Author Archives: Janelle Durham

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About Janelle Durham

I am a parent educator and social worker, and teach music and science to children age 1 - 8.

Is preschool necessary for all children?

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muddyhandsI’ve written several articles about how to choose a preschool.

But I want to address a more fundamental question: do all children need preschool? If so, how much preschool do they need? I know that some parents can feel a lot of pressure when the other parents in their social group are all talking preschool all the time…

I recently spoke with a mom who wasn’t feeling ready to send her just-barely-three-year-old child to school yet, but felt like she needed to put him in preschool so that he could learn what he was “supposed to learn”. This mom didn’t feel like she had enough to offer her child, and feared she wouldn’t “do it right.” When she asked her friends for recommendations, all the programs they recommended were 5 days a week, full day. She couldn’t imagine her child doing well with that much time away from her. She was struggling to decide what to so.

It’s important to realize that the learning needs of a preschool age child are really pretty simple and manageable for most adults to meet. Preschools don’t offer some magic formula for future success that the average parent can’t duplicate at home.

Studies show that for children from impoverished backgrounds, whose family members have less than high school educations, there is a very clear benefit to attending preschool in terms of basic skill development. (Learn more: http://tinyurl.com/bez9qra or read any of the many articles that address the research-proven benefits of Early Head Start.)

However, middle class children of educated parents will typically receive in their home environment the stimulation and guidance they need in order to be ready for kindergarten when the time comes, making preschool more optional.

Parents can ensure school readiness by paying attention to the essential skills listed in my last post and helping their children build them. Thinking of everyday life as a learning opportunity helps you to keep an easy focus on skill-building.

Many of these skills can easily be learned from family members at home – set up a craft zone to practice with all the school supplies, read books together, practice independence in dressing, feeding, and so on.

Other skills can be built by family trips out in the community – there’s a lot of math to be learned by watching you cook, lots of science to learn in a trip to the pet store to pick up dog food, tons of vocabulary in every trip to any store, and lessons in patience and self-control at the sushi-go-round.

Social skills and conflict resolution get put into practice during a trip to the park or an indoor playground and sitting down in a group and paying attention to an adult is the heart and soul of library story time.

There are two elements that are easily found in preschool that parents who choose not to do preschool may need to seek out options for:

  1. Times when your child is cared for and must obey an adult other than a family member. This doesn’t have to be a preschool teacher. It could be a babysitter, or a Sunday school teacher, or gymnastics coach, or almost any other caring authority figure.
  2. A stable group of children to play with many times over a long period of time. Most drop-in community programs won’t have consistent kids each week. So you may want to seek out a more intentional community of playmates: maybe neighbor kids if you’re lucky, or cousins, or kids at church, or Daisy scouts, or…

So, if you think your child is ready for preschool and would enjoy it and benefit from it, great! If you’re ready to send your little one off to preschool, great! Here’s information about how to choose the preschool that is the best possible fit for you and your child.

And you could still do all the things I describe above to support your child’s learning and they’ll benefit from that as well.

But, if you’re not ready to send your child to preschool, or you feel your child is not ready, hopefully this post relieves a little of the pressure you might be feeling about “needing” to put your child in preschool. Having more time with you, as their own personal, loving, one-on-one coach in life skills could be exactly what you both need for now.

Here are a couple blog posts where moms share their thoughts about why they’re not choosing preschool: http://playborhood.com/2011/01/is_preschool_important_for_all_kids/ and Is Preschool Necessary
photo credit: bzo via photopin cc

Essential skills for the preschool years

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drawThere are several important kindergarten-readiness skills for children to work on during the preschool years (age 3 and 4) which lay the foundation for success in the early years of school. If you are choosing a preschool for your child, you will want to ensure that they are working on all these areas. If you are choosing not to do formal preschool, keep these skills in mind as you plan your activities and move through your days with your child, so that they will accomplish them by age 5.

