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Choosing Child Care

Step 1 – Learn the Basics

For an infant or young toddler, you may be considering options including: family or friend care, a nanny or au pair, a family child care in a home, or a child care center.

If you’re new to thinking about child care choices, start with my post on Child Care Basics which is an introduction to how each of these options works, just so you have a sense of what is possible. I talk about all of these options, and the advantages and disadvantages of each. Once you’ve got the basics, return to this article.

Step 2 – What do you need?

Before you start looking at specific options, think about your concrete needs / basic logistics. Think about your “can do” and “really can’t do” list. Start with these, because otherwise you might fall in love with a program and then discover that you can’t make the logistics work. (I know many people who have talked themselves into something, saying “it’ll be OK, I’m sure we can make it work” and then had to give up when it proved unsustainable and start all over with their search.)

Location

How far are you willing to drive? How far is your child willing to be driven (some children do fine in the car, others are miserable)? Does it make sense to choose a caregiver who can come to your home? A location near your home or one near your work? Is the location convenient for other family members or friends if you need them to pick up?

Schedule

How many days a week? Do you have specific days of the week you can or can’t do? What time do you need care to start and end? Do you need flexibility on the end time if you sometimes run late leaving work, or if you’re caught in traffic? Can your schedule change from week to week or is it pretty predictable?

Cost

What’s manageable? Cost ranges hugely, so think through carefully what is manageable for you, and don’t spend time looking at options that are outside your price point.

It’s important to know that lower cost doesn’t have to mean lower quality of care. There are some amazing childcare providers who provide lower cost care. Their buildings may not be as beautiful, their equipment might not all be shiny and new, but it’s all clean and well cared for. The key factor in excellent child care is the people who provide the care.

Some child cares offer a sliding scale based on parent income. Some states, municipalities, and tribes have child care subsidies available. Learn more at: https://www.childcareaware.org/families/cost-child-care/help-paying-child-care-federal-and-state-child-care-programs/

Step 3 – Gather Your Options

It’s worth looking at ads in parenting magazines and online but it’s also worth knowing that you’ll mostly see ads for large chains and expensive daycares, because they have money for ad budgets. To find the local, smaller, low cost options you don’t look at paid ads. You ask around – ask friends, family, co-workers, people in birth classes or parents at the park. If they say they LOVE a program, ask why! It could be that you’d love it for the same reason, or it could turn out that something they love would totally turn you off.

You can do web searches – some small day care providers can have a good web presence, but many don’t.

If you have local child care referral services run by non-profits or governmental agencies, use them! If the referral service is something that providers have to pay to be a part of, then it’s just another form of advertising, really, and again, you’ll get the larger chains and more expensive providers. But non-profits and governmental agencies may offer referrals to a much wider array of small providers.

Step 4 – Research your top choices

Once you’ve got a list of four or five possibilities, do more research. Read the program’s websites in detail, if they have one. Call to ask specific questions. Go to open houses or tours or ask to observe, if possible. Here are questions to consider:

Are there openings? What is the enrollment process?

What is the cost? When are payments due?

What is the schedule?

What time could your child start? What time could you pick up?
For infants: Are infants fed on demand? If your child is breastfeeding, how do they support that? Where do babies sleep? Are baby’s cries responded to promptly?
For toddlers: How is time divided between activities? Play time? Quiet time? Outdoors? Snack? What activities are available? What do caregivers do to support the child’s learning? If meals will be provided to your child, when, where, and what will be included? Is there nap time – when? where?
Are there days / times of year when care is not available? (holidays, caregiver vacations, etc.) What happens if a caregiver is sick?

Who are the childcare providers?

