This post is the text of a handout I created for orientation at my co-operative preschool (I’ve added links for learning more), so it talks about how we do things in our classroom, but all of these 12 principles apply to parents and teachers in all settings.
Respect! Let’s commit to a fundamental belief that everyone here (kids and parents) is doing the best they can given their developmental level, skills and knowledge, and challenges in their past and current environment. And… we all have bad days. When you have a bad moment, call yourself on it, apologize as needed, forgive yourself and commit to doing better. When someone else is having a bad moment, don’t judge.
Kids do well if they can. If someone (kid or adult) is “mis-behaving”, ask yourself: What skills do they lack? What support do they need? What stressors are making it hard to do well right now? When those things are noticed and addressed, behavior improves.
Everyone does better when they know what to expect and what’s expected of them. Consistent routines, clearly explained expectations (not “unwritten rules” they need to guess), well thought-out limits and follow-through on promises (both promised rewards and promised consequences) create an environment where a child can do well.
All feelings are OK. (Not all behaviors are.) We all have lots of big feelings. We’re all learning how to manage them appropriately. When a child is calm, we can teach appropriate ways to express feelings. When someone has big feelings, it helps to validate that. If their feelings led to bad behavior, also address that: “Wow, you were mad she took your toy. I understand. But you hit her, and that was not OK.”
When someone flips their lid, co-regulate before anything else. When we are calm and feel safe, we have access to our whole fully developed brain. So a young child can speak in sentences, follow the rules, make fairly good choices. But, when we are really scared, or sad, or mad, or just overwhelmed by too much stimulus or too many demands, we “flip our lids.” We can’t speak, we can’t be reasoned with… If you have a child who is in full meltdown, it’s not the time to teach or to explain or to ask them to make better choices. Instead, co-regulate. Get yourself calm, get down to their level, speak in a quiet voice. Set clear limits and tell them what needs to happen next.
Every kid is unique and has different needs and capabilities. We are a multi-age class, so our kids are at different developmental stages. Development is asynchronous, so you might have a child with high skills in one area and low in another. Also, we all have different interests, different temperaments, different sensory and support needs, different degrees of flexibility before we hit a breaking point. If you find yourself worrying that your child is “behind” other children, or find yourself judging other children for areas they’re struggling in, remember this range. Judge each child’s progress based solely on – is this child progressing well from where they used to be?
These kids are little. They’re still learning. These kids are practicing everything. Practicing kindness, practicing sitting still and listening, practicing good choices, how to do things without making a mess. They’re going to make a lot of mistakes along the way or have days they’re not doing well. We’ll just keep working on it. Instead of telling them “don’t do that”, tell them what TO DO. Instead of assuming they know how to behave well, tell them what would be a positive action to do in that moment.
Growth Mindset/ Power of Yet. “You can’t do it yet, but you’ll get there.” At times, a child can almost do something – they’re working on a puzzle, and they know how it’s supposed to work, but just can’t do it. That is super frustrating!! Don’t feel like you have to rescue them – sit by their side for support and encourage them to keep trying – suggest things to try but don’t jump in and solve it. When they make mistakes, say “hmm, we learned something that doesn’t work. What else could we try.” But… also notice when something is just too hard (or at least too hard in this moment). Teach that it’s OK to say “I can’t do this yet. I can set it aside and try again some other time.”
Process over Product. With crafts, we might have a sample of what a final product could look like. But the process is always more important. We honor a child’s right to make their own choices about what to do. (As long as they’re following the “make don’t break” rule.) What they learn in the process of doing something is more important than the product. So, while you are welcome to help them to do it themselves, please don’t just jump in and do it for them so it will “turn out nicer.” That’s not the point!
We are child-led, play-based. We set up a variety of great learning opportunities, but it’s up to the child to decide what they want to try, and how long to do it. If they start a project and don’t want to finish, that’s OK. If they only try two activities in a day, they didn’t “miss out” on everything else. They focused on what mattered to them.
Freedom Within Limits. Everyone Gets to Feel Safe. Everyone Gets to Play. We try to give children lots of choices. They’ll make some good choices and some bad. We want to let that happen so they learn from their mistakes. But, for the sake of safety (physical and emotional) and fairness, parents and teachers must set appropriate limits. We decide what options are on the table, and they decide from amongst those good options. If they do something unsafe or unfair, we set limits. For example, rough and tumble play is tons of fun, but only if everyone has consented and everyone stays safe.
