Author Archives: Janelle Durham

About Janelle Durham

I am a parent educator and social worker, and teach music and science to children age 1 - 8.

The Attention Principle

attention

A key concept in the Incredible Years program is the Attention Principle. Children want attention from their parents, teachers and peers. They will repeat behaviors that get attention. They are less likely to repeat behaviors that are ignored.

Ideally, kids want positive attention: praise, rewards, smiles and snuggles. But, if they feel like they’re not getting enough of that, they will settle for any attention, even negative.

Therefore, when you see your child behaving well – being calm, cooperative, kind, taking turns, and sharing, reward that with positive attention. If your child is behaving badly, but in ways that aren’t directly harming anyone or anything, like whining or repeating the same words over and over or making sassy demands rather than asking polite questions, ignore it. If they are behaving in a way that causes problems, then calmly give clear instructions about exactly what they need to do differently.

I imagine this all sounds obvious and you’re probably thinking “yes, of course, that makes sense.” But I want you to think… is this what you’re actually doing?

When our children are calm, quiet, and well behaved, we often are relieved because it allows us to focus on all the other things we need to do: make dinner, pack a lunch, put the laundry away, or pay the bills. We may not say anything to them, because everything is going fine.

But then, if the siblings start squabbling, or the toddler starts jumping on the couch, or the whining begins, we jump right in with our full attention. “You two stop fighting!” “I told you not to jump on the couch – do I need to come over there?” “How many times do I have to say, no candy before dinner?”

From their point of view, if they’re really lucky, not only will they get your attention, but they might also get a bribe to stop the bad behavior: “If you stop fighting, I’ll get the art supplies out.” “Sit down on the couch, and you can watch YouTube.” “Fine, yes, have one piece of candy, then go play so I can get dinner finished.”

Giving attention or rewards to bad behavior “feeds the monster.” The more that behavior gets attention, the more they will use it. And it’s easy to get into a pattern where most of your interactions are them misbehaving and you struggling to keep up with managing it. You may feel like if you step back, they’ll trash the house or hurt someone.

It does take a while and some consistent effort to change that pattern once it’s begun. But start trying today!

For annoying but not harmful behaviors, just ignore them. And then as soon as your child is showing good behavior, give them positive attention.

If their misbehavior could cause problems (they might break a toy, or spill foood, or get hurt, or hurt someone else), you do need to step in and set limits. But do it with as little excitement and attention as possible. If you come running across the room saying “no, no, no” or “stop that” and take things out of their hand and then talk and talk – that’s lots of attention and that feeds the monster of misbehavior, right?

Instead, try calmly telling them what to do differently: “Can you play with that toy gently? If you bang it like that, it might break.” The clearer your instructions are about what to do, the better. And as soon as they do anything that is better than what they were just doing, give positive attention like that, and tell them exactly how they could do even better, then praise it when they do. Or, try a “when/then.” “When I see you sitting in your seat, then I can get you more snack.”

If they continue to misbehave, do an if/then, where you let them know what the consequence will be if they continue. “If you throw the sand again, we will need to leave the playground.” And then if they do, calmly take them from the playground. Again, don’t be big and dramatic about it – the attention feeds the monster. Just be matter-of-fact and take them away. Then, in the new environment, as soon as you see good behavior, pay attention to it.

What can you do today to start shifting your attention toward what you want to see more of, and ignoring the behavior you’d like to see less of?

Gift Idea: Personalized Memory Game

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On Shutterfly, you can make a personalized set of cards for a Memory Game. (This is the game where you lay out several cards on the table face down, and then children turn over one to show the photo, then turn over a second. If they match, the child keeps both cards. If not, they turn them back face down, and it’s the next person’s turn.)

This is actually one of my favorite games for teaching systematic problem solving! (Not only do you have to remember things well, but the best player has a system that helps with memory, such as always starting in the top left, and working your way across – which helps you remember where you last saw that photo of the dog when you flip up its match.) I think every kid should have play the game, and Shutterfly makes it possible for you to choose photos that have the most meaning for your child for less than $20… about the same it would cost to buy a commercial Matching Game.

