Author Archives: Janelle Durham

Unknown's avatar

About Janelle Durham

I am a parent educator and social worker, and teach music and science to children age 1 - 8.

Raising Bilingual Children

2 Replies

bilingualHow do you do it?

One Person, One Language: each parent or caregiver consistently speaks only one language to the child. For example, mother speaks only Mandarin to the child, father speaks only English. Or Grandma speaks only Russian while other family members use English with the child.

Family Language at Home (also called minority language at home): family members all speak their family language. The child will learn the community language later, as she goes out into the community, attending preschool, kindergarten and onward.

Foreign Language Child-Care: some families hire an au pair or nanny who speaks a different language from the family, others place the child in a child care setting where another language is spoken.

Exposure to Other Languages: some families dabble in languages, perhaps teaching the child how to count or name animals in another language. They may read books, watch videos, or sing songs in the other language, or use it in occasional conversation. They may seek out language based playgroups.

Does it work?

The key components that affect whether a child learns a language are exposure and need. Are they exposed to the language in multiple ways by multiple speakers? The greater the exposure to a language, the greater their chance of learning it. Do they need to use the language to interact with people they care about and to get what they want? This will increase the chance they will learn it

So, if you’re just offering occasional exposure to other languages, where they don’t need to use the language in return (for example, reading books or watching videos) they will likely have only a basic familiarity with the sounds of the language and the ability to say a few words.

If a child is exposed to several hours of engaged interaction each week, where they are motivated to communicate with the speaker, like at child care or via one-on-one care by a nanny or an extended family member, they may learn to carry on basic conversations.

If a child is immersed in a language for more than 30% of his waking hours, he is likely to become completely fluent in that language. Interacting with more than one person in that language will build his skills, so many parents seek out language-based playgroups, story times, and other activities so the child can interact with other adults and with other children in that language.

Some children observe closely to figure out what’s the “important language” and focus on that. For example, if they notice that Grandma speaks Spanish to them most of the time, but speaks to other people in English, they realize they can speak English with her and get the interaction they want, so there’s not a lot of need for them to learn to speak Spanish (though they may understand it well.)

Is it a good idea to start a second language early, or is it better to delay?

Parents worry that learning two languages at once (simultaneous bilingualism) will be confusing. They wonder if it’s better to wait till a child knows one language well before starting the next (sequential). Most experts say it’s fine to start from birth – it is as if the child has two “native languages.”

Babies are born with billions of neurons (brain cells). They spend the first few years of life building trillions of synapses (connections) between those cells. For language especially, these first few years are the most “sensitive period” in their lives when they are primed to learn language. At 6 months, human babies are able to differentiate between any sounds that human beings make.

But as children age, they begin to “prune” some of the synapses they’ve built. Connections that are important get reinforced, but things which they aren’t using in everyday life may get cut. So, by 11 months, a mono-lingual baby no longer hears differences that aren’t important in his family’s language. For example, a Japanese child can no longer hear the difference between ra and la, because it’s irrelevant in the Japanese language.

If a child is raised bilingual, it extends the learning and pruning period: at 11 months they can still distinguish between all sounds. By 14 months, they recognize all the sounds that are important to both their languages, but don’t distinguish other sounds.

Are there disadvantages to learning two languages early on?

If only the family language is spoken at home, and the child has minimal exposure to the community language before starting preschool or school, it’s not unusual for her to struggle a little in the first few months of school, but usually within 6 – 9 months or so, she catches up to the native speakers.

If the family speaks multiple languages, the child will of course sometimes make mistakes, like asking “Where you are?” instead of “where are you?” or calling something by the wrong name. This is not much different than the mistakes a mono-lingual child makes, like calling a cow a sheep, or saying “I have one books.” Children outgrow this. Bilingual children may also mix multiple languages into one sentence, especially when they know that the person they’re speaking to knows both languages. When they’re speaking to a mono-lingual person, they’re more likely to stay in one language.

Bilingual children may seem to know fewer words, and be slower in language development (perhaps 3 – 6 months behind peers in either language). However, if you add together the words they know in both languages, the total is almost always higher than it is for those who speak one language.

