Author Archives: Janelle Durham

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About Janelle Durham

I am a parent educator and social worker, and teach music and science to children age 1 - 8.

Resilience

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This is a companion piece for “Building Resilience in Children“. This post offers a deeper look at theories of resilience, and links to some key research in the field.

What is Resilience?

So, what is resilience? And how do you know if you have it?

If you were lucky enough to never face any challenges, you’d never know if you have resilience (and honestly, you probably wouldn’t, because we build resilience by facing and mastering challenges in our lives.)

But, for most of us… challenges come to us on a far too regular basis, right?

Types of Challenges We Might Face

Anytime we face a life transition, or a new developmental stage, that’s a challenge. (These predictable developmental cycles are called “periods of disequilibrium.”) Whether that’s a toddler who falls down many times before they learn to walk, or the new parent who has to cope with all the tantrums that might cause. There’s midlife crises, there’s the challenges of aging… those are “expected challenges” that any developmental psychologist can tell you are typical, but that doesn’t mean they’re not hard for the people going through them.

There’s also all the unexpected challenges – the fall in the mud puddle, the flat tire, the spilled milk, the flu.

And then there’s interpersonal challenges – the boss who makes unfair demands, the girlfriend who says she’s “just not that into you,” or the parent who lets you down.

Challenges just keep on coming.

But… and people in the midst of adversity hate it when you say this…  each of those moments of adversity is a learning experience. Each one offers “opportunities for personal growth.” Each one helps us learn how to stretch and how to bounce back.

Bouncing Back

One way of defining resilience is “doing better than expected in difficult circumstances.” We all have times when it seems like life is trying to knock us down, in small ways or in big ways. The question is: how will we respond? It seems there are three main pathways of response: Will we let adversity pin us down? Or will we bounce back up the status quo? Or end standing stronger and taller than ever before? And how can our family and our community and our beliefs help us to bounce back?

Image showing three responses to adversity - defeat, return to the status quo, and empowerment

Resilience is a really complex issue. There are lots of factors that influence our response to adversity. Several different models have been developed to examine factors. I’ll share a combination of those that shows my best current understanding.

Protective Factors vs. Risk Factors

The reality is that hard things come into everyone’s life at some point. Sometimes they’re expected challenges like a move to a new home, but often adverse circumstances arrive out of the blue – an illness, a home break-in, or a job layoff might appear in our metaphorical inbox. When a challenge hits, we start running with it, and we figure out our response as we go along.

running with it

Several things affect our response and whether or not we end up in a good place in the end. The risk factors drag us down. They challenge our ability to cope and to recover from this challenge, and increase the chance of poor outcomes. The protective factors – things that make it easier for us to cope – lift us up and make it more likely we’ll have a positive, empowered result.

risk and protective

What tips the balance for good outcomes is when the protective factors outweigh the risk factors. When we have so many good things going for us that the hard times are easy to overcome.

seesaw

Among the factors that influence our response, some are on the individual level  – specific to that person and the ways they interact with the world, some are found within  their network of family, close friends and communities,  and some are influences from the broader society as a whole.

levels

Individual Factors

Some people are just inherently more resilient than others, no matter what life throws at them. Dr. Thomas Boyce has researched the human stress response for 40 years, and he says some people are dandelions, and some are orchids.

Dandelions are people who can go through almost anything, and be unfazed by it all. Orchids are a lot more sensitive – they’re more vulnerable to stress, and need more support to weather the storms. But given the right nurturing care, they can thrive and become incredibly beautiful.

So what individual factors help to make us more or less resilient?

