Author Archives: Janelle Durham

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About Janelle Durham

I am a parent educator and social worker, and teach music and science to children age 1 - 8.

Parenting an Only Child

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How common are only children?

In the US today, families have an average of 1.9 children. 20% of women only have one child.

Benefits

Raising kids is very expensive, so having just one saves the family money, but also may allow them to fit in luxuries like vacations, private school, and activities they couldn’t afford if they had multiple children.

Having fewer children is better for the environment.

It may be easier for a parent to manage their career with only one child.

Parents of one may feel much less frazzled and overwhelmed than if they had multiple kids to juggle.

An only child doesn’t feel like they have to compete for love and attention.

Strengths of Only Children

Research shows that only children score just as well as siblings on traits such as maturity, popularity, generosity, cooperativeness, flexibility, independence, emotional stability and contentment.

Only children have higher intelligence, are more motivated in school, have higher self-esteem, good language skills (from all that adult conversation), and better relationships with parents.

Parents of only children tend to be happier than those with multiple children.

Sources: www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html?_r=0

www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=114&np=99&id=1926

Potential Pitfalls and how to minimize

Avoid the “lonely only.” Help your child build friendships.

  • It’s easy for parent to become the child’s best friend. Those children may seek out adult company and have a harder time relating to peers.
  • Ensure that your child has plenty of play time with other kids. Especially seek out long-term connections – friends or family your child will have the opportunity to interact with for years. That gives them some of the long-term history of relationhip they would have with a sibling.
  • Consider joining boy / girl scouts, 4-H, church group, or some other long-term group activity.

Help them learn to manage conflict. Only children don’t have the built-in practice at conflict resolution that kids with siblings have.

  • Try not to become too involved in playground conflicts. Children will learn more from the experience if they have to figure out on their own how to resolve it.

Don’t pressure your child to be everything you ever hoped your child (or you) could become. In some families, onlies feel like all the hopes of the family are riding on their shoulders. They can become anxious, pressured perfectionists.

  • Let them be kids. The good news about onlies is that they’re very good at operating in an adult world, with good manners, sophisticated vocabulary, and so on. But make sure you also take some time to go to the playground and let them run around and scream all they want.

Don’t pressure yourself too much. Parent of only children often feel like they only have “one chance to get it right” and are very hard on themselves when they make any mistakes.

Help them to be responsible and independent.

  • It can be easy to do everything for your child and always step in to rescue things when they have any challenge. Some day observe a large family, and you’ll see how much more parents expect and how much more their kids can do without that parental intervention.
  • Give your child chores and expect them to get done.
  • Your child won’t have the built-in opportunity to teach and mentor a younger sibling. Look for places where he or she can have a positive influence on a younger child.

Don’t let other people’s comments / judgments get to you or your child. Insensitive people may ask your child if they want a sibling. They may ask you if you’re planning more and want to know why not. They may assume you’re selfish, don’t like parenting, are infertile, are having marital strife… Feeling positive about parenting an only child, and letting your child know why you feel good about it can help both of you withstand these moments.

Don’t spoil / over-indulge your child. Set clear limits, and be sure they don’t always get their way. This also reduces the chance you’ll have a “bossy” child. If they’ve learned that it doesn’t work to boss you around, they won’t try to boss others around.

Find ways to teach and model generosity and sharing.

Don’t over-protect. It can be easy to become a helicopter parent, hovering closely around your only child. Try to stand back and give them space to make their own mistakes (and learn from them).

 

 

 

Helping Your Child Adapt to a New Baby

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medium_2681695116Preparing for the New Baby

Follow your child’s lead. When they want to talk about the baby, take advantage of that, but as soon as their attention shifts elsewhere, let it go. Don’t force the topic.

Read books about what to expect. Look here for my Recommended Kids’ Books about Pregnancy, Birth, and Babies.

Watch a video about a new baby coming to a family. This was made by Penny Simkin, who had taught sibling preparation classes for 30+ years when she made it. Includes details about the birth process at an age-appropriate level. Available to stream (rent or buy) at https://www.pennysimkin.com/project/theres-a-baby-a-childrens-film/.

Take a sibling preparation class. Check with your local hospitals that offer childbirth preparation classes. They may offer sibling classes.

Tell stories to your older child about when they were a baby. Look at their baby pictures together.

Provide dolls and doll accessories for your toddler to “practice” baby care behaviors they’ll soon see.