If you’re worried, here are a few red flags to watch out for: less than one new word per week (in either language) for 9 – 15 month old children; less than 20 words (in two languages combined) by 20 months; no word combinations (like ‘red ball’ or ‘give cookie’ or ‘see doggie’) by age 2 – 3 years.

Are there benefits to learning two languages early on?

Early childhood is the easiest time to learn multiple languages. Speaking the language of his heritage can help connect him to that history, and to his extended family. Knowing multiple languages can help your child in school and in her future career in our increasingly global society.

Multilingual children have been shown to be better at problem-solving – they are more flexible thinkers. They are also better at filtering out distractions and concentrating on the task at hand. Knowing multiple languages may help them feel at ease in different environments. Being aware of the need to adjust their language depending on whom they’re speaking to may increase empathy overall.

Want to learn more about language development and how to encourage it? Look here.

Resources:

A Guide to Raising Bilingual Children.www.cnn.com/2012/11/28/living/parenting-bilingual-children/index.html

Raising Bilingual Children. www.linguisticsociety.org/files/Bilingual_Child.pdf

Multi-Lingual Children’s Association, a comprehensive site with lots of resources: www.multilingualchildren.org/index.html

Video: interview about raising bilingual children:

photo credit: woodleywonderworks via photopin cc

Cheap Dates with Toddlers: Farmers Markets

6 Replies
market

I love taking my kids on outings to farmer’s markets – the toddler and the teenagers! It’s a chance to be outdoors, walking, surrounded by people of all ages from your community. Every time we go we run into someone we haven’t seen in ages, and it’s a nice chance to say a quick hello.

The market stalls offer a visual feast… I’m not really a visual person – I may not even notice if there’s art on the wall in a restaurant – but at a farmers’ market, I love the colors and textures: the glossy green cucumbers, the bright red bell peppers, the lumpy brown potatoes, the yellow sunflowers, and more.

Shopping at the market is also a great chance to be more aware of food, where it comes from and seasons. In summer we might go home with lettuce, cucumbers, peppers, and tomatoes for fresh summer salads. In late season, it’s parsnips, sweet potatoes, and squash for autumn vegetable soups. You can talk with your kids about those seasons and talk about celebrating each one.

All season long, there’s fresh-baked bread, homemade jams and other goodies, and fresh cut bouquets of flowers. Many markets also sell arts and crafts.

Several locations have food trucks if you’d like to grab a pizza dinner or an ice cream cone while you shop. Several locations also offer live music – usually of the folk or bluegrass variety, and can be a nice opportunity for a family picnic while the kids dance around.

Bring re-useable bags along when you come, and bring cash. (Although most vendors do take credit cards.)

2025 Markets on the Eastside

Here’s the 2025 summer schedule for markets on the Eastside of Seattle

Tuesdays:

Wednesdays

Thursdays

Fridays

Saturdays

Sundays

Here’s a list of farmer’s markets in Snohomish County: https://www.themadronagroup.com/snohomish-county-farmers-markets-list/

For more outdoor activities in the greater Seattle area, check out my posts on Outdoor Summer Movies 2025, Outdoor Theater 2025, Parks with Industrial Artifacts, Lesser Known Parks on the Eastside, and Summer Camps for Kids.

For lots more ideas on fun, cheap activities to do with your toddler, click on “toddler date” in the categories list to the right sidebar (or scroll down on mobile device.) Also, learn about parent-child classes for families with kids birth to age 8.

photo credit: NatalieMaynor via photopin cc

Sleep and Young Children

7 Replies

sleepWhat’s “Normal” for a Young Child?

The amount of sleep an individual needs ranges a lot, based on their temperament, physiology, and daily activity level. The quality of their sleep also varies. Some children fall asleep easily, and some struggle to let go of the day. Some sleep solidly through all disturbances, others wake frequently. Some wake up happy and bright in the morning, others are sluggish. These sleep temperaments can appear at birth, and remain with the child throughout life. However, don’t be too quick to “label” your child as a ‘good sleeper’ or a ‘bad sleeper’, because there are definitely things that parents can do to improve any child’s sleep, and also habits we can develop that impair our child’s ability to rest well.

