Two tools in your discipline toolbox are natural consequences, and logical consequences.

Natural Consequences

A natural consequence is what will happen if the child keeps doing what they are doing, and an adult does not intervene. Often, we rescue them by stopping a behavior just before natural consequences happen. But, sometimes we can let it play out and let a child live with the consequences of their actions.

If you’re going to let a mistake play out, it’s only fair to warn the child about the possible problem with an “If / Then”. We, as adults, might be able to foresee consequences. But a child may not realize what could happen. So warn them, and if they’re wise, they’ll stop. If not, they’ll have a natural consequence.

• “If you pull the cat’s tail, then the cat will probably scratch you.”
• “If you play with that toy that roughly, then it may break, and I won’t buy you a new one.”
• “If you don’t eat any lunch, then you will be hungry during the movie.”
• “If you don’t bring your comic book inside, then it may get ruined by rain.”
• “If you do that, you might spill. Then you’d have to clean it up, and I won’t give you more juice.”

Natural consequences are best used when the results of the mistake will be a little painful so a lesson is learned, but not too painful. For example, if the child might break a cheap toy, you might not intervene, but if they’re about to break your laptop, you should stop them! If they might get a minor bump or a bruise, you might let that play through, but if they’re risking a broken bone, you will stop them.

When they experience a natural consequence, they are likely to be sad or mad. You can sympathize with the emotion without fixing the situation. “I know you’re sad about your toy. I’m sad that it’s broken too.”

Logical consequences

Logical consequences are actively imposed by the parent for misbehavior.

When entering a new situation, it’s the parent’s job to make sure the child knows what to expect, and what’s expected of them. We teach them how to be good. If they start a mild misbehavior, we might start correcting that by telling them what TO DO instead. But, if the misbehavior is getting worse, a consequence may be appropriate.

Generally*, you will give an “if / then” warning to let them know what’s coming so they have a chance to change behavior and avoid the consequence. Some examples, sorted into categories:

• Removing the child from a situation where there’s an issue:
  • “If you run near the parking lot, then we’ll have to leave the playground.”
  • “If you knock the books off the library shelf, we’ll go home instead of going to story time.”
  • “If you are loud in the restaurant, then we won’t be able to stay to have dessert.”
• Removing the problem item from them:
  • “If you don’t put away your toys, I will put them away and you won’t be able to play with them tomorrow.”
  • “If you two can’t share that toy nicely, then I will put it away for the rest of the play date.”
  • “If you knock your plate on the ground, then lunch is over and I won’t get you more food till afternoon snack time.”
• Removing a privilege
  • “If you don’t finish your homework tonight, then no screen time tomorrow.”
  • “Since you hurt your friend, I can’t let you play tag anymore.”
  • “If you don’t put all your laundry in the basket, then no cookie at dinner.”
• Requiring the child to do something to repair a situation.
  • “If you spill the water, you will have to clean it up.”
  • “If you break that, you’ll have to use your allowance to buy a new one.”
  • “If you don’t help put away toys now, you’ll need to help me with the laundry later.”

Make sure:

• the consequence is developmentally appropriate
  • For a toddler, it has to be immediate and short term – if they start throwing blocks, you immediately pick them up and take them away from the blocks. Then you help them find a new activity to do. A few minutes later, they might wander back to the blocks and play with them appropriately.
  • For a preschooler, the consequence should still follow closely after the behavior but can last a little longer. If they are playing in a way that could break a toy, you take it away right away, and say “I’ll keep this safe till tomorrow, then we can try again.”
  • For an older child, the consequence can be more delayed and last longer. For a teenager, it could even be something like: “if you don’t do well on fall semester grades, then I won’t let you try out for the spring musical.”
• the consequence is in proportion to how bad the behavior was
  • If a child spilled juice, you wouldn’t say “no drinks at the next five meals.” But you could say “no more juice today. If you are thirsty, you can have water.”
  • If a child failed to put away toys one time, you wouldn’t throw away all the toys. But the toys could “take a break” for a day or two.
• you choose a consequence you can and will follow through on enforcing
  • Kids need to know they can trust their parents to keep their promises. That includes being consistent when applying consequences. Don’t go easy on the consequences and back down… if you do this once, they’ll try to beg you down on the next several times.
  • No empty threats. When you tell your child “if you don’t come right now, I’m leaving you here at the store and not coming back.” They know that’s not true. (And if they thought it was true, that would be very scary for them.)
• you carry it out calmly, not with anger and shaming – consequences are not about punishing your child or making them “really regret” their choices – they’re about learning that their choices have impact and helping them learn the importance of better choices in the future.
• as I said above*, generally you want to warn before imposing a consequence, so they have a chance to make a better choice. However, if they are hurting someone or something, there’s not a warning – it’s an immediate consequence. “You bit your friend. We are leaving the park now.” At a family meeting, when all is calmed down, you can discuss your rules with your child and establish in advance what behavior you consider unacceptable that will always warrant an immediate consequence.

For lots more on discipline, read The Discipline Toolbox, and follow the links in that post to find lots more tips.

Here is a printable handout on Consequences and Time Out. Find more handouts on my Resources for Parent Educators page.