Four Keys to Brain Development: Novelty, Repetition, Downtime, and Safety. Every time we experience something for the first time, we make new connections in our brain. Novelty is so exciting! Every time we see something familiar or repeat something we’re good at, we build competence and confidence. Repetition and routine is soothing! None of us can be learning and doing all the time. We all need breaks to rest and integrate new learning. Finding a balance of novelty, repetition and downtime and ensuring a child always feels safe and loved is the best way to support learning.
Handout
Here’s the handout version of this post – feel free to share anywhere.
This post is focused on elementary age children and questions to reflect on how parenting is different at this age. But first, let’s look at a theoretical approach to the different stages of parenting.
Stages of Parenting
Researcher Ellen Galinsky interviewed 228 parents (of 396 children) with diverse parenting experiences. She found common threads showing six distinct stages of parenting.
Stage One: Image-Making
Before the first baby is born, parents begin to create pictures in their minds of what parenting will be like and what kind of parent they hope to be. They began to adapt their home and their lifestyle to accommodate the child. They observe other parents and reflect on how they were parented to help create their self-image as a parent.
Stage Two: Nurturing
From birth through the first two years. Focused on physical care, soothing, snuggling, and playing. The main goal is to develop a relationship with their child. As the attachmentgrows, parents evaluate their priorities for how much time to spend with the baby versus other aspects of life, including other relationships, and how much of their identity is being a parent.
Stage Three: Authority
From about age 2 to age 5. Parents are more certain of their own identity as parents and of their relationship to their child. They begin to define the family’s rules, decide how strictly to enforce rules and what to do when rules are broken. The main task is deciding how much authority to exert over the child’s behavior versus how much freedom to allow.
Stage Four: Interpretive
The elementary school years. Parents evaluate their own strengths and challenges, and also evaluate their child in comparison to others and to their expectations. The main task is interpreting the child’s experiences as they are increasingly exposed to a world outside their family. Parents answer questions, and determine what behaviors and values to teach. They decide how and where the child spends time and with whom. They decide how involved to be, and when to make the decisions versus when to let a child make choices independently.
Stage Five: Interdependent
In the adolescent years, parents redefine their authority and renegotiate the relationship with their child, who is increasingly making decisions independently, out of the parent’s view. Parents need to trust that they have instilled good values in the child. They don’t allow their adolescent to have complete autonomy, but do allow for more discussion about rules.
Stage Six: Departure
As the child reaches adulthood, parents prepare for the departure, re-evaluate their parenting accomplishments and failures, and re-define their parenting identity and relationships. Parenting becomes less central to their identity and their daily lives.
Parenting in the Interpretive Stage
School and peer relationships assume the central role in the child’s life, and start pulling attention and energy away from the family unit. Parents have much less time with their children than before so need to be more focused on their goals for that time.
Here are decisions parents are making during their child’s elementary school years, as they realize the increasing separation between their identity and the child’s identity.
What kind of life do I want to provide? (And what can I afford to provide?) What do I say yes to in terms of new clothes or toys, and activities to do. What do I say no to? How do I manage the inevitable times when my child says “that’s not fair! All the other parents let their kids _____.”
How should I interpret the world for my child? For example, if they ask questions about race, death, sex, religion, and so on. How do I share my beliefs and values with them to give them an internal compass? (There are resources on how to talk about difficult topics at https://gooddayswithkids.com/better-you-than-youtube/)
How do I want my child to behave? (And have good behavior internalized as self discipline?)
What do I want them to be capable of and responsible for? (e.g. chores, practicing and playing an instrument or a sport) What new privileges / responsibilities will I introduce (for example: allowance, a phone, going places independently.)
How involved do I want to be involved in their life, at home and away from home?
When should I step in to help, and when should I back off and let them make decisions and try things independently?
How do I ensure they have the skills and knowledge to self-manage healthy habits like good nutrition, personal hygiene, and good sleep?
