Tag Archives: death of a pet

Preparing a Child for a Death

1 Reply

Note: I have a more general post on talking to children about the concept of death that I would recommend for most readers. This particular post is much more specific than that – it is focused on how to talk to a very young child (age 2 to 5) about the impending / expected death of a parent (or a grandparent.other adult who is very involved in the child’s day to day life.) It may be relevant as someone is nearing end of life or has been placed in hospice care.

First, I want to acknowledge that this is a very heartbreaking thing to have to talk about. For you, as the adult who is in the midst of this difficult situation and will have these sad conversations with the child – this is hard emotional work, and I encourage you to seek out support for yourself as well and to do the self-care that nourishes you through these hard times.

But, although it is challenging, I think it is important to have these conversations. To be honest with children about the realities of the upcoming loss. Trying to shield the child from anticipatory grief will only make it harder for them when the loss happens and the full grief becomes a part of their life. Talking about it now allows them to begin to process it, and allows you to create meaningful and loving moments with them as you begin with saying goodbyes.

Let’s look at what a child this age is capable of understanding, and some key ideas to talk with them about.

Explaining Death to a Young Child

Before talking about the upcoming loss of a child’s loved one, it’s best to start by making sure they have an understanding of what death is.

Explain what death is in very concrete ways – this is not the time for flowery metaphors like “go to a better place.” Instead, share these ideas:

  • Death is the cessation of life functions. Use simple terms and examples from their life experience. “Do you remember when your pea plant died, and it stopped growing and started to shrivel up?” “Do you remember when we saw that dead squirrel in the park? They looked like they were sleeping, but their heart had stopped, and their brain didn’t work anymore.”
  • Death is permanent. Once something has died, it will not come back to life. If someone we love dies, we won’t see them again.
  • Everything that is alive will someday die. Some things / beings live a very long time, and others live for a short time. Sometimes death happens suddenly, sometimes someone is sick for a long time before dying.
  • Death is caused by physical reasons. Describe in a simple, non-graphic way what can cause a death.
  • Even though someone may not be alive any more, we can always hold them in our memories.

For a preschooler, age 2.5 – 5: Even if you clearly explain what death is, they may not be able to grasp what you mean. Permanence is hard to understand. They may believe death is temporary and reversible, and may ask things like “but when will they come back?”

Teachable Moments

I often recommend that parents wait for teachable moments to talk about death. For example, if a child sees a dead bug on the window sill, or an animal that was hit by a car, or they hear that a friend’s pet died. Those are times a parent can introduce the topic. Or any time a child asks about death, calm, matter-of-fact answers are helpful. You can take advantage of these same moments. But, if you, or a close family member, is facing the end of life soon, you may feel the matter is too urgent to wait for teachable moments to appear, and may intentionally bring it up through conversations, or pretend play / storytelling, or through media.

Books and Shows

Media offers an entry way into the topic. Here are several recommendations for books about death and grief: https://imaginationsoup.net/childrens-picture-books-grief-death/; https://www.familyeducation.com/videos/12-childrens-books-help-explain-tragedies-death; https://pjlibrary.org/blog/january-2017/childrens-books-about-death. Examples include the Memory Tree by Teckentrup (video), What Happens When a Loved One Dies by Jillian Roberts. (Video)

There are many shows and movies where a character dies that you could use to introduce the subject. Two that I know of that are focused on helping a child understand death are the Mr. Roger’s goldfish episode and the Daniel Tiger episode.

If you have some time (days or weeks) to prepare, you could gradually sneak little conversations about death in and around all the normal toddler and preschool daily activities – don’t force it and don’t talk about only this… trust that you can gradually bring these conversations in.

Talking about their Loved One

Once a child has a basic understanding of what death means, it is time to begin the conversation about the loved one who is nearing end of life. Much of the info here comes from these helpful resources: Preparing a Child for [a Death] from the American Cancer Society, Sue Ryder’s articles on Telling a Child Someone is Dying and Supporting a Child…, How to Talk with Children about Serious Illness and Death from Hospice of Red River Valley, and Supporting Children… when a family member has an advanced serious illness.

