Category Archives: Your Family

Young Children and Zoom

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a child looking at a mobile device

Prior to 2020, I don’t think the developers at Zoom (or Skype or Microsoft Teams) ever predicted that their teleconferencing and video chat software would become a platform for parent-toddler classes and online preschool!

Then during coronavirus, all the parents who used to try to minimize screen time for their young children found they needed to utilize it as their child’s primary way to connect to people outside their household. Even as we’ve moved past pandemic, it’s likely that online classes and conversations will continue to be a part of young children’s lives moving forward. (For example, Outschool offers thousands of online classes for children age 3 and up – here’s a review of Outschool.)

How do we make the experience as rich and as developmentally appropriate as we can?

These tips can be helpful whether you’re a parent planning a call between your child and their grandparent, or you’re a preschool teacher planning a class for 20 kids.

Before the Call

Choose a good time of day when the child is relaxed and attentive.

It doesn’t have to be a long call and a big deal – it’s fine to do short calls. A few minutes here and there is great for some kids. On the other hand, it’s also fine to have long calls. I know one family in Seattle where the grandmother in China “comes for breakfast” every day (before grandma turns in for the night.) She “sits at the table” with them, and chats with the children as the parents get ready for the day.

Before the call, gather anything you’ll want to use during the call: books, instruments, and show & tell items so that no one has to step away from the computer during the call – that might cause the child to lose interest.

Prepare the child. Talk about what will happen and how long the visit will be. Remind them who they will be speaking to and what they talked about last time.

Consider staying nearby. Young children may be best able to engage with a zoom call if they’re sitting on their parent’s lap or the parent is sitting beside them. (Note, some organizations, like Outschool, require that adults be off camera, but when I teach preschool age children online, I find that the children who do best in class often have an adult right next to them – I’ll see the parent’s arm reach in to help out. Once children have done several classes, they no longer need that active support, and you may be able to step away and get things done while they’re on a call.)

Teach them to un-mute. The host can mute the child, but not all systems allow the host to un-mute, so be sure the child knows how to un-mute. There are a few choices: if you have a touch screen, the easiest may be to teach them to tap the bottom corner of the screen to bring up the command bar, then tap on the mic icon. Other options: moving the mouse cursor to the bottom of the screen and clicking on the microphone (this can be hard for little ones), pressing alt-a, or holding down the space bar (note: as soon as they let go of the space bar they return to muted.)

Over time, help your child learn Zoom skills to be more independent in the call: how to mute, how to chat, how to use the reactions like clapping, how to share screen. How to place a call. Help them understand what’s happening when their screen buddy “freezes.”

During the Call

Have familiar rituals – perhaps the same greeting each time, or the same song each time – these cues help a young child to remember who they’re speaking to and reconnect.

The remote person should speak slowly and clearly. The person in the room with the child can repeat questions and comments from either side, as needed.

The remote person should look directly at the camera – this will feel like eye contact to the child. Don’t be tempted to look away at other distractions while talking. Use a lot of gestures, body language, and big facial expressions – it’s much more engaging.

Stay unmuted as much as possible so everyone in the call can hear each other and feel as though they’re in the same room.

Consider using a mobile device like a tablet or laptop so you can move around and show each other new things.

Some children focus better if eating a snack while talking – for others, that is distracting. Some children focus better if they have some simple toys nearby to hold in their hands and play with during the call. Others may find that distracting.

Let the child know when the call is nearing its end, and make a clear ending. (Maybe a song, or a story, or something to signal the ending.) Talk about when you’ll “meet” again.

Making Video Chats Interactive

Here are ideas for interactive activities to try out:

  • Play Peek a Boo. Normal style, or by covering the camera and uncovering it.
  • Read Stories. If you have a physical copy of a book, you can hold it up and read it. Or you can scan in pictures of the pages and share those as you read. Or find a YouTube of a read aloud book, but mute their video, and read along with your voice.
  • Sing Songs. With audio lag you can’t sing in unison or it sounds awful. But you CAN take turns singing.
  • Silly Faces. Take turns – who can make the silliest face? (Spotlight them.)
  • Pretend to Be – Take turns pretending to be different animals, or whatever.
  • What is My Stick? Hold up a stick. Demonstrate how it could be a fishing pole, or a baseball bat. Try a few more and ask them to guess what it is.
  • Use Props. Puppet shows can be fun!
  • Make Art Together. Get out art supplies on each end, and draw pictures together. Hold them up to the camera from time to time to share your work.
  • Show and Tell – each person brings an item to show to people and to talk about.
  • Play Guessing Games.
  • Share a travelogue – each person takes pictures of their day, and shares it with the other on the next call.
  • Dance Party. Put on some music and dance!! (Learn how to make music work well on Zoom.)
  • Talent Show – Take turns demonstrating special talents you have: telling jokes, crazy dances, singing songs, patting your head and rubbing your belly…
  • Progressive Stories. One person starts a story: “Once upon a time, a polka-dotted elephant…” then the next person continues “… boarded a spaceship headed for… “
  • Would you Rather? “would you rather ______ or _______”
  • I Spy: Do a google search for “I spy pictures.” Choose one, then share your screen and play I Spy together.
  • Play Simon Says.
  • Play Tic Tac Toe, Hangman, and other pencil and paper games on the Zoom whiteboard.
  • Guess How Many. Person A fills a container with objects (20 pennies? 30 mini marshmallows?) and shows it to Person B. They have to guess how many objects there are, then they count them together. On the next call it’s B’s turn.
  • Scavenger Hunt. Name an object – they run and find it in the house and bring it back.
  • Find the Hidden Object. The remote adult can conspire with the in-house adult. The in-house adult hides an object before the call. During the call, the remote adult can give clues to help the child find the treasure.
  • Pretend to Share Snacks. Plan ahead and have both of you have the same food to eat together. Make it a fancy tea party if you’d like.
  • Go on a walk “together” with mobile devices. Share what you see.
  • Go on a field trip “together.” Lots of zoos, aquariums, and museums have created virtual field trips or have “panda-cams” and such. Go on one together by sharing your screen and talking about what you see. You could also do virtual tourism together. My mother-in-law has found a whole world of “virtual walking tours” on YouTube and goes for walks all over the world every day in her living room.
  • Watch movies together. Share a screen and talk as you watch.
  • For older children (elementary on up), there’s lots more ideas here: https://janelledurham.com/games-interaction-on-zoom/.

I also like this suggestion from Zero to Three: “Be the “hands and heart” of the the person on-screen. When the screen partner “tickles” your baby’s tummy, give your child’s tummy a tickle, too. When a grandparent leans toward the screen to “kiss” your toddler, you can give him a kiss on the cheek. By taking this role, you help nurture the relationship between the child and their on-screen friend.”

Long Distance Babysitters

During the coronavirus stay-at-home time, many parents were with their children 24/7 for a long time with few breaks. You can use a video chat as a “babysitter” to get you a break. Have your child talk with grandpa, or an aunt, or a friend while you rest. If you have a very young child, you may need to be in the same room but at least the child’s attention is captured by someone else. For older children, you may be able to be elsewhere in the house, and let your child know where to find you. I know some parents of elementary age kids who will go for a walk in the neighborhood while their child is online – the remote adult has their cell phone number and can reach them immediately if needed.

Internet Safety

This blog is primarily aimed at parents of kids age 1 to 6, so I assume the parents are nearby during video calls, and keeping their eyes and ears on what is happening. If you have an older child who may be making video calls independently to friends, here are some helpful safety tips.

Audio Quality

If the person on the other end seems to have a hard time hearing you: Figure out whether you need to add an external microphone to make your child audible (especially if they’re speaking with an older person whose hearing isn’t what it used to be). Children tend to have quiet voices and may be hard to hear over a video chat if the internal mic on your device isn’t great. Plus they wiggle around a lot and don’t always stay near the mic. You can test your mic – use the “voice recorder” app on your computer and record your child talking, then play it back. If you can hear it with your speaker volume at any setting, it’s fine. But if you can only hear the recording if you crank your speakers up to 80 or 90 out of 100, then consider buying a mic. (Click for more tips about audio settings.)

Resources

If you’re teaching classes to young children, here’s a handout you can send to the parents about help your child succeed on Zoom.

Here are some of the sources I used when writing this.

While you may be a parent who minimizes screen time for your child, be reassured that, unlike passive screen time, video chat can be positive for a child’s development:  https://www.npr.org/sections/13.7/2016/10/03/496362094/could-video-chats-be-good-for-your-infant

Parenting Style – Offering Choices

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TL/DR summary: Giving a child choices (e.g. what to wear, what story to read) can help to build a positive relationship where the child feels valued, empowered, and learns decision-making skills while having fewer power struggles. But if we offer too many choices, the child may feel overwhelmed and the parent may feel out of control. Finding the right balance starts with the parent deciding which options are available (setting limits), then the child choosing between those workable options.

My post on Offering Choices to Children covers the nitty gritty of how to use this discipline tool. This post is more of a philosophical think piece about the long-term impact of how we handle choices in our families. (Note: in this post, I talk a lot about parenting styles. Learn more about the Four Parenting Styles.)

choices grid

Three Approaches to Offering Choices

Several times each day in the life of a parent and a child, there are decisions to be made: what to eat at a meal, what to wear, what to do, which story to read, and on and on. Some parents, who learn toward the authoritarian style of parenting make almost all the choices, telling their child what the required plan is. Some parents who lean toward the permissive style let their children make all the choices. Let’s look at the possible pitfalls of taking either of these approaches to an extreme, then let’s look a more balanced (authoritative) approach.