How involved do I want to be with the other significant people in their lives. (Friends, parents of friends, teachers, counselors, sports coaches…)
How do I support them when they’re navigating the emotional ups and downs of peer relationships? How do you monitor friendships while not overly interfering?
How do I hope to define our changing relationship? For example: how much do we hug, hold and cuddle as they get older? How involved are we in bedtime and morning routines? What do we do together for fun and connection?
When they are adults, how do I want them to look back on this time? How am I hoping they’ll remember what kind of parent I was?
Note: I have a more general post on talking to children about the concept of death that I would recommend for most readers. This particular post is much more specific than that – it is focused on how to talk to a very young child (age 2 to 5) about the impending / expected death of a parent (or a grandparent.other adult who is very involved in the child’s day to day life.) It may be relevant as someone is nearing end of life or has been placed in hospice care.
First, I want to acknowledge that this is a very heartbreaking thing to have to talk about. For you, as the adult who is in the midst of this difficult situation and will have these sad conversations with the child – this is hard emotional work, and I encourage you to seek out support for yourself as well and to do the self-care that nourishes you through these hard times.
But, although it is challenging, I think it is important to have these conversations. To be honest with children about the realities of the upcoming loss. Trying to shield the child from anticipatory grief will only make it harder for them when the loss happens and the full grief becomes a part of their life. Talking about it now allows them to begin to process it, and allows you to create meaningful and loving moments with them as you begin with saying goodbyes.
Let’s look at what a child this age is capable of understanding, and some key ideas to talk with them about.
Explaining Death to a Young Child
Before talking about the upcoming loss of a child’s loved one, it’s best to start by making sure they have an understanding of what death is.
Explain what death is in very concrete ways – this is not the time for flowery metaphors like “go to a better place.” Instead, share these ideas:
Death is the cessation of life functions. Use simple terms and examples from their life experience. “Do you remember when your pea plant died, and it stopped growing and started to shrivel up?” “Do you remember when we saw that dead squirrel in the park? They looked like they were sleeping, but their heart had stopped, and their brain didn’t work anymore.”
Death is permanent. Once something has died, it will not come back to life. If someone we love dies, we won’t see them again.
Everything that is alive will someday die. Some things / beings live a very long time, and others live for a short time. Sometimes death happens suddenly, sometimes someone is sick for a long time before dying.
Death is caused by physical reasons. Describe in a simple, non-graphic way what can cause a death.
Even though someone may not be alive any more, we can always hold them in our memories.
For a preschooler, age 2.5 – 5: Even if you clearly explain what death is, they may not be able to grasp what you mean. Permanence is hard to understand. They may believe death is temporary and reversible, and may ask things like “but when will they come back?”
Teachable Moments
I often recommend that parents wait for teachable moments to talk about death. For example, if a child sees a dead bug on the window sill, or an animal that was hit by a car, or they hear that a friend’s pet died. Those are times a parent can introduce the topic. Or any time a child asks about death, calm, matter-of-fact answers are helpful. You can take advantage of these same moments. But, if you, or a close family member, is facing the end of life soon, you may feel the matter is too urgent to wait for teachable moments to appear, and may intentionally bring it up through conversations, or pretend play / storytelling, or through media.
There are many shows and movies where a character dies that you could use to introduce the subject. Two that I know of that are focused on helping a child understand death are the Mr. Roger’s goldfish episode and the Daniel Tiger episode.
If you have some time (days or weeks) to prepare, you could gradually sneak little conversations about death in and around all the normal toddler and preschool daily activities – don’t force it and don’t talk about only this… trust that you can gradually bring these conversations in.
If we use vague euphemisms, it’s confusing. Saying “mommy is sick” or “grandma went to sleep” or “daddy is going to go away soon” can cause a child to worry that the next time anyone gets sick in any way, or goes to sleep, they too will die, or any time any one leaves the room or the house, they might not come back. (This video talks more about how it’s helpful to use the word death instead of euphemisms.)
So, be clear about what disease is happening (e.g. cancer), what you might guess the timeline will be and what to expect. (As much as you can guess.) You don’t want to overwhelm them with details, but do give an honest overview.
An extremely important thing to address is who will care for them. Reassure them that they will be OK, and all their needs will still be tended to.
