Author Archives: Janelle Durham

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About Janelle Durham

I am a parent educator and social worker, and teach music and science to children age 1 - 8.

The Slow to Warm Up Child

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Any early childhood educator can tell you that some children leap with both feet into any new situation, trying new things, chatting easily with strangers, and rolling with any new experience that comes their way. Other children will enter the classroom slowly, hover on the edges (or behind their parents’ legs), gaze around with big eyes, duck their head when someone talks to them, and be hesitant to try new activities. These children get labeled as shy or timid or resistant, and the implication is often that there’s something wrong with the child or some problem they need to outgrow.

Let’s instead think of these kids as the slow to warm up kids. They need time to observe a situation, time to figure out how things work, space to decide whether they feel comfortable with someone, and respect for their right to move at their own speed. If they feel pressured to change, then they can turn into shy kids… shyness often is based in a fear of being judged negatively.

Instead, we can accept that this cautious approach may be a core part of their temperament, respect that introverts have many important strengths, give them plenty of time to flourish in their comfort zones, and also give them concrete tools that help them when they need to take on new experiences.

Understanding Temperament

Temperament is used to describe a child’s in-born personality. Researchers talk about 9 different temperament traits, and then how they cluster to form personality types. The slow to warm up child may be: cautious of new situations, slow to adapt to change, sensitive to things like noise and bright colors/lights, serious, and low activity level. Some also have very intense reactions to challenges.

There is no temperament type that is the best or the worst – they’re just different. Whether a child’s temperament is easy to work with or challenging often depends on “goodness of fit” with their environment and with the people in that environment. If a parent is an extroverted athletic person, and their child is as well, and they are running and shouting on the playground together, that’s a good fit. That child and parent may not fit as well at library story time. Or if that parent has another child who is slow moving, hesitant to try new things, and likes quiet places, that’s not as good of a fit.

For all children, no matter their temperament, it is helpful to them to have plenty of time in “good fit” settings – if they are in places they feel comfortable, with people they are comfortable with, and doing things they enjoy, they will really thrive. The science of brain development shows us that when children feel safe, their oxytocin flows and their brains have a high degree of neuroplasticity – they are open to learning and growing. When children are stressed and anxious, it is harder for them to learn. So prioritize finding safe spaces for them where they can relax and learn.

And… all children also need to learn how to stretch – how to push outside their comfort zone and cope with settings that aren’t as easy, and work with people who might not do things in the ways they would be most comfortable with. So, caregivers can give slow-to-warm up children challenges that help them work out their adaptability muscles. We can and should have them try things that are hard for them. But when we do that, a little extra support from their parents and teachers can help them to be successful.

Could it be more than just temperament?

Some parents with a slow to warm up kid wonder – could this be autism?

There are some common characteristics. A slow to warm up kid may not like sudden loud noises, and that can look like sensory processing issues that are common amongst autistic children. A slow to warm up kid may avoid eye contact, as does an autistic child. Autism is a spectrum disorder – some children display intense behaviors that are unmistakable. Others are more subtle and could be hard to tell apart from a slow to warm temperament.

A key question could be: once your child has warmed up and is comfortable somewhere, do they engage in play and learning in ways that are similar to most other children? If they continue to act in ways that seem different from other neurotypical children, you might choose to learn more about autism and about assessment and see if that feels like the right description for your child. Keep in mind that about 15% of children are slow to warm up and about 2% of children are autistic.

Either way, here are a bunch of ideas for how to help a slow to warm child be successful.

Set the Stage

Sometimes you’ll choose things that are way outside their comfort zone. But let’s make sure they have practice also with things that are “proximate” to their comfort zone, where there’s only so many challenges to manage once.