Training: What is their training? Have they done safety training? Have they done additional training in supporting the child’s learning and development? Do they have and AA or BA in early childhood?
What experience do they have?
Do they participate in continuing education or other opportunities to improve their skills and the care they provide?
Longevity / turnover. As a general rule, the longer the teachers have been there the better. (Unless you get the sense that they’re burned out and only there due to inertia….)
Do they enjoy kids? Do they sit on the floor with the kids, smile, and engage with them? Or are they standing on the edges talking to other adults, occasionally calling out instructions to a child?
For toddlers and older: How do they handle discipline? What are their rules and how do they reinforce them?
For some families, it is important that caregivers share their cultural background or faith beliefs. Some families seek out diversity, such as a caregiver who speaks a different language than they speak at home. Meeting the caregivers may give you a sense of whether your goals will be met.

Who are the children?

How many children? How many teachers? (In Washington state child care centers, the maximums for babies under one year old is four babies per adult, with a maximum group size of 8 babies and two adults. For 12-29 month old children, it’s 7 children per adult, max of 14 children in a group. But those are the maximums. Your child would get more individualized attention if there are fewer children for each adult to tend to.)
What is the age range of the class? Some parents prefer that all the kids be as close as possible in age, but many programs point out the benefits of multi-age classrooms.
What are the cut-off dates for age? Your child may do best if you choose a program where they are right in the middle of the age range rather than youngest or oldest. Many parents push their child ahead to the next program the second they reach the minimum age… but I don’t recommend this – if your child is always the youngest one in the room, they may often also feel like the slowest, least coordinated one in the room.
In a child care center, how is the transition from one age group to the next managed?

What is the environment like?

Is it clean? Safe? What are their policies for illness and cleaning? Where are diapers changed? For infants, are safer sleep practices followed?
Is there a wide range of materials and supplies that are appropriate to your child’s age and abilities? Are materials in good condition?
Are there areas for quiet play / resting and areas for active play?
Is there an opportunity for time outdoors? What is that space like?

Parent Partnership

Are parents welcome to visit any time?
Can parents be involved in the program?
Do caregivers share and talk to parents about their child’s daily activities, either at drop-off or pick-up?
If parents or caregivers have particular questions or concerns, can they schedule a time to speak in depth (this may need to be at a time when the caregiver does not have children to care for)?
How do providers work with parents to incorporate the family’s culture and values into the classroom?
Can parents be involved in a child’s birthday celebration? special events? field trips?

Note: some facilities have cameras where parents can watch the child at any time. These are not essential – if you trust your caregivers and can visit at any time, these “nanny cams” shouldn’t be a big part of your decision making. Some facilities provide lots of written reports to parents, and while those can be nice, remember that time spent filling out reports may be time that could be spent interacting with your child. Having a quick moment to chat with the caregiver each day can be just as informative.

Licensing?

Licensing requirements vary by state and by type of child care provider. But, if they are licensed, you may be able to view their licensing records to see if there have been any complaints. (In Washington, use https://www.findchildcarewa.org/.)

Step 5: Making the Choice

After you’ve done your research on your options, if possible, don’t narrow it down to a single choice. If you fall in love with one and rule out all others, and then it turns out that one doesn’t have availability, that can be really stressful. Instead, make a list with multiple options, ranked from your favorite on down, and then contact your top choice. A lot of this process is intellectual and practical, comparing things like price and location. But in the end, sometimes it comes down to trusting your gut.

Vibe The most important thing you’re “looking” for is something you can’t see. How does it feel? Is it warm, nurturing, full of exciting learning experiences, and full of happy children and teachers? Or is it cold, disconnected, uninvolved? We know from the science of brain development that children learn best when they feel safe and are happy, so look for a place where they will be happy and engaged. You should also look for a place where you would feel great every time you drop them off to spend time there. That’s the one to choose.

On-Going

Even once you’ve found an option, the evaluation goes on… does it still seem like a good fit? If you have concerns, you can approach the caregiver to try to work them out. Sometimes things work out perfectly, and sometimes they don’t and you have to start the process again, so be sure to hold on to your notes, in case there’s a next time to search.

