Category Archives: Parenting

How Parenting Changes as Kids Get Older

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I often have the honor of working with parents for many years, from birth through age 9. The topics we focus on change as the children get older.

Stages of Parenting

Researcher Ellen Galinsky interviewed 228 parents (of 396 children) with diverse parenting experiences. She found common threads showing six distinct stages of parenting.

Stage One: Image-Making

Before the first baby is born, parents begin to create pictures in their minds of what parenting will be like and what kind of parent they hope to be. They began to adapt their home and their lifestyle to accommodate the child. They observe other parents and reflect on how they were parented to help create their self-image as a parent.

Stage Two: Nurturing

From birth through the first two years. Focused on physical care, soothing, snuggling, and playing. The main goal is to develop a relationship with their child. As the attachmentgrows, parents evaluate their priorities for how much time to spend with the baby versus other aspects of life, including other relationships, and how much of their identity is being a parent.

Stage Three: Authority

From about age 2 to age 5. Parents are more certain of their own identity as parents and of their relationship to their child. They begin to define the family’s rules, decide how strictly to enforce rules and what to do when rules are broken. The main task is deciding how much authority to exert over the child’s behavior versus how much freedom to allow.

Stage Four: Interpretive

The elementary school years. Parents evaluate their own strengths and challenges, and also evaluate their child in comparison to others and to their expectations. The main task is interpreting the child’s experiences as they are increasingly exposed to a world outside their family. Parents answer questions, and determine what behaviors and values to teach. They decide how and where the child spends time and with whom. They decide how involved to be, and when to make the decisions versus when to let a child make choices independently.

Stage Five: Interdependent

In the adolescent years, parents redefine their authority and renegotiate the relationship with their child, who is increasingly making decisions independently, out of the parent’s view. Parents need to trust that they have instilled good values in the child. They don’t allow their adolescent to have complete autonomy, but do allow for more discussion about rules.

Stage Six: Departure

As the child reaches adulthood, parents prepare for the departure, re-evaluate their parenting accomplishments and failures, and re-define their parenting identity and relationships. Parenting becomes less central to their identity and their daily lives.

Parenting in the Interpretive Stage

School and peer relationships assume the central role in the child’s life, and start pulling attention and energy away from the family unit. Parents have much less time with their children than before so need to be more focused on their goals for that time.

Here are decisions parents are making during their child’s elementary school years, as they realize the increasing separation between their identity and the child’s identity.

  • What kind of life do I want to provide? (And what can I afford to provide?) What do I say yes to in terms of new clothes or toys, and activities to do. What do I say no to? How do I manage the inevitable times when my child says “that’s not fair! All the other parents let their kids _____.”
  • How should I interpret the world for my child? For example, if they ask questions about race, death, sex, religion, and so on. How do I share my beliefs and values with them to give them an internal compass? (There are resources on how to talk about difficult topics at https://gooddayswithkids.com/better-you-than-youtube/)
  • How do I want my child to behave? (And have good behavior internalized as self discipline?)
  • What do I want them to be capable of and responsible for? (e.g. chores, practicing and playing an instrument or a sport) What new privileges / responsibilities will I introduce (for example: allowance, a phone, going places independently.)
  • How involved do I want to be involved in their life, at home and away from home?
  • When should I step in to help, and when should I back off and let them make decisions and try things independently?
  • How do I support homework?
  • How do I ensure they have the skills and knowledge to self-manage healthy habits like good nutrition, personal hygiene, and good sleep?
  • How involved do I want to be with the other significant people in their lives. (Friends, parents of friends, teachers, counselors, sports coaches…)
  • How do I support them when they’re navigating the emotional ups and downs of peer relationships? How do you monitor friendships while not overly interfering?
  • How do I hope to define our changing relationship? For example: how much do we hug, hold and cuddle as they get older? How involved are we in bedtime and morning routines? What do we do together for fun and connection?
  • When they are adults, how do I want them to look back on this time? How am I hoping they’ll remember what kind of parent I was?