  • Independence: Children learn to toilet, dress themselves, feed themselves, and clean up their toys. It often feels easier and more efficient for parents (or preschool teachers) to do these things for a child, but children only learn by doing things for themselves. (With gentle correction of their mistakes when needed.)
  • Patience and Self-Regulation: Children learn to wait, take turns, share, stand in line, not interrupt, work to solve a problem on their own without always asking for help, and so on. Children in a group preschool setting simply have to do this. At home, parents may want to remind themselves to not always jump to meet a child’s needs immediately, but instead work on delayed gratification for the child. (Ask them to wait a few minutes for something. Require that they calm down and ask for something politely before giving it to them.
  • Emotional stability: Children learn to control their temper, calm themselves down when upset, and move forward when they’re sad.
  • Social Skills – Making Friends and Conflict Resolution: These are best practiced in unstructured playtime with other kids that’s not guided by adults, such as play-dates and playground time. Having consistent playmates over a long period of time helps to build these skills at a deeper level, so look for opportunities such as preschool, neighbor kids, church members, cousins, etc.
  • Group Participation: Children learn to sit quietly for 10 – 15 minutes at a time, learn to pay attention to someone else speaking or reading a story, and learn to join in group activities like songs. Most preschools offer one or two “circle” times per class to work on this; parents can also look for story times at their library.
  • Listens to and relates to non-family-member adult: To succeed in school, a child needs to be able to separate from his or her parent, to listen to and obey the instructions of another adult, and get support from another adult.
    • Can answer simple questions about events or his/her environment
    • Can follow 2 step directions. (Do this, then that.)
  • Academic Foundations. The following is a sample list of basic skills for children to gain, all of which can be taught gradually in a relaxed, playful manner.
    • Can say the letters of the alphabet, recognize them in writing, maybe write a few.
    • Can say numbers 1 – 20 in order, can recognize written numbers, count 10 objects.
    • Can draw a picture to express what he is thinking about / talking about.
    • Knows basic ideas like colors, shapes, days of the week, seasons, and opposites.
    • Can manage basic school supplies: crayons, pencil, scissors, glue, tape, blocks.
    • Has basic computer / technology skills: can use a mouse and a touchscreen.

Note: all those categories are equally important… in many ways patience and self-regulation is much more important than the academic skills… If a kindergarten child knows how to sit still and listen, learning the alphabet is easy. If they can’t sit still, then learning much else will be hard!

Should your preschooler learn to read?

Parents can offer an environment that encourages literacy and basic math knowledge by simple things like: reading lots of books together, counting stairs, pointing out words on signs, singing songs and keeping the beat. If your child is passionate about letters and numbers very early, it’s fine to encourage that through more reading, math play, interaction, etc. Some children naturally learn to read or do math quite young.

However, it’s not essential that they do so! Although it is possible to use flashcards, worksheets and apps to teach children to read and/or do math at a very young age, there’s no need to do so. Although those children would enter kindergarten ahead of the other kids, the benefits all even out by midway through elementary school. And studies have found that the kids who were drilled early tended to have more anxiety about academics later on than those who were gently encouraged. (Learn more: http://trevorcairney.blogspot.com/2009/02/your-baby-can-read-part-2.html and http://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/earlier-faster-better-precocious-kids/_

Local resource:

If you live in Bellevue, WA, the Bellevue School District has a really nice overview of kindergarten readiness, how to prepare your child for starting school and what to expect: https://bsd405.org/wp-content/pdf/kindergarten/welcome-to-kindergarten.pdf 

photo credit: clappstar via photopin cc

Finding Time to Take Care of Your Own Needs

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As the New Year is about to begin, let’s take a moment to look at ways to make time and space for meeting your own needs….

Giving Yourself Permission to Take Care of Your Needs

The first big step is to acknowledge that you have your own individual needs and that you have the right to sometimes be “selfish” and put your own needs first. Doing this will make you a happier, relaxed, more energized parent, which will lead to happier kids. It’s like when you’re on the airplane, and they say “if the oxygen mask drops down, first put on your own mask, and then assist small children.”

Working with Your Child’s Schedule and Needs

Sometimes you can fit in self care while caring for your child. What distracts your child enough that you can get a moment to yourself? Will they play happily in the bathtub while you sit on the floor nearby watching a movie on a laptop, or giving yourself a manicure? Can they play in a playground while you read a great book? Can you take them for a walk, while you listen to a podcast or call a friend? Can you take them to a swimming pool with floaties on and do water exercise while they splash around? Can you have a mostly uninterrupted lunch with a friend if you let your child watch a video while you do so?

Make a list of “5 minute self care ideas” – little things you can do for yourself when you have a moment.

Prioritizing

Is there something you would love to do, but just can’t figure out how to make it happen? If so, start making a plan. First, it’s good to figure out why you want it, and what part of it is most important to you (e.g. if you find yourself longing for a movie, figure out: is it getting caught up in a story that matters – if so, watch videos at home after you child is in bed. Is it being out in a theater that matters – if so, take your toddler to a daytime matinee of a kids’ movie, or find a sitter so you can see a grown-up movie. Is it really just important to have two hours of uninterrupted time where you’re responsible for nothing? Well, then the goal is to be child-free, and it doesn’t matter much what you do!)

Contingency Planning

Once you’ve made a plan, then have a plan for contingencies: if X happens, what will I do? If Y happens, who will deal with it? Think: what’s the worst thing that could happen? When would I know it was time to give up, and try again some other day? Have alternatives planned. Even if the plan fails, you will have accomplished one very important thing. You will have demonstrated that your own needs are important, and placed a priority on nurturing you. Celebrate that!!  And have a plan to try again.