Resources for Families in Washington State

Financial Support: Options for paying for child care: https://childcare.org/family-services/pay-for-care.aspx and https://childcareawarewa.org/families/. Low income families (income less than $42K per year) can qualify for child care subsidies, including helping to pay a family caregiver. Learn more: https://www.dcyf.wa.gov/services/earlylearning-childcare/getting-help/wccc

Child Care Centers and Family Day Cares

Washington State: https://www.brightspark.org/for-families/
Child Care Check from WA State Dept of Children Youth and Families – for licensing information and quality ratings of child care centers (https://www.findchildcarewa.org)
Elsewhere: https://www.childcareaware.org/

Nannies and Au Pairs

Seattle Nanny Parent Connection Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/SeattleNannyParentConnection
Annie’s Nannies (http://anniesnannies.com/)
Au Pairs: Info from Cultural Care (https://culturalcare.com/)
Au Pair in America (http://www.aupairinamerica.com/state/washington.asp)

Child Care Basics

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For an infant or young toddler, your options for child care providers include family or friends, nannies, au pairs, family child cares, and child care centers. Let’s look at each:

Family, Friend or Neighbor Care

Many children are cared for by grandparents, aunts/uncles, or family friends – this is actually the most common form of child care. This care might be provided in the child’s home or the home of the caregiver.

The advantages are that the caregiver is someone that the parents have a long history with who will also likely continue to be a part of the child’s life for many years. So it can be part of a loving, connected relationship built on trust. There may be shared language, culture, and traditions. This type of care tends to be the most flexible schedule option so can work especially well for people with non-traditional work schedules or on-call responsibilities. Plus, family care is often offered free of charge or in exchange for room and board or other arrangements.

Some disadvantages are that the caregiver can sometimes feel unappreciated or feel like they’re being taken advantage of, and the parents and caregivers may have more conflict over the “right way” to care for the child. These can be navigated but it’s important to be sensitive to the need for open, honest dialogue. Also, while some family members provide excellent, stimulating learning environments for the children, that is not always the case, since family members are less likely to have training in child development and child safety. (Note: Zero to Three has great child development resources to share with family caregivers, and here’s a list of child safety topics that all caregivers should be aware of.)

Tips for choosing this type of care: https://www.childcareaware.org/families/types-child-care/ and making it work for your family: https://www.childcareaware.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/All_in_the_Family.pdf

Nanny

A nanny is a professional child care provider, who comes to the child’s home to provide care (some nannies are live-in care providers). The parents are the employer and they set the terms of a contract: what the schedule will be, what services will be provided (e.g. will the nanny provide any housekeeping or meal prep in addition to child care) and hire a nanny that agrees to that contract. The advantages are that you can customize the agreement to your own needs, a nanny is someone who has chosen child care as their profession and typically has a passion for caring for children, and the same nanny may remain with your family for years, providing continuity of care. The disadvantage is that the hiring process can be quite lengthy (and you have to understand taxes and insurance – though working with a nanny agency can ease some of the burden). And if the nanny is sick or quits suddenly, you may have to scramble for a new plan.

Some families nanny share – this plays out a lot of different ways, for example, the nanny is with family A on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and with family B on Thursday and Friday – this is good for families with part-time work. Or the nanny watches both children every day in family A’s home – this is good for parents who want a playmate for their child.

Learn more about how to hire a nanny. And questions to ask a nanny in an interview. Or check out How to Choose the Best Nanny.

Au Pair

Au pair refers to someone from a foreign country, typically between the ages of 18 and 26. Like an exchange student, they live in a host family’s home and attend school part-time (6 credits) while also providing child care as “part of the family.” They will stay with a family for 12 months. The family provides room, board, and a small salary. (Maybe $450 a week vs. $900 a week for a nanny in the same market.) The schedule can be more flexible, working around the parent’s work schedule and the au pair’s classes, but with a maximum of 45 hours of child care provided each week. Advantages: low cost, exposing your family to a foreign culture and possibly another language. Disadvantages: the au pair may or may not be that interested in child care – for some, this is just a way to visit a new country. One year commitment.