  • Are they more comfortable at home than elsewhere? Then host playdates on your own turf before trying the other child’s house.
  • Choose the time of day when your child is most relaxed and flexible for any new activities.
  • Pair a new activity with a familiar activity. “After we try the new music class, we’ll go to the library and pick up some books to read.” (Just be careful not to set it up as a punishment/reward that comes off as “after you do this thing you’ll probably hate, then you get to do something you like” – present them both as positive experiences.)
  • Is your child sensitive to noise and crowds? Then visit places at the least popular times so there are fewer people. (One parent’s child was invited to a Saturday party with all their classmates at a trampoline gym. They went to the gym by themselves on Tuesday morning to get familiar with it before the big party.)
  • Will your child be expected to wear unusual clothes (a gi, a leotard)? Let them wear them at home before the class.
  • Consider choosing parent-child classes or co-op preschool where you volunteer in the classroom rather than drop-off programs for a while till your child is more comfortable with new people.
  • Choose long-lasting programs. When my oldest child was little, we’d do a 4 week gymnastics class, then a 5 week art class, then we’d go to story time a couple times, then we’d try music class. He never got to settle in anywhere. With my other kids, I tended to choose things like play-based preschools that included tumbling, art, story time and music all in that one familiar setting we could attend with the same families for months.
  • Have a babysitter come to your house and watch the children while you’re still at home but busy so your child gets familiar with them and enjoys their attention before you leave them together for the first time.

Preparing – What to Expect

Slow to warm kids do better when things are predictable – they know what to expect and what is expected of them. You can help with this by:

  • Showing them pictures or videos of the activity you’ll do or the place you’re going
  • If possible, visit the location before the event you’ll be attending – you may want to try observing a class before joining the class
  • Review what the schedule will be – what activities will happen and what will be expected of them. Don’t leave out things just because they’re obvious to you… it might be obvious to you that before you go swimming you’ll go into a locker room and change into swimsuits – but if your child doesn’t expect this, it could be one more challenge for them
  • If you can meet the teacher before a class, or meet some of the other kids before an event, that can help
  • Try reading books or watching videos about similar experiences
  • Do pretend play to practice what the activity will be like

Getting Things Off to a Good Start

Make sure the first day goes as well as possible!

  • Allow plenty of time to get there so you’re relaxed, not rushed.
  • Arrive early so you and your child can be some of the first to enter the space. That will be so much better for them than arriving in a classroom that is already full of strangers.
  • Let your child come in gradually, and engage slowly when they’re ready. You may sit together on a bench at a playground for a while before they decide to play.
  • If the teacher greets your child, don’t push your child to respond. If the teacher asks a question, give your child time to respond – don’t jump in too quick to answer for them. If they are clearly not ready to respond, answer the question for them. (But don’t apologize for them! If a child always hears their parent say “sorry – he’s shy”, that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can talk to the teacher at another time, out of your child’s earshot, to let them know that your child is slow to warm and give suggestions on what seems to help.)
  • Many young children do best in a new setting if the parent sits down on the floor and lets the child sit down on their lap and observe for a while. Let them decide when they’re ready to move away – don’t push them before they’re ready. Every time you push them forward one step, they’ll retreat two.
  • If your child needs to make decisions, give them time to think through their options. Let them know they can change their minds later.
  • For drop-off programs, have a goodbye ritual you do each and every time: help your child plan what they’ll do next (“go sit with your teacher so you can hear the story” or “as soon as I go, you can try out the play-dough table”), say your goodbye and walk away as if you’re totally confident that they’ll do fine without you.

Your Parenting Style

Slow to warm up kids can be frustrating for parents. It can seem like they are stubborn, and you may feel like you should be pushing them more. But try to be flexible. If you push, they may get even more resistant.

Slow to warm up kids who worry a lot can cause parents to worry a lot. If you take the sink or swim approach, they may be even more frightened of future challenges. Try to be patient. Empathize with their worries but also convey confidence that they can be OK and they can take on any challenge with the right support.

Never shame your child for their temperament or compare them unfavorably to others. (“Why can’t you be more like _____?”)

Let your child know that you love and accept them. When you ask them to try new things or face their fears, you’re not trying to change them or fix them. You just want to help them grow so they have more opportunities.

Help them Understand their Own Temperament

We want to be careful not to overly label a child and define them as only one thing. Both positive labels and negative labels can limit a child… a child who is labeled a graceful dancer may be hesitant to try sports, a child who is labeled as wild tends to stay that way.

