Category Archives: Your Family

Four Parenting Styles

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Developmental theorists categorize parenting styles as authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved. Let’s look at those categories and the possible benefits and downsides of each approach. We’ll start with this illustration to summarize the idea, then walk through the details.

GRID

Two Gradients of Parenting Style

Responsiveness. The horizontal line addresses how much attention a parent pays to the child’s needs, demands, and unique temperament. Highly responsive parents attempt to foster individuality and independence by being attentive, supportive, and responsive to the child’s needs and the demands of the moment. A non-responsive parent applies the same rules / expectations to all children and all situations.

High Expectations (aka Demandingness), is how high the parent’s expectation is for obedience and “fitting in” to the family rules or to social norms. Demanding parents set clear goals and expectations, confront a child who disobeys, and disciplines when limits are crossed.

Four Parenting Styles

Note, for each I list potential benefits – how things can work out if this style of parenting is done well, and potential pitfalls – if you’re aware of them, you can work to avoid them.

Authoritarian (aka “The Boss”)

The parent is in control, the goals are obedience and reaching high expectations. Parents provide structured environments, set strict rules, and don’t explain rules beyond “I know what’s best for you.” Children may face consequences if they don’t meet standards, and may or may not be rewarded when they do. Children are scolded for showing negative emotions. Parents may not show overt affection. Potential Benefits: Children may perform well in school and not get in much trouble, and may excel at skills that require focus and discipline to learn. Potential Downsides: Some children may rebel and have poor relationships with parents. Some children may experience low self-esteem or an inability to make their own decisions.

Authoritative / Democratic / Balanced (aka “The Friendly Boss”)

The focus in on teaching decision-making, the goal is finding a balance between personal happiness and accomplishment. Democratic parents provide clear, reasonable expectations, explain why they expect children to behave that way, and monitor behavior in a warm and loving manner. Mistakes are used as a chance to teach important lessons rather than as an opportunity for punishment. Parents give limited choices based on developmental ability, balancing freedom with responsibility. Potential Benefits: Children are self-regulated, self-determined, cooperative, and socially responsible. Potential downsides: This style is harder work for the parents than the other styles.

Permissive (aka “The Friend”)

The focus is on meeting the child’s desires in the moment, the long-term goal is a happy life rather than specific accomplishments. Permissive parents have an indulgent laissez-faire attitude. They make few rules and routines, and may not consistently enforce the rules and routines they do establish. They want children to feel free, and have as many choices as possible. They may not have specific expectations for appropriate behavior, and accept their child in a warm and loving way, no matter how the child behaves. Potential Benefits: kids may have high self-esteem, good social skills, low depression, and be creative. Potential Downsides: Might perform poorly in school/work due to challenges with following rules, may alienate people by over-stepping boundaries.

Uninvolved 

Uninvolved parents may not give any guidance, punishment, or rewards. They may simply be detached, and un-interested in their children and their activities. Most provide the basic needs of life, but shrug off responsibility for their child’s activities and concerns. In extreme cases, this might include rejection and/or neglect. Children tend to be rebellious, irresponsible, perform poorly at school, and show signs of emotional distress.

Inconsistent Parenting (aka Wishy-Washy)

We’re all guilty of this at times… Some days you’re tired so you’re overly permissive and let your child do anything they want; then you over-correct and are overly authoritarian and set strict punishments. This is confusing and stressful for children. Children want to do well, and when the rules change it makes it hard for them to know how to do so. When setting family rules and expectations, be realistic with yourself about what you can consistently enforce.

choices grid

Parenting Style – Approach to Choices

Your parenting style may effect how many choices you let your child make. The authoritarian parent makes the choices for the child, dictating what should be done and what the consequences will be if it’s not done. An authoritative / democratic parent offers limited choices and teaches the child about the consequences of each choice. The permissive parents offers a wide range of acceptable options. The uninvolved parent leaves it to the child to figure out their own way in the world. Learn more here and in my post on how to effectively offer choices.

Learn More about Parenting Styles

Parenting Style: Are You a Helicopter Parent? Free Range Family? Tiger Mom?

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Popular media likes simple, black and white labels for more complicated ideas. For this post, I’ve gathered some trendy labels for different parenting styles. For five topics below, I’ll give two statements… decide which one comes closer to representing your feelings, and then see what “label” that would get you. I include links to resources where you can learn more about that parenting style. I often find that reading about other people’s philosophies helps me clarify what my own parenting philosophy is, and thus live it more effectively.

