I was just writing an end of year email to a parenting class, and wrote down my top ten takeaways from our whole year of learning together. They are also a fair summary of the information you’ll find on this blog:
Children behave better when they know what to expect and what’s expected of them. If a child is not behaving well, ask yourself: What support do they need, what systems would make it easier for them to be successful, what skills do they still need to learn?
With food: parents decide when and where it’s offered and what is offered. Children decide whether to eat and how much to eat. With all choices: Parents decide what options are on the table, children choose amongst those appropriate options.
Kids need time to run, to be loud, to be silly, to explore their world. Make sure there are a lot of “yes” times and places in their day. Taking small and manageable risks builds skills and independence, even if it means an occasional bump or bruise.
We learn from mistakes. Embrace them! Teach your child the Power of Yet: “you can’t do it yet, but someday, if you keep trying, you’ll be so good at it!”
Children learn best when they feel safe and happy, so play-based learning is powerful. Brains develop through novelty – being exposed to new experiences – and repetition – having the chance to do something again and again till they master it. Explore art, the outdoors, large motor play, building things, doing crafts, and more.
There is no one right way to parent. If you, your child, and other family members are happy, healthy, and succeeding at your goals, then all is well. If you’re unhappy or not feeling successful, seek out new ideas and seek out support. (Parenting classes, counseling, support groups or just connecting with other parents!)
You will have good days and bad days as a parent. When you have a bad day and are not the parent you want to be, acknowledge that, forgive yourself and commit to doing better in the future. When you are having more good days than bad, celebrate that! You’re doing a great job.
In 2025, as of early June, there were 1168 cases of measles in the United States, the majority in children. (In all of 2024, there were only 285 cases.) There have been 3 deaths from measles. The first deaths in the United States in a decade.
There is an outbreak of measles in Texas with 744 cases as of 6/13 (plus 81 in New Mexico and 19 in Oklahoma), most of them in children.
So it’s time for an update on measles: what is it, how contagious is it, and how to prevent the spread (hint: the measles vaccine substantially reduces your risk.)
What is Measles?
Measles symptoms appear 7 to 14 days after contact with the virus. Measles typically begins with: High fever (may spike to more than 104°), cough, runny nose, red, watery eyes.
2 – 3 days after symptoms begin, white spots in the mouth may develop.
3 – 5 days after symptoms begin, the measles rash appears: beginning as flat red spots that appear on the face at the hairline, then spread downward to the neck, trunk, arms, legs and feet. Small raised bumps may appear on top of the flat red spots. The spots may join together as they spread. The fever may spike to more than 104.
Measles can also cause serious problems, including ear infections (1 in 10 people with measles), pneumonia (1 in 20), and encephalitis (1 in 1000) which can cause permanent brain damage. About 1 in 4 people who get measles in the U.S. will be hospitalized. Even after recovery, it has a long-term effect on your immune system, making you more vulnerable to other diseases.
You may hear some people say “measles can be treated with vitamin A” as if to imply that it is a minor and easily treatable illness where you pop a few vitamins and it’s resolved. Although vitamin A does have significant benefits in reducing mortality in children who have measles (especially in countries with high levels of vitamin A deficiency), preventing a child from getting measles in the first place is a far better way to reduce measles mortality. Vitamin A does not protect someone from infection with measles (it’s not preventative), and if a child does have measles, parents should not self-treat with vitamin A without consulting a physician.
Is measles deadly?
No, not for most people. (For example, I learned today from looking at my health records that I had measles as a baby, in 1967.) However, for every 10,000 people who get measles, 10 to 30 children will die.
You may hear some people say things like “a lot more people die of flu each year than measles”, with the implication that measles is not that risky. No. The reason is that since measles vaccines became available, measles has become a fairly rare disease. Before the measles vaccine existed, there were 3 to 4 million cases per year in the US and 400-500 people died. Now, with the majority of people vaccinated, measles cases are rare, and death is rarer. In 2024, there were only 285 cases in the US and no deaths. Versus in the 23-24 flu season, there were 40 million flu-related illnesses, so of course there were more flu deaths.
Now, before the end of May 2025, less than 1/2 of the way through the year, we already have 1100+ measles cases, many due to an outbreak in an area where lots of families chose not to vaccinate their children.
When someone has the measles, they may develop fever and other symptoms before the characteristic rash appears. (They may be infectious for 4 days before the rash appears.) So they may not realize they have measles, and may be out in public – in school, restaurants, shops, buses or medical clinics. If they cough or sneeze, they produce infected droplets, that can remain active in the air or on surfaces for up to two hours. If people who are not vaccinated / immune are exposed to the contaminated air / surfaces, the chance they will develop measles is 9 out of 10.