However, thinking about categories can help people understand themselves and help them to feel seen and understood. So, as a child moves into their elementary school years, you don’t want to say “you’re so shy, it’s so hard for you to go into new settings.” But you can say “I’ve noticed that when you go somewhere new, it takes you a little while to warm up. Some things I’ve tried that seemed helpful to you were…” Or “you’ve noticed that some other kids seem to have an easy time trying new things and making new friends, and it feels harder for you. I know you just need a little more time to settle in. But I also know you get there eventually. Remember when…”

The Strengths of Slow to Warm Up Kids

Slow-to-warm kids tend to be great observers, noticing details others don’t. They tend to have good impulse control and think before they act. They may not have a lot of friends, but can be very loyal to those they do connect with. They can be very empathetic. When they are comfortable somewhere, they can be just as happy and just as adventurous as any child.

Look for Role Models

Find friends, family members or others who have that cautious personality. Ask them to talk to your child about what helps them and how they’ve learned by stepping outside of their comfort zones.

Books and Videos

I found some books about kids who are shy, or who worry or whisper. These might be nice reads for you and your child to help them feel seen and maybe inspire them to step outside their comfort zone a bit. Find the recommendations here: https://gooddayswithkids.com/2022/02/13/books-for-shy-kids/

You can also choose videos that have shyer, quieter characters like Daniel Tiger in the original Mr. Rogers, not just loud and bold characters. Help them see the strengths of all personality types.

Resources

Here are helpful resources where you can learn more about how to support a slow-to-warm child.

Books for SEL

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I just stumbled across a great resource! The Book Nook on http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/resources/strategies.html lists great children’s books for teaching social emotional skills, and then has accompanying activity ideas including art, dress-up, games, and more.

For example,

  • the guide for Llama Llama Misses Mama has tips on separation issues and a song “if you’re lonely and you know it…”
  • Or there’s Sometimes I’m Bombaloo on tantrums / meltdowns and making a classroom Feel Better book and getting big feelings out with playdough.
  • Or I Have a Little Problem with games to help you learn to be a good listener.

Taking the Negativity out of Conflict

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Last month, we had a guest speaker at my church – Tim Dawes, an author, consultant and TEDx speaker – who offered a powerful approach to conflict based in compassion and respect.

Drop-Shift-Give

When you find yourself in a conflict you can’t see a way out of:

  1. Drop whatever approach is putting you at odds. (Arguing, accusing, making threats, trying to change their mind or change their behavior.)
  2. Shift your focus to the other person’s perspective. What is their experience / how are they feeling?
  3. Give – Acknowledge what they want, validate their experience. You really need to accept and respect that this is their experience. (Note, this is not necessarily saying that they’re “right”, just acknowledging their view.)

This creates a connection between you and the other person. After you do these three steps, it is as if you have set a place at the table for their needs. Then you can bring your needs to the table and can sit down and have a real conversation about how to move forward. You may see new options you didn’t see before, and may be able to quickly negotiate solutions that work for both of you.

If you are feeling wronged or hurt, it can be hard to let go of arguing. If you’re a parent, it’s hard to let go of teaching and correcting. If you have strong opinions, it can be hard to let go of trying to convince someone you’re right and they’re wrong. But arguing, correcting and convincing can prolong an argument.

Examples

My oldest child resisted putting toys away. It was an on-going conflict where I battled him again and again. At one point, I dropped my usual tactics for a moment and asked him to explain things from his perspective. He said that when all the toys were put away, the house looked like a place where no one was allowed to have fun. I acknowledged that this was his truth. Then we sat down and negotiated some compromises we could both live with.

My youngest got into a battle at school today. He was upset at getting tagged out in gaga ball. When someone else tried to get him to calm down by saying “it’s just a game”, that upset him more. Rather than try to convince him that he should relax and that a game is not worth getting upset over, I dropped that approach and shifted to curiosity – asking him to explain his perspective. He shared that games are really important to him, whether that’s gaga ball or video games or a board game, and he doesn’t like that people trivialize them all the time. Spending some time talking about his thoughts on this and validating them “brought him to the table” to where we could have a conversation about how he could have reacted differently today.

I appreciated learning this new tool for approaching conflict and look forward to exploring it more.

Understanding Procrastination

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Whether your child puts off their chores, or your partner never quite gets around to the the “honey-do” list, or you’re frustrated at your own tendency to get lost in not-so-important tasks instead of doing the important-but-not-fun tasks, this article in the New York Times offers great insight: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/25/smarter-living/why-you-procrastinate-it-has-nothing-to-do-with-self-control.html.