For the holidays, I’ll be making a set for my mom (she has Alzheimers and fine motor challenges, so the game offers some physical rehab potential as well as a memory refresher about the faces and names of her loved ones). For my son, who is about to turn seven, I will make two sets with matching backs, so that he has a total of 48 cards. That way, when we start playing the memory game with him, we can start with just 4 to 6 pairs and as he gets better, we can make it more challenging by adding up to 24 pairs!

Read on for the full tutorial:

How to Make Your Set:

Go to Shutterfly. (I’d love it if you use this link: bcparents.shutterflystorefront.com. If you start there, it’s the same cost for you, but Shutterfly will donate 13% of your order to the scholarship program for Bellevue College Parent Education Program, which offers over 50 classes for families with children from birth to age seven.)
Under the tab “Gifts”, under the category “Gifts for Kids”, you’ll see “Memory Games.” Click on that.
Now, choose the design you like best, and click on that.
Choose whether you want matte or glossy, then click on “Personalize.”
Click on each card to customize. You’ll upload the photo you want, then edit as you want. You will design 12 cards. They will print two copies of each for 24 total.
In choosing photos of people, a headshot of a single person will work better than full body shots, or group photos, just because the final cards are just 3 x 3 inches, so the final image is fairly small, especially if you chose a design with a big border.
When you’re done with the design, place your order!

Shutterfly also has other great products: One year, we made a wall calendar for both sets of grandparents featuring lots of artwork by our kids. Another year, we made an 8×8 photo book that was a personalized alphabet book. The “A” page had a picture of Uncle Alan, our friend Adam, our child holding an apple, and so on.

Looking for more holiday gift ideas? Click here for thoughts on choosing the best toys for your child.

Learning to Calm Down

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Young toddlers are not generally capable of calming themselves down – they’ll need your support. (Learn how here.) But as our children move into their preschool years, we can begin teaching them more about how to soothe their own upsets.

The first step in calming emotions is to have an understanding of what emotions are and how they feel in our bodies. You can read here about Understanding Feelings and learn more about Emotional Literacy here.

Here are tips to help your child learn about emotional regulation:

Label their mood when they are calm and relaxed, talk about their facial expressions and body language that tell you they’re relaxed, so they know this is what they are hoping to get back to.
Help them notice early cues that they are feeling upset. It’s much easier to manage feelings when they’re little.
Help them understand that all emotions are normal and natural. Sometimes we’re happy, and sometimes we’re sad or angry and that’s OK. But sometimes our emotions lead us to behave in ways that cause problems. So, we’re not trying to say “you can never be mad”, we are focusing on ways to express and work with that anger that don’t harm them or anyone/anything else.
Model positive self-talk. “I am frustrated, but I can calm down.” “I am feeling scared about trying something new, but I’m going to try it anyway. I bet it will be fun in the end.”
Give them examples of positive self-talk they can use themselves: “I can keep calm when things are hard.” “Take three breaths.” “I can handle this.” “He didn’t mean to hurt me. It was an accident.” “Everyone makes mistakes, I just have to help clean it up.”
Help them think of “happy thoughts” they can focus on when they’re feeling sad.
The Incredible Years program recommends “the turtle technique.” Tell your child to imagine she has a shell she can retreat into. She can imagine going into the shell, taking three deep breaths, and saying to herself “Stop, take a deep breath, calm down.” As she takes the deep breaths, she can focus on pushing out some of the air to her arms and legs so she can relax her muscles. She can then continue positive self talk and breathing till she’s calm enough to come out and try again. Here’s a children’s book about the turtle technique.
Praise your child when s/he successfully manages and recovers from negative feelings.
Remember to focus on the positive feelings they have when they’re calm, and on the strategies they use to get there, than you focus on the negative behaviors. If we give lots of attention to negative behaviors, we “feed the monster.” Instead, give attention to what you want to see more of.