If there are any behaviors or routines that just won’t work after baby comes, try to change them at least 3 – 4 months before the birth, so your child has a chance to adapt, without feeling like it’s “the baby’s fault” things had to change.

If one parent provides almost all the care for your child, try to increase the amount of time they receive care from other providers so they know they have other adults to rely on.

In the early weeks with the new baby

Try not to change day-to-day routines. Your child will need consistency and reliability.

The safety of the baby is top priority, so set clear limits to protect the baby.

Have some time of each day where the older child knows they are your top priority. Let them choose the activity for their “special time.”

Let your older child continue to be a “baby” when he needs to be. Don’t expect instant maturity and independence.

  • Regression is common – listen to your older child’s feelings and validate that it’s hard for everyone to adjust to the new baby.

Make sure your older child has some space and things that belong only to them.

Expect to have good days and bad days. Don’t worry that it will “never get better.”

Don’t blame things on the baby: Instead of saying “I can’t play with you because of the baby”, try saying “I really want to play with you – in just a few minutes baby will be done nursing, and you and I will have play time. Or, you can bring your toys here right now.”

Have ‘special times’ with your older child: a quick trip to the park, a bedtime story, an outing.

Give the older child special responsibilities. Making the older child a “helper” in the care of the new baby will help the child feel involved instead of neglected. However, it is important to remember that the new baby is not your older child’s responsibility.

Encourage and reinforce the positive behaviors you want to see in your older child.

Sometimes, parents feel guilty that they can no longer give the older child the same attention that they used to. It may help to remind yourself that although this doesn’t seem fair to your older child, they are also benefitting from the experience of having a younger sibling.

As your children get older

Look here for lots more tips on sibling relationships.

Resources

photo credit: K. W. Sanders via photopin cc

Cheap Dates with Toddlers: Garage Sales

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Any Friday or Saturday, drive around a residential neighborhood, and you’ll see the signs.

In winter, after my kids finish their scheduled activity, whether it’s dance class or coop preschool, I usually just want to go home when we’re done, back to a warm dry house. But in the spring time when the weather is beautiful, sometimes I just want to be out for a little while longer. Garage sales offer an easy opportunity.

I will pick a sign to follow, and see where we end up. We then walk around and look at things. Sometimes you have a total dud of a garage sale, when there’s nothing that appeals to anyone in the family. But, much more often, you’ll find something that you child thinks is a treasure. Once my daughter found a great tie-dyed jumper for $1.00 – it was a little big on her then, but it ended up becoming her favorite sun-dress not just that summer but for two or three summers to come. My son found a Japanese tea set he fell in love with. We found some great stuffed animals, some DVD’s, some books, a bike…

Now, I’m not a big fan of a lot of clutter in my life, so I’m always very clear that each child can pick out a MAXIMUM of one item. And sometimes we don’t find anything to bring home. Our approach was always that it’s more about the process than the product. It’s just interesting to see what things people are casting out of their lives. As my kids got older, it was interesting to pontificate on the family’s story. We would guess how old their kids were now based on what types of kid stuff they decided they’d outgrown. We found it sad when there was an older woman selling lots of men’s clothes and items, and wondered if her husband had recently passed. Sometimes we walked away wondering: why would anyone ever buy those items in the first place???

A garage sale is usually a quick outing – 15 minute or so, but often just a fun moment of serendipity in a day.

photo credit: Nomadic Lass via photopin cc

Four Parenting Styles

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Developmental theorists categorize parenting styles as authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved. Let’s look at those categories and the possible benefits and downsides of each approach. We’ll start with this illustration to summarize the idea, then walk through the details.

GRID

Two Gradients of Parenting Style

Responsiveness. The horizontal line addresses how much attention a parent pays to the child’s needs, demands, and unique temperament. Highly responsive parents attempt to foster individuality and independence by being attentive, supportive, and responsive to the child’s needs and the demands of the moment. A non-responsive parent applies the same rules / expectations to all children and all situations.

High Expectations (aka Demandingness), is how high the parent’s expectation is for obedience and “fitting in” to the family rules or to social norms. Demanding parents set clear goals and expectations, confront a child who disobeys, and disciplines when limits are crossed.

Four Parenting Styles

Note, for each I list potential benefits – how things can work out if this style of parenting is done well, and potential pitfalls – if you’re aware of them, you can work to avoid them.