On average, every person with measles will spread it to 12 – 18 unvaccinated people.
If you or your child has been exposed to measles, contact your doctor.
Protecting against Measles
For those who are fully vaccinated, their chance of getting infected at all is about 1 – 3 in 100 (vs. 9 in 10 for unvaccinated). And, even if they are in that 1 – 3% that does get an infection, it will be much milder, with many fewer complications and be less infectious than in someone who is not vaccinated.
The more people in a community who are vaccinated, the lower the risk of an outbreak. If at least 95% are vaccinated, that’s considered herd immunity or community immunity and that reduces the risk of the spread in that community.
In King County, Washington, 97% of our 6th/7th graders are vaccinated against measles, but only 92% of kindergarteners are, and only 87% of 2 year olds. (And, 0% of babies under 6 months old.)
It is recommended that children receive a dose of the MMR vaccine (which includes measles) at 12 to 15 months. [If your community is having an outbreak (3 or more related cases) or you are traveling internationally, they can receive that dose as early as 6 months. Learn more about protecting infants.] That provides 93% protection against infection. They should have the second dose at 4 – 6 years, which brings them up to the 97% protection. If your child is not vaccinated, you can get them vaccinated at any time. Learn more. You can also get vaccinated yourself if you are not – check for contraindications (e.g. you can’t get the MMR vaccine while pregnant.)
Even if you have already been exposed to the measles virus, getting a vaccine shot within 72 hours of exposure (or an immunoglobulin medicine within 6 days of exposure) will help reduce the chance of infection / the severity of the illness.
Vaccination is the single best way to reduce risk of infection. You can also reduce risk with all the usual things: handwashing, hand sanitizer, and limit exposure to people who show signs of illness.
Am I Immune?
You are presumed to be immune (and thus don’t need a vaccine) if you have:
written documentation of your past vaccines (children age 1 – 3 should have one dose, age 4 – 18 two doses, for most adults one dose is enough but healthcare providers and international travelers should have two)
a lab test that shows immunity
laboratory confirmation of disease
were born before 1957 (it’s assumed that most people born before 1957 had the illness at some point)
If you received a LIVE measles vaccine in the 1960’s you do not need to be revaccinated. But, if you received an inactivated measles vaccine between 1963 and 1967, it was not effective and you should be revaccinated.
If you’re unsure: You can ask your doctor for a blood test to check for immunity, or just get the vaccine. The MMR vaccine is safe. There’s no harm in getting another dose.
Is the vaccine safe? What are the side effects?
Common side effects are: Soreness, redness, or swelling where the vaccine was given, fever, mild rash, and temporary pain and stiffness in the joints. More serious side effects, such as a high fever or a febrile seizure are rare. The MMR vaccine does not cause autism.
Note: I have a more general post on talking to children about the concept of death that I would recommend for most readers. This particular post is much more specific than that – it is focused on how to talk to a very young child (age 2 to 5) about the impending / expected death of a parent (or a grandparent.other adult who is very involved in the child’s day to day life.) It may be relevant as someone is nearing end of life or has been placed in hospice care.
First, I want to acknowledge that this is a very heartbreaking thing to have to talk about. For you, as the adult who is in the midst of this difficult situation and will have these sad conversations with the child – this is hard emotional work, and I encourage you to seek out support for yourself as well and to do the self-care that nourishes you through these hard times.
But, although it is challenging, I think it is important to have these conversations. To be honest with children about the realities of the upcoming loss. Trying to shield the child from anticipatory grief will only make it harder for them when the loss happens and the full grief becomes a part of their life. Talking about it now allows them to begin to process it, and allows you to create meaningful and loving moments with them as you begin with saying goodbyes.
Let’s look at what a child this age is capable of understanding, and some key ideas to talk with them about.
Explaining Death to a Young Child
Before talking about the upcoming loss of a child’s loved one, it’s best to start by making sure they have an understanding of what death is.
Explain what death is in very concrete ways – this is not the time for flowery metaphors like “go to a better place.” Instead, share these ideas:
Death is the cessation of life functions. Use simple terms and examples from their life experience. “Do you remember when your pea plant died, and it stopped growing and started to shrivel up?” “Do you remember when we saw that dead squirrel in the park? They looked like they were sleeping, but their heart had stopped, and their brain didn’t work anymore.”
Death is permanent. Once something has died, it will not come back to life. If someone we love dies, we won’t see them again.