Teaching Appropriate Expression of Emotions

Search online for images of “calm down for kids.” You’ll find lots. Print your favorite to use with your child, or even better, make a customized list / diagram of calming tools that work well for your child.

Some helpful ideas to consider are: Deep breaths, blowing bubbles (really blowing bubbles or even just pretending to), taking a deep breath and pretending to blow out birthday candles. Running, jumping, dancing, tensing up muscles then relaxing them, or doing “heavy work” – activities that use their muscles. Quiet time, time out, cuddles, holding a stuffed animal, wrapping up in a blanket. Sensory play. Using their imagination… Don’t pick the things that you like to use. Choose the tools that help your child to calm. Make sure they have some they can use outside of the home, whether that’s at school or on the playground.

You could also download free these anger management strategy cards. Make your child a deck of the cards that you know are effective for them.

You can also check out this helpful post on anger management or listen to that same content on The Early Childhood Research Podcast

Practice

Have your child practice their calming strategies for a few minutes a day when they’re not upset. This will increase the chance that they will use them when they are upset.

Note: many of the ideas discussed here are from “Dinosaur School” – a part of the Incredible Years program.

Understanding, Detecting, and Talking About Feelings

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Emotional literacy skills – the ability to “read” (recognize) feelings in other people, the ability to read your own feelings (notice your internal cues), and to express your feelings appropriately are all incredibly important to your child’s long-term success.

How you can help:

Teach vocabulary: start with the basic emotions of glad, mad, sad, and scared. As their grasp of those basics deepens, add in more nuanced terms:
- Glad – happy, content, calm, excited, eager, loved, proud, thrilled, delighted…
- Mad – annoyed, irritable, frustrated, angry, outraged…
- Sad – disappointed, lonely, wistful, left out, bummed, grieving…
- Scared – frightened, surprised, terrified, startled…
Label emotions in the moment. When your child is experiencing an emotion is the best time to label it, or when they see you or a child at the park experiencing an emotion. Just like with all language development, it’s easiest to learn a word when they’re having a concrete experience of it. (For example, If you want to teach the word banana, show your child a banana, peel it, eat it. If you want to teach the word sad, use it when they’re sad. We won’t talk in great detail about it at that moment, but we do want to give them the label so they know “this is what sad feels like.”)
Talk about emotions when you see them in books and videos, when the child is not experiencing those emotions. Once they’ve grasped what the word “sad” is, it may be easier to talk about things like “what makes people sad”, “how can you tell when someone is sad”, and “what makes someone feel better when they’re sad” when your child is not feeling sad.
Talk about positive feelings more than about negative feelings. (Following the attention principle… Your child will most often repeat behaviors that get the most attention from you. Praising behaviors like calm, sweet, gentle, happy and so on lets your child know that these are behaviors that you like to see. Talking all the time about their angry outbursts may only perpetuate a self image of themselves as “a kid who is angry all the time.”)
- Also share your own positive feelings with them: “I am so proud of you” and “I was delighted to see how well you two played together today.”
When you comment on an uncomfortable emotion, add a coping strategy: “I see that you’re frustrated, maybe you can take a quick break then try again.” “That noise scared you, do you want to ask me about it?” “That made you really sad, so you came over for a hug.”
- Also comment on your own coping skills. “I am really frustrated, so I’m taking a few deep breaths to calm down.” “I was worried about that, so I talked to Dad to get some ideas about what to do.” “I’m feeling sad today, so I’m going to take a little break now.”
- Praise children when they manage difficult feelings: “I know you were angry. You did a good job of keeping your fists down.” “You were really frustrated by that puzzle, but you stuck to it and tried, and you did it!”

Understanding the Stages of Emotion

I’ve written before about the Anatomy of a Tantrum. and how to time your intervention. In The Incredible Years, Webster-Stratton talks about stages in the build-up of tension: first the child is grouchy or sulking, then becomes more tense and moody. That can escalate to an explosive outburst, followed by the depression / “leave me alone” stage, then your child may resume normal activities as if nothing had happened.