How should you care for a young baby? (under 6 months)

A: Parents should determine a schedule for baby’s feeding, diaper changes, and nap times. Parents provide structure, a predictable environment, and a consistent response style to train baby’s internal clock. They may leave a baby to “cry it out” as it learns self-soothing behavior.

B: Parents watch baby for hunger cues and feed on demand. They watch for toileting cues to know when a diaper change is imminent. When tired cues appear, they settle baby to sleep. Parents always respond to crying. Parents focus on being responsive to the child, and the family’s schedule adapts around baby’s needs.

If you chose A, that’s “parent led” style. One proponent of parent-led style is Gary Ezzo, author of On Becoming Baby Wise.

B is “child led” style. One proponent of baby-led style is the Sears family, authors of The Attachment Parenting Book.

Here are articles comparing a daily schedule for Parent-Led vs. Baby Led families

How much do you schedule enrichment activities (for your preschool age child)?

A: “Children are exposed to enrichment videos… from early infancy as well as specialized books and toys [and enrichment activities] designed to ensure that they are well-rounded and adequately stimulated for excelled development… considerable family resources are being invested to ensure that the children have what are marketed as the “very best” opportunities.” [Source]

B: “He doesn’t need toys… He sometimes picks up a stick and one moment it’s an airplane. Then it becomes a car, then a train, then a monster from the lagoon. What amazes me about this is his creativity and delight as he plays… In order for a child to be able to play like this and be inventive, he needs unscheduled time.” [Source]

These are the Scheduled vs. Un-Scheduled Parents. It may be best to find a good balances between the two sides. Here is an AAP article on the importance of play (and unstructured time): http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/119/1/182.full

How much do you intervene in your child’s conflicts? (for 5 year olds on the playground)

A: “I tried to be prepared and attentive. I would get up mid-conversation to help my boys negotiate and share if I sensed trouble was brewing. I parceled out snacks, helped them on the swings, and watched over my kids… being on top of things… was what good parents did.”

B: “Adults didn’t impose their notions of correct behavior onto the children’s natural, boisterous play. Play fighting was considered [normal]… Fighting, crying, and making up again were normal ways of figuring out how to get along… it was important not to interfere in this…”

These summaries are taken from Parenting without Borders by Christine Gross-Loh. A describes her observations about American parents versus Japanese parents. She goes on to discuss research that shows that at age 12, the Japanese kids are more empathetic and respectful of their peers. They treat other people right because it’s the right thing to do, and they know people will be unhappy if they do otherwise. Kids in America report that you need to be nice to others, because if you’re not, you’ll get caught and you’ll get in trouble with your parents or teachers.

How much do you protect your child vs. allowing free exploration?

A: These parents have a high level of oversight and supervision, providing frequent advice, reminders, and assistance. Parents protect from harm and upset, and help with decision making. Parents “smooth the way” by being actively engaged with teachers, coaches, etc.

B: These parents encourage children to actively and independently explore their worlds. “We don’t want our kids to fall off a bike. But we do want them to learn to ride. We can [either] hold onto handlebars forever, or wish them luck and then let go.”

A is the Helicopter Parent. Learn more at http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/04/in-defense-of-helicopter-parents/; http://www.schoolofsmock.com/2013/08/19/helicopterparenting/  – Your Hovering Doesn’t Help

B is a Free Range Parent. Learn more at https://time.com/3828533/free-range-parenting/ and http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/03/hey-parents-leave-those-kids-alone/358631/

How would you approach school, homework, and piano practice? (for a 10 year old or so…)

A: “What [these] parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences… Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it’s math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun.”

B: “[This] includes trusting your child in what they choose to learn; you extend that same trust to other areas of your child’s life, like foods, media, television, bedtime. Parenting is supposed to be joyful, and it can be when we learn to connect with, rather than control, our children. The focus of our life is on happiness and pursuing our interests with reckless abandon together. We totally immerse ourselves in our passions every single day.”

A describes a “director” approach to parenting. Amy Chua, self-described “Chinese Mother”, describes this in Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother: Learn more: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html  or Video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlHLyHw47AU

B is Radical Un-Schooling. Read more from Dayna Martin at Radical Unschooling: https://daynamartin.com/the-evolution-of-childrens-rights-radical-unschooling/ , https://learninghappens.wordpress.com/2011/09/24/unschooling-is-not-child-led-learning/  Or Video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFgVgRvmSeM

Another perspective on parenting styles

Researchers in psychology and child development often refer to 4 styles of parenting: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, and Uninvolved. (Learn more here.) On that scale, all the A choices above (Parent-Led, Helicopter Parent, etc.) lean toward the Authoritarian – high on demand, low on responsiveness.