Everything that is alive will someday die. Some things / beings live a very long time, and others live for a short time. Sometimes death happens suddenly, sometimes someone is sick for a long time before dying.
Death is caused by physical reasons. Describe in a simple, non-graphic way what can cause a death.
Even though someone may not be alive any more, we can always hold them in our memories.
For a preschooler, age 2.5 – 5: Even if you clearly explain what death is, they may not be able to grasp what you mean. Permanence is hard to understand. They may believe death is temporary and reversible, and may ask things like “but when will they come back?”
Teachable Moments
I often recommend that parents wait for teachable moments to talk about death. For example, if a child sees a dead bug on the window sill, or an animal that was hit by a car, or they hear that a friend’s pet died. Those are times a parent can introduce the topic. Or any time a child asks about death, calm, matter-of-fact answers are helpful. You can take advantage of these same moments. But, if you, or a close family member, is facing the end of life soon, you may feel the matter is too urgent to wait for teachable moments to appear, and may intentionally bring it up through conversations, or pretend play / storytelling, or through media.
There are many shows and movies where a character dies that you could use to introduce the subject. Two that I know of that are focused on helping a child understand death are the Mr. Roger’s goldfish episode and the Daniel Tiger episode.
If you have some time (days or weeks) to prepare, you could gradually sneak little conversations about death in and around all the normal toddler and preschool daily activities – don’t force it and don’t talk about only this… trust that you can gradually bring these conversations in.
If we use vague euphemisms, it’s confusing. Saying “mommy is sick” or “grandma went to sleep” or “daddy is going to go away soon” can cause a child to worry that the next time anyone gets sick in any way, or goes to sleep, they too will die, or any time any one leaves the room or the house, they might not come back. (This video talks more about how it’s helpful to use the word death instead of euphemisms.)
So, be clear about what disease is happening (e.g. cancer), what you might guess the timeline will be and what to expect. (As much as you can guess.) You don’t want to overwhelm them with details, but do give an honest overview.
An extremely important thing to address is who will care for them. Reassure them that they will be OK, and all their needs will still be tended to.
Having this conversation will be hard for you. You may cry. It’s OK. You can be honest with your child about how you are feeling. (Do be sure to get lots of support elsewhere so your child does not feel like they have to help you feel better.) But it’s OK for them to see your feelings.
How They May React
When you tell them, they might be very upset. Or they may have very little reaction. It may just be too hard for them to really grasp the meaning of the situation.
Even if your child won’t talk about it, they may play this out – you might see pretend play scenarios involving hospitalization, death, and dinosaur attacks and more. This is a normal part of them making sense of it all.
They may have times they worry a lot about it, there will be many more times where they seem to have no awareness of it and are just focused on being happy toddlers / preschoolers. This video is very helpful for understanding how this is developmentally normal.
Even if they aren’t voicing any concerns related to the illness, they may show some of these behaviors: regression (e.g. needing diapers again after having been potty trained, or thumb sucking after they had stopped), clinging, sleep disturbances, separation anxiety, or fear of the dark. You might see anger and temper tantrums. It is fine to give them extra support and be a little more relaxed about “the rules” but don’t go too far into total permissiveness. Having the old familiar routines and rules is actually reassuring to children and helps give them security that although there will be some huge changes, other things will stay the same.
There are a lot of things in any child’s life that are out of their control, and especially for your child in this moment. Giving them choices anywhere you can (like what clothes to wear or what to eat for breakfast) can help them to feel more powerful.
It might also be helpful to give them “jobs” they can do to help out, even if it’s as simple as bringing a cup of water or snack to the ill person, or helping to fluff their pillow. Feeling like they can make a difference for the person they love is empowering to a small child.
When to Have the Conversation
With an older child, like an elementary age or middle school child, a parent would be able to plan this out – plan a quiet time for a long uninterrupted conversation in a private place for a single focused conversation. The reality of small children and attention spans and how much they can take in at a time means that you just have to be on the lookout for an opening… when you have a moment where things are quiet and neither they or you are tired, stressed or hungry, there may be a chance to start the conversation. While you have their interest and engagement, keep going. But watch their cues. When they wander away, or disengage, or start pushing the conversation away, let it go. You can talk some more some other day.
Don’t put off the conversation waiting for the perfect moment to get it right. There is no perfect moment. The important part is to start the conversation, don’t avoid it.
And know that this is not a one and done conversation. Your child may continue to bring it up off and on, and ask questions, and ask to be told again something you think you’ve told them several times. This is part of the process of them taking in and understanding the information.