Au pairs are more for older children than for babies. They can not be placed with a family whose baby is less than three months old, and can only be placed with an under 2 year old if they’ve had a special 200 hours of training.

Learn more about nannies and au pairs: www.care.com/c/live-in-nanny-vs-au-pair-whats-the-difference.

Family Child Care

Providers care for children in a home / residential setting. Typically there are one or two caregivers and a small number of children, with a range of ages. Some are licensed and follow safety and health requirements, some are not.

Advantages: many families like the home-like environment, in a smaller setting your child receives more individualized care. If you have two children of different ages, they can be together at child care rather than separated into age groups as they would be in a larger child care setting. Fewer people in the child care setting means less potential for exposure to illnesses. There’s typically a consistent caregiver, with less turnover. Often lower cost than nannies or child care centers.

Disadvantages – if you’re reliant upon one person for child care, then if they get sick or go on vacation, you may not have child care – be sure you know what their plans are for these contingencies. Because there’s only one (or two) caregivers, if they aren’t good, it’s not a good situation. (For example, I once toured an in-home day care where the provider said they rarely watched TV, but I got the sense from the placement of the TV that it was used frequently to keep the kids’ attention occupied. This was not in alignment with my goals for my child’s care.) It’s especially important that the parent and caregiver have a respectful relationship and feel they can trust each other.

Some family child cares have very flexible schedules, some have inflexible schedules. It depends upon the caregiver.

Child Care Aware has an excellent, comprehensive Family Child Care Checklist to help you evaluate a provider.

Child Care Centers

Child care centers are larger facilities, typically with a director and many care providers. Children are typically divided by age group – for example, the infants room, the toddler room, the preschool age, etc. Some centers are non-profits run by churches, schools, or non-profit agencies. Others are for profit and may be owned by an individual or a chain.

Advantages: If a caregiver is ill or has a vacation, typically their absence can be easily covered by someone else, so your child care needs are consistently met. Some parents prefer the single-age groupings where all the toys and activities are specialized to that age group. Some (more expensive) centers may offer lots of activities such as gymnastics classes or music classes. They have to follow the most safety regulations and have more regular inspections.

Disadvantages: There may be a higher level of turnover of staff members and less chance for your child to develop a relationship with a consistent caregiver. Less individualized care. More exposure to illness may mean your child is sick more in their early years (but may be sick less as they get older, since their immune system has had lots of training.)

Check out Child Care Aware’s Child Care Center Checklist for questions to help you evaluate the quality of a center.

For Washington State Families, Child Care Aware offers a very helpful brochure on Choosing a Child Care on Child Care Centers and Family Child Care. It includes info on steps to finding quality child care, staff to child ratios and group size (in WA, for babies under one year, there’s a maximum of four babies per adult caregiver and a maximum group size of 8 children), and financial options.

Learn more

Child Care Aware also offers a helpful overview of types of child care that’s worth checking out.

Key Principles for Supporting Learning

Handout

Here’s the handout version of this post – feel free to share anywhere.

12 Key Principles for Supporting Learning Download

How Parenting Changes as Kids Get Older

Stages of Parenting

Researcher Ellen Galinsky interviewed 228 parents (of 396 children) with diverse parenting experiences. She found common threads showing six distinct stages of parenting.

Stage One: Image-Making

Before the first baby is born, parents begin to create pictures in their minds of what parenting will be like and what kind of parent they hope to be. They began to adapt their home and their lifestyle to accommodate the child. They observe other parents and reflect on how they were parented to help create their self-image as a parent.

Stage Two: Nurturing

From birth through the first two years. Focused on physical care, soothing, snuggling, and playing. The main goal is to develop a relationship with their child. As the attachmentgrows, parents evaluate their priorities for how much time to spend with the baby versus other aspects of life, including other relationships, and how much of their identity is being a parent.