All the B choices (Child Led, Free Range Parent, Radical Unschooler) lean toward Permissive – high on responsiveness, low on demand.

You may have heard the phrase “all things in moderation.” That definitely can apply to parenting. Any of these approaches can work well if applied with a light touch. But they could all be taken too far. Parents who go too far in the authoritarian direction may end with children  who follow rules and don’t get into trouble, but might be less creative, and less happy. Parents who go too far in the permissive direction may end up with kids who are creative and happy, but have a hard time succeeding in school, peer relationships, and work.

Wherever you stand, it may be helpful to moderate a little toward the center of the spectrum between these extremes… an authoritative parent tries to find a good balance between challenging their kids to help them succeed while at the same time honoring them as individuals.

Parent Educators, here’s a couple options for a free printable handout on parenting style spectrums1. Parenting Style

Also check out this article on: 23 Parenting Philosophies and Methods Explained.

Finding Time to Take Care of Your Own Needs

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As the New Year is about to begin, let’s take a moment to look at ways to make time and space for meeting your own needs….

Giving Yourself Permission to Take Care of Your Needs

The first big step is to acknowledge that you have your own individual needs and that you have the right to sometimes be “selfish” and put your own needs first. Doing this will make you a happier, relaxed, more energized parent, which will lead to happier kids. It’s like when you’re on the airplane, and they say “if the oxygen mask drops down, first put on your own mask, and then assist small children.”

Working with Your Child’s Schedule and Needs

Sometimes you can fit in self care while caring for your child. What distracts your child enough that you can get a moment to yourself? Will they play happily in the bathtub while you sit on the floor nearby watching a movie on a laptop, or giving yourself a manicure? Can they play in a playground while you read a great book? Can you take them for a walk, while you listen to a podcast or call a friend? Can you take them to a swimming pool with floaties on and do water exercise while they splash around? Can you have a mostly uninterrupted lunch with a friend if you let your child watch a video while you do so?

Make a list of “5 minute self care ideas” – little things you can do for yourself when you have a moment.

Prioritizing

Is there something you would love to do, but just can’t figure out how to make it happen? If so, start making a plan. First, it’s good to figure out why you want it, and what part of it is most important to you (e.g. if you find yourself longing for a movie, figure out: is it getting caught up in a story that matters – if so, watch videos at home after you child is in bed. Is it being out in a theater that matters – if so, take your toddler to a daytime matinee of a kids’ movie, or find a sitter so you can see a grown-up movie. Is it really just important to have two hours of uninterrupted time where you’re responsible for nothing? Well, then the goal is to be child-free, and it doesn’t matter much what you do!)

Contingency Planning

Once you’ve made a plan, then have a plan for contingencies: if X happens, what will I do? If Y happens, who will deal with it? Think: what’s the worst thing that could happen? When would I know it was time to give up, and try again some other day? Have alternatives planned. Even if the plan fails, you will have accomplished one very important thing. You will have demonstrated that your own needs are important, and placed a priority on nurturing you. Celebrate that!!  And have a plan to try again.

Asking for Help

Ask other people (friends, families, or paid professionals) to help out. In addition to asking for help with taking care of your child(ren), ask them to help you take care of yourself! Often parents will get their partner to take care of the child, or hire babysitters so they can do the things they have to do, like grocery shopping or doctor’s appointments, but they feel guilty asking for help so they can do something “selfish” that they want to do, like meeting a friend for coffee, or just taking a morning off. It’s OK to ask for help getting your desires met as well as your needs. And if the first person you ask says no, find someone else to ask!

Parent Educators: here’s a free printable handout on self care for parents, which includes all these tips.

Stress and Parenting

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Stress in America

On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is “a great deal of stress”: Americans, on average, believe 3.6 would be a healthy level of stress. However, Americans rate themselves as 5.2 on average. 72% say their stress level has increased or stayed the same over the past 5 years. 70% have symptoms related to stress, such as irritability, fatigue, feeling overwhelmed, changes in sleeping habits, or unhealthy eating habits.

Parents of toddlers certainly feel stress such as recent changes in financial status and relationships, disrupted sleep schedules, and the challenges of constantly supervising energetic, emotionally volatile children.

