Today I was listening to a webinar with Ming Fung from Agents of Speech. The topic was “Decoding the Real Signs of Speech Delays” and he was primarily talking about parent coaching for language delays.

But one of his messages gave me one of those a-ha moments you get when someone says something that should be obvious, but says it more clearly than you’ve thought of it before.

When you’re trying to teach your child any new skill and it’s just not working, you should ask yourself “is it that it’s too hard? Or that they don’t want to do it?”

If it’s too hard, that may mean you’re trying to move too far too fast, and simplifying things into next achievable step might be more successful. It is better to have small successes than fail at a big reach. Ross Greene says that often when we’re thinking “they don’t wanna do it”, it’s really that “they can’t do it… yet.” And that they need more skills, new resources, or more structural supports to be successful.

If they don’t want to do it, he says “make sure they’re fairly compensated.” If it’s just slightly hard or slightly annoying or whatever, it may need just a little motivation. If it’s a big stretch, it may need a big motivation. If your child has special interests, you could find a way to teach that skill within that interest. (When my youngest child was resisting learning to write and draw, we would ask him to write requests for treats, like “kiss” for a Hershey’s kiss or “Cheez-Its”, and he would draw if we would draw Star Wars characters that he could copy.) Or, if they have a big passion, you can use that as a motivator. (My oldest was very slow to potty train, and saying “here’s the dollhouse you want – it’s a big kid toy. As long as you can keep your underwear dry, you can play with it, but if you need to go back to pull-ups, that’s OK – we’ll put the dollhouse away for a little while till you’re ready to be a big kid.”) Don’t force the learning, but show them there is a value in learning this new skill.

Now, you don’t want to overdo rewards. There are downsides to rewards. But sometimes it is a way to move your child forward toward something you want them to learn.