A helpful resource for child development milestones for these years, and how to support your child’s growth and learning is: https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/ages-stages/school-age-children-development-parenting-tips/

Top Ten Takeaways

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I was just writing an end of year email to a parenting class, and wrote down my top ten takeaways from our whole year of learning together. They are also a fair summary of the information you’ll find on this blog:

  1. Every child is a unique individual and needs a unique parenting approach. What’s right for someone else may not be right for your situation. Trust your instincts and reach out for support when needed from people who understand kids like yours.
  2. Children behave better when they know what to expect and what’s expected of them. If a child is not behaving well, ask yourself: What support do they need, what systems would make it easier for them to be successful, what skills do they still need to learn?
  3. All feelings are OK, but not all behaviors are OK. Validate your child’s emotions and offer support, while still setting appropriate limits. Teach appropriate ways to express big feelings, and model self-calming skills.
  4. With food: parents decide when and where it’s offered and what is offered. Children decide whether to eat and how much to eat. With all choices: Parents decide what options are on the table, children choose amongst those appropriate options.
  5. Kids need time to run, to be loud, to be silly, to explore their world. Make sure there are a lot of “yes” times and places in their day. Taking small and manageable risks builds skills and independence, even if it means an occasional bump or bruise.
  6. We learn from mistakes. Embrace them! Teach your child the Power of Yet: “you can’t do it yet, but someday, if you keep trying, you’ll be so good at it!”
  7. Children learn best when they feel safe and happy, so play-based learning is powerful. Brains develop through novelty – being exposed to new experiences – and repetition – having the chance to do something again and again till they master it. Explore art, the outdoors, large motor play, building things, doing crafts, and more.
  8. Music and stories build language skills, vocabulary, memory, emotional intelligence, and knowledge of diverse life experiences. And they bring joy!
  9. There is no one right way to parent. If you, your child, and other family members are happy, healthy, and succeeding at your goals, then all is well. If you’re unhappy or not feeling successful, seek out new ideas and seek out support. (Parenting classes, counseling, support groups or just connecting with other parents!)
  10. You will have good days and bad days as a parent. When you have a bad day and are not the parent you want to be, acknowledge that, forgive yourself and commit to doing better in the future. When you are having more good days than bad, celebrate that! You’re doing a great job.

Here’s a PDF of those takeaways.

Top Ten TakeawaysDownload

Measles – what parents want to know

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In 2025, there were 2267 cases of measles in the United States, and 70% of those were in children. 11% were hospitalized. There were 3 deaths from measles. These are the first measles-related deaths in the United States in a decade. 2026 is trending to be worse, with 588 cases by the end of January. (In 2024, there were only 285 cases in the entire year.)

So it’s time for an update on measles: what is it, how contagious is it, and how to prevent the spread (hint: the measles vaccine substantially reduces your risk.)

photo of measles rash from CDC

What is Measles?

Measles symptoms appear 7 to 14 days after contact with the virus. Measles typically begins with: High fever (may spike to more than 104°), cough, runny nose, red, watery eyes.

2 – 3 days after symptoms begin, white spots in the mouth may develop.

3 – 5 days after symptoms begin, the measles rash appears: beginning as flat red spots that appear on the face at the hairline, then spread downward to the neck, trunk, arms, legs and feet. Small raised bumps may appear on top of the flat red spots. The spots may join together as they spread. The fever may spike to more than 104.

Measles can cause serious problems, including ear infections (1 in 10 people with measles), pneumonia (1 in 20), and encephalitis (1 in 1000) which can cause permanent brain damage. About 1 in 10 people who get measles in the U.S. will be hospitalized. (For kids under 5, there’s a 1 in 5 chance of hospitalization.) Even after recovery, it has a long-term effect on your immune system, making you more vulnerable to other diseases.

You may hear some people say “measles can be treated with vitamin A” as if to imply that it is a minor and easily treatable illness where you pop a few vitamins and it’s resolved. Although vitamin A does have benefits in reducing mortality in children who already have measles (especially in countries with high levels of vitamin A deficiency), preventing a child from getting measles in the first place is a far better way to reduce measles mortality. Vitamin A does not protect someone from infection with measles (it’s not preventative), and if a child does have measles, parents should not self-treat with vitamin A without consulting a physician.

Is measles deadly?

No, not for most people. (For example, I learned today from looking at my health records that I had measles as a baby, in 1967.) However, for every 10,000 people who get measles, 10 to 30 children will die.

You may hear some people say things like “a lot more people die of flu each year than measles”, with the implication that measles is not that risky. No. The reason is that since measles vaccines became available, measles had become a fairly rare disease. In 2023, there were 59 cases of measles in the US and 40 million flu-related illnesses, so of course there were more flu deaths.