Be Specific about What’s Happening

If we use vague euphemisms, it’s confusing. Saying “mommy is sick” or “grandma went to sleep” or “daddy is going to go away soon” can cause a child to worry that the next time anyone gets sick in any way, or goes to sleep, they too will die, or any time any one leaves the room or the house, they might not come back. (This video talks more about how it’s helpful to use the word death instead of euphemisms.)

So, be clear about what disease is happening (e.g. cancer), what you might guess the timeline will be and what to expect. (As much as you can guess.) You don’t want to overwhelm them with details, but do give an honest overview.

An extremely important thing to address is who will care for them. Reassure them that they will be OK, and all their needs will still be tended to.

Having this conversation will be hard for you. You may cry. It’s OK. You can be honest with your child about how you are feeling. (Do be sure to get lots of support elsewhere so your child does not feel like they have to help you feel better.) But it’s OK for them to see your feelings.

How They May React

When you tell them, they might be very upset. Or they may have very little reaction. It may just be too hard for them to really grasp the meaning of the situation.

Even if your child won’t talk about it, they may play this out – you might see pretend play scenarios involving hospitalization, death, and dinosaur attacks and more. This is a normal part of them making sense of it all.

They may have times they worry a lot about it, there will be many more times where they seem to have no awareness of it and are just focused on being happy toddlers / preschoolers. This video is very helpful for understanding how this is developmentally normal.

Even if they aren’t voicing any concerns related to the illness, they may show some of these behaviors: regression (e.g. needing diapers again after having been potty trained, or thumb sucking after they had stopped), clinging, sleep disturbances, separation anxiety, or fear of the dark. You might see anger and temper tantrums. It is fine to give them extra support and be a little more relaxed about “the rules” but don’t go too far into total permissiveness. Having the old familiar routines and rules is actually reassuring to children and helps give them security that although there will be some huge changes, other things will stay the same.

There are a lot of things in any child’s life that are out of their control, and especially for your child in this moment. Giving them choices anywhere you can (like what clothes to wear or what to eat for breakfast) can help them to feel more powerful.

It might also be helpful to give them “jobs” they can do to help out, even if it’s as simple as bringing a cup of water or snack to the ill person, or helping to fluff their pillow. Feeling like they can make a difference for the person they love is empowering to a small child.

When to Have the Conversation

With an older child, like an elementary age or middle school child, a parent would be able to plan this out – plan a quiet time for a long uninterrupted conversation in a private place for a single focused conversation. The reality of small children and attention spans and how much they can take in at a time means that you just have to be on the lookout for an opening… when you have a moment where things are quiet and neither they or you are tired, stressed or hungry, there may be a chance to start the conversation. While you have their interest and engagement, keep going. But watch their cues. When they wander away, or disengage, or start pushing the conversation away, let it go. You can talk some more some other day.

Don’t put off the conversation waiting for the perfect moment to get it right. There is no perfect moment. The important part is to start the conversation, don’t avoid it.

And know that this is not a one and done conversation. Your child may continue to bring it up off and on, and ask questions, and ask to be told again something you think you’ve told them several times. This is part of the process of them taking in and understanding the information.

Answering their Questions / Concerns

Some common questions come up for kids. Listen for them, or even if they don’t voice these questions, you may want to talk about these issues proactively.

  • “Is it my fault?” Kids are naturally very self-centered. They may wonder/worry that they caused the illness because they were mad, or bad, or whatever. They need to be reassured that it’s not their fault.
  • “Are you leaving because you don’t love me?” Reassure them this is not the case!
  • “Will _____ die too?” If one loved one is dying, they might worry that others will too. I don’t ever promise that won’t happen, because none of us can promise that. But I do tell them I think it is HIGHLY unlikely.
  • “Will I die too?” I think it’s only fair to say “yes, you will die someday but I think it won’t be for a very long time.” If they ask “Can I die too to be with you?” let them know that as much as you love them, you want them to live a long and beautiful life.
  • “What happens after you die?” You can share your beliefs with them about this. Other important people in their lives might share different beliefs. That’s OK. I say it as “No one knows for sure, but here is what I believe.” Whatever you share, it is helpful to be clear that a dead person’s body will not come back to life and someone who has passed will not be visible / tangible to them in the same way as before death.
  • “Will it hurt?” Be honest about whether the dying process may or may not hurt and how health care will support that. But say that death itself does not hurt, and after death, there is no pain.
  • “Can we fix it?” Tell them that you really wish you could, but some things can’t be fixed. Reassure them that you are doing all you can to help these be as easy as it can be on everyone, and that even though it is still very hard, in the long run, you know they will have a happy life.