Giving Orders – The Parent Makes All the Choices

There may be lots of reasons some parents want to make all the decisions. Sometimes it’s just that a parent wants to be in full control (“it’s my way or the highway”), sometimes it just feels faster and easier to make all the decisions rather than waiting on your kid to decide, sometimes it is an parent who has very high expectations for the child and believes they know the best route to achieving those. This has been called Tiger Mom parenting style, named after Amy Chua’s book, in which she describes her choices such as requiring that her children play piano and violin and requiring them to practice, saying “To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences… Once a child starts to excel at something… he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun.”

This parenting style can work well for some parents and for some kids.

But, it can also backfire in a few ways.

  • Some children rebel against this – in the short term, that means lots of power struggles, and in the long-term it can damage the relationship with the parent.
  • Some children feel dis-empowered and discouraged, or some feel that their parent doesn’t care about them.
  • Children raised this way may not learn independent decision-making and initiative.

If you lean toward the more authoritarian style of parenting, it’s import to be aware of these potential pitfalls to help you to avoid them.

Giving In – Parents Let the Kids Make All the Decisions

This style of parenting could also be called permissive or laissez-faire. Dayna Martin, proponent of Radical Unschooling, says ““[This] includes trusting your child in what they choose to learn; you extend that same trust to other areas of your child’s life, like foods, media, television, bedtime. Parenting is supposed to be joyful, and it can be when we learn to connect with, rather than control, our children. The focus of our life is on happiness and pursuing our interests with reckless abandon together.”

Again, this can work well for some parent and for some kids. But, it can backfire.

  • Sometimes children make bad choices, especially if they are given free rein and not much guidance. Like wearing a swimming suit in the winter or eating so much chocolate they get sick. Then parents have to decide whether to let the child live with the consequences of that bad choice – “guess you’ll be cold” – which can be fair or can be cruel depending on how far you take that, or whether to rescue the child from the consequences to keep them happy – which may mean they never learn from their mistakes.
  • I have seen children who don’t do well in school or in peer relationships when they’ve been raised in a very permissive environment and don’t understand limits. The child who takes toys away from others any time she wants them and who eats all the cupcakes on the table will soon alienate their friends.
  • Having to make choices all the time can actually be exhausting and overwhelming for kids. Being asked to make too many choices all the time can lead to meltdowns for little ones. Having choices within limitations can be very calming. Imagine being thirsty and walking into a convenience store in a foreign country where you don’t recognize any of the packaging, and you can’t figure out which of forty options to choose. Wouldn’t it be so much easier and more pleasant if someone said “I know you like juice – here’s the grape juice, the apple juice, and an apple cranberry juice – which one would you prefer?” 
  • Another common backfire for permissive parenting is that the parents may start feeling like they’re out of control. Some parents just end up feeling frazzled all the time, feeling powerless, and not able to see any way to change how things are going with their kids. Other parents, when they start feeling out of control will hit a certain high stress point, then suddenly flip-flop from permissive to strict – going from “you can do whatever you want” to “I’m done, you’re grounded for a month.” This inconsistency is extremely stressful for kids, and can lead to a lot more anxiety in the future over making their own decisions.

Giving Choices – The Balanced Approach

I believe that for most families the optimal approach is the authoritative parenting style. The parent has high expectations for the child and wants them to be successful, so they set clear limits and ensure the child is choosing between options that can be healthy for them (e.g. good nutrition, clothing appropriate to the weather, doing their homework, practicing their chosen sport or instrument). But the parent is also highly responsive to the individual child – ensuring that there are options that the child will enjoy and giving some flexibility for the circumstances of the moment.

Ellyn Satter, author of Child of Mine and How to Get Your Kid to Eat: But Not Too Muchhas some important ideas about the division of responsibility in feeding. The parent is responsible for what, when, and where the child eats. The child is responsible for whether to eat, and how much. The parent puts healthy options on the table, the child makes the decision from there, and the parent can relax, knowing that any choices the child makes can work out OK.

I think a similar approach could apply to almost all decisions, from getting dressed, to choosing a bedtime story, to choosing extracurricular activities to choosing where to go to college and what to major in. The parent first evaluates the possible range of options, and decides what criteria would represent a good option. If they’re working with a young child, the parent might and offer only a limited number of viable options (2 options for a 2 year old, 3 for a 3 year old… “do you want the blue shirt or the red one?”) For an older child, they might say “you can choose amongst any of these options, but here’s our limitations and here’s our criteria. You can only choose things that fit those requirements.” (“It’s cold out today, so choose something warm to wear.”) The parents are the ones “setting the table” with options. The child then is empowered to make the choices within those limits.