Authoritarian (aka “The Boss”)

The parent is in control, the goals are obedience and reaching high expectations. Parents provide structured environments, set strict rules, and don’t explain rules beyond “I know what’s best for you.” Children may face consequences if they don’t meet standards, and may or may not be rewarded when they do. Children are scolded for showing negative emotions. Parents may not show overt affection. Potential Benefits: Children may perform well in school and not get in much trouble, and may excel at skills that require focus and discipline to learn. Potential Downsides: Some children may rebel and have poor relationships with parents. Some children may experience low self-esteem or an inability to make their own decisions.

Authoritative / Democratic / Balanced (aka “The Friendly Boss”)

The focus in on teaching decision-making, the goal is finding a balance between personal happiness and accomplishment. Democratic parents provide clear, reasonable expectations, explain why they expect children to behave that way, and monitor behavior in a warm and loving manner. Mistakes are used as a chance to teach important lessons rather than as an opportunity for punishment. Parents give limited choices based on developmental ability, balancing freedom with responsibility. Potential Benefits: Children are self-regulated, self-determined, cooperative, and socially responsible. Potential downsides: This style is harder work for the parents than the other styles.

Permissive (aka “The Friend”)

The focus is on meeting the child’s desires in the moment, the long-term goal is a happy life rather than specific accomplishments. Permissive parents have an indulgent laissez-faire attitude. They make few rules and routines, and may not consistently enforce the rules and routines they do establish. They want children to feel free, and have as many choices as possible. They may not have specific expectations for appropriate behavior, and accept their child in a warm and loving way, no matter how the child behaves. Potential Benefits: kids may have high self-esteem, good social skills, low depression, and be creative. Potential Downsides: Might perform poorly in school/work due to challenges with following rules, may alienate people by over-stepping boundaries.

Uninvolved 

Uninvolved parents may not give any guidance, punishment, or rewards. They may simply be detached, and un-interested in their children and their activities. Most provide the basic needs of life, but shrug off responsibility for their child’s activities and concerns. In extreme cases, this might include rejection and/or neglect. Children tend to be rebellious, irresponsible, perform poorly at school, and show signs of emotional distress.

Inconsistent Parenting (aka Wishy-Washy)

We’re all guilty of this at times… Some days you’re tired so you’re overly permissive and let your child do anything they want; then you over-correct and are overly authoritarian and set strict punishments. This is confusing and stressful for children. Children want to do well, and when the rules change it makes it hard for them to know how to do so. When setting family rules and expectations, be realistic with yourself about what you can consistently enforce.

choices grid

Parenting Style – Approach to Choices

Your parenting style may effect how many choices you let your child make. The authoritarian parent makes the choices for the child, dictating what should be done and what the consequences will be if it’s not done. An authoritative / democratic parent offers limited choices and teaches the child about the consequences of each choice. The permissive parents offers a wide range of acceptable options. The uninvolved parent leaves it to the child to figure out their own way in the world. Learn more here and in my post on how to effectively offer choices.

Learn More about Parenting Styles

Parenting Style: Are You a Helicopter Parent? Free Range Family? Tiger Mom?

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Popular media likes simple, black and white labels for more complicated ideas. For this post, I’ve gathered some trendy labels for different parenting styles. For five topics below, I’ll give two statements… decide which one comes closer to representing your feelings, and then see what “label” that would get you. I include links to resources where you can learn more about that parenting style. I often find that reading about other people’s philosophies helps me clarify what my own parenting philosophy is, and thus live it more effectively.

How should you care for a young baby? (under 6 months)

A: Parents should determine a schedule for baby’s feeding, diaper changes, and nap times. Parents provide structure, a predictable environment, and a consistent response style to train baby’s internal clock. They may leave a baby to “cry it out” as it learns self-soothing behavior.

B: Parents watch baby for hunger cues and feed on demand. They watch for toileting cues to know when a diaper change is imminent. When tired cues appear, they settle baby to sleep. Parents always respond to crying. Parents focus on being responsive to the child, and the family’s schedule adapts around baby’s needs.

If you chose A, that’s “parent led” style. One proponent of parent-led style is Gary Ezzo, author of On Becoming Baby Wise.

B is “child led” style. One proponent of baby-led style is the Sears family, authors of The Attachment Parenting Book.

Here are articles comparing a daily schedule for Parent-Led vs. Baby Led families

How much do you schedule enrichment activities (for your preschool age child)?