If we can recognize the beginning stages – when they’re starting to become angry or frustrated – we may be able to intervene with suggestions like talking about their feelings, taking a few deep breaths or trying other solutions. However, during a full blown tantrum or during the sulk that follows, they are too dis-regulated to respond to our suggestions and problem-solving. Intervention may only make the tantrum worse, or provide attention that reinforces the tantrum. Webster-Stratton says “it is best for the parent to ignore while monitoring to make sure that the child is safe.”

Ideally, we want our children to notice their own cues that their emotions are starting to escalate. We want them to be able to catch themselves in that first stage, and talk themselves down. That won’t happen when they’re two or three years old. But if we talk to them about self-soothing, and model emotional regulation, they’ll get there sooner than if we don’t talk about it!

Teaching your Child to Recognize Cues

Be concrete when talking about what cues tell us we’re feeling an emotion or what cues tell us how others are feeling.

When you’re feeling emotional, describe your internal feelings.
When your child is showing a mild emotion (their brow is getting furrowed, their face is drooping in sadness, or they’re starting to make fists) make observations about these cues, and ask them how they’re feeling. (Note: don’t do this when they’re in a full meltdown – having a meltdown narrated will likely only make it worse.)
Talk about body language and what it conveys about how someone is feeling. There are some useful examples here and here.
When reading books or watching videos, point out cues: “I can tell she’s sad, because…”
Online, you can find lots of teaching tools about emotional cues that show a wide variety of facial expressions (like the picture at the top of this post) or others about “how to draw facial expressions. Print one out to discuss with your child. (Or parents have made stick puppets showing ranges of emotion.)
In your pretend play, or in puppet shows, model a range of emotional expressions and coping strategies.

The Feelings Thermometer

A helpful tool can be to create an emotional thermometer for your child. (If you search for “emotions thermometer for kids” you’ll find multiple examples.) On the “cold” end, it has sad. Then in the area where you would find moderate temperatures, it has calm, then happy, and so on. Then in the high temperature range you have different levels of anger. Once you’ve explained it to your child, they can use it to show you how they’re feeling today, and what they could do to “cool down” or “warm up.” You may recommend that if they reach a certain high temperature, they should remove themselves from the situation for a time out to cool down.

A thermometer may work best for kids who are 5 or older, or 4 year olds who have a grasp of numbers and measurement. For 2 and 3 year olds, it may be better to use your hands to show how big a feeling is. Hold your thumb and finger close together to show an “itty bitty” emotion or hold your hands far apart to show a great big feeling.

Note: many of the ideas discussed here are from “Dinosaur School” a part of the Incredible Years program. Read more here about: Emotional Literacy and Emotion Coaching.

The Incredible Years program

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My family is currently enrolled in a session of The Incredible Years, which is an evidence-based program for parents and for children, supported by over 30 years of research. The goal is to prevent and treat young children’s behavior problems and promote their social, emotional, and academic competence.

At the program we’re in, parents attend a 13 week session to learn skills to support their kids. Children attend 18 weeks of “Dinosaur School” which uses dinosaur-themed materials and puppets to engage children and strengthen social and emotional skills. Both programs are truly excellent!

I will be doing a series of blog posts here where I reflect on things we are learning in class and in the book. Writing about ideas gives me a much stronger grasp of them, and a deeper understanding of how they can apply to my parenting life and to the information I give students in my parent education classes.

Nothing I write here is meant to be a substitute for participating in these programs! The hands-on, in-person aspect is key to the learning. But hopefully you’ll find some interesting tidbits in these posts.

Posts in this series: The Attention Principle, Ignoring Annoying Behavior, When/Then and If/Then, Parenting Pyramid, Consequences, Time Out.

More Good Days with Kids

Research, Resources & Realistic Recommendations for Parents of Kids age 1 to 7