I have always told my children “you may be as smart or smarter than I am, but I am wiser than you and will always be wiser than you because wisdom comes from life experience and seeing all the long-term impacts of choices.” So, when I tell them the criteria for a positive choice, that’s coming from all my wisdom. When I let them make the choice, I acknowledge their intelligence and give them decision-making practice for their future.

It’s worth acknowledging that authoritative parenting requires more effort from the parent than authoritarian or permissive parenting does. The authoritarian parent just has to say: here’s the rule – follow it or expect consequences. The permissive parent says: do what you want. The authoritative parent has to say: Here are the options, here’s information on the impact of your choices, let’s talk through how to make the best choice. It’s more work in the short term, but hopefully in the long term yields a child who is capable of making better decisions on their own.

When You…. I Feel… I Wish….

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conflict res

In Honest, Direct, Respectful: Three Simple Words that will Change your Life, Dennis Adams describes a three step process for communicating your needs to others. This can be used in times of conflict to share your feelings and work toward a mutual resolution.

  1. Identify the behavior: “When you….”  The more concrete and specific you can be, the better.
  2. Identify the feeling: “I feel…” and then state the emotion (e.g. “I feel sad…” or angry… or disappointed.) Be careful not to say “I feel like….” because then you may be tempted to say “I feel like you are ignoring me” which is your interpretation of their intent, it is not how you feel because of their behavior.
  3. Identify something you want, wish, or wonder. You might use “I want” with someone you supervise – a child or employee – to tell them what action you want (and expect) them to take. “I wonder” is a continuation of your feeling statement: “I wonder if you notice what I do for you?” And “I wish” says what you want, without telling them that they have to do it for you.

Imagine if you said, in frustration: “You never pick up around the house. I always have to do all the work.” That would likely put your partner on the defensive, and it’s easy to get into a battle of one-up-manship where you both pull out all your martyr cards about how hard you work and how unappreciated you are. Instead, try:

“When you leave your piles of clean laundry in the TV room, I feel stressed that our house doesn’t feel like someplace I can relax. I wish the house was tidier so we could both enjoy our time here together.”

This re-frames the situation to you working together as allies toward a mutual goal.

Let’s look at a few more examples.

Instead of “You don’t care about this project – you never even respond to my emails!”, try “When you don’t respond to my emails, I feel frustrated, and I wonder whether you really want to work on this project with me.”

Instead of “You need to get your act together and be on time”, try “When you’re late to meet me, I feel unloved, and I also feel frustrated that I’m wasting time waiting for you. I wish you could be on time or let me know when you’re running late.”

Instead of “You’re so rude to people! Why are you such a jerk?”, try “When you interrupted her when she was speaking, I felt really uncomfortable. I wonder if you realize that could seem disrespectful to her?”

Instead of saying to your child “I’ve told you 1000 times not to leave your shoes all over the house”, try “When you leave your shoes all over the house, I feel frustrated. When we ran late to school three days this week because you couldn’t find the shoes you wanted, I felt mad. I want you to always take your shoes off and put them on the shelf as soon as we get home, so we can easily find them when you need them.”

This model is reminiscent of Marshall Rosenberg, and his model of Non-Violent Communication. I’ve written a handout on using a variant of his model to Communicating what You Really Need.

Test it out this week – it’s an easy method you can use with your kids, partner, co-workers, or anyone you’re feeling in conflict with.

Click here for a free downloadable worksheet on using this Conflict Resolution tool.

To see all my posts on relationship skills, click here.

Consignment Shops and Second Hand Items

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photo of clothing purchased at consignment shop

Second hand sales are a fabulous resource for parents. They offer clothes, kid equipment (like cribs, strollers and baby carriers), kids’ books and toys that are lightly used for a fraction of their original cost. Over 29 years of parenting, almost all my kids’ clothes have come from consignment shops. I like them not just for the cost savings, but because it’s better for the environment, more efficient for me, and helps me be a more relaxed parent.
There are lots of options for second hand items, including consignment shops, thrift stores, and online exchanges, so I include tips below for each.

Why buy used?

Save Money

Here’s what I bought in June 2022 at at a local consignment shop (Small Threads in Kirkland): a dress shirt, three polos, three t-shirts, two pairs of shorts, and a pair of pants for $72.56. (Disclaimer – my 11 year old chose the pug t-shirt, not me! But it was cheap enough that I could say yes to his whim.) They’re all used, of course, but in fine shape.

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Brands I saw at the shop included: Abercrombie Kids, Gap, Old Navy, Gymboree, Oshkosh, Carter’s, Eddie Bauer, Lands’ End Janie & Jack, Tommy Hilfiger, Calvin Klein. At my local consignment shops, the prices are typically $3.00 – 10.00 per item for children’s pants and shirts. Cost savings is similar on coats, shoes, toys, and more. (At thrift stores, the cost might range $2 – 5.)