  • Internal Locus of Control – Developmental psychologist Emmy Werner found that resilient people have a strong internal locus – they believe they are in control of their own destinies. Even if bad things happen to them, they feel they can choose how to let that impact them.
  • Confidence – Resilient people have confidence in their own competence. And they have a growth mindset… instead of thinking of themselves as “not good” at something, they think “I’m not good at it yet. If I just keep working hard, I bet I’ll figure it out.”
  • Temperament – it’s easier to be resilient when you have a sense of humor about life, when you’re naturally easy-going, naturally flexible, and calm.
  • Mental and physical health – Our mental health is influenced by many things beyond our control – genetic, epigenetic, and environmental. Depression can make it supremely hard to bounce back from challenges, and anxiety can mean that even small challenges quickly become overwhelming as you spin into worry about how much worse it might become. Physical illness and disability are challenging circumstances on their own, often creating chronic adversity, and they can also make it harder to bounce back from other challenges. Good mental health and physical health is a huge protective factor.
  • Goals – Having goals you’re working toward helps with resilience – it’s the “eyes on the prize” focus that helps you push through the hard times. Resilient individuals tend to have things outside themselves that give them a reason to get up every day. This can be an interest or passion, such as music or art. This can be big dreams they’re working toward. Or, it can be knowing that other people are counting on them.
  • Perception – According to psychologist George Bonanno, a key individual factor is  how we interpret difficult circumstances. Do we perceive an event as traumatic or as an opportunity to learn and grow? Sometimes even something tragic, while very sad in the short term, might also be a powerful life event that changes someone for the better in the long term. This positive perception… finding meaning in loss… is more likely for people who have a spiritual or religious faith.

Which brings us to the next set of protective factors.

Family and Close Community

Our family of origin, and the close communities that we interact with throughout our lives (like a child’s school, an adult’s workplace, or a church community) have a huge impact on resilience. When these circles are healthy, they provide the key protective factor of a secure base.

From these communities, we learn our values – what does it mean to be a good person? We learn about faith – whether that’s a belief in a higher power, or a belief in a greater good, faith can provide a strong beacon of hope in the darkness of despair. We learn our stories. The most powerful stories are when members of our communities say “we’ve had good times and bad times, but we are a strong, resilient people and we keep moving forward together.”

In these communities, we find our key relationships. Researchers at Harvard found that no matter the source of hardship, the single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable, committed relationship with a supportive adult. Whether that’s a parent, friend, clergy, teacher or coach. That person offers us emotional support, they help us to see our own strengths, they teach us how to plan and how to cope in healthy ways.

In these communities, we can learn that we are valued, and that we can contribute in meaningful ways. If we have clear roles, we can see that our commitment is essential, and sometimes on our darkest days, what keeps us going is knowing that other people are counting on us, and we have to show up for them.

These communities can also be a source of concrete support – a ride to the doctor’s office after an injury, a bed to crash on when a relationship falls apart, a loan when we can’t pay a bill, someone to watch our kids for us – all these “little things” can help carry us through a hard spot.

Now, the problem is that our families and our communities are not always healthy. And just as a healthy home base can build resilience, an unhealthy family is devastating to our long-term resilience.

There is some really important research in health and mental health called the ACE’s study – where ACE stands for adverse childhood experiences.

Researchers asked people about their childhood – had they experienced things such as abuse, witnessed domestic violence, had parents with mental health issues or addiction or who were incarcerated, or had experienced homelessness. 60% of people have one or more of these experiences in childhood. The more you have, the less resilient you’ll be as an adult. About 12% of people have an ACE score of 4 or higher. With a score of 4 or higher, you’re four times more likely to experience addiction, 3 times more likely to have heart disease, respiratory disease and diabetes, far more likely to experience mental health challenges, and 6 times more likely to say you never feel optimism or hope.

The good news about ACE’s is that they can be overcome.

Knowing about the negative impact of ACE’s and working to mitigate it is the first step. Another key step  is connecting to healthy relationships and healthy communities. The research is really clear that even for kids from very toxic home environments, even just one healthy relationship with one positive mentor in the community is a huge boost on their path to recovery.

Now let’s look at the impact of Society and Resources.

Societal Factors and Resources

We have a strong cultural narrative in America – the cultural narrative that everyone can succeed if they “just try hard enough.”

But we don’t have a level playing field in America – we’re not all starting from the same place. A person who is living in poverty, in a crime-ridden neighborhood, where drug use is a common escape from the pain of living just doesn’t have the same resilience resources available to them. Or, even if someone had all the other advantages they could have, if they happen to have dark skin, or happen to be female, or gay, or trans, or disabled, or non-Christian, they have to carry the weight of systematic oppression. click to add That weight makes it harder to magically “bounce back” from challenges.

It is so much easier to be resilient if you happen to have been born into a stable, white, middle class family. If you made it through childhood with an ACE score of 0. If in adulthood, you’ve always had resources… so whatever challenge might arise, you’ve got back-up plans: car insurance, home insurance, health insurance. Flexible hours at work, paid sick leave, and short-term disability pay. Cash in the bank. A safe, warm home. People to take care of you, people to take care of your kids. If you’ve got the skills to research and access any services that you need. If you can speak with educated words and a voice of authority and white skin that afford you respectful treatment by those you encounter. All of these things make it easy to “bounce back” from whatever happens.