Answering their Questions / Concerns
Some common questions come up for kids. Listen for them, or even if they don’t voice these questions, you may want to talk about these issues proactively.
“Is it my fault?” Kids are naturally very self-centered. They may wonder/worry that they caused the illness because they were mad, or bad, or whatever. They need to be reassured that it’s not their fault.
“Are you leaving because you don’t love me?” Reassure them this is not the case!
“Will _____ die too?” If one loved one is dying, they might worry that others will too. I don’t ever promise that won’t happen, because none of us can promise that. But I do tell them I think it is HIGHLY unlikely.
“Will I die too?” I think it’s only fair to say “yes, you will die someday but I think it won’t be for a very long time.” If they ask “Can I die too to be with you?” let them know that as much as you love them, you want them to live a long and beautiful life.
“What happens after you die?” You can share your beliefs with them about this. Other important people in their lives might share different beliefs. That’s OK. I say it as “No one knows for sure, but here is what I believe.” Whatever you share, it is helpful to be clear that a dead person’s body will not come back to life and someone who has passed will not be visible / tangible to them in the same way as before death.
“Will it hurt?” Be honest about whether the dying process may or may not hurt and how health care will support that. But say that death itself does not hurt, and after death, there is no pain.
“Can we fix it?” Tell them that you really wish you could, but some things can’t be fixed. Reassure them that you are doing all you can to help these be as easy as it can be on everyone, and that even though it is still very hard, in the long run, you know they will have a happy life.
Books to Read
These are some books that could be effective for the person whose passing is nearing to read to the child. (You could even make a video of them with the child in their lap reading it aloud to them.)
With each, I include a link to the book description* and also a link to a video of a read aloud so you can see if the book feels like the right fit for your situation.
You’ll Find Me by Amanda Rawson Hill. (Video) This is beautiful. “I will not always be greeting the morning with you, but you’ll find me… in the way the sun spills through your window whispering wake up sleepyhead… I will not always be holding you tight in my lap, but you’ll find me… in the first notes of a familiar song…” The image at the top of this post is from this book.
You’ll Always Have My Love by Jennifer Chobar. (Video) Although I don’t think the rhymes are the best children’s writing, I do think there are beautiful messages in this book! I think it would be a very sweet thing for the person at life’s end to read to the child, if their belief system includes the idea that they’ll be watching over the child after they die.
When Mama Goes to Heaven by Jayna Russell. (Video) Talks about how the person they have lost can still be “found” in all the beauties of the world.
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr. (Video) Could be read after someone’s passing, but I also think it could be read beforehand, as a chance to preview what the feelings might be like and how to hold them gently.
Creating Memories
By being honest with a child about what’s coming, you create the opportunity to create special rituals and preserve memories. Make lots of videos, take lots of pictures, write letters to be given to them on each birthday, plan a memorial service together, whatever feels meaningful to you.
You can also do more things with all the other adults who will help to support the child after the death, strengthening all those relationships, and showing them that those adults have your trust.
Still Living Your Life
Sometimes when death is coming, families let that overwhelm everything. Every day becomes about that.
It’s OK to still do all the “normal” things that “normal” families do with small kids. And let your kid be a kid! Go to the playground, watch Bluey together, dance together, see friends for playdates, go to preschool or story time, and so on. And it’s OK to have bad days when you’re cranky at your kid, like all parents have days they’re cranky at their kids!
Nearing the end
As the health situation worsens, and the end comes closer, be honest with the child about what is happening and what to expect. Keep reminding the child that they are loved and that they will be well cared for, and although many things will change, that will remain the same.
It might be tempting to keep the child away from a loved one who is becoming quite sick and frail. But it is hard for the child if someone “disappears” from their life before they are truly gone, so follow the child’s lead. If they want to be with the person, let them be! If they are ready for a break, give them a break. Allowing them to have choices in the moment is helpful. There’s no easy path, but again, letting them have some choice and control can help.
Books that can be read to the child after the loss: Missing Mummy by Rebecca Cobb. (Video), Lost in the Clouds by Tom Timm Disbury. (Video), The Memory Box by Joanna Rowland (Video). Something Very Sad Happened by Zucker (Video.) The first two are about the loss of a mother. The third isn’t specific. The last is about the loss of a grandmother. But I believe the reader could adapt these to the child’s situation.
One important thing is that people continue to talk about the person who has died. Sometimes they avoid this because they fear it will make the child sad. It actually tends to be healing and calming to children to continue to hear about this person who was so important to them.
Note about links for book titles: these are Amazon affiliate links, so I would get a small referral fee if you clicked through and then purchased, but I also encourage you to get the book from your favorite independent bookseller.