Asking for Help

Ask other people (friends, families, or paid professionals) to help out. In addition to asking for help with taking care of your child(ren), ask them to help you take care of yourself! Often parents will get their partner to take care of the child, or hire babysitters so they can do the things they have to do, like grocery shopping or doctor’s appointments, but they feel guilty asking for help so they can do something “selfish” that they want to do, like meeting a friend for coffee, or just taking a morning off. It’s OK to ask for help getting your desires met as well as your needs. And if the first person you ask says no, find someone else to ask!

Parent Educators: here’s a free printable handout on self care for parents, which includes all these tips.

Stress and Parenting

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Stress in America

On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is “a great deal of stress”: Americans, on average, believe 3.6 would be a healthy level of stress. However, Americans rate themselves as 5.2 on average. 72% say their stress level has increased or stayed the same over the past 5 years. 70% have symptoms related to stress, such as irritability, fatigue, feeling overwhelmed, changes in sleeping habits, or unhealthy eating habits.

Parents of toddlers certainly feel stress such as recent changes in financial status and relationships, disrupted sleep schedules, and the challenges of constantly supervising energetic, emotionally volatile children.

Types of stress

  • Positive stress comes from short-term challenges, such as getting a shot, having a toy taken away, falling and hurting themselves. If children are given support in managing and overcoming the challenge, these offer good learning experiences, and teach skills for managing future stressors.
  • Tolerable stress is from adverse experiences that are intense but fairly short-lived, like the death of a loved one, moving to a new home, a frightening accident. With support, these can also be managed.
  • Toxic stress results from intense adverse experiences over a long period of time – weeks to years. Our stress response system was designed for short-term threats, like running away from a saber-tooth tiger. If we are in stress response for a long time, the cortisol can damage the brain. The more out of control someone feels about a situation, the more likely they are to experience harm from the stress.

How stress affects children

Research and experience have shown that

  • In the short-term, stress may lead a parent to be less patient, and to get more annoyed more quickly, thus leading to sometimes over-reacting to small things. (For example, a parent who is over-burdened with tasks may get very upset at the everyday messes that a toddler creates.)
  • Children of stressed parents may have more headaches, insomnia, irritability, and behavior issues.
  • Long-term chronic stress can affect brain development and disrupt functioning of the immune system. On-going stress in childhood can increase the risk of obesity, mental health issues, learning disabilities, heart disease, and allergies.
  • If the parent models unhealthy coping mechanisms, it can also increase the risk of the child experiencing substance abuse, eating disorders, and self-harming behaviors.

HOWEVER…. If parents work to reduce stress, model healthy coping behaviors, seek support when needed, and offer their children support with coping, the chance of their children suffering these ill effects decreases.

Reducing stress and managing stress

Reducing your stress level

Make a list of the things that stress you out. Then put a check by the ones you feel out of control of. Those are the ones that create the most toxic stress. Can you eliminate them? Reduce them? What do you need to do to manage them? Can you ask someone for help?

Handling a bad day

We’re all going to have “bad days” now and then, where we’re sad all day, or cranky all day, sometimes for no reason at all, sometimes for many very good reasons. What we can do:

  • Talk to our kids about how we’re feeling and why (even if the why is “I don’t know why I feel like this”). Even young children can see our anger or sadness, and if we don’t explain, they assume it’s their fault.
  • Ask your child for ideas for what helps them when they’re feeling grumpy or sad. This helps reinforce for them that we all need to develop coping skills, and when we’re not coping, we can all ask for help.
  • If you are doing an activity to reduce your stress, like deep breathing, exercise, or dancing to music, ask your child to join you. That will help them release the stress they’ve absorbed from you.
  • Don’t be afraid to admit when you did something wrong. Apologize to them if you yelled or hurt them.

Model healthy coping behaviors

Children learn a lot from what we say to them when we are meaning to “teach” them. They learn even more from observing us as we go through our days. Sometimes they learn positive things – like when we model healthy coping strategies and self-care. Sometimes they see the less positive ways we respond to stressful situations. John Medina, in Brain Rules, recommends this exercise.

  1. Make a list of all the behaviors you usually demonstrate to the world: do you laugh a lot? Swear a lot? Express joy? Express frustration? Eat healthy? Spend a lot of time looking at screens?
  2. Circle the ones you are most proud of, and/or the ones you want your child to copy. If there are things you’re not proud of, and you would be ashamed to see your child doing them, cross those out.
  3. Commit to doing something about it. Do more of the good, and less of the bad.