Stage Three: Authority

From about age 2 to age 5. Parents are more certain of their own identity as parents and of their relationship to their child. They begin to define the family’s rules, decide how strictly to enforce rules and what to do when rules are broken. The main task is deciding how much authority to exert over the child’s behavior versus how much freedom to allow.

Stage Four: Interpretive

The elementary school years. Parents evaluate their own strengths and challenges, and also evaluate their child in comparison to others and to their expectations. The main task is interpreting the child’s experiences as they are increasingly exposed to a world outside their family. Parents answer questions, and determine what behaviors and values to teach. They decide how and where the child spends time and with whom. They decide how involved to be, and when to make the decisions versus when to let a child make choices independently.

Stage Five: Interdependent

In the adolescent years, parents redefine their authority and renegotiate the relationship with their child, who is increasingly making decisions independently, out of the parent’s view. Parents need to trust that they have instilled good values in the child. They don’t allow their adolescent to have complete autonomy, but do allow for more discussion about rules.

Stage Six: Departure

As the child reaches adulthood, parents prepare for the departure, re-evaluate their parenting accomplishments and failures, and re-define their parenting identity and relationships. Parenting becomes less central to their identity and their daily lives.

Parenting in the Interpretive Stage

School and peer relationships assume the central role in the child’s life, and start pulling attention and energy away from the family unit. Parents have much less time with their children than before so need to be more focused on their goals for that time.

Here are decisions parents are making during their child’s elementary school years, as they realize the increasing separation between their identity and the child’s identity.

What kind of life do I want to provide? (And what can I afford to provide?) What do I say yes to in terms of new clothes or toys, and activities to do. What do I say no to? How do I manage the inevitable times when my child says “that’s not fair! All the other parents let their kids _____.”
How should I interpret the world for my child? For example, if they ask questions about race, death, sex, religion, and so on. How do I share my beliefs and values with them to give them an internal compass? (There are resources on how to talk about difficult topics at https://gooddayswithkids.com/better-you-than-youtube/)
How do I want my child to behave? (And have good behavior internalized as self discipline?)
What do I want them to be capable of and responsible for? (e.g. chores, practicing and playing an instrument or a sport) What new privileges / responsibilities will I introduce (for example: allowance, a phone, going places independently.)
How involved do I want to be involved in their life, at home and away from home?
When should I step in to help, and when should I back off and let them make decisions and try things independently?
How do I support homework?
How do I ensure they have the skills and knowledge to self-manage healthy habits like good nutrition, personal hygiene, and good sleep?
How involved do I want to be with the other significant people in their lives. (Friends, parents of friends, teachers, counselors, sports coaches…)
How do I support them when they’re navigating the emotional ups and downs of peer relationships? How do you monitor friendships while not overly interfering?
How do I hope to define our changing relationship? For example: how much do we hug, hold and cuddle as they get older? How involved are we in bedtime and morning routines? What do we do together for fun and connection?
When they are adults, how do I want them to look back on this time? How am I hoping they’ll remember what kind of parent I was?

A helpful resource for child development milestones for these years, and how to support your child’s growth and learning is: https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/ages-stages/school-age-children-development-parenting-tips/

Preparing a Child for a Death

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Note: I have a more general post on talking to children about the concept of death that I would recommend for most readers. This particular post is much more specific than that – it is focused on how to talk to a very young child (age 2 to 5) about the impending / expected death of a parent (or a grandparent.other adult who is very involved in the child’s day to day life.) It may be relevant as someone is nearing end of life or has been placed in hospice care.

First, I want to acknowledge that this is a very heartbreaking thing to have to talk about. For you, as the adult who is in the midst of this difficult situation and will have these sad conversations with the child – this is hard emotional work, and I encourage you to seek out support for yourself as well and to do the self-care that nourishes you through these hard times.

But, although it is challenging, I think it is important to have these conversations. To be honest with children about the realities of the upcoming loss. Trying to shield the child from anticipatory grief will only make it harder for them when the loss happens and the full grief becomes a part of their life. Talking about it now allows them to begin to process it, and allows you to create meaningful and loving moments with them as you begin with saying goodbyes.