Types of stress

  • Positive stress comes from short-term challenges, such as getting a shot, having a toy taken away, falling and hurting themselves. If children are given support in managing and overcoming the challenge, these offer good learning experiences, and teach skills for managing future stressors.
  • Tolerable stress is from adverse experiences that are intense but fairly short-lived, like the death of a loved one, moving to a new home, a frightening accident. With support, these can also be managed.
  • Toxic stress results from intense adverse experiences over a long period of time – weeks to years. Our stress response system was designed for short-term threats, like running away from a saber-tooth tiger. If we are in stress response for a long time, the cortisol can damage the brain. The more out of control someone feels about a situation, the more likely they are to experience harm from the stress.

How stress affects children

Research and experience have shown that

  • In the short-term, stress may lead a parent to be less patient, and to get more annoyed more quickly, thus leading to sometimes over-reacting to small things. (For example, a parent who is over-burdened with tasks may get very upset at the everyday messes that a toddler creates.)
  • Children of stressed parents may have more headaches, insomnia, irritability, and behavior issues.
  • Long-term chronic stress can affect brain development and disrupt functioning of the immune system. On-going stress in childhood can increase the risk of obesity, mental health issues, learning disabilities, heart disease, and allergies.
  • If the parent models unhealthy coping mechanisms, it can also increase the risk of the child experiencing substance abuse, eating disorders, and self-harming behaviors.

HOWEVER…. If parents work to reduce stress, model healthy coping behaviors, seek support when needed, and offer their children support with coping, the chance of their children suffering these ill effects decreases.

Reducing stress and managing stress

Reducing your stress level

Make a list of the things that stress you out. Then put a check by the ones you feel out of control of. Those are the ones that create the most toxic stress. Can you eliminate them? Reduce them? What do you need to do to manage them? Can you ask someone for help?

Handling a bad day

We’re all going to have “bad days” now and then, where we’re sad all day, or cranky all day, sometimes for no reason at all, sometimes for many very good reasons. What we can do:

  • Talk to our kids about how we’re feeling and why (even if the why is “I don’t know why I feel like this”). Even young children can see our anger or sadness, and if we don’t explain, they assume it’s their fault.
  • Ask your child for ideas for what helps them when they’re feeling grumpy or sad. This helps reinforce for them that we all need to develop coping skills, and when we’re not coping, we can all ask for help.
  • If you are doing an activity to reduce your stress, like deep breathing, exercise, or dancing to music, ask your child to join you. That will help them release the stress they’ve absorbed from you.
  • Don’t be afraid to admit when you did something wrong. Apologize to them if you yelled or hurt them.

Model healthy coping behaviors

Children learn a lot from what we say to them when we are meaning to “teach” them. They learn even more from observing us as we go through our days. Sometimes they learn positive things – like when we model healthy coping strategies and self-care. Sometimes they see the less positive ways we respond to stressful situations. John Medina, in Brain Rules, recommends this exercise.

  1. Make a list of all the behaviors you usually demonstrate to the world: do you laugh a lot? Swear a lot? Express joy? Express frustration? Eat healthy? Spend a lot of time looking at screens?
  2. Circle the ones you are most proud of, and/or the ones you want your child to copy. If there are things you’re not proud of, and you would be ashamed to see your child doing them, cross those out.
  3. Commit to doing something about it. Do more of the good, and less of the bad.

Stress reducers to try

  • Take a few deep breaths. Imagine breathing in calm, and releasing tension with the exhale.
  • Visualization. Imagine yourself in a calm, safe environment. Visualize what you would see, smell, hear, feel, and taste there. The more vivid the image, the more it will calm you.
  • Muscle relaxation. When you catch yourself worrying, instead, focus on this exercise. Notice where you are tense, take a deep breath, and let that muscle relax and soften.
  • Social support. Reach out to a friend. Ideally, you talk about what’s stressing you and get support with that. But sometimes even a chat about the weather can reduce your stress level.
  • Re-define success. If you think you must be a perfect parent every day, you’re going to fail at that. But, if you think: I hope to have more good-parent days than crappy-parent days, your stress level will drop.
  • Eat well: Eat whole, non-processed foods, especially those high in potassium, magnesium, calcium, and omega-3s. Caffeine in moderation.
  • Be physically active. Exercise is one of the best stress relievers. This doesn’t mean you should get stressed out that you failed to go to the gym! Just be active in whatever way works for you.
  • Relax with music. Listen to music, dance, or make music.
  • If you’re angry at someone (like the person who just cut  you off in traffic), try thinking positive thoughts about that person, and empathize with why they might be having a bad day too.
  • Make more space in your life for self-care: doing the little things that make you happy, whether that’s reading, playing piano, visiting friends, or whatever! You deserve some special time!