Books to Read

These are some books that could be effective for the person whose passing is nearing to read to the child. (You could even make a video of them with the child in their lap reading it aloud to them.)

With each, I include a link to the book description* and also a link to a video of a read aloud so you can see if the book feels like the right fit for your situation.

You’ll Find Me by Amanda Rawson Hill. (Video) This is beautiful. “I will not always be greeting the morning with you, but you’ll find me… in the way the sun spills through your window whispering wake up sleepyhead… I will not always be holding you tight in my lap, but you’ll find me… in the first notes of a familiar song…” The image at the top of this post is from this book.

You’ll Always Have My Love by Jennifer Chobar. (Video) Although I don’t think the rhymes are the best children’s writing, I do think there are beautiful messages in this book! I think it would be a very sweet thing for the person at life’s end to read to the child, if their belief system includes the idea that they’ll be watching over the child after they die.

When Mama Goes to Heaven by Jayna Russell. (Video) Talks about how the person they have lost can still be “found” in all the beauties of the world.

The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr. (Video) Could be read after someone’s passing, but I also think it could be read beforehand, as a chance to preview what the feelings might be like and how to hold them gently.

Creating Memories

By being honest with a child about what’s coming, you create the opportunity to create special rituals and preserve memories. Make lots of videos, take lots of pictures, write letters to be given to them on each birthday, plan a memorial service together, whatever feels meaningful to you.

You can also do more things with all the other adults who will help to support the child after the death, strengthening all those relationships, and showing them that those adults have your trust.

Still Living Your Life

Sometimes when death is coming, families let that overwhelm everything. Every day becomes about that.

It’s OK to still do all the “normal” things that “normal” families do with small kids. And let your kid be a kid! Go to the playground, watch Bluey together, dance together, see friends for playdates, go to preschool or story time, and so on. And it’s OK to have bad days when you’re cranky at your kid, like all parents have days they’re cranky at their kids!

Nearing the end

As the health situation worsens, and the end comes closer, be honest with the child about what is happening and what to expect. Keep reminding the child that they are loved and that they will be well cared for, and although many things will change, that will remain the same.

It might be tempting to keep the child away from a loved one who is becoming quite sick and frail. But it is hard for the child if someone “disappears” from their life before they are truly gone, so follow the child’s lead. If they want to be with the person, let them be! If they are ready for a break, give them a break. Allowing them to have choices in the moment is helpful. There’s no easy path, but again, letting them have some choice and control can help.

Here is info on supporting a child when a family member is dying in a care facility.

Resources for those who remain:

After the passing, here are some resources that will be helpful to those who are caring for the child:

  • Supporting Preschoolers who are Grieving and Children and End of Life Rituals from NACG (childrengrieve.org)
  • When Families Grieve from Sesame Street
  • Books that can be read to the child after the loss: Missing Mummy by Rebecca Cobb. (Video), Lost in the Clouds by Tom Timm Disbury. (Video), The Memory Box by Joanna Rowland (Video). Something Very Sad Happened by Zucker (Video.) The first two are about the loss of a mother. The third isn’t specific. The last is about the loss of a grandmother. But I believe the reader could adapt these to the child’s situation.
  • One important thing is that people continue to talk about the person who has died. Sometimes they avoid this because they fear it will make the child sad. It actually tends to be healing and calming to children to continue to hear about this person who was so important to them.

Note about links for book titles: these are Amazon affiliate links, so I would get a small referral fee if you clicked through and then purchased, but I also encourage you to get the book from your favorite independent bookseller.

More Resources:

There are lots more helpful resources on these sites:

Note: my other more general post on Talking to Children about Death covers some of this same info, but also has other tips and resources you may find helpful.