So, let’s start talking about how we can build resilience in ourselves and in others.

Building Resilience

At the Societal Level

Let’s first look at this societal level, and what we can do to tip the balance.

societal

We can work to dismantle systematic oppression. Respect and support cultural identities as tools for empowerment. Help increase equitable access to concrete resources and safe communities. Support organizations which work to increase hope in impoverished communities through the arts, access to job opportunities, and tools to help people reach for their dreams.

At the family and community level:

  • Think about the Stories We Tell. Stories can mobilize sources of faith, hope, and cultural traditions. When you’re facing difficult times, it helps to feel like you’re a part of something bigger. There are three types of stories we can tell – 1) our people are always successful (unfortunately, this can bestow a sense of entitlement if you as an individual are successful or a sense of personal failure if you’re not at the moment), 2) our people are never successful and things always get worse for us, or 3) our people have a history of weathering challenge and emerging stronger than before. That third kind is the best for building resilience for future adversity.
  • Build Relationships, and Be a Mentor. Remember, a key factor in resilience for children or for anyone is having a relationship with someone who believes in them, encourages them to be their best possible selves, and helps them keep moving when life seems too hard. You can be one of those people – not just for your friends and family, but for anyone you encounter in the broader community. Any time we interact with anyone in a way that reflects their inherent worth and dignity, we build their resilience.
  • Invite and Value Contributions. Let people know that their presence in the community matters, and that they can make valuable contributions. This is even in the little things. I’ll occasionally ask a child to help me as I set up or tidy – even a three year old can be asked to help carry something. Sometimes kids are surprised to be asked, because we often don’t ask them. But when we do, and we thank them for their help, it increases their sense of efficacy.
  • Concrete Support. Lending a helping hand to a parent with their hands full, offering a ride to someone recovering from an injury, helping someone work on a resume, passing on news about available affordable housing, or accompanying someone to a support group meeting are just some examples of simple things we can do to help people get back on their feet after a challenge. Keep your eyes open for your opportunities.

At the individual level:

  • Build others’ internal locus of control. Support others in viewing themselves as having control over their destiny. You can use a framework of “I have… I am… I can…” that encourages someone facing hardship to think about what resources they have, to tell themselves a positive story of who they are, and to think about concrete steps that they can take to help improve their situation.
  • Support a growth-based mindset. Carol Dweck has researched what she calls “the Growth Based Mindset” which is a belief that we are capable of learning more and doing better. And Angela Duckworth has researched what she calls “Grit” as a vital mechanism in achieving success despite barriers. One way to build these things is to talk about mistakes, failures, and setbacks as normal parts of learning, not as reasons to quit. Remind yourself and those around you that everyone runs up against things they can’t do. The ones who succeed are the ones who pick themselves up and try again.
  • In terms of Temperament – some people are naturally more fearful, and when things seem hard, their anxiety takes over. Researchers at Yale have learned that if we accommodate too much, it actually makes anxiety worse. If we tell someone “I know that’s scary, so you don’t have to do it”, it actually validates that this thing is way too scary and way too powerful. Instead, we can say to ourselves and others “It’s OK to feel scared. We all feel scared. Let’s make a plan for how we can do it anyway.”
  • We know Mental Health and Physical Health are huge protective factors. So, at the societal level, we can be doing public policy advocacy to increase access to health care. But, at the individual level, with ourselves and others, we can think about self care. We can remember that it’s important to prioritize self care – it helps to help recharge our batteries to give us enough energy to face whatever challenges may come.
  • We know that having a goal in mind helps us to keep pushing forward. Ask people to tell you about their dreams. Help them to figure out what the next manageable step is toward achieving that dream. Emphasize that even when challenges seem hard in the short term, we can work to overcome them and not let them block us from that long-term goal.
  • Perception – Learn how to re-frame challenges for yourself, and share with others what you have learned. There are three aspects to re-framing:
    • If you find yourself believing that when bad things happen it’s always your fault, try reframing to “sometimes bad things happen that are beyond my control. What I can control is how I respond to them.”
    • Stay focused on fixing the specific problem rather than thinking it’s a sign of some global problem. For example, if you don’t get a job you were hoping for, remember that it’s not that you are fundamentally unemployable. It’s just that one job that said no…. keep trying till you find the right fit.
    • View problems as impermanent – it will get better in time, and there are steps you can take to help it improve.

In the end, some of the most important protective factors that build resilience and increase positive outcomes  are the stories that we tell ourselves about the challenges that we face, and the stories that we tell those in our community about who we are, and what we’re capable of. If we believe that we are strong, and can overcome anything, the chances are much higher that we will.

 

Autistic? ADHD? SPD? Or Just “Quirky”?

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As a parent educator, and as a parent of autistic children with ADHD, I’ve had multiple discussions with parents who are wondering whether their child is autistic or has ADHD or “just” sensory issues or whether there are developmental delays. Parents who are wondering whether they should have their child tested. Parents who for their child tested but received results of “well, we can’t say it’s autism, but we also can’t rule it out.”

I’ve also had conversations with colleagues about children in their classes, where they’ll wonder about a child’s unusual behavior, but also say things like “I see some symptoms, but I don’t think they’re autistic, because they don’t ______.”

It’s tricky to figure out what to do about these “maybe?” cases, and trickier still when parents see that their child has challenges, and think they would benefit from support (like occupational therapy or social groups) but their insurance won’t cover it unless they have a diagnosis.

The Spectrum / Gray Areas

When I was a kid, we tended to think of autistic people as only the people who showed significant impairment in multiple domains: maybe they were non-verbal, developmentally delayed, and frequently stimming (e.g. rocking). There were also a bunch of other kids who were skilled in many areas, but had some unusual behaviors. We didn’t call that autism, we called them “quirky.” Nobody was called ADHD when I was a kid, but there were absolutely “hyper” kids, and “head in a cloud” kids.

We understand far more now, and have clear diagnostic criteria for ADHD, a better understanding of autism and sensory processing disorders, and solid research-based developmental milestones which help us more accurately diagnose delays.

But within these criteria, there’s still a spectrum…. a range of behaviors from subtle to blatant, and from minimal impact to major impacts on school and home. Some children present very obvious symptoms very early on and get a quick referral for services. Many take longer to figure out.

When you look at any behavior scoring, there’s the “typical” kids. In this bell curve, the kids in the green zone of scoring are considered “normal”. The kids in the red zone are two standard deviations off of the average and typically qualify for things like IEP’s (or gifted services) or SSI disability payments. The “quirky” kids in the yellow zone – one standard deviation off – would perhaps benefit from services / accommodations, but may not get diagnosed early or ever.

deviations

To Test or Not to Test

I have been a childbirth educator for over 25 years. In that field, we often say – before you get a test, think what you will do with the results and whether it will be helpful to you to have the results.

If you are a parent deciding whether to have your child tested, or an early childhood professional deciding whether to refer for testing, it’s worth asking that same question.

If there are services that you believe that a child would benefit from that they can only access if they have a diagnosis, then they should be tested. If they are being labeled as lazy, or spoiled, or whatever judgmental label, and you are wondering if there may be an underlying cause, they could be tested. If it would be helpful to you as a parent to have a “label” that helps you better understand your child and learn more about what they need, then it’s worth getting them tested to learn more from a professional, whether that’s a diagnosis or just resources for more ideas and support.

I’ve talked to parents who worry that having a diagnosis will harm the child’s self-esteem, and wonder if it would be better to try to “pass” and get by without the diagnosis.

But when I talk to adults who received diagnoses as teenagers or adults (whether it’s a diagnosis of autism, of ADHD, of dyslexia, of auto-immune diseases…), they pretty much all say that receiving a diagnosis was a relief. They’d always thought, or been told, that there was something wrong with them, that they were weird or stupid, and if they just “tried harder” or “quit whining” they would be successful. When they had a diagnosis, they were better able to understand their needs and felt more able to ask for the accommodations they need to be successful. And they also discovered more about what their unique strengths are now that they’re not trying to be just like everybody else. They wonder how much further they could have gone in life if they had the diagnosis and the correct accommodations earlier in life.

There is a meme (I saw it posted on Twitter by “OMG I’m autistic AF”) that says “why do you need a label? Because there is comfort in knowing that you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse.” Once you know you’re a zebra, you can find a community of zebras and learn what helps them be the very best zebras they can be… so much better than feeling like a failure at being a horse!

To refer or not to refer

As a parent educator, I observe the kids in my class. I’ve had a few toddlers and preschoolers where I had no doubt they were on the autism spectrum and would benefit from early and intensive services. I spoke to those parents early in the year, encouraged them to seek testing, and got them connected to services.

I’ve had lots of other students who were “quirky” or have asymmetrical development issues.

I do developmental screenings in my classes, and this can start the conversation with parents about developmental issues. If there’s a minor delay in one area at one time stamp, I just talk about ways to enhance learning in that area, but if I see more delays or persistent delays in that one area, we have a broader conversation about what might be going on there. Sometimes, I have shared “here are some things about your child that are a little different than what we see in other kids their age. It could just be a temperament thing or just where they are in their development, but it does make me wonder a bit, so it’s something you could keep an eye on, and check in with me again if it becomes a concern.”

If I suspect a specific condition, I use the word, because I’ve spoken to parents of 7 year olds who have said things like “I can’t believe no professional we worked with ever mentioned the word autism to us before last  month and no one told us that those behaviors might be signs of autism. If anyone had the courage to have that conversation with us, we wouldn’t feel blindsided now, and we could have learned more about accommodations that would have helped us parent him more successfully and access services earlier.”

Re-Framing A Diagnosis

I also talk about autism, ADHD, and SPD differently than the common dialogue. Autism is often treated as a tragic thing. ADHD is often viewed as bad behavior which would be fixed if the parents only ______. Kids with sensory processing issues are viewed as over sensitive and told they just need to get over it.

I think it’s better to just think about these as a developmental difference which creates some challenges but can also be accommodated. If a child is blind, or deaf, we don’t expect them to be able to change that, just by “choosing to behave better.” We don’t assume that “learning to act normal” will “cure” them. We try not to let their label limit them and try to maximize their access to a full life. We figure out what accommodations they need to move through the world, and to maximize their potential for a successful life. It’s an accessibility issue. The same is true for accommodations for ADHD, autism, SPD and other neurodiversity.

And many of the “challenges” of these conditions actually come more from societal attitudes or lack of understanding than from the conditon itself. If the neurotypical community understood more about neurodiverse people, it would greatly reduce the challenges of each condition. It also turns out that some of the things we do to accommodate them also benefit all the other people in the room.

Screening

If you’re wondering about your child, or a child you know, start with a list of symptoms, or red flags to watch for. Or with a screening test. Here are some resources to try:

  • Milestones Checklists from the CDC. (And here’s info about other developmental resources)
  • Overall Developmental Screening: the Ages and Stages Questionnaire assesses fine and large motor skills, communication, problem-solving and social emotional development. Here’s how you can do your own ASQ screening and the ASQ-SE which focuses on social-emotional development.
  • Autism screening: For children under 2, check out Baby Navigator. If your child is 16 – 30 months old, try the Modified Checklist for Autism in Toddlers, available at www.autismspeaks.org/screen-your-child
  • For ADHD, consider the checklist of symptoms. Think about other children the same age as your child. Compared to them does your child have several of these challenges? Do they have these challenges only at home? Only outside the home? Only when doing things they don’t enjoy (like cleaning) or that don’t interest them (sitting still at a restaurant table)? Or do they even have a hard time concentrating on things they want to do?  If they have these challenges in all circumstances it is more likely to be ADHD. If you only occasionally see the symptoms, there may be another cause.

Diagnostic Testing

  • If you’re still concerned after completing a screening, talk to your child’s health care provider, and/or contact your state’s public early childhood system to request a free evaluation to find out if your child qualifies for intervention services. This is sometimes called a Child Find evaluation. If your child is under three years old, look at the ECTA website. If your child is 3 years old or older, contact your local public school system.

I have a full post here on: Accessing Testing for Developmental Concerns.

What if they’re NOT diagnosed with a condition?

Sometimes you go through the steps of testing to be told your child is fine. Or that they’ll outgrow the challenges. Or they’re a quirky kid but only one standard deviation off, and thus don’t qualify for services.

If you feel strongly that your child needs services now and you can only access them if you have a diagnosis, you may have to do a fair amount of advocacy and may need to seek second opinions. Know that some clinics will refuse families who have already had an evaluation elsewhere – they worry that some parents may just be shopping around for someone who will give them the diagnosis they want. That wouldn’t be in the best interest of the child.

