themselves when they make any mistakes.

Help them to be responsible and independent.

  • It can be easy to do everything for your child and always step in to rescue things when they have any challenge. Some day observe a large family, and you’ll see how much more parents expect and how much more their kids can do without that parental intervention.
  • Give your child chores and expect them to get done.
  • Your child won’t have the built-in opportunity to teach and mentor a younger sibling. Look for places where he or she can have a positive influence on a younger child.

Don’t let other people’s comments / judgments get to you or your child. Insensitive people may ask your child if they want a sibling. They may ask you if you’re planning more and want to know why not. They may assume you’re selfish, don’t like parenting, are infertile, are having marital strife… Feeling positive about parenting an only child, and letting your child know why you feel good about it can help both of you withstand these moments.

Don’t spoil / over-indulge your child. Set clear limits, and be sure they don’t always get their way. This also reduces the chance you’ll have a “bossy” child. If they’ve learned that it doesn’t work to boss you around, they won’t try to boss others around.

Find ways to teach and model generosity and sharing.

Don’t over-protect. It can be easy to become a helicopter parent, hovering closely around your only child. Try to stand back and give them space to make their own mistakes (and learn from them).

 

 

 

Helping Your Child Adapt to a New Baby

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medium_2681695116Preparing for the New Baby

Follow your child’s lead. When they want to talk about the baby, take advantage of that, but as soon as their attention shifts elsewhere, let it go. Don’t force the topic.

Read books about what to expect. Look here for my Recommended Kids’ Books about Pregnancy, Birth, and Babies.

Watch a video about a new baby coming to a family. This was made by Penny Simkin, who had taught sibling preparation classes for 30+ years when she made it. Includes details about the birth process at an age-appropriate level. Available to stream (rent or buy) at https://www.pennysimkin.com/project/theres-a-baby-a-childrens-film/.

Take a sibling preparation class. Check with your local hospitals that offer childbirth preparation classes. They may offer sibling classes.

Tell stories to your older child about when they were a baby. Look at their baby pictures together.

Provide dolls and doll accessories for your toddler to “practice” baby care behaviors they’ll soon see.

If there are any behaviors or routines that just won’t work after baby comes, try to change them at least 3 – 4 months before the birth, so your child has a chance to adapt, without feeling like it’s “the baby’s fault” things had to change.

If one parent provides almost all the care for your child, try to increase the amount of time they receive care from other providers so they know they have other adults to rely on.

In the early weeks with the new baby

Try not to change day-to-day routines. Your child will need consistency and reliability.

The safety of the baby is top priority, so set clear limits to protect the baby.

Have some time of each day where the older child knows they are your top priority. Let them choose the activity for their “special time.”

Let your older child continue to be a “baby” when he needs to be. Don’t expect instant maturity and independence.

  • Regression is common – listen to your older child’s feelings and validate that it’s hard for everyone to adjust to the new baby.

Make sure your older child has some space and things that belong only to them.

Expect to have good days and bad days. Don’t worry that it will “never get better.”

Don’t blame things on the baby: Instead of saying “I can’t play with you because of the baby”, try saying “I really want to play with you – in just a few minutes baby will be done nursing, and you and I will have play time. Or, you can bring your toys here right now.”

Have ‘special times’ with your older child: a quick trip to the park, a bedtime story, an outing.

Give the older child special responsibilities. Making the older child a “helper” in the care of the new baby will help the child feel involved instead of neglected. However, it is important to remember that the new baby is not your older child’s responsibility.

Encourage and reinforce the positive behaviors you want to see in your older child.

Sometimes, parents feel guilty that they can no longer give the older child the same attention that they used to. It may help to remind yourself that although this doesn’t seem fair to your older child, they are also benefitting from the experience of having a younger sibling.

As your children get older

Look here for lots more tips on sibling relationships.

Resources

photo credit: K. W. Sanders via photopin cc

Benefits and Risks of Screen Time for kids and parents

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Benefits of Screen Time for Kids

We often hear about the downsides of TV watching for kids – aggressive behavior after watching superhero shows, short attention spans after watching fast-paced action shows, etc. Are there any benefits of screen time – time spent watching TV, playing video games, or using mobile devices?