Talking with Children about Death

5 Replies

cemetery

Children are curious about all things in life, and that includes being curious about death. As adults, we may feel like it’s not a polite thing to talk about it, or that talking about death is morbid, but it’s a normal thing for kids to be interested in. And it’s helpful to talk openly about death long before a child experiences a loss of someone they care about. Here are tips on: finding teachable moments, big ideas to talk about, talking about the loss of loved ones, grief, and using media to open the discussion.

Teachable Moments

Parents in my classes ask: “when should I talk to my child about death?” I say: whenever a teachable moment presents itself. Because death is a part of life. There will be plenty of chances to talk about it.

Here are just some of the opportunities I’ve encountered with my youngest child in the past year or so that led into conversations about death:

  • Once, on the walk to my son’s kindergarten, we saw a dead squirrel. Another time, we found the leg of a bird, and then there was a lost cat sign up for months, which led to lots of discussions of what might have happened to the cat. On the way to first grade, we drive past a cemetery.
  • On Memorial Day, he asked whether we would have a party for this holiday, and I explained that we honor Memorial Day but don’t really “celebrate” it, which led to a whole discussion of death, war, what is a generation, and so on.
  • A member of our church, a teacher at school, and a student at school have died, and he heard people speaking about these deaths and being sad about them.
  • His older sister’s pet gecko died and we buried it together.
  • We heard on the news about many people being killed in a shooting. (I try not to listen to the news much around him… but this was a TV that was on in a public place.)
  • His pea plant died.
  • We see flowers on a sign post on the side of a highway where a fatal car accident occurred.
  • Somehow at school, a discussion came up of the danger of thunderstorms, and he worried for a few days about whether his dad would be struck by lightning and killed.
  • He was wondering about heaven.
  • He’s seen death occur in many books, movies, and TV shows.

Each time one of these ‘teachable moments’ came up, we talked openly about death, the dying process, and grief. None of these were long drawn-out, or stressful conversations. Most were brief (thirty second? one minute?) discussions, where I try to be as matter-of-fact about things like decomposition as I am about things like new buds coming out on a tree. I try to talk about grief as a natural emotion similarly to how I talk about other emotions. I talk about what I believe happens after death as I talk about other aspects of my spiritual beliefs. So, this had been a conversation we’d been having with my son on random occasions for years.

And… then his grandmother died. My mom had Alzheimer’s and had been fading for a few years. We had been open with my son about this and the fact that she was no longer able to do the things she had done before. Then, I had to travel to be with her for a few days as we moved her into hospice care, and then my husband and I traveled for her funeral. Around this time, we had lots of long conversations with my son about death.

I was so glad that we had a long history of open and honest conversations about this part of life. I can only imagine how hard it would be for a parent who had tried to avoid this subject for years to suddenly have to explain it for the first time when she is managing her own grief over the loss of a parent and the child’s loss of a grandparent.

Developmental Stages of Understanding

When talking with a child about anything, it always helps to have some knowledge of their developmental stage, and what they’re likely to be able to understand, versus what might simply be over their head at this age. Here is how children’s understanding of death evolves:

  • Preschool age (3 – 5). Even if you explain what death is (when something living stops functioning – stops breathing, growing, etc.), they may not be able to grasp what you mean. They may believe death is temporary and reversible. Although children see many deaths in movies and stories, they don’t really see a lot of what happens afterward when that character never returns. If someone you loved has died, expect that the child will ask from time to time when that person is coming back.
  • Early elementary age (5 – 9): Children come to understand that death is final. They aren’t clear on what causes death. They also learn that all living things will someday die, but tend not to yet grasp that they themselves will someday die. The child may ask a lot of questions about death – it’s not morbid, it’s just trying to understand a complex topic.
  • Tweens (age 9 – 12): They understand what death is – that organisms no longer function in the way they did when they were alive. They understand that death is final, and that they will die someday.
  • Teenagers: Begin to wonder about the meaning of life and form beliefs about what happens after death. Some begin taking risks, as if to test their own immortality.

Learn more about What to Expect at Different Ages and Developmental Understandings.

