Each September, as I begin a new parent-toddler class, one of our first parent education discussions is: “Your Unique Child: the Influence of Temperament, Gender, and Learning Styles on How you Parent Each Child.”

I start there, because I know that the parents in the class are looking around the room and comparing their child to the other children, and often wondering/worrying about whether their child is “behind” or if they are doing a good job as a parent.

I want them to realize that every child is a unique individual, parented by unique individuals, in unique settings. Although we should be aware of developmental milestones – the age at which the average child gains a skill, the reality is that there is huge variation in individuals.

Here are just some ideas to help you understand, and support, your unique child.

• Children are born with distinct personalities. It is absolutely worth consdering ideas like Temperament, Learning Style / Multiple Intelligences and Gender and Introvert / Extrovert to help us better understand them.
• However, we don’t want to “label” our children (as “the shy one” or “the wild one” or “the musician”) because that can them limit our expectations for them, which limits their ability to grow and develop into all that they are.
• There are not good or bad temperaments. But, there are goodness of fit, and badness of fit. A high activity child has “goodness of fit” on the playground, but not in the library. A very regular, routine-oriented child might “fit” well with a similar parent, but not so well with the free-spirited parent.
• It’s good to know your children’s strengths, so you can give them plenty of experiences that let them use those strengths to build their confidence.
• It’s also good to know what your child struggles with. On a good day, we may gently push their comfort zones to encourage growth in those areas. But, on a day when we’re tired and they’re tired, or we’re away from home, it may be easiest to adapt to their temperament accommodating how we need to in order to make it through the day. (So, our sensitive child may need a quiet day at home. Our active child may need a day running at the park. Our routines kid needs to bring routines from home wherever he goes.)

Lots more resources on temperament listed here.