A key concept in the Incredible Years program is the Attention Principle. Children want attention from their parents, teachers and peers. They will repeat behaviors that get attention. They are less likely to repeat behaviors that are ignored.

Ideally, kids want positive attention: praise, rewards, smiles and snuggles. But, if they feel like they’re not getting enough of that, they will settle for any attention, even negative.

Therefore, when you see your child behaving well – being calm, cooperative, kind, taking turns, and sharing, reward that with positive attention. If your child is behaving badly, but in ways that aren’t directly harming anyone or anything, like whining or repeating the same words over and over or making sassy demands rather than asking polite questions, ignore it. If they are behaving in a way that causes problems, then calmly give clear instructions about exactly what they need to do differently.

I imagine this all sounds obvious and you’re probably thinking “yes, of course, that makes sense.” But I want you to think… is this what you’re actually doing?

When our children are calm, quiet, and well behaved, we often are relieved because it allows us to focus on all the other things we need to do: make dinner, pack a lunch, put the laundry away, or pay the bills. We may not say anything to them, because everything is going fine.

But then, if the siblings start squabbling, or the toddler starts jumping on the couch, or the whining begins, we jump right in with our full attention. “You two stop fighting!” “I told you not to jump on the couch – do I need to come over there?” “How many times do I have to say, no candy before dinner?”

From their point of view, if they’re really lucky, not only will they get your attention, but they might also get a bribe to stop the bad behavior: “If you stop fighting, I’ll get the art supplies out.” “Sit down on the couch, and you can watch YouTube.” “Fine, yes, have one piece of candy, then go play so I can get dinner finished.”

Giving attention or rewards to bad behavior “feeds the monster.” The more that behavior gets attention, the more they will use it. And it’s easy to get into a pattern where most of your interactions are them misbehaving and you struggling to keep up with managing it. You may feel like if you step back, they’ll trash the house or hurt someone.

It does take a while and some consistent effort to change that pattern once it’s begun. But start trying today!

For annoying but not harmful behaviors, just ignore them. And then as soon as your child is showing good behavior, give them positive attention.

If their misbehavior could cause problems (they might break a toy, or spill foood, or get hurt, or hurt someone else), you do need to step in and set limits. But do it with as little excitement and attention as possible. If you come running across the room saying “no, no, no” or “stop that” and take things out of their hand and then talk and talk – that’s lots of attention and that feeds the monster of misbehavior, right?

Instead, try calmly telling them what to do differently: “Can you play with that toy gently? If you bang it like that, it might break.” The clearer your instructions are about what to do, the better. And as soon as they do anything that is better than what they were just doing, give positive attention like that, and tell them exactly how they could do even better, then praise it when they do. Or, try a “when/then.”  “When I see you sitting in your seat, then I can get you more snack.”

If they continue to misbehave, do an if/then, where you let them know what the consequence will be if they continue. “If you throw the sand again, we will need to leave the playground.” And then if they do, calmly take them from the playground. Again, don’t be big and dramatic about it – the attention feeds the monster. Just be matter-of-fact and take them away. Then, in the new environment, as soon as you see good behavior, pay attention to it.

What can you do today to start shifting your attention toward what you want to see more of, and ignoring the behavior you’d like to see less of?