Big Ideas about Death

There are a few key ideas about death to convey at some point – not all at once, but in multiple minute-long conversations through their childhood:

  • Death is the cessation of life functions. Use simple terms and concrete examples from their life experience. “When an animal dies, it no longer breathes, or eats, or moves or feels hungry.” “Do you remember when your pea plant died, and it stopped growing?” “Their heart stopped, and their brain doesn’t work any more.”
  • Death is caused by physical reasons. Describe in a simple, non-graphic way what caused a death. Explain enough that they understand… for example, don’t just say “she died because she was sick”, because then the next time your child is sick with a cold, they might think they might die. Explaining something like “she’s really sick, with a disease called _____. It’s not something I would expect you or me to get…”
    • It’s not your fault.  Children are inherently self-centered – their world view rotates around themselves. This can often mean that if someone dies, they wonder if it was their fault. “I said ‘I hope you die’ and then they did!!!” This can lead to a lot of guilt and shame. Reassure them that the death is not their fault.
  • Death is permanent.
    • Don’t confuse them by saying the person “went to sleep” because then it can be scary to go to sleep, or saying the person “went away” because then they will worry when you “go away” to the grocery store that you may never come back. Using the word death is actually helpful to reduce these anxieties.
  • Everything that is alive will someday die.
    • You may also address that different things have different expected life spans. We might expect some pets to only live for a few years. We expect people to live for many decades. (Again, you may need to reassure them that you or other important adults expect to be around for a long while still.)
    • At some point, we’ll need to acknowledge that not only old people / animals die. It can happen to someone very young, it’s just less likely
  • Share your own beliefs. One of the reasons it’s important to talk to your children about hard things (read “Better You than YouTube”) is so  you can share your own values with them and talk about the beliefs that are important to your family.
    • You may worry that you don’t know what to say about things like what death feels like, or what happens after you die. It’s OK if you don’t have all the answers. You can say to your child “No one knows for sure. I believe ________.”
    • In some family’s beliefs, those who have passed away continue to be present in some way – you might say things like “grandma is watching over you” or “someday you’ll see him again in heaven”. This is fine, just be clear that we don’t expect to see that person in our world again, just so children don’t get confused about what to expect, or expect that person to be present in the same way they used to be.
    • Note: one thing that can confuse children is when parents say things like “he’s happy up in heaven now” but the parent is clearly grieving and sad. They may not understand why you’re sad about something that makes the departed one happy. You can explain that you are sad the person is no longer with you, and you can’t spend time with them any more.

Talking about the Possibility someone they love will die

Be thoughtful about whether you bring it up.

There’s typically no reason for you to push the topic or start the conversation, unless you believe a death will come soon to someone they care about. (Just as we’d talked to my son about his grandmother as she declined, when our 16 year old dog was ailing, we let my son know that Rufty might not be with us much longer.) This honesty about a coming loss allows them to build special memories, and say some goodbyes so there are fewer regrets later on about what was not done or said. (Note: I have a full post on how to talk about things if a child’s parent is facing a terminal diagnosis or in hospice care.)

If there’s not an impending death of a loved one, I wouldn’t really bring up the possibility. But… if they bring it up, don’t change the subject.

Let them know it’s OK to talk about it, and you’re glad they feel comfortable asking you.

If they’ve asked a question:

  • clarify exactly what they’re asking. Sometimes they want just a simple basic answer and we go into the Big Talk about everything they’ll ever need to know about death and totally overwhelm them.
  • Turn the question around, and ask them what they already know. This lets you set a baseline for what you need to talk about versus what they already understand. It also allows you to correct misconceptions. For example, if they ask when someone will come back to life, we may need to explain the permanency of death, and how it’s different than when kids just “pretend to be dead” while playing.
  • Address underlying concerns. Often when someone asks a question, there is an underlying concern behind the question. If your child seems worried when they ask you about something, think what fear might be behind the question. If a child asks you “can parents die?”, they may really be asking “will you die? Who will take care of me?” If you suspect this is the case, you can put it into words for them: “are you worried I won’t be here to take care of you?”
  • Reassure. First, unless you have reason to suspect otherwise, say “I don’t expect [that person] to die any time soon. I know that idea feels scary to you, but I expect [they] will live for a long time yet.” (Note, you didn’t promise anything, because we can’t ever really promise that.) Then reassure that even if that were to happen, they would be OK: “But if I did die, here’s who would take care of you.”