As a broad, sweeping generalization, experts estimate that a “typical” one-year-old needs about 10 – 13 hours of sleep at night, and one or two naps (a total of 2 hours of nap.) A typical two-year-old needs 9.5 – 12 hours a night, and one nap (1.5 – 2.5 hours). 1/3 of toddlers still wake in the night. Preschoolers need 10 – 13 hours at night, school age children need 9 – 11 hours. (Read more sleep recommendations here.)

Children who sleep in the same room, or same bed, as their parents tend to have more night-time wake-ups, but may also have more total sleep than those who sleep solo.

Sleep patterns shift during travel, around daylight savings, when a child is ill, having a developmental growth spurt, is going through a separation anxiety phase, or when the family’s routine changes (after a move, a new baby, new day care, change in parent’s work schedule, etc.)

Things that help with sleep at any age:

  • Have a fairly stable, reliable daily schedule to help set their biological clock.
  • Include plenty of physical activity during the day. This will help them rest better at night.
  • Teach day and night: in the daytime, keep the house light, don’t worry about noises, and be interactive. In the night-time, keep lights dim, be quiet, and interact as little as possible.
  • Try to create a consistent sleep environment. Having familiar toys, standard bedtime music, and a typical light level help reinforce that this is the “time and place for sleep.” Do change things a little from time to time, as you don’t want to get into a situation where your child is ONLY able to sleep if they have one specific object with them, since that object might get lost!
  • Know your child’s tired cues. As they near the end of their day, do they get bleary-eyed and yawn and rest a lot? Or do they get wild and wired and run around crashing into things? Try to start your wind-down time before you see these cues! It’s usually easier to settle a just-tired-enough-to-sleep child than an overstimulated-overloaded child.
  • About a half hour before bedtime, start your wind-down time: turn off screens (TV, video games.), turn down the lights, turn down the heat (being cool signals it’s time to sleep), and turn down the activity level. (No rough-housing or big physical activity right before bed.)
  • About ten minutes before bedtime, start the official bedtime routine.

Bedtime Routines

Keep it short and simple! No more than fifteen minutes. Set clear limits on time and number of activities. Tell them the routine and stick to it: “remember, every night we read exactly two books.” If kids learn that some nights they can talk you into more, they’ll negotiate for more every night!

Some helpful tools:

  • Changing into pajamas can be a signal that bedtime has come.
  • Many parents use bedtime as a chance to reflect on the day: what was the best part of the day, what was the worst, what did they learn? Some parents review the day in story-style: “One spring morning, Mary woke up and had blueberries and puffs for breakfast…”
  • Some parents teach relaxation and visualization techniques to help the child self-soothe.
  • Some do bedtime math.
  • The standard is bedtime stories… choose calming sweet stories, and save the rollicking stories for other times of day. Some children like variety, some want the same stories every night.

After the bedtime routine, your child may try to “escape” from bed. Don’t let them, because if you let them escape once they’ll try every night… Instead, every time they get up, calmly and gently pick them up, stating simply “It’s now your bedtime, you need to be in bed. I will see you in the morning.” And place them back in bed. No long lectures, no anger, just a matter-of-fact unbreakable rule. If they continue to escape, use logical consequences: “if you get up again, then….”

Night Wake-ups

After 6 months, children no longer have a nutritional need for night feeds. If they are still waking, do the bare minimum intervention to help them get back to sleep. Don’t make this fun time, or snuggle time – just a simple settling back to bed. Some working parents can feel guilty about lack of connection during the day and try to make up for it at night, but that’s going to cause sleep issues…

How do I know if my child has a sleep problem?

Don’t listen to outsiders on this one: it doesn’t matter what your friend, neighbor, or mother-in-law thinks. It matters how you feel! If it’s working for you, your partner, and your child, then NO, you don’t have a sleep problem. If, however, you, your partner, or your child are miserable, stressed out, sleep-deprived, frequently ill, or just tired of the situation, then take steps to fix the problem!

If you want to change things

When your toddler was a baby, you found things that worked to help him sleep. And you’re probably still doing them! What seemed manageable then may be getting old now. If you’re ready to make a change, such as moving your child to his own bed, changing the bedtime routine, or changing how you respond to night wakings, here are some helpful strategies.