Before the measles vaccine existed, there were 3 to 4 million cases per year in the US and 400-500 people died. After the vaccine became available, rates plummeted. Many pediatricians across the US have never actually seen a case of measles. The fact that the rates of infection, and thus deaths, had dropped so far should be seen as a huge success for modern medicine.

Unfortunately, due to widespread misinformation about MMR vaccines, and the fact that parents who have never seen measles mistakenly believe it to be mostly harmless, vaccination rates are dropping, and we will start seeing more measles cases each year.

How Contagious is Measles?

For people who are not vaccinated / immune, it is the most contagious virus on Earth.

When someone has the measles, they may develop fever and other symptoms before the characteristic rash appears. (They may be infectious for 4 days before the rash appears.) So they may not realize they have measles, and may be out in public – in school, restaurants, shops, buses or medical clinics. If they cough or sneeze, they produce infected droplets, that can remain active in the air or on surfaces for up to two hours. If people who are not vaccinated / immune are exposed to the contaminated air / surfaces, the chance they will develop measles is 9 out of 10.

On average, every person with measles will spread it to 12 – 18 unvaccinated people.

If you or your child has been exposed to measles, contact your doctor.

Protecting against Measles

For those who are fully vaccinated, their chance of getting infected after an exposure is about 2 in 100 (vs. 90 out of 100 for those who aren’t vaccinated.) And, even if a vaccinated person does get an infection, it will be much milder, with many fewer complications and they will be less infectious than in someone who is not vaccinated.

The more people in a community who are vaccinated, the lower the risk of an outbreak. If at least 95% are vaccinated, that’s considered herd immunity or community immunity and that reduces the risk of the spread in that community.

In King County, Washington, 97% of our 6th/7th graders are vaccinated against measles, but only 92% of kindergarteners are, and only 87% of 2 year olds. (And, 0% of babies under 6 months old since they are not yet old enough for the vaccine, so are at the highest risk of infection.)

It is recommended that children receive a dose of the MMR vaccine (which includes measles) at 12 to 15 months. [If your community is having an outbreak (3 or more related cases) or you are traveling internationally, they can receive that dose as early as 6 months. Learn more about protecting infants.] That provides 93% protection against infection. They should have the second dose at 4 – 6 years, which brings them up to the 97% protection. If your child is not vaccinated, you can get them vaccinated at any time. Learn more. You can also get vaccinated yourself if you are not – check for contraindications (e.g. you can’t get the MMR vaccine while pregnant.)

If you have already been exposed to the measles virus, getting a vaccine shot within 72 hours of exposure (or an immunoglobulin medicine within 6 days of exposure) will help reduce the chance of infection / the severity of the illness.

Vaccination is the single best way to reduce risk of infection. You can also reduce risk with all the usual things: handwashing, hand sanitizer, and limit exposure to people who show signs of illness.

Am I Immune?

You are presumed to be immune (and thus don’t need a vaccine) if you have:

  • written documentation of your past vaccines (children age 1 – 3 should have one dose, age 4 – 18 two doses, for most adults one dose is enough but healthcare providers and international travelers should have two)
  • a lab test that shows immunity
  • laboratory confirmation of disease
  • were born before 1957 (it’s assumed that most people born before 1957 had the illness at some point)

If you received a LIVE measles vaccine in the 1960’s you do not need to be revaccinated. But, if you received an inactivated measles vaccine between 1963 and 1967, it was not effective and you should be revaccinated. If you’re unsure: You can ask your doctor for a blood test to check for immunity, or just get the vaccine. The MMR vaccine is safe. There’s no harm in getting another dose.

Is the vaccine safe? What are the side effects?

Common side effects are: Soreness, redness, or swelling where the vaccine was given, fever, mild rash, and temporary pain and stiffness in the joints. More serious side effects, such as a high fever or a febrile seizure are rare.

The MMR vaccine does not cause autism.

If your child is due for any shot, check out these tips for how to make shots less stressful.

Note: I am an educator, not a health care professional. For professional, evidence-based info on any of the topics above, please click on the links above. Or go to https://www.healthychildren.org/english/health-issues/vaccine-preventable-diseases/Pages/Measles.aspx, https://www.aap.org/en/patient-care/measles/ or https://emilysmith.substack.com/p/measles-updates

Election Stress and Parenting

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This year has been an especially tense year related to politics in the United States. “Every year the American Psychological Association takes a look at the leading causes of stress in the U.S…. This year… all the usual suspects like money, health and family are still wearing people down, but one issue is dominating – politics… the future of the nation… 80% of Republicans rated it a top stressor, so did 79% of Democrats and 73% of Independents.” (NPR)

When parents are stressed, we tend to be less patient, get annoyed more quickly – sometimes over-reacting to small things. Our children feel that stress and may wonder if they are doing something wrong that is the reason their parents are unhappy, or may worry that bad things will happen to their family.