Stress reducers to try

  • Take a few deep breaths. Imagine breathing in calm, and releasing tension with the exhale.
  • Visualization. Imagine yourself in a calm, safe environment. Visualize what you would see, smell, hear, feel, and taste there. The more vivid the image, the more it will calm you.
  • Muscle relaxation. When you catch yourself worrying, instead, focus on this exercise. Notice where you are tense, take a deep breath, and let that muscle relax and soften.
  • Social support. Reach out to a friend. Ideally, you talk about what’s stressing you and get support with that. But sometimes even a chat about the weather can reduce your stress level.
  • Re-define success. If you think you must be a perfect parent every day, you’re going to fail at that. But, if you think: I hope to have more good-parent days than crappy-parent days, your stress level will drop.
  • Eat well: Eat whole, non-processed foods, especially those high in potassium, magnesium, calcium, and omega-3s. Caffeine in moderation.
  • Be physically active. Exercise is one of the best stress relievers. This doesn’t mean you should get stressed out that you failed to go to the gym! Just be active in whatever way works for you.
  • Relax with music. Listen to music, dance, or make music.
  • If you’re angry at someone (like the person who just cut  you off in traffic), try thinking positive thoughts about that person, and empathize with why they might be having a bad day too.
  • Make more space in your life for self-care: doing the little things that make you happy, whether that’s reading, playing piano, visiting friends, or whatever! You deserve some special time!

Sources

When Mama has a Bad Day: http://coreparentingpdx.com/2012/when-mama-has-a-bad-day/#sthash.rpefX6YN.dpuf
How parental stress can affect your children: http://ezinearticles.com/?How-Parental-Stress-Can-Affect-Your-Children&id=6598316
Early Childhood Adversity, Toxic Stress, and the Role of the Pediatrician http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/129/1/e224.long
The Effects of Childhood Stress on Health Across the Lifespan. CDC. http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/pub-res/pdf/Childhood_Stress.pdf
Stress-Busting Secrets http://www.spu.edu/depts/uc/response/summer2k9/features/stress-busting.asp
Healthy Ways to Cope with Stress: http://www.spu.edu/depts/uc/response/summer2k9/features/cope-with-stress.asp
The biological threat of stress. http://brainrules.blogspot.com/search?q=stress
Impact of stress. APA. http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2012/impact.aspx#
www.aboutourkids.org/articles/parenting_hardest_job_in_world_coping_strategies_parents_when_going_gets_rough
www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/crying-colic-9/stress-and-your-baby

Self Care for Parents

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Any time you travel on an airplane, the flight attendants announce that if the oxygen masks drop down, you should first put on your own mask, and ‘then assist small children.’ This is good advice for parenting in general. Yes, our children have many needs that have to be met, and many more desires they would like fulfilled. But in order to have the energy to care for them, you need to make sure that you’re also taking care of yourself! Take a few whiffs of parenting “oxygen” now and then to rejuvenate yourself.

Here are some tips for what to do when you’re running on empty.

Ideas for meeting your physical needs:

  • Exercise, on your own and as a family
  • Sleep (as much as  you can), and nap when your child naps
  • Eat right: food affects mood, so try to cut down on sugars and processed foods
  • Get or give a massage. Cuddle, kiss, or make love with your partner
  • Take a hot shower, or a long bath (add a little lavender oil to increase relaxation)
  • Have a cup of chamomile tea or warm milk (or hot chocolate with marshmallows!)
  • Go for a long walk outdoors – on your own, or with your child

Ideas for meeting your emotional and social needs:

  • Spend time with friends each week. Spend time alone each day
  • Prioritize the activities that make you happy
  • Be creative / flexible about social activities you can work around your child’s needs
  • Schedule time each day to talk to another adult
  • Allow yourself to cry. Find things that make you laugh
  • Find a way to have a weekly date with your partner
  • Say no to extra responsibilities

Ideas for meeting intellectual needs:

  • Take your child to the library, but pick up a book or video for yourself while  you’re there
  • Listen to radio shows, audio books, or podcasts while you drive or work around the house
  • If your child is doing an art project, sit down and create your own art!
  • Write – stories, a blog, a journal – get your thoughts out on paper or screen
  • Watch documentaries on TV, or on DVD from the library or Netflix
  • Return to old hobbies you may not have pursued since your child’s birth

Ideas for meeting spiritual needs:

  • Go to religious services (or listen / view online)
  • Meditate or pray each morning, or each evening
  • Do volunteer work or help out others spontaneously
  • Contribute to causes you believe in
  • Spend time outdoors
  • Write in a journal – reflect on your new life
  • Be open to inspiration and awe

Every morning when your alarm goes off, or shortly after your child wakes you, spend one minute in bed deciding what you are going to do for yourself that day. Start small – promise yourself just 15 minutes a day. You’ll soon see the rewards (for yourself, and your family) of a little bit of “me time.”