Sleep diary: Spend a week tracking: what time does your child go down to sleep, what steps did you take to get her there, how long she slept, mood on waking, and so on. Once you have a better sense of what’s actually happening right now, it’s easier to begin figuring out what to change.

Goal Setting: Figure out what things would look like if sleep was going better. How are things for you and your child? Having that end goal in sight can help you prioritize the steps to get there.

Make a plan. Prep your child for the change, letting them know what to expect. Writing down the new plan, or creating a picture calendar of the plan may help them. Make changes gradually.

Set your own limits for how long you’ll try something… maybe you’ll try for ten days straight, and if that doesn’t work, you’ll give up for a month, then try again. Children usually begin to learn a new behavior after 7 repetitions. But sometimes you just need to wait till they grow up a little bit more.

photo credit: JasonTromm via photopin cc

Getting through the Day with a Young Child: Daily Routines

22 Replies

scheduleBenefits of Routines

Establishing a daily schedule with predictable routines can make life with a young child more manageable. Children feel confident and are more independent and competent when they know where things are, how things work, what to expect, and what steps need to be done in what order to accomplish what they need to accomplish. They are less likely to battle things (like cleaning up toys or brushing teeth) when they know they are just something that has to happen every day. They are less likely to melt down when they are well-rested and fed on a regular basis. Children feel safe and secure when life is predictable, and the more secure they feel, the more energy they can focus on playing, exploring, and learning. And for tired parents, routines mean that we don’t have to think as much about what to do next – we know! Instead of spending hours trying to decide where to go and never actually getting anywhere, we say “It’s Tuesday. Tuesday is library story time! And off we go. (And, of course, routines can be flexible when needed – you can change the plan, but it’s often nice to feel you HAVE a plan.)

Building a Daily Schedule

Start with mealtimes, naptime, and bedtime. Spend a few days keeping a journal of what you are currently doing, and see what the patterns are. Then write down what your ideal schedule would be. Make a plan for how to move in that direction. (For example, if your child stays up till 9:00 or 9:15 every night, you can’t declare that “starting tomorrow, you must go to sleep at 7:30.” But, you could do bedtime at 9:00 one night, 8:50 the next, 8:40 the next, and so on.)

Then fill in the rest of the schedule: together time, solo play time for your child, and lots of physical activity – I’d recommend a minimum of an hour a day of physical activity, but more is better. Build in hygiene habits (hand-washing, tooth-brushing), and clean-up times. If there are chores that need doing, put those just before a favorite activity, so they always know that as soon as they finish their clean-up they get to play.

Reinforce the routine by talking about “this is how we always do things.” You can make a poster with pictures of the daily cycle. [Note: Try to keep a weekend schedule similar to the weekday schedule.]

Morning Routine

If you have a child that wakes up earlier than you want to be up yourself, then make a basket of “quiet morning toys” for your room, and set limits on how/what they can play early in the morning, and how they know when it’s OK to transition to louder morning activities.

If you have a child who will sleep late and who you have to wake up, go ahead and spend time taking care of yourself, and getting yourself ready for the day first. Then put on some cheerful morning music, start with morning hugs and kisses, and read a few stories together to start them on their day.

Morning routine might include getting dressed, breakfast, brushing teeth, feeding the dog… try to do the same activities in the same order, each morning. You could make a small flip book showing the steps in morning routine. Hang it on their doorknob. They can walk themselves through it each morning.

Along the way, you can offer choices, but only offer simple options that you can live with, and keep the number of options small. A good rule of thumb is to take their age plus one: so, a one year old would be offered two choices: red shirt or blue shirt?

Getting out the Door

If you notice that every single morning, you’re stressed and yelling “hurry up”, start a new habit: do some work the night before to lay clothes out, prep some food, and so on. Also, whenever you return home from an outing, re-pack your diaper bag or whatever else you know you’ll be taking with you the next time you leave.

Set an alarm on your phone for ten minutes before you have to leave. When it goes off, remind your child of the steps they need to do to be ready on time. Tell them they can have a few more minutes of playtime, then you’ll start the leaving-the-house countdown. While they have their playtime, you get all your things ready to go so you can give them your full focus in those last few minutes. Two minutes before time to go, do the final steps of shoes, coats, picking up your bags and heading out.