Pre-Vetted for Durability

I find that children’s clothes range a great deal in quality. Some will last through many children and countless washes, and others look awful after their first time through the laundry – they get “pills” all over them, or their colors run, or they have knees that tear out at the first tumble, or  collars or cuffs that get all squashed up never to go flat again. At a consignment store, everything is still in good shape after being used, so I know my kid can’t do much worse to them.

The photo at the top of this post is what I bought a couple years ago at Small Threads in Issaquah, WA. I got 6 shirts, and four pairs of pants for $36.23. All of them were in his regular rotation until he outgrew them and we passed them on to the next owner.

Children’s toys have a similar pattern – some are junk that break after one use. If it lasted long enough to be at a consignment shop, you know it’s likely to survive your child’s use. (Note: second hand toys are sometimes missing something from the original set… if that’s a set of six dolls that’s missing one, that’s probably OK. If it’s a puzzle that’s missing some pieces, that can be disappointing for some kids.)

Better for the Environment

Most kids’ clothes are made from cotton. Cotton is terrible for the environment – it takes about 2500 liters of water – 660 gallons – to produce enough cotton for one shirt! Cotton is just 2.4% of the world’s crops, but of the pesticides used on the planet each year, 16% are used in the production of cotton. Let’s get as much use as we can out of every cotton shirt! For toys, we are producing a HUGE amount of plastic toys every day. For most of them, a child is done playing with them long before they show any signs of wear and tear, so it’s great if they can be passed on to new users instead of the landfill.

More Efficient Shopping Experience

I don’t enjoy shopping. I especially don’t enjoy shopping when I have to take a small child with me to the store! As a working mom, I have limited time, and there’s other things I’d far rather do with it. If I walk into a kids’ clothing store, they have one rack that has a couple styles of shirt, then I walk to another rack with a couple more and another rack with a couple more. If I walk all around the store, they might have a dozen different shirt styles. And they might not all be available in a size 6. If I want more options, I have to walk through the mall till the next viable store.

At the consignment shop, I can walk to the size 6 boys rack, and flip through about 40 different shirts and 30 pairs of pants, all in size 6. I am able to pick out 6 shirts and 4 pants in about 15 minutes. (And unlike mall clothing stores, most consignment shops have some consignment toys stationed around the clothing racks so kids can play while their parent shops.)

Makes me a Better Parent

I still remember 20-some years ago, when I bought my kids two really special matching outfits from Gymboree for a portrait session that were pretty pricey for my budget at the time. Even after the photos were taken, I was protective of those clothes… my preschooler and toddler really wanted to wear them but when they did, I’d spend the day saying “no, you can’t play with that, it’s too messy” and “no, you can’t eat / drink that – I don’t want you to spill it on your clothes.” I didn’t like being that fretful parent.

When my kids wear cheap consignment clothes, I’m a relaxed parent. I let them finger-paint, play in the mud, eat nachos, and more. I don’t worry about stains and just let them be kids.

  • Stain tip: There’s a lot of good stain removers out there – I personally find Shout works great for us. But here’s the key with stains… never ever put stained clothes in a dryer. The heat will set the stain forever!! So, I spray a stain – wash it. If the stain didn’t come out, I spray it again and wash it again the next time I do laundry. It doesn’t go in the dryer till the stain is gone. It’s very rare when I end up with a permanent stain.

The Sell them Back option

I donate my kids’ clothes and their toys when we’re done with them or I give them away on my Buy Nothing group. However, you can re-sell them to someone else by bringing them back to the consignment shop. You can get cash for the these items, or you can get a larger payment with store credit that you then roll into supplies for the next age group. Here’s tips on how to make money selling consignment, and more tips.

What about Teenagers?

My oldest child wasn’t that picky about clothes and was happy to wear whatever appeared in the drawer. But my second child was very picky about her clothes. By the time she was about 12, she was doing all her own shopping. I would give her a budget at the start of the school year, and she could decide how to spend it. Usually I’d talk her into consignment stores. But one year, she decided she really wanted the brand new designer pants. So she blew her whole budget on one new pair of pants, and otherwise had to wear all the clothes she already owned, whether or not they fit her current style. In all the future years, she’d go to consignment shops, and buy 6 – 8 new items – mostly by the designers she’d want to wear – but for a fraction of what they would have cost new.

What is a second hand seller?

There are multiple types of second-hand sellers that sell used items. They include:

Consignment stores / pawn shops.