When we procrastinate, we know we’re doing it to avoid something, and we know it’s not a good idea, but we do it anyway. Why? It’s not a time management or organizational issue – it’s an emotion regulation issue. Certain tasks inspire negative moods for us: anxiety, insecurity, frustration, resentment or other challenging emotions.

When we procrastinate, we are prioritizing short term pleasant mood over longer term issues. And the more we put off one task, the more negative feelings get wrapped around it as we add in self-blame and increased stress. And then we’re even more inclined to seek out a different activity to get relief, putting it off even longer. It becomes a vicious cycle, and can lead to long-term chronic stress and low life satisfaction.

So, once you understand the emotional aspects of task avoidance, how do you get past them? The NY Times article phrases these in ways to overcome your own tendency to procrastinate. That’s the first bullet point in each pair. The second one in each pair is how you might translate this when addressing your child’s procrastination.

  • Self-forgiveness – instead of beating yourself up for procrastinating, forgive yourself… that may make it easier to do the task the next time around.
  • Compassion: “Hey, this time you procrastinated a lot, but I know it was just because you were really frustrated about X. Next time, I bet it will go better.”
  • Cultivate curiosity – Pay attention to how you’re feeling and wonder why you feel that way.
  • Help them be curious: “How are you feeling right now? What do those feelings remind you of? Is there some way we could help you feel better while doing this task?”
  • Consider the next action as a mere possibility “If I WERE going to do this, even though I’m not, what would I do first?” Try it out… often if you get started without pressuring yourself, the motivation will follow.
  • Help them imagine “if your teddy bear needed to do this thing, where would they start? Could you show them the first step?”
  • Make temptations more inconvenient. If you procrastinate by grabbing your phone and checking social media, try putting the phone across the room. If you stall by tidying up, keep things tidy or move to a different space to work. If you take a lot of snack breaks, don’t work near the kitchen, or have less interesting snacks.
  • Whatever tends to distract them from their task, can you put it out of sight?
  • Make the thing you’re avoiding as easy as possible to do. Pack your gym bag in advance and keep it in the car.
  • Make the thing your child is avoiding easier or more enjoyable. Watch a movie together while they fold laundry or listen to music together as they clean their room. Put their homework out with their snack and encourage them to finish it quickly so they can move on to other things.

It is easy to view procrastination as a character flaw that can’t be overcome or blame it on “I just need to be more organized.” But perhaps acknowledging that you’re avoiding the task because of negative feelings the task brings up may help you get to the root issue and move past that procrastination.

To learn more, check out the original article in the NY Times!

Becoming the Parent you Want to Be

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Often as parents we find ourselves making things up as we go along – we think about what we want our kids to do right now, then take actions that give us quick results in the moment. Those actions may or may not be in alignment with our long term goals or visions of yourself as a parent – I’m sure we’ve all had moments of thinking “I can’t believe I just said/did that!!”

One step you can take toward becoming the parent you want to be is to define – in writing – what that means. This can begin with a process of brainstorming your goals and values, maybe even writing a vision and a mission statement. Then as you find yourself muddling through your parenting days, you can occasionally take time to reflect – am I on course toward my goals? What could I do to course correct a bit? You don’t have to be perfect every day if you’re remembering to check in from time to time to make sure you’re still pointed in the right general direction.

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Brainstorming the Basics

Here are some questions to ask yourself to discover what’s important to you.

  • What are your family’s strengths? What do you do best?
  • What are the most important values you want to pass on to your child?
    • What is the place of education in your family? What value do you place on work?
    • What are your family’s attitudes toward money?
    • How do you view religion/spirituality, and what part does that play in your daily life?
    • How important is it to you to help other people or participate in your community?
  • How would you like to relate to one another?
  • When do you feel most connected to one another?
  • What makes you happy?
  • What makes you fulfilled –brings you satisfaction, leaves you with a sense of completeness?

Answering those questions may be the insight you need to get started.