If it is possible for you to wait to pursue a diagnosis, that may work out better. A few months or a few years down the road, you may discover that they did outgrow it. They moved through a phase, and are now doing well in school and social occasions. Or, you may discover that things have gotten more challenging for them, and more professionals are on board with a diagnosis, given more evidence.

In the meantime, try not to be overly focused on finding a label – an answer to “WHY is my kid different than other kids.” Or on how to “fix” them.

Instead, you may find it more helpful to think: “given that my kid is who they are, what can I do to support them?” Learn more about how other people have accommodated kids with similar challenges, and try those those things. Figure out simple things that help them be more successful. Adjust some things so they’re not under continuous stress and pressure, while still giving them appropriate challenges so they learn and grow and reach their potential. Don’t let the possible label limit them more than necessary.

More resources

  • To learn about autism, read my overview of autism which includes a lot more info on signs and symptoms, and also on supportive tools that help make it more manageable.
  • For possible ADHD: If you’ve got one of those kids whose brain and body are always moving super fast, leaping from one thing to the next, make sure to check out my post on “the race car brain.”
  • If you have a very “shy” kid who holds back, hovers on the edge, and observes, check out my post on the Slow to Warm Up Child.
  • Read about Accessing Developmental Testing.

A sample decision-making process

I can share my own experiences about developmental testing for my youngest. I’m not saying it’s the ideal story or the only approach, just one example.

As a parent, I suspected something was unusual about him from when he was about six months old – signs like when he got overstimulated, he’d purposely repeatedly bump his head into something. If the usual routines were disrupted, he’d have big meltdowns. When he was a toddler, he would perseverate – like during one gymnastics class where he told his coach “I am an ankylosaurus” at least 20 times. He had singular obsessions – like the month where he wanted nothing but Cat in the Hat, or the periods where he only wanted to talk about the planets and could easily be calmed out of a meltdown by just handing him 8 objects and asking him to decide which one was Mercury and which was Venus and putting them all in order.

However, he didn’t fit some key stereotypes of autism: he’s very verbal, OK at eye contact, and he seeks out social connections. So no professional ever told us that we should seek an autism diagnosis. But I suspected that was where we’d be someday.

I learned  about autism and sensory processing disorders, and what accommodations help kids with those challenges, and I just did all those things for him. We chose preschools and activities that were a good fit for him, avoiding ones that we knew would push his buttons. We didn’t have him tested yet, because having results wouldn’t have changed anything about what we were doing.

However, when he started kindergarten, things got more challenging. Luckily his kindergarten teacher was fabulous with him and just naturally did the accommodations he needed. But not all the people at school accommodated him as well. So, at that point, we had the testing done, and received an autism diagnosis, and that made it easier for us to access the services he needs. For school, he has an IEP which ensures he gets extra support. And now our insurance will cover OT treatment and therapeutic social groups for him. Having access to therapies and supports are the upsides of having the official diagnosis. (There is a downside… some summer camps and schools say they can’t take children with autism or can only take a limited number, so there are some programs that are no longer an option for him.)

In second grade, his meltdowns sometimes caused him to be aggressive and to hurt others, so we needed to move him from a private school with limited support resources to a public school which had more support options. In third grade, when kids are expected to sit still and pay attention for longer periods, he was having challenges with that, so we then learned more and had him evaluated for ADHD. That diagnosis allowed us to adjust his IEP for more accommodations which helped him be more successful in school. And when he was 10, he was assessed to determine whether ADHD meds would be helpful for him.

We were hesitant to choose ADHD medication, but again, I talked to adults with ADHD, and they universally recommended them, saying “on days without my meds, my brain just spins and spins and I can’t get the things done I need to get done and then I feel bad about myself and then I get less done… having my meds helps me be the person I want to be.” We started stimulant meds, and they have, in fact, been very helpful.

He is 14 now, and is far more focused and more organized than he used to be, getting straight A’s, and his teachers report he is ready to graduate from his IEP. He virtually never has emotional regulation issues and meltdowns like he used to in the past.

We know some of that is due to maturity and to brain development – he did “grow out” of some of his challenges. But much of it is due to the additional supports we have sought out (like pyramid model tools, Floor Time, ideas from Ross Greene and the Zones of Regulation), also due to support he has gotten at school due to his IEP, incluing help with developing organizational skills and executive function skills.

So, doing each of those evaluations when we did worked out for us. Your needs may be different. But being thoughtful about when and why to test and not viewing a diagnosis as a tragedy can be helpful as parents of “quirky” kids.

Talking to Kids about Earthquakes

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Every year on the third Thursday in October, it’s the Great American Shakeout – it’s a good once-a-year reminder to talk with your child about earthquakes and to do an earthquake drill. The goal is to prepare… not scare.

Earthquake Drills

As a parent or teacher, you need to know what to do in case of an earthquake:

  • DROP down onto your hands and knees (before the earthquake knocks you over). This position protects you from falling but allows you to still move if necessary.
  • COVER your head and neck (entire body if possible) under a sturdy table or desk. Explain “this will help protect you if things are falling down.”
    • If there is no shelter nearby, cover your head and neck with your hands. Crawl away from windows and things that could fall.
  • HOLD ON to your shelter (or continue covering your head and neck) until the shaking stops. Be prepared to move with your shelter if the shaking shifts it around.

If you are with a child, you should drop down, cover the back of your neck with one hand, and then crawl toward the child to cover them with your body. (image source)

You can practice this with young children in a playful way.

In my parent-child classes, with one and two year olds, I just practice the positions. I show the child how to crouch low, then tell the parent to crouch over them, then we say the rhyme “jack in the box you sit so still. Won’t you come out now? Yes I will!”

For ages three and up, I read the Rabbits in a Hole book (see below), and then we practice. I chant this rhyme:

Rabbits in a Hole, Stop Now Please! Get down low, on your knees.
Earthquake is Rumbling, Sounds Like Thunder. Cover your head and get safe under.
[Pause….]
Earthquake is Over. Everything is Still. Won’t you come out now? Yes I will!

They learn it very quickly and have fun practicing.

A Children’s Book about Earthquake Response

I’ve written a children’s story book to teach this method: It’s called Rabbits in the Hole: A Story about Earthquake Preparedness, and you can download it by clicking on that link.

Talking about Earthquakes

There may be other times where your child has questions about earthquakes – perhaps they heard about one in the news or in a story, or maybe they recently experienced an earthquake, and they’re working to process it. Here is my general approach when talking about any topic that might be scary for a child:

  • How likely (or unlikely) this thing is to happen.
  • Whether we can do anything to predict it, prevent it, or help ensure it doesn’t become a big problem.
  • How they would know this thing was happening.
  • What they could do if it happened.
  • What the grown-ups would do to make it better.
  • Reassure them that even if bad things happens to people, people are tough and resilient, and pull together and make it through.

So, let’s walk through this with questions your child might have about earthquakes.

How Likely Is an Earthquake?

In many parts of the world, the answer is extremely unlikely. In other regions, it’s quite likely your child will experience many earthquakes over their lifetime. Be honest about your situation. If the likelihood is low, that can be very reassuring for your child. If the likelihood is high, we acknowledge that and then focus on how we prepare and how we learn about earthquakes so we can respond if and when one happens.

Can you predict or prevent an earthquake?

You can’t. And that can feel scary. Say to your child “We can’t do anything to prevent them, and we can’t really predict when one is coming. But we don’t need to worry about them every day, we just make a plan for what we’ll do if or when one happens. And every once in a while, we practice how to respond.”

How will I know if there’s an earthquake?

Many adults leading earthquake drills for kids teach what to do, but never stop to think about whether a child would  know when to do those things. It’s important to describe what an earthquake might feel like, using non-scary descriptions. I’ve said things like “If you’re sitting down, it may feel like someone is holding onto your chair and shaking it back and forth. If you’re standing up, you’d start feeling all wobbly, like you’re in a bounce house and the other kids are bouncing a lot.” If you’re ever in a situation where there’s a similar sensation, point it out: “Wow – when everyone in the stadium stomps their feet, it feels almost like an earthquake.” “The way the bridge at the playground sways back and forth sort of reminds me of an earthquake.”