Let’s look at what a child this age is capable of understanding, and some key ideas to talk with them about.

Explaining Death to a Young Child

Before talking about the upcoming loss of a child’s loved one, it’s best to start by making sure they have an understanding of what death is.

Explain what death is in very concrete ways – this is not the time for flowery metaphors like “go to a better place.” Instead, share these ideas:

Death is the cessation of life functions. Use simple terms and examples from their life experience. “Do you remember when your pea plant died, and it stopped growing and started to shrivel up?” “Do you remember when we saw that dead squirrel in the park? They looked like they were sleeping, but their heart had stopped, and their brain didn’t work anymore.”
Death is permanent. Once something has died, it will not come back to life. If someone we love dies, we won’t see them again.
Everything that is alive will someday die. Some things / beings live a very long time, and others live for a short time. Sometimes death happens suddenly, sometimes someone is sick for a long time before dying.
Death is caused by physical reasons. Describe in a simple, non-graphic way what can cause a death.
Even though someone may not be alive any more, we can always hold them in our memories.

For a preschooler, age 2.5 – 5: Even if you clearly explain what death is, they may not be able to grasp what you mean. Permanence is hard to understand. They may believe death is temporary and reversible, and may ask things like “but when will they come back?”

Teachable Moments

I often recommend that parents wait for teachable moments to talk about death. For example, if a child sees a dead bug on the window sill, or an animal that was hit by a car, or they hear that a friend’s pet died. Those are times a parent can introduce the topic. Or any time a child asks about death, calm, matter-of-fact answers are helpful. You can take advantage of these same moments. But, if you, or a close family member, is facing the end of life soon, you may feel the matter is too urgent to wait for teachable moments to appear, and may intentionally bring it up through conversations, or pretend play / storytelling, or through media.

Books and Shows

Media offers an entry way into the topic. Here are several recommendations for books about death and grief: https://imaginationsoup.net/childrens-picture-books-grief-death/; https://www.familyeducation.com/videos/12-childrens-books-help-explain-tragedies-death; https://pjlibrary.org/blog/january-2017/childrens-books-about-death. Examples include the Memory Tree by Teckentrup (video), What Happens When a Loved One Dies by Jillian Roberts. (Video)

There are many shows and movies where a character dies that you could use to introduce the subject. Two that I know of that are focused on helping a child understand death are the Mr. Roger’s goldfish episode and the Daniel Tiger episode.

If you have some time (days or weeks) to prepare, you could gradually sneak little conversations about death in and around all the normal toddler and preschool daily activities – don’t force it and don’t talk about only this… trust that you can gradually bring these conversations in.

Talking about their Loved One

Once a child has a basic understanding of what death means, it is time to begin the conversation about the loved one who is nearing end of life. Much of the info here comes from these helpful resources: Preparing a Child for [a Death] from the American Cancer Society, Sue Ryder’s articles on Telling a Child Someone is Dying and Supporting a Child…, How to Talk with Children about Serious Illness and Death from Hospice of Red River Valley, and Supporting Children… when a family member has an advanced serious illness.

Be Specific about What’s Happening

If we use vague euphemisms, it’s confusing. Saying “mommy is sick” or “grandma went to sleep” or “daddy is going to go away soon” can cause a child to worry that the next time anyone gets sick in any way, or goes to sleep, they too will die, or any time any one leaves the room or the house, they might not come back. (This video talks more about how it’s helpful to use the word death instead of euphemisms.)

So, be clear about what disease is happening (e.g. cancer), what you might guess the timeline will be and what to expect. (As much as you can guess.) You don’t want to overwhelm them with details, but do give an honest overview.

An extremely important thing to address is who will care for them. Reassure them that they will be OK, and all their needs will still be tended to.