Sources

When Mama has a Bad Day: http://coreparentingpdx.com/2012/when-mama-has-a-bad-day/#sthash.rpefX6YN.dpuf
How parental stress can affect your children: http://ezinearticles.com/?How-Parental-Stress-Can-Affect-Your-Children&id=6598316
Early Childhood Adversity, Toxic Stress, and the Role of the Pediatrician http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/129/1/e224.long
The Effects of Childhood Stress on Health Across the Lifespan. CDC. http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/pub-res/pdf/Childhood_Stress.pdf
Stress-Busting Secrets http://www.spu.edu/depts/uc/response/summer2k9/features/stress-busting.asp
Healthy Ways to Cope with Stress: http://www.spu.edu/depts/uc/response/summer2k9/features/cope-with-stress.asp
The biological threat of stress. http://brainrules.blogspot.com/search?q=stress
Impact of stress. APA. http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2012/impact.aspx#
www.aboutourkids.org/articles/parenting_hardest_job_in_world_coping_strategies_parents_when_going_gets_rough
www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/crying-colic-9/stress-and-your-baby

Staying Connected with Family Long-Distance

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Unlike much of human history, where all the relatives were within a very short distance, today’s parents are often separated from their extended family by hundreds or thousands of miles. (For example, amongst parents who participated in PEPS support groups in Seattle, only 42% had family they could count on for support within a half hour drive versus 22% “longer drive”, and 34% “too far to drive.”)

However, with the assistance of modern technology and travel, it’s possible to build and maintain friendships over the miles.

Mail

Good old-fashioned snail mail is very appealing to children – they love having something tangible to open and look at. This doesn’t have to mean a hand-written letter. A grandparent could send postcards, or an envelope with a few stickers in it, or a puzzle from a magazine, or the comics. We don’t get a newspaper at home, and years ago when my girls visited my parents, they loved reading the comics in the paper my parents subscribe to. Ever since then, my parents pack up the Sunday comics every few weeks and send them to the girls. Now half of the comics come to our house, and the others go to my oldest daughter at college to share with her dorm mates.

Skype and Phone Calls

Phone calls are nice. But Skype is even better! Being able to see the child’s face will be precious to your family. And for your young children, having the image of the face as well as the voice makes a huge difference in helping them to connect. Here are some ideas on how to make the most of calls:

  • Prep your family member ahead of time with ideas for questions to ask that will help engage the child in a conversation. With a toddler, you might tell family to ask “what does a dog say? What does a cat say” and so on. With a teenager, you might clue in your family in advance that they should ask about a movie your child recently saw, or a trip you’re planning.
  • Prep your child ahead of time by reminding them what they know about that family member.
  • Remember that toddler attention spans are short. Short but frequent calls are better for building relationships. A 2 minute call every day is more fun than 15 minutes once a week.
  • Some people read a story book to the child over the phone / computer. This may be easier for a young child to engage in than a conversation is. They could read the same book every week and the child would probably love that! (When they visit, they can read it in person!)
  • Some grandparents like to do “magic”: they coordinate with you to have a snack at home that they also have. They can then “send it through the phone” and you make it magically appear.

Recordings and Photos

  • Search for “recordable storybooks” on Amazon, or at Hallmark.com, and you’ll find several picture books that a family member can record their voice on, telling the story.
  • Film a family member talking or telling stories, or giving your child a tour of their home or one of their favorite places. Your child can watch it again and again.
  • Photos: have photos of family members around the house, and talk about those people often. (And not just formal portraits on the wall! Also have snapshots the child can carry around.)
  • Take plenty of pictures when family members visit. Make a scrapbook. Review it with your child before the next visit.

Book

There is a sweet book called I Love You Near and Far by Parker, illus by Henry that a long-distance family member might read over Skype/Zoom to a child.

Other recommended articles: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grandparenting.htm

http://www.babyzone.com/parenting/keeping-grandparents-connected_12904099

http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/good-longdistance-relationship-toddler-grandchild-13325.html

http://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/grandparents/relating-to-grandparents/?page=3