After one 4.6 earthquake in Seattle, here are some descriptions people shared on social media: “I thought it was the dog bumping against the bed.” “It was like being in one of those coin-operated beds that wiggle and shake.” “I heard dishes rattling.” “My dog started barking just before it happened.” “My cat freaked out and bolted out of the room.” “I thought it was a loud truck driving by.” “There was a big rumbling booming sound like thunder, then my whole house shook for about 20 seconds.” There were also LOTS of people (including my whole family and folks at work) that slept through the quake and never noticed anything!

Sharing descriptions like these will hopefully illustrate to your child what it might feel like so they can recognize it, but do it in a non-frightening way.

What you DON’T want to do: don’t go online with your child sitting next to you and search for photos and videos of earthquakes. This can be frightening out of context. If they’ve already seen scary images, you’ll need to reassure them and remind them that a news station will always search a whole city for the single most scary image to share. For example, in Seattle, we once had a 6.8 quake, and if you looked at the news, they kept showing one collapsed brick building in downtown Seattle.  But that was the only collapsed building in town. They didn’t not show photos like one my partner took of the worst damage at Microsoft campus, which was of the drink cooler that came open and spilled 20 cans of soda down to roll around on the floor. So be honest with your child, and say that yes, bad things can happen in an earthquake. But it is much more likely that they won’t than that they will.

Let your children know that sometimes an earthquake only lasts a few seconds, and you’re not even sure you felt it. Other times it may last long enough for you to take action to protect yourself.

Some additional guidance for parents

This is more than you would teach kids, but it’s worth knowing. (Source for recommendations.)

If you are driving: pull over, stay in your car with your seat-belt buckled (and your child buckled in their car seat) until the shaking stops.

If you’re in bed, stay in bed! Lay facedown, cover your head and neck with a pillow and your hands.

What NOT to do:

  • Do NOT stand in doorways. In modern buildings, the doorways are no stronger than other parts of the house. You are safer on your knees and under a table.
  • Do NOT try to run outside or run around inside the building. Although it is safer to be near an interior wall, away from windows, it’s not a big enough benefit to risk running to another room during an earthquake. It’s better to drop, crawl a few feet to the safest space, cover, and hold.

What Will the Grown-Ups Do?

Explain to children that during an earthquake, if a grown-up is nearby, they will help to shelter the child by putting their body over the top of the child. If the grown-up is not nearby, the child should still drop, cover and hold right where they are and trust that as soon as the shaking is over, their caregivers will come to them as quickly as possible.

After the shaking, the grown-ups will help to make sure everything is safe around them, and they can help by staying calm and listening well to what they’re told to do. If there’s anything that could be dangerous or needs to be fixed, the grown-ups will help to figure that out.

Talking about Recovering from a Quake

Don’t expose your young child to pictures of cities devastated by earthquakes. That will only frighten them, and that level of damage is beyond their control and ours. If they have seen those pictures, acknowledge that this is possible and it’s tragic, but it’s not likely to happen to them.

Do talk about (or show pictures of) damage that is challenging but manageable. Good ones might be of a grocery store – there may be big spills and some broken glass that the grown-ups would need to take care of, but soon everything will be set back to right.

If you have a story of someone your kids know who experienced an earthquake but everything turned out OK, that’s a good story to tell. (In general, it’s a helpful lesson for children to hear that challenging things can happen to people, and they can be OK. That actually teaches resilience better than telling your kids that nothing bad will ever happen to them.)

I tell stories about the two biggest earthquakes I’ve been in (a 6.8 and a 5.1): in one, we were at a children’s theatre watching a play about Winnie the Pooh, where they were talking about taking the bounce out of Tigger, then the room started bouncing – we all thought it was a special effect at first! Winnie the Pooh asked us to evacuate the theater after the earthquake, and everyone left calmly, and we went home, so the bummer was that we didn’t get to see the end of the show, but we were all OK, and our families were all OK. The other time, we were at Disneyland watching Fantasmic, and as the pirate ship came around the bend, things started swaying and rumbling. Again, it felt like a special effect. But then they stopped the show, turned up the lights, and asked us to leave the park. So, we didn’t get to see the end of the show, but we did get to calmly evacuate through the back part of the park (the employee areas no one is ever allowed to see) which was super interesting, and we went back the next day and everything was OK. They did have some aftershocks, so after each one, they would close the ride, quickly inspect it, and then go right back to having fun.

Telling a story like this, or any personal story you know, can help to teach that earthquakes can be a big problem, but more often, they are totally manageable if we stay calm and know how to respond.

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