Having this conversation will be hard for you. You may cry. It’s OK. You can be honest with your child about how you are feeling. (Do be sure to get lots of support elsewhere so your child does not feel like they have to help you feel better.) But it’s OK for them to see your feelings.

How They May React

When you tell them, they might be very upset. Or they may have very little reaction. It may just be too hard for them to really grasp the meaning of the situation.

Even if your child won’t talk about it, they may play this out – you might see pretend play scenarios involving hospitalization, death, and dinosaur attacks and more. This is a normal part of them making sense of it all.

They may have times they worry a lot about it, there will be many more times where they seem to have no awareness of it and are just focused on being happy toddlers / preschoolers. This video is very helpful for understanding how this is developmentally normal.

Even if they aren’t voicing any concerns related to the illness, they may show some of these behaviors: regression (e.g. needing diapers again after having been potty trained, or thumb sucking after they had stopped), clinging, sleep disturbances, separation anxiety, or fear of the dark. You might see anger and temper tantrums. It is fine to give them extra support and be a little more relaxed about “the rules” but don’t go too far into total permissiveness. Having the old familiar routines and rules is actually reassuring to children and helps give them security that although there will be some huge changes, other things will stay the same.

There are a lot of things in any child’s life that are out of their control, and especially for your child in this moment. Giving them choices anywhere you can (like what clothes to wear or what to eat for breakfast) can help them to feel more powerful.

It might also be helpful to give them “jobs” they can do to help out, even if it’s as simple as bringing a cup of water or snack to the ill person, or helping to fluff their pillow. Feeling like they can make a difference for the person they love is empowering to a small child.

When to Have the Conversation

With an older child, like an elementary age or middle school child, a parent would be able to plan this out – plan a quiet time for a long uninterrupted conversation in a private place for a single focused conversation. The reality of small children and attention spans and how much they can take in at a time means that you just have to be on the lookout for an opening… when you have a moment where things are quiet and neither they or you are tired, stressed or hungry, there may be a chance to start the conversation. While you have their interest and engagement, keep going. But watch their cues. When they wander away, or disengage, or start pushing the conversation away, let it go. You can talk some more some other day.

Don’t put off the conversation waiting for the perfect moment to get it right. There is no perfect moment. The important part is to start the conversation, don’t avoid it.

And know that this is not a one and done conversation. Your child may continue to bring it up off and on, and ask questions, and ask to be told again something you think you’ve told them several times. This is part of the process of them taking in and understanding the information.

Answering their Questions / Concerns

Some common questions come up for kids. Listen for them, or even if they don’t voice these questions, you may want to talk about these issues proactively.

“Is it my fault?” Kids are naturally very self-centered. They may wonder/worry that they caused the illness because they were mad, or bad, or whatever. They need to be reassured that it’s not their fault.
“Are you leaving because you don’t love me?” Reassure them this is not the case!
“Will _____ die too?” If one loved one is dying, they might worry that others will too. I don’t ever promise that won’t happen, because none of us can promise that. But I do tell them I think it is HIGHLY unlikely.
“Will I die too?” I think it’s only fair to say “yes, you will die someday but I think it won’t be for a very long time.” If they ask “Can I die too to be with you?” let them know that as much as you love them, you want them to live a long and beautiful life.
“What happens after you die?” You can share your beliefs with them about this. Other important people in their lives might share different beliefs. That’s OK. I say it as “No one knows for sure, but here is what I believe.” Whatever you share, it is helpful to be clear that a dead person’s body will not come back to life and someone who has passed will not be visible / tangible to them in the same way as before death.
“Will it hurt?” Be honest about whether the dying process may or may not hurt and how health care will support that. But say that death itself does not hurt, and after death, there is no pain.
“Can we fix it?” Tell them that you really wish you could, but some things can’t be fixed. Reassure them that you are doing all you can to help these be as easy as it can be on everyone, and that even though it is still very hard, in the long run, you know they will have a happy life.