A: “Children are exposed to enrichment videos… from early infancy as well as specialized books and toys [and enrichment activities] designed to ensure that they are well-rounded and adequately stimulated for excelled development… considerable family resources are being invested to ensure that the children have what are marketed as the “very best” opportunities.” [Source]

B: “He doesn’t need toys… He sometimes picks up a stick and one moment it’s an airplane. Then it becomes a car, then a train, then a monster from the lagoon. What amazes me about this is his creativity and delight as he plays… In order for a child to be able to play like this and be inventive, he needs unscheduled time.” [Source]

These are the Scheduled vs. Un-Scheduled Parents. It may be best to find a good balances between the two sides. Here is an AAP article on the importance of play (and unstructured time): http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/119/1/182.full

How much do you intervene in your child’s conflicts? (for 5 year olds on the playground)

A: “I tried to be prepared and attentive. I would get up mid-conversation to help my boys negotiate and share if I sensed trouble was brewing. I parceled out snacks, helped them on the swings, and watched over my kids… being on top of things… was what good parents did.”

B: “Adults didn’t impose their notions of correct behavior onto the children’s natural, boisterous play. Play fighting was considered [normal]… Fighting, crying, and making up again were normal ways of figuring out how to get along… it was important not to interfere in this…”

These summaries are taken from Parenting without Borders by Christine Gross-Loh. A describes her observations about American parents versus Japanese parents. She goes on to discuss research that shows that at age 12, the Japanese kids are more empathetic and respectful of their peers. They treat other people right because it’s the right thing to do, and they know people will be unhappy if they do otherwise. Kids in America report that you need to be nice to others, because if you’re not, you’ll get caught and you’ll get in trouble with your parents or teachers.

How much do you protect your child vs. allowing free exploration?

A: These parents have a high level of oversight and supervision, providing frequent advice, reminders, and assistance. Parents protect from harm and upset, and help with decision making. Parents “smooth the way” by being actively engaged with teachers, coaches, etc.

B: These parents encourage children to actively and independently explore their worlds. “We don’t want our kids to fall off a bike. But we do want them to learn to ride. We can [either] hold onto handlebars forever, or wish them luck and then let go.”

A is the Helicopter Parent. Learn more at http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/04/in-defense-of-helicopter-parents/; http://www.schoolofsmock.com/2013/08/19/helicopterparenting/  – Your Hovering Doesn’t Help

B is a Free Range Parent. Learn more at https://time.com/3828533/free-range-parenting/ and http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/03/hey-parents-leave-those-kids-alone/358631/

How would you approach school, homework, and piano practice? (for a 10 year old or so…)

A: “What [these] parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences… Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it’s math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun.”

B: “[This] includes trusting your child in what they choose to learn; you extend that same trust to other areas of your child’s life, like foods, media, television, bedtime. Parenting is supposed to be joyful, and it can be when we learn to connect with, rather than control, our children. The focus of our life is on happiness and pursuing our interests with reckless abandon together. We totally immerse ourselves in our passions every single day.”

A describes a “director” approach to parenting. Amy Chua, self-described “Chinese Mother”, describes this in Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother: Learn more: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html  or Video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlHLyHw47AU

B is Radical Un-Schooling. Read more from Dayna Martin at Radical Unschooling: https://daynamartin.com/the-evolution-of-childrens-rights-radical-unschooling/ , https://learninghappens.wordpress.com/2011/09/24/unschooling-is-not-child-led-learning/  Or Video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFgVgRvmSeM

Another perspective on parenting styles

Researchers in psychology and child development often refer to 4 styles of parenting: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, and Uninvolved. (Learn more here.) On that scale, all the A choices above (Parent-Led, Helicopter Parent, etc.) lean toward the Authoritarian – high on demand, low on responsiveness.

All the B choices (Child Led, Free Range Parent, Radical Unschooler) lean toward Permissive – high on responsiveness, low on demand.

You may have heard the phrase “all things in moderation.” That definitely can apply to parenting. Any of these approaches can work well if applied with a light touch. But they could all be taken too far. Parents who go too far in the authoritarian direction may end with children  who follow rules and don’t get into trouble, but might be less creative, and less happy. Parents who go too far in the permissive direction may end up with kids who are creative and happy, but have a hard time succeeding in school, peer relationships, and work.

Wherever you stand, it may be helpful to moderate a little toward the center of the spectrum between these extremes… an authoritative parent tries to find a good balance between challenging their kids to help them succeed while at the same time honoring them as individuals.

Parent Educators, here’s a couple options for a free printable handout on parenting style spectrums1. Parenting Style

Also check out this article on: 23 Parenting Philosophies and Methods Explained.