Having this conversation will be hard for you. You may cry. It’s OK. You can be honest with your child about how you are feeling. (Do be sure to get lots of support elsewhere so your child does not feel like they have to help you feel better.) But it’s OK for them to see your feelings.
How They May React
When you tell them, they might be very upset. Or they may have very little reaction. It may just be too hard for them to really grasp the meaning of the situation.
Even if your child won’t talk about it, they may play this out – you might see pretend play scenarios involving hospitalization, death, and dinosaur attacks and more. This is a normal part of them making sense of it all.
They may have times they worry a lot about it, there will be many more times where they seem to have no awareness of it and are just focused on being happy toddlers / preschoolers. This video is very helpful for understanding how this is developmentally normal.
Even if they aren’t voicing any concerns related to the illness, they may show some of these behaviors: regression (e.g. needing diapers again after having been potty trained, or thumb sucking after they had stopped), clinging, sleep disturbances, separation anxiety, or fear of the dark. You might see anger and temper tantrums. It is fine to give them extra support and be a little more relaxed about “the rules” but don’t go too far into total permissiveness. Having the old familiar routines and rules is actually reassuring to children and helps give them security that although there will be some huge changes, other things will stay the same.
There are a lot of things in any child’s life that are out of their control, and especially for your child in this moment. Giving them choices anywhere you can (like what clothes to wear or what to eat for breakfast) can help them to feel more powerful.
It might also be helpful to give them “jobs” they can do to help out, even if it’s as simple as bringing a cup of water or snack to the ill person, or helping to fluff their pillow. Feeling like they can make a difference for the person they love is empowering to a small child.
When to Have the Conversation
With an older child, like an elementary age or middle school child, a parent would be able to plan this out – plan a quiet time for a long uninterrupted conversation in a private place for a single focused conversation. The reality of small children and attention spans and how much they can take in at a time means that you just have to be on the lookout for an opening… when you have a moment where things are quiet and neither they or you are tired, stressed or hungry, there may be a chance to start the conversation. While you have their interest and engagement, keep going. But watch their cues. When they wander away, or disengage, or start pushing the conversation away, let it go. You can talk some more some other day.
Don’t put off the conversation waiting for the perfect moment to get it right. There is no perfect moment. The important part is to start the conversation, don’t avoid it.
And know that this is not a one and done conversation. Your child may continue to bring it up off and on, and ask questions, and ask to be told again something you think you’ve told them several times. This is part of the process of them taking in and understanding the information.
Answering their Questions / Concerns
Some common questions come up for kids. Listen for them, or even if they don’t voice these questions, you may want to talk about these issues proactively.
“Is it my fault?” Kids are naturally very self-centered. They may wonder/worry that they caused the illness because they were mad, or bad, or whatever. They need to be reassured that it’s not their fault.
“Are you leaving because you don’t love me?” Reassure them this is not the case!
“Will _____ die too?” If one loved one is dying, they might worry that others will too. I don’t ever promise that won’t happen, because none of us can promise that. But I do tell them I think it is HIGHLY unlikely.
“Will I die too?” I think it’s only fair to say “yes, you will die someday but I think it won’t be for a very long time.” If they ask “Can I die too to be with you?” let them know that as much as you love them, you want them to live a long and beautiful life.
“What happens after you die?” You can share your beliefs with them about this. Other important people in their lives might share different beliefs. That’s OK. I say it as “No one knows for sure, but here is what I believe.” Whatever you share, it is helpful to be clear that a dead person’s body will not come back to life and someone who has passed will not be visible / tangible to them in the same way as before death.
“Will it hurt?” Be honest about whether the dying process may or may not hurt and how health care will support that. But say that death itself does not hurt, and after death, there is no pain.
“Can we fix it?” Tell them that you really wish you could, but some things can’t be fixed. Reassure them that you are doing all you can to help these be as easy as it can be on everyone, and that even though it is still very hard, in the long run, you know they will have a happy life.
Books to Read
These are some books that could be effective for the person whose passing is nearing to read to the child. (You could even make a video of them with the child in their lap reading it aloud to them.)
With each, I include a link to the book description* and also a link to a video of a read aloud so you can see if the book feels like the right fit for your situation.