Naptime

A “typical” one-year-old needs about 10 – 13 hours of sleep at night, and one or two naps (a total of 2 hours of nap.) A typical two-year-old needs 9.5 – 12 hours a night, and one nap (1.5 – 2.5 hours). Most children begin to give up naps by age 3, but you may still have a “quiet time” in the afternoon if that’s helpful for them (or for you).

To settle your child down, try an abbreviated version of the bedtime routine. If he falls asleep, let him go till he wakes himself. Don’t feel like you have to wake him to be sure he’ll sleep at night – good naptime sleep begets good night-time sleep. If your child won’t sleep, you can still enforce a quiet time in their room. Be very matter of fact that they must stay in their room for a certain amount of time, and can only get up when you say it’s OK. If you are consistent every day, they’re less likely to fight it. If they learn that sometimes you let them get up early, they’ll fight for that every single day.

Dinner Time

If dinner prep time is hard every day, then plan for it! Have an activities basket that only comes out at that time (keeps it special). Involve your child in meal prep. Give yourself plenty of time to get things done despite distractions. Planning out meals in advance can make this time less stressful. More mealtime tips here.

Bedtime Routine

Start your bedtime routine before the first yawn. Lots of kids will go from tired-but-not-yawning to yawning to overtired-wild-child if you wait too long. Start winding down about a half hour before bedtime: dim the lights, turn the temperature down in the house so they want to get under their snuggly blankets. Turn off all screens, for you and them. Consider a bedtime snack and/or a bath.

About ten minutes before bedtime, start final steps: pajamas and stories. Set clear limits on time and number of activities. Again, if kids learn some nights you’ll read 5 stories, they’ll ask for 5 every night!

Think about having multiple sleep “cues” that help cue your child to settle down but don’t let them become sleep “crutches” without which they can’t sleep. For example, your child might usually have: bedtime music, bedtime story, pajamas, and favorite stuffed animal. But not always all of them… that way if one night you can’t find the stuffed animal they can still sleep. Or if you’re travelling, and forgot pajamas, they’re still able to fall asleep in their clothes.

Adjust as Needed

Make changes to routine gradually. If you know a big change is coming, talk about it beforehand.

Resource

Everyday learning opportunities. 101 tips for incorporating learning in your day: www.pnc.com/content/dam/gug/PDFs/GUG_Eng_Everyday_Learning_Tips_Download.pdf

photo credit: woodleywonderworks via photopin cc

Sibling Relationships

1 Reply

siblngsBenefits of siblings

When you search for the word sibling, the most common topics that come up are all about the sibling rivalry. But let’s start by looking at the benefits of siblings:

Siblings have lifelong companions. As children, there’s a built-in playmate in the house, a travel companion, co-conspirator and someone to bond with over how “unfair” their parents are to them. Throughout life, a sibling can be the longest relationship they experience – parents will likely die long before the children, but the sibling will still be there. Not all siblings are friends, and not all siblings love each other – that’s not guaranteed. But they do have a history together that no one can match.

When children go away to daycare or school or summer camp together, they may adapt better. Having the sibling along helps them separate from the parents more easily.

Living in close quarters with each other can help siblings to learn cooperation, conflict resolution, empathy, forgiveness, and understanding for another person’s point of view. This doesn’t happen automatically, but does happen with your support.

For the older child: having a younger sibling is a chance to be a mentor and role model, and a chance to practice responsibility. (But DON’T over-burden him or make feel TOO responsible. He should always know that you as the parent are responsible for the children.)

For younger siblings: Younger siblings get dragged along to lots of activities, but that can mean they learn things earlier: soccer, dance, etc. They can read and write and handle other academics younger because they have the older child as a role model. They have an opportunity to learn from older siblings mistakes (e.g. start planning for college sooner.)

Why siblings fight

  • Having to share their space and possessions all the time, every day.
  • Feeling they are getting unequal amounts of your love, or unfair treatment.
  • To get your attention.
  • Trying to define who they are as an individual, separate from their sibling.
  • Sometimes kids have put on their nice social graces for everyone else all day, and need a chance to vent steam with someone they know “has to” still love them later.
  • Because they’re there – conflict gets the adrenaline pumping, which can be fun!

Setting the stage for positive interaction

[If you’re adding a new baby sibling to the house, check here for tips.]

Personal space and possessions:

  • Teach your children that most toys are communal and must be shared nicely. However, each child has the right to set aside a special place and some special possessions that are theirs alone.
  • If the sibling wants to play with the special toys they have to ask, and it’s OK to say no.
  • For the communal possessions and activities, try to have toys and games that work at different levels that they can play with together – open-ended toys like blocks and play-dough are great.

Be fair and equitable. (Note: This doesn’t mean treating your kids exactly the same at all times.)

  • Make sure each child gets one-on-one attention from you at times – maybe a weekly “date” that’s all about connecting as individuals.
  • There are times only one child can do something both want to do (e.g. press the elevator button, choose where the family will have lunch). Have a way to track whose turn it is.
  • Make sure the kids have equitable, developmentally appropriate privileges and responsibilities. Don’t be overly harsh on your older child and don’t baby your younger child.
  • Apply the same rules to both kids at the same age. (So, if your older child had a 9:00 pm bedtime when he was 12 years old, your younger one should also have a 9:00 pm when she is 12 years old. Even if her big brother is now allowed to stay up later.)
  • If you change any of the rules over time because it’s the right thing to do (yes, we parents sometimes realize we were unreasonably harsh in the past) have a discussion with the older child apologizing that you made them live by a rule that you’re not asking of their younger sibling.

Catch them being good. Kids crave attention from you, and if they don’t get it for positive behavior, they’ll act up to get attention for negative behavior. Especially reward good sibling interactions.

  • Encourage them to work together – when we can all have a good day, we all get the reward.

Help each child have their own identity:

  • Your children don’t have to do all the same types of things. If your older child plays the violin, it doesn’t mean the second one has to play the cello. She could play soccer instead. Plan their activities separately so each can follow their own passions.
  • Don’t label your children. It’s tempting to say “he is our artist and she’s the math whiz.” But those labels limit them and block you from encouraging their development in all areas.
  • Don’t compare children to each other. (“Your brother always…”)

Help your kids find ways to release the day’s tensions by sharing them with you or each other rather than by taking them out on each other.

Accept that some conflict will happen, and let it happen. Don’t worry that “they’ll never get along.”

Managing conflict

When children fight, it gives us a chance to teach skills like self-calming, being assertive, expressing concerns with words, problem-solving, negotiating, taking turns, and so on.

When a battle begins, try not to jump in to solve everything immediately – see if they can figure it out. But do step in when things become hurtful. Set absolute limits that it’s never OK to hit, bite, kick, or be emotionally cruel.

Before disciplining either child, make sure you have the whole story. It’s easy to assume that the older one is at fault, or that the last one holding the stick is at fault. Stop and ask each child to share their perception of the situation. Often it’s appropriate to punish both kids. If only one is punished for something, ensure that the innocent party doesn’t gloat about it!

If there’s an object they’re consistently fighting over, you may find it’s easiest to just take it away from both of them for a toy timeout.

If the younger sibling ruins something the older one worked hard on, first offer sympathy: “It’s so hard when she wrecks your stuff!” Encourage him to share his anger with you. Then explain that the little one just doesn’t get it yet, and think about how to protect the next special creation from them.

If your child needs to vent about their sibling, let them. They can draw pictures, write, yell, whatever. They may say “I hate my brother.” Instead of scolding them, say “I know right now you’re hating your brother for what he did. I don’t think you hate him as a person, and I think soon you’ll have fun together again. But I get that you’re really mad right now.” Siblings don’t always have to like each other.

A final note about siblings

You may have one child that’s easier for you to like than the other– you have similar temperaments, similar interests – you just understand them better. Gender may also affect this. On good days, we just try to be fair and equitable. If you’re really struggling with a child at some point, enlisting another friend or family member who “gets” that child better may help you figure out some new approaches.

Parent educators: Here is a free printable handout about Sibling Relationships.

Recommended Source: Sibling Rivalry: http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sibriv.htm

photo credit: Ian D. Keating via photopin cc