For young children (8 and under), the majority of the time they are spending with screens is spent with “educational content.” Ever since the early days of Sesame Street in the late 60’s, there has been a huge growth in educational media: television, computer games, and now apps. High quality educational media can have benefits for children age 2 to 8:

  • High quality TV can lead to improved social skills, language skills, and school readiness. (AAP)
  • Educational media can expose children to the broader world far beyond their community: they can learn about exotic animals, historical events, a wide range of musical and artistic styles, diverse cultures and lifestyles, and scientific concepts like interplanetary space.
  • Story-telling, whether in books or video, allows children to experience social interaction and emotional challenges vicariously. Watching characters interact positively can teach manners and social graces. Watching a character deal with grief can help a child learn to manage it.
  • Media can teach concrete skills, if the skill is demonstrated slowly and repeatedly. In one research study, children were shown a 20 second long video of an adult playing with a toy by taking it apart. 90% of 24 month olds, and 65% of 14 month olds were able to copy those actions. www.parentingcounts.org/information/documents/copycats-100-710-200907.pdf
  • Media can also teach basic academic skills like ABC’s and counting, and help children memorize basic facts, like the order of the planets or the order of the colors in the rainbow. The kinds of skills that can be learned by drilling with flash cards can typically be learned in a more engaging way with media.

It’s important to note that these benefits are from high quality, developmentally appropriate programming. Not all media is created equal! Don’t choose games, videos or apps based on the company’s marketing. Instead look for independent reviews and ratings of a product’s learning value. One good source is Common Sense Media (see resource list.)

Also, the majority of the research has been done on children age 2 to 8, focusing on television viewing. There is very little research showing benefits of media for children under age 2.

There is also very little research on the modern experience of highly interactive touch-screen apps, though some theorize that these will be more effective “educators” than a passive screen experience.

It’s also important to note that there is very little information that children can only learn from the screen. Parents who believe that educational media is very important for healthy development are likely to use media twice as much as other parents. But the AAP reminds us that “Unstructured playtime is more valuable for the developing brain than any electronic media exposure. If a parent is not able to actively play with a child, that child should have solo playtime with an adult nearby… solo play allows a child to think creatively, problem-solve, and accomplish tasks.”

Benefits of Screen Time for Parents

Experts frown upon parents using media as “a babysitter”, but we need to be honest that media is very good at this job! Parents often need a way to keep kids busy and out of trouble while they make dinner, take a shower, do household chores, or work from home. Screens are one of the quickest ways to distract a kid. (Single parent families report more media use in their households, probably because they don’t have a second parent available to entertain the kids while they get jobs done.)

(FYI, you can learn more here about how much screen time kids are getting.)

Parents also use screen time as “company” for themselves. Spending all day at home with a small child can be very isolating, and having the TV on in the background or checking Facebook can reduce the parent’s loneliness. Listening to a podcast or reading an e-book can provide some much needed mental stimulation in the midst of a day filled with finger painting and Dr. Seuss.

Mobile devices have added a new benefit. Parents have learned that they are remarkably effective at keeping a child quiet in environments such as doctor’s offices, restaurants, and churches. (Of course, parents have also learned that trying to take away a mobile device in one of those areas, or having the battery die on a mobile device, can lead to a huge eruption of noise and disruption!)

Problems with Screen Time

Again, the majority of the research is on kids 2 to 8 years old, and on television viewing, but much of it may also apply to younger children and/or other media.

Television has been linked to obesity, sleep issues, aggressive behaviors, and ADHD. Early TV viewing is correlated with (i.e. doesn’t necessarily cause, but is related to) deficits in executive functioning – attention, memory, problem solving, impulse control, self-regulation and delayed gratification. Children younger than 2 who watch more television show delays in learning language.

Research may not show this specifically, but anecdotally, teachers report that children who use media often become passive, lose creativity, and forget how to entertain themselves without a screen.

Amongst 8 to 18 year olds surveyed, heavy users of media and moderate users when compared to light users (less than 3 hours a day) were: less likely to get good grades, more likely to say they have a lot of friends, less likely to get along well with parents, less likely to be happy at school, are more often bored, more often sad or unhappy, and report that they get into trouble a lot.

Media can be addictive. The more toddlers watch, the more they want to watch, and the more upset they are when it is taken away. Many parents report that it is much more challenging to transition a child from a media device to another activity than it is to move from one unplugged activity to another. Parents can also be addicted: one survey showed 53% of adults feel upset when denied internet access, 40% feel lonely when unable to go online (www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2017543/Britons-deprived-internet-feel-upset-lonely.html#ixzz1T7IEFW00 )

It may not be that media itself is harmful – some of the issues may be what kids miss out on when they spend time on screens. One study showed that for young kids, every hour of TV time meant 50 minutes less per day of interaction with parents and siblings and ten minutes less of play. (cited in AAP report) We know hands-on play, human connection, eye contact, and interactive conversation are essential for learning many skills. When children are on screens, they simply get less of that.

When parents are also engaged in their own screen use, this further limits interaction. There are plenty of articles and opinion pieces bemoaning the sight of parents looking away from their child’s eyes and into their IPads. There are also plenty of blog posts from parents defending their right to take a sanity break now and then, and defending their need to distract their child while they tend to the business of the day. Both sides have good points – and both sides may be more strident than they need be. As with many things in the life of a parent, we need to find our own way, thinking intentionally about our priorities, and striking a balance that works for our family. See here for tips from parents and experts.