You’ll Find Me by Amanda Rawson Hill. (Video) This is beautiful. “I will not always be greeting the morning with you, but you’ll find me… in the way the sun spills through your window whispering wake up sleepyhead… I will not always be holding you tight in my lap, but you’ll find me… in the first notes of a familiar song…” The image at the top of this post is from this book.
You’ll Always Have My Love by Jennifer Chobar. (Video) Although I don’t think the rhymes are the best children’s writing, I do think there are beautiful messages in this book! I think it would be a very sweet thing for the person at life’s end to read to the child, if their belief system includes the idea that they’ll be watching over the child after they die.
When Mama Goes to Heaven by Jayna Russell. (Video) Talks about how the person they have lost can still be “found” in all the beauties of the world.
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr. (Video) Could be read after someone’s passing, but I also think it could be read beforehand, as a chance to preview what the feelings might be like and how to hold them gently.
Creating Memories
By being honest with a child about what’s coming, you create the opportunity to create special rituals and preserve memories. Make lots of videos, take lots of pictures, write letters to be given to them on each birthday, plan a memorial service together, whatever feels meaningful to you.
You can also do more things with all the other adults who will help to support the child after the death, strengthening all those relationships, and showing them that those adults have your trust.
Still Living Your Life
Sometimes when death is coming, families let that overwhelm everything. Every day becomes about that.
It’s OK to still do all the “normal” things that “normal” families do with small kids. And let your kid be a kid! Go to the playground, watch Bluey together, dance together, see friends for playdates, go to preschool or story time, and so on. And it’s OK to have bad days when you’re cranky at your kid, like all parents have days they’re cranky at their kids!
Nearing the end
As the health situation worsens, and the end comes closer, be honest with the child about what is happening and what to expect. Keep reminding the child that they are loved and that they will be well cared for, and although many things will change, that will remain the same.
It might be tempting to keep the child away from a loved one who is becoming quite sick and frail. But it is hard for the child if someone “disappears” from their life before they are truly gone, so follow the child’s lead. If they want to be with the person, let them be! If they are ready for a break, give them a break. Allowing them to have choices in the moment is helpful. There’s no easy path, but again, letting them have some choice and control can help.
Books that can be read to the child after the loss: Missing Mummy by Rebecca Cobb. (Video), Lost in the Clouds by Tom Timm Disbury. (Video), The Memory Box by Joanna Rowland (Video). Something Very Sad Happened by Zucker (Video.) The first two are about the loss of a mother. The third isn’t specific. The last is about the loss of a grandmother. But I believe the reader could adapt these to the child’s situation.
One important thing is that people continue to talk about the person who has died. Sometimes they avoid this because they fear it will make the child sad. It actually tends to be healing and calming to children to continue to hear about this person who was so important to them.
Note about links for book titles: these are Amazon affiliate links, so I would get a small referral fee if you clicked through and then purchased, but I also encourage you to get the book from your favorite independent bookseller.
More Resources:
There are lots more helpful resources on these sites:
Note: my other more general post on Talking to Children about Death covers some of this same info, but also has other tips and resources you may find helpful.
This year has been an especially tense year related to politics in the United States. “Every year the American Psychological Association takes a look at the leading causes of stress in the U.S…. This year… all the usual suspects like money, health and family are still wearing people down, but one issue is dominating – politics… the future of the nation… 80% of Republicans rated it a top stressor, so did 79% of Democrats and 73% of Independents.” (NPR)
When parents are stressed, we tend to be less patient, get annoyed more quickly – sometimes over-reacting to small things. Our children feel that stress and may wonder if they are doing something wrong that is the reason their parents are unhappy, or may worry that bad things will happen to their family.
If you’re feeling stressed about the election, admit it to your child – let them know that they are right about what they are noticing about your feelings. But also reassure them that they have done nothing wrong and you are not upset at them. Also, reassure them that things will be OK in the end – I know that you yourself may not be feeling confident right now that things will be OK in the long run, but this is a time to dig down for whatever optimism you have, or faith or resilience, in order to reassure your child.
I have an approach for talking to kids about anything that scares them or scares you or raises your anxiety levels high – it’s especially relevant to things we may feel we have little control over (like national elections!).
