Many people think of discipline as just limits and consequences, and saying “no” to things the child wants. But a huge part of discipline is saying yes and telling the child what they can do.
We definitely want to set limits with our kids, and we absolutely need to say no sometimes (especially when safety is involved), but if you say no all the time, the word loses its power. If you feel like you spend your whole day saying no, think about ways to say yes. What can you encourage your child to do that will let him burn off energy, try out new skills, explore his world and connect with you?
Ask for the behavior you want to see
It’s important to know that toddlers don’t always understand the word “don’t” very well, so if you say “don’t bite”, they hear the verb in that sentence, and continue to bite.
Also, even if they understand what you don’t want them to do, they might not be able to figure out an alternative on their own for what they could do. So if you just say “don’t pour that on the floor” it doesn’t tell them what to do nearly as effectively as saying “keep the rice in the dish.”
So, when your child is holding something fragile, instead of saying “Don’t drop it!!” say “Hold it very carefully.” Instead of saying “Don’t throw that!” say “when you’re ready to set it down, let me know and I’ll take it from you.” Instead of “Don’t Run”, say “please walk” or “can you tiptoe very slowly?”
Use specific language to explain what you want and why
Instead of just “no”, try “careful”, “gentle”, “soft touch”, “slow feet.” “Hands up, that’s hot.”
“I want you to be safe in the playground. If you lie down on your belly and put your feet down first, that will help keep you safe.” or “I want you to stop banging on that, because it might break and we would have to throw it away. That would make us sad.”
Say what you are seeing and then say what you want to see
“I see you dumping all the toys out of the toy box. I want to see you get out only the things you want to play with. Can I help you find something special?” Or “I see you banging on grandma’s piano with your whole fist. I want to see you playing gently with just one finger.”
Give a bored child something to do
If you’re frustrated when he makes a mess while you’re cooking: give him his own drawer in the kitchen. Fill it with plastic dishes, cups that stack, and pots to bang. Let him play in a sink full of water, or with dried beans for pouring and scooping. Ask for his “help” with what you’re working on.
Create opportunities to say yes
Create spaces where it’s all about yes. Create a play area where everything is age appropriate, where it’s easy for them to keep things tidy…
Have times or activities each day where your child sets the agenda, and gets to play however she wants to, as loud (or quiet) as she wants to.
If not now, then when? If not here, then where?
If they can’t do it now, but it will be ok later, then instead of saying no, you can say “you can have a cookie later, after you eat lunch. first, we’re going to play some more.”
If this is not the time or place for something, tell her when it will be “it’s not OK to climb on the furniture here, but later today we can go to the playground and you can climb there.”
Remove predictable problems
If your child loves to throw, put away the hard plastic toys and metal cars for now. You’ll still work with them on not throwing things that weren’t designed to be thrown, but this lets you avoid injury.
If there’s one environment, or playmate, or circumstance that always brings out the worse in your child, can you avoid it? Or take it on only when your child (and you) are rested, fed, and healthy?
Set your child up to succeed
Schedule: When planning your errands for the day, or when choosing activities for your child, think about the natural rhythm of their day. When are they active and ready for engaging activity? When are they quiet but happy, and content to go along for the ride?
If you need your child to sit still later in the day, can you make sure they get plenty of physical activity early in the day? If your child is always wired up and excited at bedtime, can you adjust the activities to slow down as the end of day nears?
Make sure your child is well fed before taking her into any situation which will be challenging for her.
Predictable routines make everything more manageable. Think about areas where you have discipline challenges. How could you establish a new routine that reinforces the way you want them to behave?
Life with a toddler can be filled with giggles & glee in one moment and tantrums & tears in the next. Let’s look at the difference between tantrums and meltdowns, talk about why toddlers behave this way, and how you can manage these moments.
What’s the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown?
Tantrums and meltdowns may look and sound the same, but there are different motivations / reasons behind them, and understanding that can help you respond.