More Resources:
There are lots more helpful resources on these sites:
Note: my other more general post on Talking to Children about Death covers some of this same info, but also has other tips and resources you may find helpful.
This year has been an especially tense year related to politics in the United States. “Every year the American Psychological Association takes a look at the leading causes of stress in the U.S…. This year… all the usual suspects like money, health and family are still wearing people down, but one issue is dominating – politics… the future of the nation… 80% of Republicans rated it a top stressor, so did 79% of Democrats and 73% of Independents.” (NPR)
When parents are stressed, we tend to be less patient, get annoyed more quickly – sometimes over-reacting to small things. Our children feel that stress and may wonder if they are doing something wrong that is the reason their parents are unhappy, or may worry that bad things will happen to their family.
If you’re feeling stressed about the election, admit it to your child – let them know that they are right about what they are noticing about your feelings. But also reassure them that they have done nothing wrong and you are not upset at them. Also, reassure them that things will be OK in the end – I know that you yourself may not be feeling confident right now that things will be OK in the long run, but this is a time to dig down for whatever optimism you have, or faith or resilience, in order to reassure your child.
I have an approach for talking to kids about anything that scares them or scares you or raises your anxiety levels high – it’s especially relevant to things we may feel we have little control over (like national elections!).
Be thoughtful about how much exposure they have to the issue that is concerning
If they bring it up, or ask a question, don’t avoid it, just answer it briefly with a simple reassuring explanation.
Talk about how likely (or unlikely) the thing you’re worrying about is to happen.
Tell them what will be done to prevent bad outcomes as fall-out from that.
Reassure them that even if bad things happens, people are tough and resilient, and pull together and make it through.
So, to apply that approach to the election:
Be thoughtful about media exposure:
While you might be tempted to doom-scroll media and social media binge for all the most recent updates, try to save that for times your child is not observing you. If you are checking on things, just remind your child that their world is OK, you just have some worries about things in the outside world but that they are still safe and loved.
In 2016, when my child was almost 6, I did something that I wouldn’t recommend you repeat – I came home from work at 8:30 pm on election night and was upset and turned on the TV to watch – he heard it, got out of bed, and came to watch with me. We were all up VERY late that night, upset over election results. (And I imagine that other parents may have had a similar experience on election night 2020 for opposite political reasons.) A better choice would have been for me to turn it off, get him settled for bed, and then do what I needed to do to process the results. And I could have reassured him from a belief that I DO hold, even though it was hard to hold in that moment: as MLK said “Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”
Responding to their questions
Even young children will hear about the election – I remember when George W Bush was up for election (and with the whole Bush v. Gore hanging chads saga) my older kids who were early elementary at the time had lots of questions. Answer questions as simply as possible, then ask them if they have more questions before continuing to info dump your own anxiety on them.
For younger children, say under 8 years old, I would focus as much as I could on optimistic perspectives, reassuring them that they’ll be OK, and focusing on the things in our personal life that we do have control on and not as much about the broader world that we have less control over.
How Likely / Reducing Harm
RIght now, I have a 13 year old who follows me around asking me “the polls are so close, who’s going to win?” I tell him that millions of people around the world want to know that, and nobody has a good answer to that. Then he asks me again, “yeah, I know, but what do you think is going to happen?” I acknowledge that he’s feeling anxious and that it’s hard to sit in uncertainty.
He wants to know what will happen after the election – he has a lot of worries about what things will be like if one candidate wins.
Because my child is a teenager, I talk more openly about what challenges we would likely face over the next four years, and also talk about what people and organizations who are politically aligned with us will be doing to help mitigate the harms. And about the idea of checks and balances – while not perfect by any means, different governmental systems can reduce the most extreme policies.
Resilience
I also talk about how I’m coping with my own worries about that by thinking about all the positive reasons that I think that even if things are hard for a while (especially for certain marginalized groups), over the next many years things will get better. I talk about the ways that our society has progressed over my lifetime and his grandparents’ lifetime – progress is not fast or easy, but it does bend toward justice. We also talk about what we can do as individuals to help with that progress.
Self Care
If you need support processing your worries about this election, reach out to friends and family. Or, if there is political strife within your friends and family, search online for things like Facebook groups or Reddit forums where you can find people who share your views to help you not feel so alone. (Note: if a forum is soothing to you, stay in – if it just escalates your emotions even further, move on from it.) Do the usual self care things – sleep, get outdoors for a walk, eat well. We’ll get through this.
More Good Days with Kids 