Be thoughtful about how much exposure they have to the issue that is concerning
If they bring it up, or ask a question, don’t avoid it, just answer it briefly with a simple reassuring explanation.
Talk about how likely (or unlikely) the thing you’re worrying about is to happen.
Tell them what will be done to prevent bad outcomes as fall-out from that.
Reassure them that even if bad things happens, people are tough and resilient, and pull together and make it through.
So, to apply that approach to the election:
Be thoughtful about media exposure:
While you might be tempted to doom-scroll media and social media binge for all the most recent updates, try to save that for times your child is not observing you. If you are checking on things, just remind your child that their world is OK, you just have some worries about things in the outside world but that they are still safe and loved.
In 2016, when my child was almost 6, I did something that I wouldn’t recommend you repeat – I came home from work at 8:30 pm on election night and was upset and turned on the TV to watch – he heard it, got out of bed, and came to watch with me. We were all up VERY late that night, upset over election results. (And I imagine that other parents may have had a similar experience on election night 2020 for opposite political reasons.) A better choice would have been for me to turn it off, get him settled for bed, and then do what I needed to do to process the results. And I could have reassured him from a belief that I DO hold, even though it was hard to hold in that moment: as MLK said “Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”
Responding to their questions
Even young children will hear about the election – I remember when George W Bush was up for election (and with the whole Bush v. Gore hanging chads saga) my older kids who were early elementary at the time had lots of questions. Answer questions as simply as possible, then ask them if they have more questions before continuing to info dump your own anxiety on them.
For younger children, say under 8 years old, I would focus as much as I could on optimistic perspectives, reassuring them that they’ll be OK, and focusing on the things in our personal life that we do have control on and not as much about the broader world that we have less control over.
How Likely / Reducing Harm
RIght now, I have a 13 year old who follows me around asking me “the polls are so close, who’s going to win?” I tell him that millions of people around the world want to know that, and nobody has a good answer to that. Then he asks me again, “yeah, I know, but what do you think is going to happen?” I acknowledge that he’s feeling anxious and that it’s hard to sit in uncertainty.
He wants to know what will happen after the election – he has a lot of worries about what things will be like if one candidate wins.
Because my child is a teenager, I talk more openly about what challenges we would likely face over the next four years, and also talk about what people and organizations who are politically aligned with us will be doing to help mitigate the harms. And about the idea of checks and balances – while not perfect by any means, different governmental systems can reduce the most extreme policies.
Resilience
I also talk about how I’m coping with my own worries about that by thinking about all the positive reasons that I think that even if things are hard for a while (especially for certain marginalized groups), over the next many years things will get better. I talk about the ways that our society has progressed over my lifetime and his grandparents’ lifetime – progress is not fast or easy, but it does bend toward justice. We also talk about what we can do as individuals to help with that progress.
Self Care
If you need support processing your worries about this election, reach out to friends and family. Or, if there is political strife within your friends and family, search online for things like Facebook groups or Reddit forums where you can find people who share your views to help you not feel so alone. (Note: if a forum is soothing to you, stay in – if it just escalates your emotions even further, move on from it.) Do the usual self care things – sleep, get outdoors for a walk, eat well. We’ll get through this.
Young children love to sort things by color, or by shape, or by type (e.g. car or train?). They make sense of their world by seeing how things fit into categories. And in most cases, we encourage them to think about classifications – especially when it helps them to remember to put the Legos in the Lego bin, the books on the bookshelf, and the dirty socks in the laundry basket!
But, when they try to sort out categories of people: race, gender, ability, age, and more, we tend to get all flustered. We worry about saying the wrong thing, causing offense, creating prejudice, etc.
For example, consider our approach to racial differences. Children are very aware of different skin tones, even as young as 6 months. But when kids ask about it, how do parents respond? Most non-white parents talk openly and frequently about race. But research finds that 75% of white parents almost never talk about race – they just change the subject. Or if well-meaning white parents do talk about race, they try the “color-blind” approach and say “we’re all the same.” This mystifies a young child who can clearly see we are NOT all the same, and can confuse an older child who has noticed that we are not all treated the same.
If parents avoid a subject, or become awkward around it, kids get the message that the topic is “taboo.”
How might our kids’ perception be changed if we instead acknowledge and celebrate differences?