A tantrum is when a child needs or wants something they’re not getting. They throw a tantrum, yelling or hitting. They may partially lose control, but you may also see them pause a moment to see if they’re getting a reaction from you and then continue. They will stop tantrum-ing when they get what they want, or they realize that the tantrum isn’t working to get them what they want. (Note: Children younger than 18 months are not likely to be socially savvy enough to throw this manipulation style tantrum, so for them this behavior would almost always be a meltdown not a tantrum.)
A meltdown happens when a child is overloaded – there’s too much stimulation or they have too many big feelings, and they get overwhelmed so badly that they lose control and scream and cry. A meltdown won’t stop because you gave them what they wanted. It stops when the child is too worn out to continue, or they find a quieter place with less stimulation and can calm themselves down, or a grown-up helps them to calm down.
Siegel and Bryson talk about the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain. Bryson says “The upstairs brain… is the more evolved, rational, problem solving brain; whereas, the downstairs brain is more primitive and animal like. When our child is having an upstairs tantrum… they are being intentionally manipulative. They are in control and still make choices. If you give them what they want, they will be plenty happy and go on their way… The best response … is to not give in. … [In] A downstairs tantrum… they are flooded with emotion … like they are losing their mind … they really are not in control. They can’t make a choice anymore, even if you give them what they want, they will continue to lose it. In these moments, what they need most from us is comfort. Now, of course, we are not going to let them knock things off shelves or hurt other people. We may have to hold them and say, “You are not in control right now and I need to help you until you have more control.” In these moments, they need us to calm them down by giving lots of comfort.” (Source)
All children (and adults) can have meltdowns, but they’re especially common with neurodiverse folks, including autistic kids and people with anxiety or sensory processing issues. They’re extremely common for toddlers who just haven’t learned emotional regulation yet.
Triggers: Why do toddlers have tantrums and meltdowns?
Life can be hard for a toddler. They want lots of things they can’t have. And sometimes things happen that make them so sad, or so mad, or so scared that they are completely overwhelmed. Here are some of the reasons toddlers explode:
1. Rules: They want to do something that’s not allowed, and are angry that you’re blocking them. You might think your rule is reasonable, but here’s what they’re thinking: “I really want to hold those scissors! You were just using them. Why can’t I??”
2. Impossibilities: They want something that’s not possible, and can’t understand when you explain. From their perspective: “Last time I asked for crackers you gave me some. Now, you say you don’t have any crackers??”
3. Lack of control, lack of choices about where they go and what they do. “I was having a great time playing, and you suddenly carry me out the door??”
4. Frustration: They want to be able to do something, but they’re not yet capable of it. “YOU can put the puzzle together. But I try and I try, and it doesn’t work!!”
5. Can’t communicate: They want something but don’t have the words to tell you what it is. “When my big sister asks for something she gets it. When I ‘ask’, I don’t!!”
6. Separation and/or unfamiliar situations: Being away from familiar supports is hard. “I count on you for everything, and you’re not here!!”
7. Fears: The world can be a scary place when you’re small and don’t understand much! “That vacuum cleaner is really really loud. I’m afraid it will hurt me!!”
On a good day, when your child is rested and you’re calm, they may be able to handle any of these things. But when they’re tired, hungry, sick, cold, hot, or overstimulated, even little upsets become overwhelming. Or if you’re tired, hungry, or stressed, you may not notice their early cues and they may end up in a meltdown.
Preventing Meltdowns
Even if you were the perfect parent, and did absolutely everything right, there would still be times when your child would melt down!! But there are some ways that we can reduce the number of tantrums and meltdowns:
Meet physical needs: Your child is less likely to melt down if he is rested, fed, and comfortable.
Be aware of your child’s capacity for stimulation: Children all have a different threshold where they overload. Some children are particularly sensitive to noise, others to bright lights, others to crowds. When planning your child’s activities, think about how much they can manage at a time.
Be aware of triggers: Minimize things you know upset your child. (I am not suggesting you walk on eggshells, trying desperately to never upset your child! But, pick your battles. If something is important to your family or important for their development, then it’s necessary for them to adapt to it. So you do it and you coach them through. But, if it’s not necessary, maybe skip it.)