If you’re feeling stressed about the election, admit it to your child – let them know that they are right about what they are noticing about your feelings. But also reassure them that they have done nothing wrong and you are not upset at them. Also, reassure them that things will be OK in the end – I know that you yourself may not be feeling confident right now that things will be OK in the long run, but this is a time to dig down for whatever optimism you have, or faith or resilience, in order to reassure your child.

I have an approach for talking to kids about anything that scares them or scares you or raises your anxiety levels high – it’s especially relevant to things we may feel we have little control over (like national elections!).

  • Be thoughtful about how much exposure they have to the issue that is concerning
  • If they bring it up, or ask a question, don’t avoid it, just answer it briefly with a simple reassuring explanation.
  • Talk about how likely (or unlikely) the thing you’re worrying about is to happen.
  • Tell them what will be done to prevent bad outcomes as fall-out from that.
  • Reassure them that even if bad things happens, people are tough and resilient, and pull together and make it through.

So, to apply that approach to the election:

Be thoughtful about media exposure:

While you might be tempted to doom-scroll media and social media binge for all the most recent updates, try to save that for times your child is not observing you. If you are checking on things, just remind your child that their world is OK, you just have some worries about things in the outside world but that they are still safe and loved.

In 2016, when my child was almost 6, I did something that I wouldn’t recommend you repeat – I came home from work at 8:30 pm on election night and was upset and turned on the TV to watch – he heard it, got out of bed, and came to watch with me. We were all up VERY late that night, upset over election results. (And I imagine that other parents may have had a similar experience on election night 2020 for opposite political reasons.) A better choice would have been for me to turn it off, get him settled for bed, and then do what I needed to do to process the results. And I could have reassured him from a belief that I DO hold, even though it was hard to hold in that moment: as MLK said “Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”

Responding to their questions

Even young children will hear about the election – I remember when George W Bush was up for election (and with the whole Bush v. Gore hanging chads saga) my older kids who were early elementary at the time had lots of questions. Answer questions as simply as possible, then ask them if they have more questions before continuing to info dump your own anxiety on them.

For younger children, say under 8 years old, I would focus as much as I could on optimistic perspectives, reassuring them that they’ll be OK, and focusing on the things in our personal life that we do have control on and not as much about the broader world that we have less control over.

How Likely / Reducing Harm

RIght now, I have a 13 year old who follows me around asking me “the polls are so close, who’s going to win?” I tell him that millions of people around the world want to know that, and nobody has a good answer to that. Then he asks me again, “yeah, I know, but what do you think is going to happen?” I acknowledge that he’s feeling anxious and that it’s hard to sit in uncertainty.

He wants to know what will happen after the election – he has a lot of worries about what things will be like if one candidate wins.

Because my child is a teenager, I talk more openly about what challenges we would likely face over the next four years, and also talk about what people and organizations who are politically aligned with us will be doing to help mitigate the harms. And about the idea of checks and balances – while not perfect by any means, different governmental systems can reduce the most extreme policies.

Resilience

I also talk about how I’m coping with my own worries about that by thinking about all the positive reasons that I think that even if things are hard for a while (especially for certain marginalized groups), over the next many years things will get better. I talk about the ways that our society has progressed over my lifetime and his grandparents’ lifetime – progress is not fast or easy, but it does bend toward justice. We also talk about what we can do as individuals to help with that progress.

Self Care

If you need support processing your worries about this election, reach out to friends and family. Or, if there is political strife within your friends and family, search online for things like Facebook groups or Reddit forums where you can find people who share your views to help you not feel so alone. (Note: if a forum is soothing to you, stay in – if it just escalates your emotions even further, move on from it.) Do the usual self care things – sleep, get outdoors for a walk, eat well. We’ll get through this.

More resources: check out my posts on Reducing Parental meltdowns and handling your anger in the moment.

10 Years of More Good Days

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I started this blog over ten years ago. Here are ten of my most-read posts.

Check them out! Or check out any of the other 400+ posts!