Talk about Differences
When reading books, watching movies, or people watching, talk about differences easily and openly. Note different skin colors, ages, gender expressions, weight, ability, clothing / hairstyles, languages spoken, family compositions, and more. Teach descriptive words / labels they can use, like Asian, gay, disabled, multi-racial – you can say any of these things just as easily as you would say “look, there’s a girl and a boy in that picture” or “that child has red hair like you”.
As they get older, we’ll help them learn that no one can be defined by any one label. But, when they are just starting to sort things out, giving some labels as we talk about differences builds vocabulary and context for understanding the broader world.
Be careful not to add in biased judgments or stereotypes when talking about differences, such as: “She’s only got a mama, no daddy. That must be hard for her.” “He’s Asian, I bet he does well in school.” “She likes football? That’s a boy’s sport.”
Talk about Commonalities
You don’t want to talk only about commonalities – “they’re just like us!” But, once you’ve acknowledged a difference your child has noticed, then you can also talk about universal needs and common interests. “You’re right, her skin is a different color than yours. Her ancestors came from a different part of the world than ours did. I think you both love soccer.” “Yes, you have just me as your parent, and most of your classmates have two parents – sometimes a mom and a dad, sometimes two moms or two dads. But all of you get lots of love and snuggles, right?” “They wear those special clothes as part of their religion. We don’t wear special clothes, but we do celebrate special holidays because of our religious beliefs.”
Answer Questions about Differences
I have a visible handicap, and it’s pretty common for me to overhear a child saying “mama, how come that lady only has one leg?” Some parents ignore the question, change the subject, “shush” the child or drag the child away from me. These reactions tell the child that my being an amputee is something that is “not OK” to talk about. It implies that disability is something shameful or embarrassing.
Instead, when your child asks questions about differences, try these approaches:
Acknowledge the difference – “you’re right, and that’s different than what you’re used to, but it is pretty common.”
After acknowledging it, it’s better to address it right away, but you could say “we’ll talk about it later.” (If you say this, then be sure to talk about it later!)
Give a simple answer to the question, it you know it: “Those are called crutches. They help her to walk.” Or, if you don’t know, you might offer a general answer “I don’t know why she has one leg… some people are born without one and sometimes they lose a leg in an accident.”
Try to figure out how your child is feeling. If they’re simply curious and wanting to learn something, then just answer the question they asked. If you sense there’s any fear or discomfort for them, make some guesses about what their real underlying question is and address that.
Actively expose your child to other perspectives
Eat at ethnic restaurants, attend cultural festivals, visit museums which focus on other cultures, read books and see movies from many countries, learn bits of other languages. Seek out multi-generational communities – make friends with people of all ages. Connect with queer families. Attend public events hosted by faith communities. Choose to live in a diverse neighborhood and/or attend a diverse school.
In the early years (around preschool), we just focus on building an awareness of, understanding of, and appreciation for a wide variety of differences.
As they get older (around early elementary school), then we can add in that even though people may be different, we all have the same rights and deserve the same fair treatment.
As they get even older (by age 8 to 10), we can refine that into “we should all have the same rights and opportunities, but we don’t. What can we do together to help increase everyone’s access to the same opportunities?”
And with teens, we can add in discussion of systemic oppressions – classism, ableism, homophobia, and so on. Systemic oppression means that our society is set up in ways that benefit some classes of folks more than others, and thus inherently make it harder for them to succeed. If we benefit from these systems, then we should be working to ensure that everyone has the same benefit.
If you think you can skip these discussions, you likely are coming from a place of privilege. As a white parent, I can choose whether or not to talk about this. If my kids had brown skin, it wouldn’t be an option to not talk about it. Check out this article on how white parents talking about racism can help their kids support friends of color: www.scarymommy.com/black-child-friends/
In an increasingly diverse society, the more we try to pretend racism and sexism and such are things of the past, the more we allow them to persist. Having open and honest conversations about diversity will help us work together toward a more equitable society for all.
If you found this post helpful, you might like to check out my full series on Better You Than YouTube – Having the Hard Conversations with Your Kids which includes posts on how to talk about sex, gender, tricky people, death, natural disasters and other scary topics (for them or for you.)
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