Set expectations: Tell them ahead of time what to expect, what behavior you’re expecting of them, and what the consequences will be if they can’t behave that way.
Give choices where you can. (But don’t offer choices in the middle of their screaming… if it’s a tantrum, giving choices will make them feel like they won; if it’s a meltdown, being asked to make choices is overwhelming!)
Set limits and follow them consistently: We don’t always give children what they want, and we don’t want them to think they’re the boss of the family. When you set limits, you will face the occasional tantrum, but over time – with consistent enforcement, the child learns and respects the family limits, and will have fewer tantrums than the child who never knows if or when a rule will be enforced.
Watch for early cues of an impending meltdown: Notice when your child is reaching the end of her rope. Let her know that you’ve noticed – that helps her learn to recognize it for herself. Try distraction or a change of scenery.
Talk about meltdowns when they’re NOT having one. Ask your child to let you know when they have one coming on. (Note: it will be a while before they’re capable of that!) Praise your child when they’ve done a good job of calming themselves down – we want to reinforce their efforts at self-regulation.
Talk about and model, positive ways to ask for what they want and to manage feelings. Use Emotion Coaching to build emotional IQ.
Anatomy of a Tantrum – What Research Shows
Researchers developed a “onesie” that parents in the study put on a toddler that would record for several hours, and possibly catch a meltdown. Then they analyzed the pattern of the tantrums. Sad sounds – whimpering and crying – are heard throughout the tantrum; and mixed in were peaks of yelling and screaming – angry sounds. Children tend to build up to a peak of anger quite quickly, then do something physical (throw things, throw themselves on the floor, hit), and then they collapse into sadness.
If parents asked a lot of questions, or tried to verbally reason with the child, it would prolong the tantrum. When a toddler is very angry, he can’t process language, and asking questions just pushes him into overload.
Researchers felt the research-based trick to end a tantrum is to get past the anger. If you think it’s a tantrum, ignore the child or respond with as few words as possible. If you think it’s a meltdown, stay nearby but don’t talk or touch a lot. When the child has released anger, what’s left is sadness, and they will seek comfort.
Don’t “over-respond”. Keep your response calm and low key. You don’t want to pay too much attention to the tantrum as you don’t want to reward the behavior.
Stay calm. A child in meltdown is overwhelmed by the strength of his own emotions, and needs you to model emotional stability to help re-ground him. Stay close by.
Don’t ask questions or try to talk the child down with a lot of words. If you need to talk to change your child’s behavior, or move her to a safer / more appropriate place, give very simple commands. If it’s a tantrum, calmly but clearly re-state the rules.
Don’t let your child hurt herself, or anyone else. Keep her from damaging possessions. At times, you may need to physically restrain her to keep things safe – it’s OK to firmly hold an upset child in a gentle and supportive way. Sometimes she will resist the hold for a bit, then shift from anger to sadness in your arms.
Once the meltdown blows over, calm and comfort. Name and validate the emotions they were feeling. Let them know that all feelings are OK. (But not all behavior is!)
Sometimes your child will calm down, but you will still be full of tension and stress from the experience! Think about self-care methods that help you release that tension and move on – a few deep breaths, a drink of water, taking a short break… Get support from other parents.
For older children (3 – 5 years), talk about the situation later that day when everyone is calm. Validate the emotions they were feeling at the time, but also discuss other ways they could have managed those emotions. Develop plans for how to handle similar situations in the future.
Here’s a handout that summarizes the information in this post: Taming Tantrums
If you found this article helpful, click on the links on the right to “follow this blog” and you’ll get email updates when I post new articles, or “like me on Facebook” to stay up-to-date on posts. If you want to learn more parenting skills, and get expert advice customized to your family and the needs of your child, look for parent education classes in your community! I teach for Bellevue College – we have classes on the Eastside of Seattle: learn more here. (To find classes in other Puget Sound cities, look here.)
More Good Days with Kids 