    • In a consignment shop, people have asked the shop to sell their stuff for them – if it sells, the store gets part of the money and gives the other part to the seller. If it doesn’t sell in a set amount of time, they ask the seller to pick it up. Most towns have a consignment shop – search online. Some are huge with lots of stock, some are small and you’re less likely to find what you need.
    • In a pawn shop model, the seller brings items to the store – the store buys what they want – if they think they can re-sell an item for $10, they’ll give the seller $5. Half Price Books and Plato’s Closet follow a pawn shop model. (Learn the difference between these models from the seller’s point of view.)

Everything in a consignment shop had to meet the shop’s standards for quality, so in general, it’s all in quite good shape and fashionable. (I’ve seen Plato’s Closet reject half to two thirds of the items sellers bring in, taking only the very best.)

Pop-Up Events and Thrift

Pop-Up / Short Term Events, like Garage sales, yard sales, swap meets, flea markets – where people sell their own stuff or other folks’ stuff for a couple days in the yard or at a swap meet. (Just Between Friends is a nationwide group that does huge events full of kids’ clothes. They can be a bit of a zoo, but people get lots of good stuff there.) You can get really good deals on stuff and you can find treasures – wacky delights you didn’t even know you were looking for till you found them. On the other hand, you can find a lot of junk you have no desire to own. Personally, the only time I garage saled was when it was a lovely sunny day in spring and I wasn’t quite ready to go home but didn’t have any ideas for what to do with my kids. We’d see a garage sale and go off on a quest to see what we’d find. Never anything substantial, but a fun little diversion.

Thrift shops (“Goodwills”) – where all the goods they sell were donated to them. Anything that’s deemed “acceptable” is out on the shelves, so that means there’s a wide range of quality. There might be a barely worn Gap sweater from this year’s line next to an almost worn-out t-shirt from an 5k run that happened a decade ago. If you’re willing to sort through a lot of junk, you can get some good deals. Note: some thrift shops donate all their proceeds to a charity, but some (like our local Value Village) are for-profit businesses.

Online

Craig’s List / ebay / Vinted / classifieds / Facebook marketplace – people list specific items that you can search for. Helpful if you know exactly what you’re looking for. My son outgrew his favorite pair of shoes, and the company no longer made them, but we found a new pair in a larger size on ebay.

Buy Nothing Groups: The Buy Nothing Project has created a huge network of Facebook-based local groups where folks who have things to give away post them to the group and where others ask for what they need. On my Buy Nothing group at this moment, people are giving away: an unused case for an iPhone 6, a bicycle seat, a glass-topped end table, a bag of size 3T boys’ clothes, company for evening walks on a local trail for other women who don’t feel comfortable walking alone, size 9 heels from 9 West, wood toddler toys, and so on. And there’s someone who’s due in a month who is asking for a crib, crib sheets, and a stroller. It’s pretty hit or miss what’s posted, but you may luck out. And if you have stuff to give away, it’s nice to give directly to a neighbor rather than donating to a thrift shop.

Tips for second hand shopping

  • The nicer the neighborhood – the better the used goods. At a garage sale in some parts of town, you’ll find things from Target and Walmart that the sellers are trying to eke as much money out of selling as they can. In another part of town, you’ll find items from Pottery Barn and Williams and Sonoma that they’re willing to sell for any amount you feel like offering.
  • Inspect items thoroughly before buying, especially at thrift shops. Look for the subtle holes or small stains that a quick inspection wouldn’t have picked up.
  • Be careful of recalls and hazards. In a used goods sale, you might find items that have hazards such as lead paint, or safety recalls. Here’s more info on safety and second hand items. And here is a guide to assessing the safety of second hand sporting goods.
  • Don’t buy stuff just because it’s cheap. A lot of people get really excited about “look at this doo-hickey that sells for $50 in a store and I got it for $5!!” And in that excitement they don’t stop to think about whether they really need a doo-hickey and are now stuck with it. (Note: lots of parents find that they have so many toys that it’s overwhelming for them – and we know kids don’t learn well in environments that are too cluttered – read here for tips on How Much is Enough – How Much is Too Much.)

If you’re looking for money saving ideas for parents, you may also be interested in my series Cheap Dates with Toddlers which offers lots of free and cheap ideas for what to do with little ones.

Better You Than YouTube – Having the Hard Conversations with Your Kids

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Every parent probably has one (or more) topics that they dread having to talk to their kids about. Are you wondering how (or if) to begin talking to your child about any of these topics:

  • Sex?
  • Sexual Abuse?
  • Drugs?
  • Alcohol?
  • Terrorism?
  • War?
  • Death?
  • Racism?
  • Differences and Discrimination?
  • When Bad Things Happen to Good People?

You may feel like your child is too young, or it’s too early to have those conversations. But, it’s easy to put them off till it’s too late.

Your child will be exposed to all these things, and more. Whether that exposure comes from things happening on their own lives (like the death of a pet), or in the lives of their friends and classmates (a divorce), or in their community (a fire), or from over-hearing the news or peering over your shoulder as you read Facebook, or from stumbling upon really startling videos on the internet. They will learn about them all, often younger than you might think.

And, with their limited life experience, when they do run across challenging concepts, they can be overwhelmed, or frightened, or confused. They can also get information that is incorrect, counter to your values, or potentially harmful.

It is far better for you to talk to your kids about these things in advance, in developmentally appropriate ways, a little bit at a time.

Why You?

You are your child’s first, and most important, teacher.
You are in a unique position for teaching them, because:

You have opportunities: You are the most likely to be with them in those early “teachable” moments when questions and issues present themselves. By timing it right, you can make sure the information is received. This is better than hoping that on the one day they talk about the topic at school your kid is open to hearing about it, and not distracted by other things.

You know your child: their learning style and their current knowledge. This allows you to perfectly tailor the information you give them, so it makes sense in the current context of their lives, and is tied to their life experiences.

You shape their values: As you teach information about these topics, your words and your actions also communicate your family’s values. You might explain that other people might think differently, but this is what your family values and why.

You can be a lifelong resource: If they know you’re open to talking about difficult topics, they also know you’re available to help them any time they’re facing challenges related to them.

What You Might Worry About

  • Not knowing the right words, getting embarrassed, stumbling along awkwardly.
    • What you can do: Do the best you can. Acknowledge that it’s awkward and you’re trying to get it right because this is an important topic. (It can also help to rehearse in advance. Can you get to a point where you are as comfortable saying vagina as you are saying shoulder? Could you be as comfortable talking about “when grandma died” as you are talking about “when you were born”?)
  • Not knowing the right answers.
    • Answer the best you can, tell them you’ll learn more, and follow up on that promise.
  • Giving too much or too little information.
    • Start by asking your child what they already know. Use their answers to help you set the right level. Listen to their questions or watch non-verbal cues to signal you when they’ve had enough. When they’re ready to move on to another topic, let them. You’ll have plenty of other times in their life you can come back to this.
  • Talking about hard topics might make your child sad or scared.
    • Yes, it might. But talking openly and honestly about sad and scary things in advance can help your child work through some of those feelings and build some skills in advance. For example, the death of a  pet or loved one will make a child sad… having talked before that time about death, and having talked about grief in advance may make it seem more manageable.
    • It’s actually more scary if we refuse to talk about it. The child thinks “if this is too scary for Mom or Dad, then it must be really awful!”
    • (Now… we will talk about these topics gently – don’t talk about them in ways that exacerbate their sadness or build their fears.)
  • They’ll “do it” because we talked about it.
    • Research actually shows that children are less likely to engage in risky behaviors if they are able to talk to a trusted adult. And if they do engage in behaviors, such as sex or underage drinking, they’re more likely to know about, and use, skills to keep them as safe as possible in that context, such as birth control and STI prevention and knowing who to call so they don’t ride in a car with a friend who’s been drinking.

When to Talk About Things

Don’t try to do any of these topics all in one big conversation… don’t feel like you need to have “The Talk.” Look for all the little opportunities in everyday life.

For preschool to early elementary children, these are itty-bitty bite-sized conversations. Often just a sentence or two. Here are a few examples:

You talk to your child about making healthy decisions when telling them they need to choose healthy foods or brush their teeth. That could be an entry point for talking about how some people make decisions that are bad for their body (e.g. smoking).

When giving medications for an illness, you have an easy opportunity to talk about only using medications that are prescribed for you, and never taking anything you find or another kid gives to you.

When you want to order a glass of wine at dinner, and you ask your partner if they can be responsible for driving home, you’re modeling responsible alcohol use. You also talk to your child about how alcohol is something that only grown-ups can drink.

When getting changed in the locker room after swimming, you can discuss private parts and how we generally keep them covered and other people shouldn’t touch them or take pictures of them.

When you remind your child to tuck the tablet in a bag rather than leaving it out on the car seat where anyone can see it, it’s a place to gently introduce crime and steps we take toward prevention.

When you ask if it’s OK to hug them, or teach them to ask their friends if it’s OK to give them a hug, you’re modeling consent and respect for boundaries.

Nature presents us with all sorts of opportunities. Once on the walk to kindergarten, my son and I saw a dead squirrel. It didn’t appear injured, so it wasn’t gory… it just looked asleep. This led to discussions about death versus sleep versus life and all sorts of thoughts related to that.

When your child overhears news about gun violence, or a hurricane or an earthquake, talk about it. (When talking about scary things, I don’t talk a lot about the really scary parts. I instead focus on “how likely is it that this scary thing would happen to you? What can we do to prevent it? If it happened, what would we do? Who will help to protect you?” You want to help them not feel totally powerless.)

When you’re reading a book to your child, or watching a movie with them, and difficult issues come up, take time to talk it over and debrief what you saw: what happened? How did the character feel? What did they do? What could you do in that situation? (I also discuss this where I address Emotional Literacy.)

When your child shouts out something like “Look, that lady only has one leg“, talk about differences. Jacob Tobia notes “Beneath every observation of difference is an implied question about whether or not that difference is acceptable…. Try answering the question they’re really asking… you could say ‘Yes, Johnny, sometimes boys do wear lipstick and that’s perfectly okay.'”

When your child says “one of the kids at school says…..”, that’s a great time to address it. If their peers are talking about it, you should be too! Be sure to correct any misconceptions they might have picked up.

When your child tells you about something problematic that they have done, try to listen to the whole story before you freak out. You want your child to feel safe talking to you about problems. (Now, I’m not saying you wouldn’t impose consequences for bad behavior, but try to first calmly listen to them and also to talk out the reasons for your response.)

Respond to Questions

Often, your child creates a teaching opportunity by asking you a question. It’s important to figure out why they’re asking: Do they want information? Are they asking your permission to do something? Are they testing you to see if you’re approachable and trustworthy? Are they asking for help? Are they anxious about something?

I really appreciate this checklist from Advocates for Youth about responding to a child’s questions:

  1. “Remember that if someone is old enough to ask, she/he is old enough to hear the correct answer and to learn the correct word(s).
  2. Be sure you understand what a young child is asking. Check back. For example, you might say, ‘I’m not certain that I understand exactly what you are asking. Are you asking if it’s okay to do this or why people do this?’ What you don’t want is to launch into a long explanation that doesn’t answer the child’s question.
  3. Answer the question when it is asked. It is usually better to risk embarrassing a few adults (at the supermarket, for example) than to embarrass your child or to waste a teachable moment. Besides, your child would usually prefer it if you answer right then and softly. If you cannot answer at the time, assure the child that you are glad he/she asked and set a time when you will answer fully. ‘I’m glad you asked that. Let’s talk about it on the way home.’
  4. Answer slightly above the level you think your child will understand, both because you may be underestimating him/her and because it will create an opening for future questions. But, don’t forget that you are talking with a young child. …
  5. Remember that, even with young children, you must set limits. You can refuse to answer personal questions. …Also, make sure your child understands the difference between values and standards relating to his/her question. For example, if a child asks whether it is bad to masturbate, you could say, ‘Masturbation is not bad; however, we never masturbate in public. It is a private behavior.’ [values versus standards] You should also warn your child that other adults may have different values about this subject…”

Being an Askable Parent

Within sexuality education, there’s the concept of being “an askable parent” and I think these ideas apply to all the difficult topics. It’s all about creating an environment where your child knows that they can come to you with questions, rather than turning to their peers or the internet.

Here are the qualities of an askable parent:

  • Shows respect for the child
  • Approachable. Listens to the child.
  • Provides factual information, and is willing to look for information if they don’t already know it.
  • Doesn’t laugh at the child, even if questions seem cute or seem stupid.
  • Doesn’t need to be perfect – can admit to their own past mistakes when they didn’t know better.
  • Can be embarrassed or awkward about questions the child has asked – acknowledges their discomfort, then does the best they can to answer the question
  • Respects confidentiality. Does not broadcast child’s questions on social media.
  • Having a sense of humor helps.

(Additional Sources: I Wanna Know, Options for Sexual Health, Family Resources)

Launching

During their life, your child will be making many difficult decisions. You want to have armed them with information and taught them decision making skills, but you also want them to know that you’re available as a resource to them! One message you may wish to give: Whatever decisions they make, or whatever mistakes they make, you will always love them. (Being a “high expectations / highly responsive” mom in my parenting style, I have told my children that “I might be disappointed in some choices you might make if I think you could have done better, but I will still love you.”)

The ultimate goal is for your child to respond to life challenges using the values that you have instilled in them to come to healthy and responsible decisions, even if you’re not by their side to guide them.

Resources

Here are several resources, some of which I wrote, and some that I found online, to help get you started with each of these difficult topics.

Note: The resources I have written, or chosen, reflect my personal values. If you find that they don’t align with your values, please don’t choose just not to talk to your child about that topic. Instead, seek out other resources. You might ask your family, friends, child’s teachers, or church leaders to help point you to other options.

The resources I have written, or chosen, also reflect my life experience, and the community in which I live with my children and my students. I live in a privileged situation as a white, educated, straight parent in a low crime, high income, politically liberal community. Although I try to remain aware of other circumstances, I know that my perceptions of what is reasonable and appropriate to do is influenced by that situation. You may find that what you need to do with your child is very different than what I recommend. You are always the best judge of what is appropriate for your child.