Talking about Grief

Don’t be shy about talking about grief. It is one of many emotions that we humans experience. (Emotional literacy is a key life skill we want our children to gain.) Sadness about someone’s loss is a reflection of the fact that they mattered to us. Share what your feelings have been about various losses in your life.

But also talk about the wide range of reactions that people may have. Some may be sad. Some may be angry. Some may not seem to react at all. Sometimes there is a feeling of relief. Sometimes all these moods come and go unpredictably. And some may react on a different schedule. It’s all OK.

Know when to move on.

Sometimes your child may ask more questions in the moment. Sometimes not. Your child may have initiated a discussion about death, then they seem ready to move on before you think “we’re done talking about this.” Follow the child’s lead and move on. Prolonging the conversation will only cause discomfort.

Children learn through repetition, so expect that they make ask some questions again and again.

When a child is grieving

Sometimes there losses that we would consider big in a child’s life where they don’t seem to react. Give them time and space for their own reaction. And other times, there are things we think of as small sadnesses – seeing a dead bunny by the road, or a death in a storybook, where our child may suffer deep grief. Don’t dismiss these feelings or tell them “don’t feel bad.” Honor their right to their feelings, whatever the cause.

Don’t avoid talking about the person who has died. Even though they’re no longer here, you can still remember them. Your child may want to do a ceremony, or create a shrine to help them remember. You could establish new traditions of continuing to do a favorite thing they did with the person who has passed away.

Your child may need help remembering that the person won’t come back. They may ask again and again when they will return. They are not doing this to upset anyone. They’re just wrapping their minds around the permanency of death.

Your child may “play” death. They are just trying to understand. It’s fine to use puppets or stuffed animals to tell the story or play things out. It may also help your child to draw their feelings and memories.

Many children will regress or have behavioral challenges after a death of a loved one. Be patient and understanding with them, but don’t overly coddle them. Normal family rules should still apply. The sooner you get back to normal routines, the better. This helps you all move forward to the “new normal” of what your life will look like in the future.

Here are two helpful resources:  Supporting Preschoolers Who Are Grieving and When Families Grieve from Sesame Street.

Funerals

If a loved one has died, you may decide not to have the child participate in the funeral. If they will attend the service, be sure to prepare them – telling them who they will sit with, how they should behave, and what will happen. For example,

 “Lots of people who loved Grandma will be there. We will sing, pray, and talk about Grandma’s life. People might cry and hug. People will say things like, ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ or, ‘My condolences.’ Those are polite and kind things to say to the family at a funeral. We can say, ‘Thank you,’ or, ‘Thanks for coming.’ You can stay near me and hold my hand if you want.”  (source)

If the person’s body will be at the service, talk to your child about that. (Note: although people worry that seeing a body would be upsetting to children, they typically take it in stride). Explain burial if they will go to the cemetery. Explain if there will be a wake or reception of some sort – explain that people will talk and share happy memories of the one who has passed.

If you expect to experience a lot of strong emotions at the funeral, you may want to either not bring the child or ask another adult to help care for the child and sit with the child during the service. Remind your child that it is not their fault you are sad.

More info about children and funerals.

Using Media to Start the Conversation

There are several excellent books and some shows that are explicitly designed to help children understand death and manage grief. There are also many excellent books and movies that include a death that you can use to help you start a conversation.

Here are recommended books: https://imaginationsoup.net/childrens-picture-books-grief-death/; https://www.familyeducation.com/videos/12-childrens-books-help-explain-tragedies-death; https://pjlibrary.org/blog/january-2017/childrens-books-about-death.

Find  movies and shows listed here www.ranker.com/list/kids-entertainment-dealing-with-death/matt-manser, and here https://whatsyourgrief.com/death-in-disney-movies/ and here: www.commonsensemedia.org/lists/movies-to-help-kids-deal-with-grief 

Resources

Here’s a free printable handout of this blog post on Talking with your child about Death that you can share with others.

To learn how (and why) to talk about other difficult topics with your child (including sexuality, “tricky people”, scary topics, and more: read Better You Than YouTube.