Books to Read

These are some books that could be effective for the person whose passing is nearing to read to the child. (You could even make a video of them with the child in their lap reading it aloud to them.)

With each, I include a link to the book description* and also a link to a video of a read aloud so you can see if the book feels like the right fit for your situation.

You’ll Find Me by Amanda Rawson Hill. (Video) This is beautiful. “I will not always be greeting the morning with you, but you’ll find me… in the way the sun spills through your window whispering wake up sleepyhead… I will not always be holding you tight in my lap, but you’ll find me… in the first notes of a familiar song…” The image at the top of this post is from this book.

You’ll Always Have My Love by Jennifer Chobar. (Video) Although I don’t think the rhymes are the best children’s writing, I do think there are beautiful messages in this book! I think it would be a very sweet thing for the person at life’s end to read to the child, if their belief system includes the idea that they’ll be watching over the child after they die.

When Mama Goes to Heaven by Jayna Russell. (Video) Talks about how the person they have lost can still be “found” in all the beauties of the world.

The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr. (Video) Could be read after someone’s passing, but I also think it could be read beforehand, as a chance to preview what the feelings might be like and how to hold them gently.

Creating Memories

By being honest with a child about what’s coming, you create the opportunity to create special rituals and preserve memories. Make lots of videos, take lots of pictures, write letters to be given to them on each birthday, plan a memorial service together, whatever feels meaningful to you.

You can also do more things with all the other adults who will help to support the child after the death, strengthening all those relationships, and showing them that those adults have your trust.

Still Living Your Life

Sometimes when death is coming, families let that overwhelm everything. Every day becomes about that.

It’s OK to still do all the “normal” things that “normal” families do with small kids. And let your kid be a kid! Go to the playground, watch Bluey together, dance together, see friends for playdates, go to preschool or story time, and so on. And it’s OK to have bad days when you’re cranky at your kid, like all parents have days they’re cranky at their kids!

Nearing the end

As the health situation worsens, and the end comes closer, be honest with the child about what is happening and what to expect. Keep reminding the child that they are loved and that they will be well cared for, and although many things will change, that will remain the same.

It might be tempting to keep the child away from a loved one who is becoming quite sick and frail. But it is hard for the child if someone “disappears” from their life before they are truly gone, so follow the child’s lead. If they want to be with the person, let them be! If they are ready for a break, give them a break. Allowing them to have choices in the moment is helpful. There’s no easy path, but again, letting them have some choice and control can help.

Here is info on supporting a child when a family member is dying in a care facility.

Resources for those who remain:

After the passing, here are some resources that will be helpful to those who are caring for the child:

Supporting Preschoolers who are Grieving and Children and End of Life Rituals from NACG (childrengrieve.org)
When Families Grieve from Sesame Street
Books that can be read to the child after the loss: Missing Mummy by Rebecca Cobb. (Video), Lost in the Clouds by Tom Timm Disbury. (Video), The Memory Box by Joanna Rowland (Video). Something Very Sad Happened by Zucker (Video.) The first two are about the loss of a mother. The third isn’t specific. The last is about the loss of a grandmother. But I believe the reader could adapt these to the child’s situation.
One important thing is that people continue to talk about the person who has died. Sometimes they avoid this because they fear it will make the child sad. It actually tends to be healing and calming to children to continue to hear about this person who was so important to them.

Note about links for book titles: these are Amazon affiliate links, so I would get a small referral fee if you clicked through and then purchased, but I also encourage you to get the book from your favorite independent bookseller.

More Resources:

There are lots more helpful resources on these sites:

National Alliance for Children’s Grief
Resources on Parent Death for parents and caregivers from Dougy Center, their section on supporting the youngest grievers, and their info on family members with an advanced serious illness.
Resources for Parents from the Bright Spot Network for parents with cancer and parents who are cancer survivors. They offer an online support group for parents facing stage IV cancer.

Note: my other more general post on Talking to Children about Death covers some of this same info, but also has other tips and resources you may find helpful.