Figure out what the endpoint looks like

Another approach is “Begin at the end” – think ahead 15 years. What is your vision for:

  • What is your child like as a person?
    • What skills have you nurtured in them: Curiosity? Confidence? Compassion? Determination?
    • What are your child’s core values? (see above)
    • If your child is “successful”, what does that look like?
  • What are the relationships amongst members of your family like?
  • How would you like your child to describe what it was like to grow up with you as a parent?

Creating a Vision Statement

What is a vision statement?

  • It describes what your ideal family life would look like and what you want your family to be someday.
  • It provides inspiration for what you hope to achieve in five, ten, or more years;
  • It functions as the “north star” – helps you understand how your work every day ultimately contributes towards accomplishing over the long term; and,
  • An effective vision statement is inspiring, yet short and simple enough that you could repeat it out loud from memory

Some sample visions from organizations are: “To improve the health and well-being of each person we serve.” (a hospital)  “To inspire students to create a better world.” (a school) “We believe that strong families begin at home and building strong families creates thriving, healthy communities.” (a family support organization)  “To be a vibrant and welcoming community, feeding the human spirit, lighting a. beacon for love and justice.” (a church.)

Write your parenting vision statement. (Try several approaches until you find the one that sings to you.)

Creating a Mission Statement

A Mission statement focuses on a shorter time frame (1 – 3 years). There are lots of possible formats. One format answers three questions

  • WHAT you will do – what specific actions will you take?
  • HOW you will do it – what will be the quality of your actions (this is where you can articulate your values for how you want to interact with your family)
  • WHY – what results or benefits you will see when you look at your kids / your family in a few years?

Here are some sample missions, from the web… I don’t endorse any in particular, they’re just examples.

We are a family who believes that relationships matter most! We value spending time together. We hold each member of our family accountable for responsible behavior. We support each other in our individual pursuits of personal and professional interests. We cheer each other on. We laugh whenever possible. We hold our marital relationship as a top priority because this relationship serves as the foundation of our family. www.everythingmom.com/dynamics/the-family-vision-statement-a-solution-for-challenging-decisions.html

Our home will be a place where are family, friends, and guests find joy, comfort, peace and happiness. We will seek to create a clean and orderly environment that is livable and comfortable. We will exercise wisdom in what we choose to eat, read, see, and do at home. We want to teach our children to love learn, laugh, and to work and develop their unique talents. www.happyfamilyhappylife.com/examples-of-a-family-mission-statement/

Our family mission: To always be kind, respectful, and supportive of each other, To be honest and open with each other, To keep a spiritual feeling in the home, To love each other unconditionally, To be responsible to live a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life, To make this house a place we want to come home to. [also from happy family… cited above]

I choose to raise children who are respectful and believe they are worthy of respect. I choose to raise children who are confident and who know themselves enough to be true to the song in their hearts. I choose to raise children who are kind and caring and see kindness and caring in the world as well. I choose to raise children who are honest and value the power of truth. [in the post, the author gives concrete examples of how their parenting will reflect this mission http://lusaorganics.typepad.com/clean/2011/12/a-peaceful-parenting-mission-statement.html]

Implementing Your Vision & Mission

Write your Vision & Mission down, and post it where you can see it.

Review it on a regular basis and see how you’re doing.

Narrowing the Vision – Action Gap: when the theory of what kind of parent we wish we were meets the reality of how we respond to our child when we’re tired and they’re challenging, it can be easy to get discouraged. Be gentle with yourself – don’t beat yourself up for your mistakes, just use it to help you remember your goals. Ask yourself what you could do differently the next day to move in that direction.

Revise your mission as needed to in order to reflect new values, hopes, and dreams.

More Resources:

On this blog:

  • Here is a free printable worksheet for developing a mission/vision statement.
  • Read about Parenting Style: Authoritarian, Permissive, Balanced and Uninvolved are ways to describe the intersection between how high the demands are that you place on your child, and how responsive your rules are to their individual needs and goals. Are you your child’s Boss? their Friend? A Friendly Boss?
  • Read about Connecting Your Child with their Cultural Identity. What traditions and values will you bring in from your cultural background?
  • Think about what rituals you will incorporate – how will you celebrate holidays? What about the tooth fairy? Bedtime routines? It’s often the little things that define our families.

Elsewhere: